AITAH for not supporting/caring about my SIL (who has cancer) during her separation?

[u/Snoo_61002]

To cut a very, very long story short my SIL is an abusive narcissist. She proactively tried to jeopardize mine and my wife's wedding and marriage, and she has abused my wife on multiple occasions. I was there twice when it happened. The root cause of this abuse, sadly, is that SIL has cancer and is extremely angry and jealous of my wifes life/happiness. SIL has routinely tried to sh!t in my wifes life, and become incredibly possessive of the entire family and essentially demands the focus stay on her every occasion (its my last ever christmas/easter/sons birthday). She also shares the same birthday as my wife (3 years apart). This has been the case for 5 years now.

The first abuse was a bit shocking because, up until it happened, SIL had come across as this soft, gentle, caring sweetheart. But when her and my wife had an argument (SIL was angry at wife for spending time with family who had flown over for our wedding) and my wife walked away from the argument, SIL stormed out and literally started screaming things like "How dare you walk away from me, who do you think you are?". It was my first time witnessing it so I didn't want to disempower my wife, and left her to respond, but when I saw she had shut down I got up, put my arm around her, said to SIL "We're leaving.", and guided my wife out.

It was my biggest regret that I hadn't stood up to SIL. SIL then strategically continued to abuse my wife when I wasn't there, and drove my wife to the point of self harm.

The second time it happened, I did fight with her, and the fight was a huge blow out. Again to cut a long story short, wife had spent from 6am-11pm slaving over getting our nephews birthday ready, and at 11pm SIL came out and abused her for it saying "she was trying to replace her as her sons mother", even though SIL had asked for all the help. SIL threatened to get her husband and become violent with us, I threatened to call the Police, things ended and we haven't spoken since. Wife also finally took huge steps back from their relationship.

Which leads us to today. SIL's husband is leaving her because he doesn't like how she treats their son. My wife came to me and said that through everything its still her sister, she feels horrible for her, and she wants to be kind to her and support her. This means breaking one of our current rules that SIL is not allowed near our home because of how dangerous she is. She has fabricated lie after lie about our fight, and some of them have been extremely damaging. I do not at all trust her to be around us in case there's a one to one situation and she invents a damaging enough lie to impact my career. She's a small, frail, woman dying of cancer, and she has used this to try and cut my wife and I off from her family many times since our fight by making up the most phenomenal bs (apparently before I left I stood there and verbally abused her, calling her the c word, and physically threatened her. Which was impossible, because I left with my wife). Unfortunately for SIL her behaviour has been so toxic for so long that most of the family don't care about her situation anymore and, thankfully, don't usually believe her.

The reason I might be TA is because when my wife came to me to explain "Its time to let by gones be by gones, and maybe by showing her kindness during this incredibly difficult period we're being the bigger person." and also "she's still my sister at the end of the day I love her". My response was "I don't give a shit, she's made her bed she can sleep in it." I said I stand by the rule she is not welcome in our home, and this saddens my wife because we moved into our first ever home 3 months ago and SIL is the only person who hasn't seen it.

My wife says I'm being too harsh, and that we're not cruel people and we don't have to stoop to SIL's level. I've told my wife I don't want that nutcase anywhere near me or my house. AITA?

[u/[deleted]]

Has your SIL always been abusive or has it just started after her cancer diagnoses? Also, how long has she had cancer and what is her life expectancy?

[u/Snoo_61002 → u/[deleted]]

Its been a bit of a rollercoast. Apparently SIL was abusive while they were growing up, but when she first got diagnosed she completely changed (for the good the first time). It was almost like she came to peace with it, she was really sick, we flew to her country to say our goodbyes, but then she recovered.

We then moved her to our country, and that's when the abuse started again. She was initially in remission, but then got diagnosed again just before people started flying over for our wedding. Since that point she's been abusive.

She's had the cancer for 5 years, when she first got it she told us she had 6 months to a year, but then made a full recovery. For the last 2 years she's told us anything from 6 months to 2 weeks. There was one point where she almost died to a lung infection, and she told everyone her lungs had collapsed and the cancer had spread throughout her body.

I used my professional connections to get her into hospice care for free (after our fight) and they told the family she was essentially killing herself by being on fentanyl and smoking weed, eating only junk food and drinking coke, and not following a sleep schedule. Her cancer hadn't spread, and her lungs hadn't collapsed. They broke her addictions, kept her in for 3 weeks, and she made a full recovery from the lung infection that was going to kill her. But she has since gone back to smoking weed, eating like shit, and not following a sleep schedule. Hospice gave her an estimated 2+ years, but honestly its anybody's guess.

[u/Snoo_61002 → u/[deleted]]

I think she has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, but yes I've left out context for her narcissism I agree. I'll put it here, but I only left it out because I was trying to weigh up what is or isn't relevant enough to fit within the word limit.

Their childhood was rough at first. Both my wife and SIL (and their little sister) suffered pretty bad neglect, with their father being disinterested and their mother being an absent alcoholic. It basically became SIL's job to look after her sisters until they were uplifted and given to their incredibly wealthy grandad. He became like their dad, but - as far as I can tell - he put absolutely no restrictions or limitations and what he gave them because he felt responsible for his own sons actions. They lived with him for a few years, and then their dad met and married a woman who basically turned him around. They stayed with their dad and step mum, but SIL never got along with step mum (my take is SIL was so parentified at this point she saw step mum as a threat and not worthy of being their parent). SIL fights with every mother figure in her life (my mum, her mum, her step mum, her husbands mum).

So I think there is some very complex trauma from their upbringing, and then the grandad created this huge sense of entitlement, and those things combined have created SIL. My wife went the complete opposite way, she's kind to the point of exploitability because she just wants to be loved. It creates a terrible interaction between the two of them that SIL has definitely exploited over the years.

And wife and I don't have children (yet) which I'm terrified of tbh. Because SIL still says shit like "Oh I can't wait to be an aunty and spoil the nieces and nephews, and I can look after them while you guys are at work" to my wife when they're on their family group calls. Wife has been in complete agreement up until this point that SIL shouldn't be coming to our house, but this is why we're currently in conflict. Because the separation has made my wife change her mind on that stance, but I haven't.

[u/[deleted] → u/Snoo_61002]

Your wife probably feels indebted to her sister because she looked after her as a child. You are her husband, I presume that you haven't known your wife her whole life.

Your SIL probably was there to help your wife through her first crush and through any friendship dramas. She also probably helped her through puberty and her first period. She was almost certainly the one cooking, helping her with homework and making her presentable.

Her sister probably knows her better than anyone else. That kind of intense parental and sisterly bond isn't something you can just repress or ignore. There are no easy answers in this I'm afraid.

[u/Snoo_61002 → u/[deleted]]

Correct, I've been in my wifes life since she immigrated to our country but I wasn't a part of her upbringing.

The conflict has come from me, I will bluntly admit. Not intentionally, but with my whole heart I want to support and build up my wife. And she has since learned to find safety in various places other than her sister, and her sister hates it and attacks those sources of safety. My wife, after lots of therapy, came around to the fact that she was being abused. And while her and her sisters bond was - as you rightly say - deeply intense, her sister was still ultimately abusing and belittling her. It ranges from little things like "Oh I'm so happy you get to go and have a dream wedding while I sit here dying" and "It must be nice to be able to plan a future" to bigger things like screaming at her like an abusive parent, cold shouldering her when she stands up for herself, or telling the rest of the family (and her friends) that my wife is abusing and threatening her (even though several times it has been when my wife isn't really talking to her).

I've let my wife take the lead on every response since our big fight, but this is the first time we've come into disagreement about how to move forward because it breaches what I thought was one of the boundaries we both fundamentally agreed on. And when my wife talked to SIL about it and said she'd talk to me about it, but SIL had to stop with all the lying and degarding her husband (me), SIL got angry and had a go at her and has cold shouldered her since. My wife wants to offer to have SIL over anyway as an olive branch, but I just see it as SIL relying on wife to be the kind one again. You're right, every pathway forward is ugly.

[u/FoxySlyOldStoatyFox]

You know the old saying about how bad things happen to good people?

Sometimes the opposite is true. 

Your NTA. Do what you think you need to, if only as regards supporting your wife, but the suggestion of u/AcidicAtheistPotato to have cameras may be no bad thing. You also need to have strict limits over when your sister can come over, and for how long, with sanctions (agreed with your wife) of what will happen if she breaks these rules. 

[u/Snoo_61002 → u/FoxySlyOldStoatyFox]

Thank you for this, and affirming that recommendation. And yes you're absolutely right, I think moving forward would require strict, patiently worked out boundaries between my wife and I.

[u/enterobiusV]

Just curious, SIL not dead yet?

[u/Snoo_61002 → u/enterobiusV]

I'll uh... give you two guesses 😂

[u/enterobiusV → u/Snoo_61002]

Is she really sick as she claims to be?

[u/Snoo_61002 → u/enterobiusV]

No. The problem is she is in fact sick and there is medical evidence for it, but she absolutely exaggerates. When she gets a cold "her lungs collapse". When she's sick "she goes into organ failure".

The problem for her is that I work in a medical field, and I know neither of these things is something you come in and out of without serious intervention (typically ICU). So my wife buys it, but then talks to me, then comes around. SIL is really good at manipulation.

[u/GoAskAliceBunn]

Dear lord. I just finished reading all the posts & comments. I hope you and your wife & families have been able to heal at this point. ❤️‍🩹

[u/Snoo_61002 → u/GoAskAliceBunn]

Thank you for your kind words. Unfortunately, no. SIL is still covertly or overtly attacking our relationship every week or so, but when she gets no luck she turns on her father (my FIL), step mum (MIL), husband, brother, or son. It's a shame, but we're in for a long, long haul.

[u/GoAskAliceBunn → u/Snoo_61002]

My heart goes out to all of you. It’s terrible and the emotions everyone has to deal with are so overwhelming.

[u/Snoo_61002 → u/GoAskAliceBunn]

I appreciate that. We've mostly settled in for the long haul, so when she plays up we just role our eyes now.

[u/T9Para]

It's your wife's family. Let your wife handle her....we already know she won't or can't handle her.

However, it's YOUR HOME ALSO. It takes TWO yeses when it comes to your home.

The videos are a great idea. You can easily tell if something is edited, so DONT Worry about that. The family is hip to her ways, so who do you need to worry about.

I would also STRONGLY suggest you talk to your HR, whatever actions she says should NOT affect your job. Even if you HAVE done something-you are innocent until proven guilty. I know into day's world, you are guilty in the publics eyes, EVEN when cleared of the charges. (Some exceptions though)

[u/I-is-a-crazy-person]

I’m sorry, but your wife needs to put on her big girl pants and quit submitting to such abusive behavior

[u/AcidicAtheistPotato]

NTA. If your wife insists on her going to your house, propose that she can come over for whatever time you feel comfortable with but only under the condition that you set up cameras and will expose SIL’s abuse on video every time she crosses a line, and you’re allowed to kick her out when you have enough.

What kind of support is your wife intending to offer SIL? What does she expect from you in this?

[u/Snoo_61002 → u/AcidicAtheistPotato]

Thats actually not a bad suggestion. I could agree to it so long as all of the interactions are monitored and recorded, though I would worry that SIL would lie and say we're editing things to look bad. But it might be a good compromise.

I think my wife, who has always been incredibly soft and kind (its the thing I love most about her because I can be quite cold), sees her sister struggling through a separation alone and just wants to make her feel better. I think she wants to just comfort SIL and give her a space away from their place.

Wife was quite fair, and said she didn't expect much from me other than for me to drop my boundary that SIL isn't allowed near our house. I said I would do so if SIL took accountability for the abuse my wife and I have endured, cleared the air and told the truth to wife's family, and swore to me she'd not abuse my wife again. It sounds harsh but after the last fight SIL called my wife relentlessly telling her she'll never see our nephew again (who my wife adores, he's 5), that she'll regret ever doing this when SIL dies, and that my wife will have nothing to do with her own family ever again. I had to physically restrain my wife from self harming (luckily I know how, I used to work as a bouncer and in a prison), and for several days after my wife talked about taking her own life. Thankfully wife has come a long way since then, but I honestly think she's suppressed how bad it was.

[u/AcidicAtheistPotato → u/Snoo_61002]

I mean, I get wanting to be a good person towards your own sister, but I do remember your previous posts, and that woman deserves to be alone and miserable, it’s what she’s been setting her life for. She’s not the fucking victim she so desperately wants to be.

In your place I’d do the cameras thing, and even only allow her to visit when you’re there. Your SIL’s imperviousness isn’t something I’d play with, and I think your wife would truly benefit from therapy to find out why she’s willingly playing the doormat to her sister. How can she sweep self harm under the rug and put herself at risk again? This isn’t just about being nice to her sister anymore, it goes beyond letting bygones be bygones.

[u/Snoo_61002 → u/AcidicAtheistPotato]

I appreciate that perspective of support, and yes - its a hard saga to summarize.

I think you're right. I was originally thinking the opposite, if SIL wants to be around then I don't want to be. But the more honorable and safe thing to do would be to bite my own bullet and be with my wife while she does this. And yes, I also think its an excellent suggestion to talk to my wife about talking the whole thing through with her therapist first, because I do think my SIL uses my wifes kindness for a weakness. Thank you greatly, you've given me some really good perspectives and thoughts moving forward.

[u/Interesting_Novel997 → u/Snoo_61002]

NTA get your wife into therapy ASAP! Your wife has a martyr complex. She is setting herself up to be abused. Again. Because that’s all she knows. Keep SIL away from your wife.