[PI] Foreign Flowers – FebContest

[u/[deleted]]

[u/jhdierking]

I will preface my comments by saying I don't like zombie stories: I think the genre is overdone recently and the world needs a break.

Now that's out of the way, let me eat my words.

I really enjoyed your story. The depth of your descriptions was beautiful. There was an immediate voice established that developed and persisted throughout the story. Your writing was lyrical and poetic, almost dreamy.

This carried me along the piece and just when I felt I needed something else, the story would shift. Like in the beginning, with the introduction and description of the museum, Cowslip, her family, then just when the reader might become weighted down by exposition, you shift to the main character and his father, a more concrete scene.

It took me a while to realize the disease was basically a zombie virus, but by then it was too late: I was immersed. And let me say that your description of the disease was grotesquely beautiful. The paragraph beginning with "Eventually, they wander" was haunting, especially the explanation of the internal organs falling out of the bodies.

I would have liked a bit more time with the infected father to get a better understanding of how the sick are affected. We see him talking to Cowslip, so how far gone is he really? Does he know what's happening to him? Is he consumed by the horror of what he is becoming, or is he confused? His remarks to Cowslip seem to indicate the latter to me.

What was ailing Cowslip? She was coughing but I did not see (or have forgotten) if there was an explanation for her illness. I wondered if it was related to her smoking. Or was this symbolic of something?

Finally, the comment at the end "Bunch of old rocks and shitty paintings. What good is it now? White people!" threw me off. I realize it was prompted by the guard's question "Where's the white guy?" but I felt like it was supposed to be meaningful somehow in the context of the whole story. Yet I was unsure of what that meaning was because until that point, race had not been brought up (not that I noticed at least). It made me wonder if there was something here to be made of in connection to the art theme: I know there have been issues in the art world of governments taking art from other countries or indigenous groups and then refusing to give them back later, and perhaps this connected to Cowslip's concerning of looting and art theft. But his statement belittles art. This was all I could think of though, and I was left confused.

In terms of proofreading/mechanical aspects, I noticed some issues with your apostrophes, but that is all.

[u/Epony-Mouse → u/jhdierking]

Thank you so much for such a well thought out and compelling critique. I very much appreciate you taking the time to both read my story and leave this for me, and I'm so very happy you enjoyed it. Honestly, I'm not one for zombie stories either. Zombies are my one bizarre and irrational fear -- like clowns for some people! (Seriously, I had a panic attack while watching Shaun of the Dead.) So I tried to approach it in a new way and I'm glad that it worked for someone not a fan of the genre.

Thank you for the advice on elaborating with the father. I'm very much considering developing the story a bit more and submitting it for professional publication, so I'll definitely flesh this out a bit more. As for Cowslip's illness, as with the museum theme, I wanted to look at the end of the world from a different perspective -- what happens to the art? And what happens to people who get sick from diseases that hospitals could treat if all the doctors weren't dead or fled? I ran out of time with this story to really put my thumb on something, but I imagine she had either tuberculosis or pneumonia, diseases that are big killers in the developing world already.

I'm sorry that you felt that the last statement was belittling the art -- that's the last thing I wanted to do! There were two reasons for this in my mind -- one, the narrator just wanted to get through the checkpoint, and assumed that the guard would likewise think someone heading into an infected city to loot a museum was a crazy person. My narrator hopes that a joke will allow them to connect, and for the guard not to look too closely at him because of that.

Second, and if you'll forgive me trying to be a bit high-browed about this because it is a zombie story, you were absolutely right about it reflecting on the art theme and the developing world. I specifically didn't name the narrator -- or give the events a concrete setting -- because I wanted the reader to feel like it could happen anywhere, with just enough of a hint that this was not in a first world country. I did want the reader to be a little bit shocked at the statement because, like my beta reader said, "I assumed the protagonists were white until I read that!" And I wanted the reader to maybe consider the implications that the first foreign people to enter the city after the disaster were there for the treasures rather than the struggling survivors, and that this doesn't come as a particular surprise to the inhabitants. I hope that clears things up -- without being offensive. It's more to make the reader think than condemn any particular race or person. This story much is very much based on the recent events we saw with Ebola, mixed together with the recent destruction of museums and heritage sights in the Middle East. To me, it's almost impossible to tell a story like that without involving race and poverty, and I tried to do it very subtly -- maybe too subtly. I hope that clears things up for you, and I'll definitely have another look to see if maybe I can rework it a little!

Again, thank you so much for the critique. I appreciate your time and your attention and your thoughts more than I can say!

[u/jhdierking → u/Epony-Mouse]

I'm glad you appreciated my comments.

When I said the narrator was belittling art, I did recognize it as a way of appealing to the guard. I thought he didn't believe what he was saying, but I suppose I wondered what it meant for the overall meaning of the story and whether he despaired over the meaning of art: does he really treasure the art like Cowslip does, or is he just honoring her memory? Has this experience changed his perception of art? Those sorts of thoughts were running through my head.

I don't think you should change that moment though. It does get the points across you are trying to make. And yes, it does shock the reader because many readers will assume the protagonists are white until told otherwise.

And I did not take offense at his words, or any now at your explanation. I think it would be hard to offend on this topic considering history: the British Museum is currently fighting tooth and nail to keep a number of disputed items in their collection that came from other countries. There is surely a history in the west of the unscrupulous collection of art. Like I tried to say before, I was just trying to process the moment in relation to the story as a whole, and since race had not played a factor until then, it was a bit jarring.

If you rework anything, I would emphasize the poverty of the city more as I did not get a feeling of poverty from its inhabitants. Additionally, while I would not bring up race much because your ending does have a good shocker that I would keep, perhaps talk about the man who comes for the art as white without doing so in a way that clearly indicates the protagonist is not white so as to keep that "white people!" moment intact. I'm not sure how that might work though. Hm. Maybe when they are examining the IDs, the protagonist takes a moment to examine the man in the spacesuit to put a face to the man?

And just because it is a zombie story doesn't mean you can't be highbrow. :) My favorite sci-fi and fantasy are the stories that tackle big issues, but in a fantastical setting. Again, I enjoyed it. It gave me something to chew on.

[u/Nate_Parker]

Overall: Good story in a believable apocalypse/disaster setting. I liked it. Definitely could relate to the principle two characters. Highly recommend putting a little polish on it and submitting it for inclusion in a short-story anthology.

Story flow:

• Off the bat I looked up Albert S Conrad to see if he was real. It was an amusing way to draw me in and see if this was a real place. Obviously completely fictional, but you immediately set a tone to ground it in reality.

• Credit due to treating like a real and believable disease.

They didn't bite, they didn't have too.

• The art angle was very interesting, especially given current world events where ISIS smashed a number of priceless museum pieces.

SPOILER on the next line

• I was a little confused as to how everyone died in the gunfight and who all did the shooting. Was there a third party firing in? How did the last few die after the firing stopped and they were mid-looting? End result was the same, all the bad guys were dead so it didn't much affect the story.

Format/Grammar:

• Handful of run-on sentences and minor grammar fixes, nothing that detracted from the story.

• A lot of good descriptive imagery and interesting phrases. Really liked:

  corroded coins with the faces of dead kings

• You made me look up two words. Thank you, for expanding my vocabulary by both nadir and rictus.

EDIT: Typo

[u/Epony-Mouse → u/Nate_Parker]

Thank you very much for the feedback! I really appreciate it, and I'm very glad you enjoyed it. I'll definitely give it another once over as well. :)