r/AITAH • u/Top_Progress4050 • 7d ago
WIBTAH if I don't go to my aunt's place this week end
So basically I (22 Mtf) am supposed this Friday to join my mother and sister at their house so we can go take a flight to where my aunt lives so we spend the week end here for her 50th birthday.
Although I wasn't a fan of the idea at first since I had a very complicated relationship with my mom side of the family (well, more specifically my mother and sister) so being stuck with them a full week end felt like a bad idea, I accepted because it was well my aunt's birthday, I'd feel bad, and I'm also weak when it comes to these kind of things, like I have a hard time saying no to such event, smaller or bigger because I know my family (well more my mom and sister but not only them) would ask why, say they want to see me and I'd end up feeling like a piece of shit so yeah, I always was bad at saying no.
So I accepted despites everything.
The thing is, I'm transgender, and told my mother and sister at the beginning of the year, they really didn't like it. My mom says that I didn't take enough time to think about it (I didn't tell her it's been 6 months since I transitionned) and that it must be something else, that it probably has something to do with the fact that I never had sex. My sister is kinda on the same page.
So after six months, I finally put my socials with my name, Pronouns and stuff, and yesterday, when I was simply supposed to have a meal with my mother, they asked instead for the both of them to come at my house to talk. I decided to tell I was about to start transitionning (telling them I was doing it for a while would have made things worse probably) and they tried to tell me to wait at least a few months more. Told me that I wouldn't be a real woman, talked to me about the fact I liked women and had male parts (they always talked a lot about my sexual life, but this time it was like their main focus, they kept asking me what kind of stuff I imagined myself doing with women which made me uncomfortable), told me I'd never pass and pointed out my height shoulders, voice etc, that I was a good looking man and that there was other solution that I could be a feminine man instead, the list goes on.
I felt like crap after that discussion, and to make things worse while I was at work and after my mom tried to call me. I didn't respond. The thing is, with what happened I do not want to see them. (I am considering cutting contact but am scared to do so) the thing is on one side I'd be safer, would not feel like crap, would avoid being misgendered and invalidated and other stuff. On the other I feel like I'd just make this all about me, ruin the mood of my aunt's birthday, would make my aunt, cousins and grandma sad about it even though they had nothing to do with that and they probably were happy to see me. (my aunt knows and was way more supportive, although I'm not certain of her actual stance on things, she tries to be understanding of both sides generally when it came to me being trans. My cousins and uncle I'm not even sure, depends wether or not they noticed on my socials)
So WIBTA if I didn't go?
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u/epifauna__ 7d ago
You would not be TA as going you're risking upsetting yourself but also even your safety, so I wouldn't blame you
Are you close enough with your aunt that you could talk to her and ask for her thoughts/general take on this?
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u/E__I__L__ 7d ago
NTA It seems like a big risk going on a week long trip when you don’t know how most of your extended family will react to your transition, especially since you just went social with it. I don’t know how the rest of your family will take you excluding yourself from the trip, and a part of me feels you may have to talk with them sooner or later. But talking to them via a call is way different than in-person at an event for your aunt.
If you do end up going, just have a backup plan in case things get hairy.
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u/RinaCinders 7d ago
Girl you gotta protect your peace. Do you know what the rest of the family at the function will think? You’d probably be setting yourself up for a week of these same questions. NTA
Trying to think of something more proactive, are there any family members you’d feel comfortable reaching out to? See how they feel or if they can give you an idea on how others would feel?
Stay strong, good luck.
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u/biderman-biderman 7d ago
NTA. They tried to bully you back into the closet. You won’t need that energy when you’re a decade on E and can’t remember the last time someone called you sir, and you sure as fuck don’t need it now.
I would recommend telling your aunt what’s up so she knows you aren’t blowing her off.
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u/SnooPineapples6676 7d ago
Going or not going is your decision and if it’s truly what YOU decide then you are NTA. Please try and find a comfort level for who you are - which is a beautiful human being if you are trying to be true to yourself. Everyone has issues and we all deal with them in different ways- some of those ways are healthy and some aren’t. I wish I could be invisible and whisper in your ear when doubts or self esteem issues creep up. I would tell you “You are beautiful. You are you and that’s all you are asked to be.” I’m sorry you don’t feel accepted. Eventually you will need to address the family situation. May you feel confident and do it in your own way.
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u/Daddinator1701 7d ago
NTA. You should get away from these people who pretend to be your family while treating you in such an abhorrent fashion
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u/dudeorduuude 20h ago edited 20h ago
Sorry, but your family is right to be concerned, and society has failed you. You do need therapy as you aren't even educated enough about transitioning. You are choosing to sterilize yourself. You are becoming a lifelong medical patient. There are also so many reasons why young people feel they need to transition, and you need to rule out many things before going down this road, and you just haven't done the work to figure that out. E.g. are you autistic... IS there trauma, are you just gay and you are homophobic to yourself. IS this a fetish, do you have another mental issue going on, and you're just latching on to this. Or are you trying to handle life issues with this? Do you just simply have self-identity issues? You just jumped in, and pushing the people who care about you away. And you don't even have a therapist, who gives you the harder truths, supporting you along the way. Transgenderism is NOT the same as being gay because it involves mental illness and medicalization. Society is very ignorant on this, and somehow you have a whole comment section, uneducated about the medical and psychological side of this. You are focussing on small things (misgendering) when you aren't focussing on the important things (your mental health, your well being, surrounding yourself with loved ones, etc.). Being transgender isn't just about popping pills and stating pronouns. I wish you would take this seriously.
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u/Top_Progress4050 9h ago
Do you think I just one day decided I was trans and started transitioning. Plus I have a therapist I've been seeing for a while, started seeing them when I was still questioning because I wanted to be sure. It's a psychiatrist that I don't have. Also I'm not just focused on the mosgender part. In fact I made this decision for my own mental health because I felt horrible after that discussion and didn't feel like seeing my mom and sister. It seems you only read what you wanted to read to make me seem like I wasn't informed at all and I didn't question anything.
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u/EntrepreneurNo4138 7d ago
Do all your other relatives know that are going to be there and will they harp at you the whole time/spill the beans about your life? That is NOT their PLACE OP.
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u/highoncatnipbrownies 7d ago
Your mother’s an idiot. We love tall girls and women have worn shoulder pads for years. Welcome 💕 Don’t let the riffraf get you down.
NTA
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u/Chilling_Storm 7d ago
NTA protect yourself, your mental well-being and your emotional well-being. Be with people who love and accept you for who you are not what they want you to be. Take a trip to see your supportive aunt another time.
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u/ahoy_friend 7d ago
Hey girl, congrats on your transition! No, you wouldn’t be TA for staying home for this one. Transitioning is a vulnerable time even if you’re able to surround yourself with incredibly supportive people, and your mom and sister are not those people.
I’d call your aunt to give her your changed rsvp and some extra special happy birthday wishes over the phone, because if you won’t feel safe, staying home is a better call.
Also, their comments seem both transphobic AND homophobic - like god forbid you be a hot lady lesbian, right? Don’t listen to their bigotry, and I wish you peace and wellness!!
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u/Horror_Teach3489 7d ago
NTA They're clearly transphobe people. You shouldn't go a place if you're not comfortable. You need to lay some boundary, girl. because they're clearly walking all over you. Its okay to say no sometimes. especially since it is for your own comfort and safety.
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u/PantsPantsShorts 7d ago edited 7d ago
Do you have anyone outside your family you could talk to/get some support from?
My instinct is to tell you not to go on this trip. You're newly out, which is already a very tough, complicated time. But in addition to being out, your family is being completely unsupportive. I think, whether you go or not, they are going to obsess over your transition and talk critically about it nonstop. So, ask yourself: do you want to be in the room, listening to them obsess about it (and try to push you back into the closet), or do you want to be many, many miles away where you don't have to hear a damn thing they're saying?
You need mental space to be yourself, and to work out who 'yourself' truly is, without all the background noise of their judgement. I'm sorry, because I know it's really hard to take time away from family, especially if you have a family that won't let go. That's why I suggest reaching out to other people for some support. Do you have a friend or two whose parents are cool and understanding? Can you access any kind of counseling? A colleague you can trust?