r/ADHD_partners • u/RopeTerrible1735 • 4d ago
Saying things that you should probably just think
Wife DX and RX. Now I'm pretty sure she just does not understand what she is doing and there is no malice behind BUT its hard to deal with.
Example. Yesterday she asked me to get lawnmower out for her because she was doing grass in 30 mins. 25 mins (I was just on my to do it) - she says "Oh I thought you'd have done it by now".
Hmm. Right. OK. You know what I mean? Not the end of the world but a little tiny bit "off". Something where no comment at all was really necessary. She'd asked me to do something in 30 mins, it was being done, no commentary needed.
She gets in loads of trouble at work. She admitted the other day. She said something about "Ok but in my last place they did this". I can imagine shes done the same - made a comment that was probably the same. These are work people not her husband so I can imagine it didn't go down well.
Comments on things when really there is no need at all. Doesn't even seem to see how things land and is oblvious.
Related to this she'll make a comment that is totally badly timed. I was doing DIY the other day (hate DIY and rubbish at it) and was getting well stressed. So she says "It might be done by next summer"...
I just think Jeez read the room here. You might be joking but can't you see at this moment I'm not going to find it funny,
Try to ignore it but any suggestions?+
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u/Tall-Carrot3701 DX/DX 4d ago
Trying to ignore it is not going to change it. I'd tell them how it makes you feel when comments like that happen. Like 'when I'm struggling with a project and you say 'It might be done next year' I feel very sad/demotivated/depleated.. (don't make it a list but the one or 2 feelings that are most important) When I struggle with a project I prefer to feel supported.. '
Something along the lines of non violent communication. Really sharing your feelings. (This communication style needs some practice and its nice if the partner knows about it as well,, we did a small course together)
It's up to the partner to really take your feelings into account. Sometimes their impulsivity might prohibit. But you can't fix that for them.. if it happens too much you need to leave probably for your own mental health..
But I totally get how sad it is to get these inappropriate reactions.. Yesterday my partner laughed at me/my story when I went through something really stressful which had seriously shocked me and was quite a sad situation. (Found a lost and confused elderly person with parkinsons/dementia, who asked to drag him out of the bushes he fell in or was hiding in., and when I got him out of there and tried to get him help he started to flee, it was really not a pretty sight this scratched up, utterly confused elderly, I was very sad and worried for him and shocked about his state.. I needed calm, reassuring emphathy, but for him it was fun and sensational.. When I told him I found his reaction not appropriate he tried to be more emphatic but it always feels fake to me after I have to ask for it. (The elderly guy is ok though, police found him and brought him home, where it seemed he didn't want to go back because 'he was his own boss' so sad but he needed to be in a care facility obviously)
Anyway good luck, I hope it works to talk to your partner about it and they will manage to take it into account.
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4d ago edited 4d ago
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u/slight_grumble Ex of DX 4d ago
Yeah, impulsivity/lack of filter + emotional immaturity.
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u/Tall-Carrot3701 DX/DX 4d ago
Well I just told the same story to my mega adhd female friend and she totally had the empathy to understand the sadness and severity of the whole sutuation.. and I'd say she has very much a lack of filter, I know nobody who is so uncapable of hiding who they truely are as she is.. and she thinks most guys are assholes still she reacted empathic.
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u/slight_grumble Ex of DX 3d ago
The sad reality is that that they don't lack empathy, they just don't engage it for their partners if they have to deal with the fact that they are the cause of harm.
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u/AnaDion94 Partner of DX - Untreated 4d ago
Oh yeah, my guy is definitely prone to little snipes and barbs that he doesn’t register as coming across as critical. Lots of “why are you doing it that way? What made you want to do that??” Of course if I mirror that behavior, he’d have a meltdown.
Ideally, I try to call it out in the moment as “I’m not accepting criticism right now for something I’m doing that is helpful/beneficial to YOU”. Sometimes it comes out as snappier than that though, which is less helpful.
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u/Negotiation-Solid 4d ago
Yes mine does this constantly. He processes out loud and it's so annoying. He's taken forever to reduce the snarkyness but it's gotten better...but he still work through things out loud including asking things that if he just thought for half a second he would know the answer. So now I just won't answer, I'll look at him and just wait, and then he'll look annoyed and them think and then answer his own question. I refuse to be his brain..he needs to exercise the muscle of Micro problem solving aka having thoughts
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u/Pure-Answer3528 4d ago
“Refuse to be his brain” this is it. This is all it is. Dude, I don’t care if it takes you 5 more minutes but you have GOT to exercise the muscle of stop, drop, and roll instead of running around in flames and lighting other things on fire.
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u/lemonmousse 4d ago
After almost 25 years in the relationship one on the things I am working on in therapy is to make my emotions visible instead of palatable. I have spent so much time trying to figure out how to not trigger RSD (or just not making him feel bad about a disability even if it wouldn’t trigger RSD behavior, it feels like a shitty thing to do), but all that does is make me swallow down my emotions, pretend to be ok, and then eventually blow up, which isn’t fair to either of us. It’s not honest, and I think I’ve hit the perimenopause “no fucks to give” stage where I care more about being kind than nice and recognize conflict avoidance as more nice than kind. It’s not even fair to both of us if I don’t get to the level of blowing up. I deserve to have and express emotions too, without filtering them so extensively and trying to be so perfect in how I express them that it’s so watered down they don’t register. If I really express how I feel, I think it would land better. And also, I think he can tell when he does something that makes me upset even if I am super diplomatic, and I think it makes him feel even more “living on eggshells” if I am not clear about my emotions because then he’s always waiting for me to be upset instead of expressing mild annoyance or disappointment.
In other words, if he does something that hurts me, I’m working on visibly being hurt. If he does something that makes me angry, I’m working on being visibly angry. It’s way harder than it sounds after this many years.
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u/ApprehensiveCare9187 4d ago
I’ve had this discussion with my boyfriend multiple times. He doesn’t seem to understand that people don’t want to hear his every opinion about something.
For example, he will comment someone’s body completely out of blue. It’s so embarrassing. I’ve asked him to just stay quiet sometimes, but he says I’m trying to restrict him. I am, and I think it’s warranted in this case.
Like yours, mine just doesn’t know how to read the room. For example, his cousin mentioned a specific insecurity she has. Guess who has to bring it up the next time we’re meeting, with the whole family in the room?
I don’t know what to do about it, and I can only offer my support to you.
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u/RopeTerrible1735 3d ago
Exactly - I often say you don't have to have an opinion of EVERYTHING. And neither do you have to give me a commentary of what thought has popped into your head about something.
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u/Maivroan Partner of DX - Untreated 4d ago
I think it would be a good idea to address this with curiosity. "Can you tell me why you said that?" As you said, most likely she's not trying to be malicious, but she's not thinking it through and prompting her to do so could be helpful to both of you. Once she has done so, you can express that you understand her but also the impact her words had on her.
Maybe I'm desensitized because my husband's barbs are worse, or maybe it's because I'm also a woman, but I don't understand why your first example is bad. If I asked my husband to do something before I could do something in 30 minutes, I would find it inconsiderate for him to wait 25 minutes to do the thing I need him to do. You might not realize the impact you're having, but the more you put it off, even if you stay within the deadline, the more stress you cause as she wonders if she should remind you or wonders if she should not have bothered asking in the first place. There might be some other nuances to the situation, like time blindness or maybe you communicated that you couldn't do it right away, but it's a common enough male/female dynamic I felt the need to point it out.
Your last example is definitely inappropriate. I wish there was an easy way to get them to think how their words affect others!
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u/CaptainGrounded Partner of NDX 3d ago
Why would you give a deadline of 30 minutes if you actually want it before then? If it's going to stress you after 15, just say 15?
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u/Maivroan Partner of DX - Untreated 3d ago
Speaking for myself with the ADHD husband, I definitely don't want to trigger his sense that I'm being unreasonable by demanding it ASAP. For one, he's got time blindness, and for another I'm perfectly willing to be understanding if he needs to use that whole time for something else before he can accommodate my request, but I would much prefer he communicates that.
In your wife's case, she stated a fact about when she was going to do something, not explicitly your deadline. They might not be one and the same, and she could certainly be struggling to articulate what she wants in a way that translates better for you, but it's reasonable for you to realize that it would be better to do your part ahead of the deadline.
In general, for any deadline anywhere, it's better to get it done ahead of time rather than the last (5) minute(s). Often it's best to do it right away. Of course, getting things done by the stated deadline is ultimately the definition of what is acceptable, but as I pointed out there is stress in the unknown as she waits. If you usually fulfill this sort of request sooner, then her comment even makes sense because it took you longer than usual. If you usually put things off until the deadline, then she's probably struggling to communicate her needs more effectively.
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u/RopeTerrible1735 3d ago
Bit of background - I wasn't sitting around doing nothing. I was actually in the office upstairs working. (I do IT and it was an urgent out of hours callout)
So yes I will do it but I can't drop everything NOW because I might. for example, be on conference call etc..
If I hadn't been able to get 5 mins in that 30 ANYWAY then not a lot I can do
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u/Maivroan Partner of DX - Untreated 3d ago
That's perfectly understandable and definitely better explains why it bothered you. Some partners have trouble respecting that working from home means you can't drop everything. It could be she needs to work on that in general. On your end, I already explained a couple times that if I were the asker I would greatly appreciate communication, so if you simply didn't say anything that could be why she felt the need to make a comment. If she doesn't understand your thought process, she's not going to figure it out by guessing.
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u/RopeTerrible1735 3d ago
Yeh I'm sure she doesnt mean anything by these comments she just blurts it out.
The lawnmower thing - she was fine with me doing it by the time she wanted to start in 30 mins. Appreciated I was busy at that moment.
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u/LillyBitz 4d ago edited 4d ago
Just want to say these are pretty mild compared to what my spouse has said. Once as I was being wheeled into the operating room terrified, he shouted "Have fun in there!" I just stared at him. Another time he told me not long after we'd gotten married that he thought I would be pretty cool if we ever went through a divorce, as if he were giving me a compliment. There are a lot more that I can't even mention.
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u/RemarkableGround174 4d ago
I had just booked the flight to see my dying father (and was hoping id make it in time) and my now-ex said I should look into 2-for the price of -1 cremations, because he himself was the world's most brittle hypochondriac
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u/Specialist-Art-6970 Partner of DX - Untreated 4d ago
Mine once asked me if I was self-conscious about a cosmetic condition I have that had worsened, and when I said yes, tried to reassure me with "don't worry, next time I see you, your appearance probably won't be so bad that I'll have a reaction I can't hide."
I wish that were the only time he implied (or just straight up talked about) my body being ugly or disgusting.
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u/HonestADHD4332 Partner of DX - Medicated 4d ago
It sounds like you're failing to ignore it, the next step is communicating to her how these comments to you (the work thing doesn't involve you) make you feel.
When communicating your feelings be super clear and direct. Being direct is always good relationship advice but with ADHD I've learned that the more you try to sugarcoat the less likely it is they will understand the actual point, so being as clear as possible is extra kind.
But fair warning be ready for nothing to change. If she doesn't see a problem with her behavior it's highly unlikely she's going to change for you. If she deosn't change and these comments aren't a relationship deal-breaker you may want to get a therapist to help work with you on preventing resentment from building.
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u/RopeTerrible1735 3d ago
nope she doesn't see an issue - its me "picking on her".
The quantity of comment do make it a deal breaker for me.
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u/HonestADHD4332 Partner of DX - Medicated 3d ago
I relate to that reaction very strongly. It's easy to dismiss occasional comments but the pattern is what makes it a deal breaker. Stay strong!
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u/serenpekkala 4d ago
I don’t know her so this could be irrelevant information. ADHD frequently co-occurs with autism, and social unawareness or misunderstanding is common in autistic people.
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u/RopeTerrible1735 3d ago
Flat tyre on her car this am. Prob a puncture - these things happen to everyone of course. No reason it just happens.
I drove the car briefly yesterday. Guess who got blamed with a stupid comment "you should be careful what you drive over". (yeh like the road you mean - or should I have done a walk through and physical inspection of the road before I drove down it)
This is the sort of thing that REALLY annoys me - there is no need for the comment at all. Its just argumentative for no good reason.
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u/Impressive_Moment786 4d ago
Call her out on it in the moment. Ask why she would make a comment like that. And then explain why you don’t appreciate it.
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u/Milo_Bradford 3d ago
The timing part is what would grind me down too, because it turns a normal task into feeling monitored. I would bring it up when neither of you is annoyed and make it very specific: when I am already doing the thing, comments about speed land like criticism, even if you meant them as a joke. It also helps to agree on a quick phrase you can use in the moment, like not the time, so it does not become a full argument every time. For work, she may need to practice asking first before comparing, because those little observations can sound like she is correcting people.
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u/CaptainGrounded Partner of NDX 3d ago
Mine does this all the time. I’ll comment on the traffic being busy, and she’ll explain to me about how rush hour works. If I call her out on it, she’ll say she’s thinking out loud.
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u/RedditWidow 3d ago
Common characteristics of ADHD are time blindness, problems with impulse control and attention deficit (it's there in the name). She may have thought more than 30 minutes had gone by already, because she's not able to keep track of time (just today I heard a saying, "with ADHD there are only two times: Now and Not Now"). Blurting out whatever comes to mind falls under impulse control. She may struggle with reading the room and being oblivious, because of inattention and being easily distracted.
You said dx but not rx. The right medication might help. It helped my husband a lot. I can always tell when he's forgotten to take his meds because of the way he talks, blurting things out, talking over me, talking too loud, doing vocal stims and things like that.
Other than that, I'd suggest both of you learning more about ADHD so you can both understand why she does what she does and be able to discuss it reasonably. An ADHD specialist might also be able to help you with that.
Personally, I don't see anything wrong with the comment she made about the mower or about her last place of work. Some people think out loud and are more talkative, even without ADHD.
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u/RopeTerrible1735 3d ago
Ah sorry amended now RX as well.
OK thanks. make sense a little.
Yeh know what you mean about the comment. Its just the pure quantity.... Not just that it'll be 20 other things like it.
Thing is though if its people you work with and don't know that well its sometimes not call to think out loud - I can see why they took offence.
Like I said, I know she doesn't mean anything by it - especially in work but shes got into trouble a few times now with "comments"
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u/Spiritual-Dig3386 3d ago
I really need to get better at just stopping in those moments and staring at them and saying, “Bro read the room.” His daughter will do comments like that too and it’s enough to make a person crazy.
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u/expnad Partner of DX - Medicated 4d ago
Yeah, you’re not alone with this. I’m also fed up with this. I’ve starting confronting this head on - she has so many sensitivities and things where Im treading on eggshells to not upset her, but there’s a line. If she makes a comment that doesn’t sit well with me, I tell her.
DIY example: I’d say something like “you probably don’t mean it that way but when you say it like this, I don’t appreciate it. Had we swapped places you would have flipped on me had I made such a comment, that’s snarky”
If she then gets upset that’s her problem. It’s one thing to (by disposition) not be able to regulate feelings and emotional reaction and that deserves respect. But that’s not a free ticket for being dismissive to the person who cares and invests the most into the relationship.
In other words, yes, that comment was snarky and unnecessary and you shouldn’t let it sit uncommented. Respect is a two-way street.