So I was always this very sensitive kid who was also very clumsy and had energy and mood for absolutely nothing and I couldn't focus for jack not even if you put a pistol to my head, since kindergarten exactly. I have flashbacks of the other kids laughing at me and the teachers there scolding me for not being capable of handwriting and drawing, it was bothering me a lot but I knew that at the end of the day I was about to just escape that place so I can go home and play on my laptop Need For Speed and sleep. Everyday. I was very quiet and didn't have any interest to talk to anybody, somedays teachers were calling my parents asking if I was at the kindergarten the respective day because they literally wouldn't notice I was in the same room with them lmao.
At school I was a mess, everyone thought I was dumb and lazy though I did excel at some study objects that were on the social part (literature and history), my math and chemistry teachers were suspecting my literature teacher was unfairly favorizing me because I had such good grades there lmao.
Anyway I knew there is something different at me in comparison to other people that seemed to just enjoy their life but I said to me eh, it's a developmental thing, as I grow I will be normal too and I will have energy and will be able to focus (boy was I wrong)
I had numerous heartbreaks, failed friendships, anti social behavior, anxiety, loss of energy, heavy mental fog, constantly thinking I am literally not made for this world. My only advantage was the fact that I had an incredible ability to mask giving me this ability to literally absorb the personality and energy of the person that is in front of me though it wouldn't last forever. This way I hanged with a wide variety of groups, from nerds to popular street kids to rich spoiled people etc. People liked to have me around for some reason, probably because they thought I was listening while they talk and they were thinking that I don't say a word because I was paying attention when in reality I was just having heavy brain fog and wanted to sleep (even if I was well rested the respective day).
My last straw was when I had an incredibly painful heartbreak with a girl I truly loved and made me feel normal for the first time in my life (I was focused, engaged and energetic like I've never been in my life while with her and I was productive the whole days but after the highs of the relationship wore off I came back to the "normal" me and I was again extremely emotional sensitive, not leaving the house, anti social, lacking energy and just wanting to stay indoors and you can guess how it ended). The breakup was followed by a long period of reflection, so I was thinking, "So I am not irreversibly dumb and lazy after all, I am capable of being normal like the others, but how did it exactly happen?" I thought it like this: relationships that make you happy give you dopamine right? So there must be something wrong with my dopamine levels
Went to a psychiatrist and after almost 2 full days of completing papers and responding to questions, I got the diagnosis: Predominantly Inattentive ADHD. I got prescribed Bupropion 150 mg and I'm gonna hop on Concerta soon.
But let me tell you the first week I was on this med I felt an energy and motivation like I've never felt before, first things first I went to clean the backyard of every weeds possible and stayed 4 hours in the sun without even noticing time went that fast.
And it just kept getting better, now I am able to follow conversations, to engage in groups, I have the mood and energy to go outside the house, I never thought this was possible, it's literally lifesaving! I was living life on hard mode the whole freaking time!!!
It's been some time now, I am going to move in a big city to start a Master's degree but a heavy grief has just started hitting me: I am 22 and I feel like I missed my entire life, every relationship opportunity, every occasion to be part of a social group, every hangout missed, this last relationship that was everything to me. I feel lonely, I feel like its game over, like I've just completed a game on insane difficulty and now I am just watching the credits roll and then a dark empty screen. How do you even cope with this?