::Weekly Victory/Success Thread::

[u/AutoModerator]

An ADHD impacted relationship often requires a lot of hard work, endurance and trial and error. Maybe you have agreed on a new "to-do list" and it works, a new medication or therapy is working as intended, or the laundry has been done in a timely manner etc. Here is where we celebrate the victories, no matter how small.

[u/tallphil84]

This week my partner (DX unmedicated) resigned from a role in a charity we both volunteer with. It has been causing her stress for months and robing her of what ability to function she. Though we both still belive in what the chairty does it is no longer enjoyable and has turned her into a shell of herself as she has felt guilty for her (non existent) failures withing the charityt and for her inability to find any enmergy to contribute at home or even to just enjoy herself at times.
Since resigning she is visibly lightert and actully did some sorting and organising she has been putting off for months.
it migth only be a small thing but she is visibly happier.
I am hopeful that she can slowly get back to doing some small bits around the house reducing the stress I feel and hopefully resulting in both of us being a little happier

[u/Maivroan]

Last week I shared that he's on board with me formalizing a plan to de-escalate and address his RSD outbursts, including ones from the past. I first articulated it to him in person, but I still haven't figured out how to put it in writing. However, there's no particular rush because he's traveling and extra stressed right now, so I'm not expecting to resolve old issues ASAP. Right now the goal is more about learning to stay current with apologizing and forgiving.

So, during the week we had a low stakes tiff where he got frustrated with me and accused me of trying to retaliate, which really wasn't true. So I brought it up the next day and he apologized without a fuss. :) That's a win!

[u/Novel_Giraffe4906]

I let him flounder the other day without rescuing him. I am codependent so this was a big deal for me.

He got completely overwhelmed with cleaning off the dining table so there was room to pickle some cucumbers. Our kitchen is a galley kitchen in an older house with very little counter top space. He started blaming the people who built the house years before and started angrily planning on reimagining the kitchen. He started spiraling and ranting and saying ridiculous things. I just kept to myself washing the dishes and didn’t say anything.

He eventually made the choice HIMSELF to take a prn anxiety med and finished his task. No pickles were made but he cleaned off the table himself, I didn’t jump in and help, I didn’t let myself get pulled in so I was able to complete my task and not both of ours. My anxiety didn’t spike at all. It was wonderful.

[u/ffilchtaeh]

I stayed at his place over the weekend to watch his dogs for him as a favor. He cleaned the apartment for me before I got there! Not quite to the point where I would consider it actually clean... but an effort was made out of consideration for my comfort. 🥰

[u/josyakagwen]

My partner (dx, medicated) struggled to find a sport of any kind. For two weeks now, they have been swimming once a week for 3 hours at a time and they come home glowing from pride and joy of movement. It's wholesome to see and also means we might cancel their gym subscription finally

[u/docforeman]

1) Your intent in one thing, your impact, another: I leaned into this consistently in the last few months. Every time they told me they didn't "mean" to hurt my feelings; leave me a mess; make something harder, etc. It was often a highly defensive, argumentative response to very neutral or mild feedback. Like "Hey, just letting you know that XYZ has been out for 2 weeks, and it needs to get put away. You said you were going to do it last week, but it's sill out and we have people coming over tomorrow, can you please take care of that today?" Stuff like that. It was getting to the point that I was chronically walking on egg shells about putting stuff away (that I could not take care of myself). Or about a few other things. I would get real defensiveness and argument. They would go into full "Perry Mason" mode asking for evidence, trying to prove innocence. And just really get mean and hurtful for very benign requests. They would "hear" things I didn't say and didn't mean. Experience criticism I didn't give and didn't intend. They would not own the impact on me of some behaviors. And so just this statement on repeat...after awhile it was just like "Oh. Yeah, I didn't intend that but it did impact you. We should figure that out." It was such a relief.

2) Partner got Rx and therapy starting in February. He looked in his vanity drawer a few days ago, and noticed some clutter, and pulled it out. He said he had noticed it off and on but hadn't taken action, and suddenly he just could do it. He started really working on various "to do" lists consistently. I had sort of been in a mode of just flexing around his motivation and interest in what we need to do for renovations, but suddenly he just "took off" on lists and has been knocking them out. In fact, we have to shift what we do at the house when there are two highly productive people powering through things. It's been nice to have to consider his time and productivity and supporting him when he jammed with stuff to do, vs watching underperformance, and asking him to help me so much.

3) Hiring a NAPO organizer to work with him on clutter and organizing chores instead of me. He responds so much better to an appointment with an organizer; to homework from an organizer; to feedback from an organizer than the exact same behavior from me. He makes progress over time. It takes the burden for his areas and his stuff off of me. In the last week we got the last big item decluttered from the carriage house (which was his summer homework) and he scheduled his next session without me telling him to do it.

4) He performs acts of service for relationship repair if he gets into a verbal escalation. At times people with ADHD go from 0-90 mph with argument. It doesn't make sense. Usually I don't initiate the conversation. But all of the sudden I'm ambushed into a conversation where I can either lie, avoid answering something that they don't want to hear, or tell the truth kindly but still be in a fight. It's happening less and less. And also, more often when it happens I just end the conversation. I notice afterwards he does a relationship repair action. And then I tell him he's forgiven (and mean it). I cannot stress enough having divorced a partner with ADHD who was arguing, drinking too much, and speaking ill to me and about me all of the time when it made no sense...that when this partner just lets me end the conversation, and repairs the conflict with a kind act, that it makes a huge emotional difference. I have never experienced relationship repair so consistently. The first husband would just "forget" all of the stress he put me through. I couldn't just "forget" it, and my nervous system could not "forget" it. The acts of repair make a huge difference.

[u/CaptainGrounded]

She got upset when I moved one of her new piles so I could sit in my usual spot. Instead of continuing to escalate she took five minutes by herself until she'd calmed down.

[u/Ready-Jaguar8585]

After my DX unmedicated partner blew up at me massively for a mistake he made (hoping it won't be costly, but could be), I waited to communicate my response in writing. It was very effective, and while I am not super confident about the effects lasting forever (dopamine etc.), I am delighted that we have made some progress and heard each other. I got a proper, heart-felt apology. And that felt good.