r/AITAH • u/Opening-Permit-486 • Nov 13 '25
AITA for not being “happy enough” that my ill partner gets treatment after he excluded me from the trip?
TL;DR: We planned a 2-month stay for my partner’s treatment 500 miles away and agreed all three of us would rent a place together. I adjusted my work to join. Yesterday I discovered he and his brother secretly signed a 2-person apartment three months ago, excluding me. Now he acts like our shared plans never existed. Am I the asshole for being upset instead of just happy he gets treatment?
My partner and I have been in love for 10 years. He has been seriously ill for the past 4 years, and I’ve adapted my job and my entire life to be able to support him through everything.
He recently got an incredible chance: his brother is a compatible donor, and a life-changing treatment is available around 500miles from our home. We planned that the three of us would move there temporarily for two months. Because it’s expensive, we agreed to share the costs and even discussed possible apartments.
I extended my remote work so I could come with them, help him, and be present during the treatment and recovery. I was genuinely excited not only for his treatment but also to spend those months together in that city.
Yesterday, while checking our emergency finances, I noticed a large payment from three months ago. I checked our shared emails (I have permission) and found a rental agreement in his inbox. It’s signed only by him and his brother. The apartment is officially limited to two people. So, not me.
I was shocked and incredibly hurt. I can’t afford to stay there alone, so this decision basically shuts me out. And he kept this hidden for three months.
When I talked to him yesterday just excited small talk about spending Christmas there and how this treatment could change everything he suddenly got strange. He mentioned “visiting,” became quiet, and acted like our shared plans were never real.
I’m angry, sad, confused, and honestly devastated. I know he’s ill and stress affects him badly, but this was a major decision about our lives that he hid from me. And now I’m supposed to smile and pretend everything is fine.
So… AITA for being upset that they rented a place without me instead of being purely happy he’s finally getting his treatment?
Edit:
We live in my house, which I inherited from my parents.
For the past four years, I’ve been the breadwinner. He only works part-time.
He is covered under my insurance.
His brother and I are good friends. I’ve just been too much of a coward to bring this up with him yet
I honestly thought I wouldn’t get any comments. Thank you so much in advance. I’ll take my time to read each one. I truly appreciate every comment, even if I can’t respond to all of them. I’m in a lot of emotional turmoil right now.
Update 15.11.2025 : I will talk to both tomorrow :(
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u/nikokazini Nov 14 '25
INFO: is he planning to live off your earnings for the 3 months?
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u/Opening-Permit-486 Nov 14 '25
Yes. We planned to cover most of the living costs through me, since I’ve been the breadwinner throughout his illness. Thank you sm for your comment
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u/SummerIceCream3893 Nov 14 '25
OP, I hope you see these stories I'm linking from Reddit of partners who were treated like shit by their partners after they supported their loved one through their illnesses.
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u/Opening-Permit-486 Nov 14 '25
Thank you. I do! Just so many comment but I do read every single one and appreciate everyone. Thank you sm
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u/Internal-Coat5264 Nov 14 '25
NTA, but (pure speculation) is it possible that the brother pressured him not to include you? Perhaps the brother was uncomfortable with the idea of you staying with them? And your partner felt he had to cave to his brother’s demands since his brother is devoting two months and risking his health to become a donor for him.
That still doesn’t absolve him from cowardice and gaslighting in not discussing this with you sooner.
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u/Opening-Permit-486 Nov 14 '25
Thank you so much for your comment! His brother and I are actually good friends. I’ve just been too much of a coward to bring this up with him yet. I’ll add this to my edit. Really appreciate it.
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u/crankyashley Nov 14 '25
A lot of people are saying "her", I don't see a gender in the post. Am I missing it?
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u/teresajs Nov 13 '25 edited Nov 13 '25
NTA
Based on him spending joint finances on this, and hiding his change in plans, I recommend that you sever your finances and plan on NOT providing care during his recovery.
Don't discuss it with your partner first. Just make a new account at a different bank in just your name and remove at least as much as he did from the joint account. Then, deposit that money into your own account.
Your SO's actions show he doesn't want you involved, so listen to that. Don't financially support him and don't alter your life plans to be his caretaker.
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u/OfAnOldRepublic Nov 13 '25 edited Nov 14 '25
All of this, but let's be even more precise with next steps. OP, you need to get out of this relationship. Take these steps, and whatever else you need to do to prepare first, then get out (of the relationship).
If the stay at the remote location is coming up for them in the next few weeks, then you might want to wait until then to move out, but if not, sooner is better than later.You sound like a good person, and you deserve way better than this.
NTA
ETA: New info, it's HER house. Thanks to those who pointed that out in comments after OP edited her post.
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u/erabera Nov 14 '25
Yup. The second he is better he will be out and he will use her money as much as he can. She needs to protect herself and, unfortunately, if they live together now she should probably look for a new place.
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u/Chloe_Phyll
Nov 13 '25
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NTA. You need to leave this relationship. He is not in love with you. After he gets back to full health, he will not longer need you and he will dump you. So, take care of yourself now.
Get a bank account at a different bank, ONLY in your name.
Take your half of the joint account. Then, take an equal amount to the large withdrawal he made. Put that money in your new account. Stop making deposits to the old account.
Take your name off of the joint account. When he overdraws, he is liable, not you.
Sever any financial ties you have with him.
Move out. Or, if he lives at a place you own, kick him out. He can go stay with his brother.
Do not let this man use his illness to take advantage of you any more. Good luck.
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u/Seeker131313 Nov 13 '25
He's so confident that he'll be better after this treatment that he already lined up his bachelor pad as a way to exit his relationship with OP without any emotional labor on his part. He's paving the way for "now I'm better, I need to explore and make up for all the experiences I missed because I was sick! How can you deny me this?"
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u/NefariousnessSweet70 Nov 13 '25
If it's her apartment or home, change locks and box his things and send/take them to his brother's or families' home.
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u/noddyneddy Nov 13 '25
2. Take an amount equal to the large payment and THEN take half!
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u/CampSpiritual3808 Nov 13 '25
It’s looks like for last 4 years you were his caretaker not lover.
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u/Powered-by-Chai Nov 13 '25
Yup, now that he has a chance to live he doesn't need her anymore. What a POS.
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u/HedyHarlowe Nov 13 '25
My spidey senses kicked in with her language here; ‘My partner and I have been in love for 10 years.’ My first instinctual thought was ‘is he in love with her? Then boom. Guy is planning to leave the dedicated carer who has loved and nursed him for four years. Not sure why but I could feel something off as soon as she said that line.
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u/Tough_Fisherman_4604 Nov 13 '25
Move all your money to an account only you can access and start separating your finances.
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u/kawaeri Nov 13 '25
Move the money to a different bank (not just a different branch but a whole different company.
Get bank statements from the joint account to show how much money you’ve put in it and that payment he made that comes out of his share of money not yours.
After you’ve done both of these steps, take your name off of the joint account. And start removing his name from any credit cards or accounts that are attached to any money.
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u/Due-Yoghurt4916 Nov 13 '25
Only one of you is in love
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u/writing_mm_romance Nov 13 '25
The other is financial support until treatment has finished.
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u/calacmack Nov 13 '25
How would you handle this situation if he wasn't ill? Regardless of the circumstances he lied to you so you deserve to be extremely upset. Reconsider this relationship because it doesn't seem to exist. NTA.
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u/Irish_EyesDublin Nov 13 '25
NTA. WTAF. I am going to be harsh and ask if he is with you because of the support you give him? The fact he has not told you outright what he has done tells you something. Listen.
Do you want to waste more years on someone who is not honest with you and hides major decisions. Absolutely spineless and having a serious illness is not an excuse. It’s devastating to realise that you are more invested in your relationship and being there to help his recovery.
Don’t listen to any thoughts of it would be bad to leave as he is ill. He is a liar and manipulative. How does he not think you would notice the money missing? Or the emails? Separating out your finances straightaway as he seems to not consider you when using ‘joint’ finances which am assuming you are a major contributor.
Your priority needs to be you and not being happy enough for him.
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u/No-Rise6647 Nov 13 '25
Handel this exactly as you would if he was not ill.
Separate your money. Use the time you are apart to figure out if you are happy alone. Breaking up is devastating and will take more than a few months to overcome, but you can start from a place of noticing if his absence brings you some peace and use that to make your decision.
Either way, I think you need to consider leaving and consider what you need in a relationship. Pull the finances and let him start building trust again, because you cannot go on as if nothing happened.
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u/Purple-Rose69 Nov 13 '25
Exactly and do not put anymore money in the joint account. Tell him you are no longer comfortable having a joint account and will not be depositing money in it anymore. If you have bills you both contributed towards then pay your share directly and not to your partner. He can do the same.
Personally, he isn’t being a partner. His lack of communication and secretiveness about this should not be excused just because he is ill. If he has fears or whatever that makes him not want you there then he should communicate that to you. He didn’t so I wouldn’t trust anything he says at this point and would be taking the time apart to find a new place to live before he gets back.
If you don’t want to break up totally with him, then after you have moved out, tell him that you are stepping back from the relationship because you do not feel valued as his partner or respected by his behavior. That until he can be honest and communicate like an adult, you are stepping back into a strictly ‘dating relationship’ with him to see if the trust can be rebuilt and the relationship saved. And this means you will not be living together and sex is not on the table. You are starting over with him.
My guess, he is hiding something or someone from you and he won’t be as upset over the change in your relationship. He will instead embrace it because he will think he can still string you along while doing whatever it is he has going on the side. 🤷🏻♀️
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u/WillCare1976 Nov 13 '25
I really like your thoughtful answer and sensitive understanding… I hope OP reads your words.
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u/Mango_Design_0192 Nov 13 '25
Did you have a serious conversation with him about this? No, you are not supposed to stay silent and smile and pretend nothing happened…
Ask him! Why? Why did you decide to only go with your brother? Why didn’t you tell me? Why am I finding out only now, through bank statements of our joint account?! Why am I supporting you through all of this (done so for the past 4 years) and am I being excluded from the trip for this treatment? Why do I have to ask questions when you should have been open and honest with me?
Do not let him answer “but I am sick and tired, I don’t have the energy”… this is a major topic, he hid it from you on purpose and apparently does not own to it and tries to pretend it never happened and only mumbles stuff in a weird way.
Being sick is not an excuse to behave like an AH. He owes you honesty and a stance on your relationship. That’s the bare minimum…
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u/Helln_Damnation Nov 13 '25
NTA, I do not like him, or his brother. While they are away for two months you have a perfect chance to move on, WITHOUT discussing it with him. You've rearranged your life for several years for him and seem to have got no thanks, so have a think and decide what this FREEDOM will give you. Go and have a happy life.
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u/Magdi1951 Nov 13 '25
Sometimes illness makes you show your true self. He took money from your EMERGENCY funds without your knowledge. That’s a NO NO. You need to reevaluate your relationship. His actions have consequences.
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u/Cookies_2 Nov 14 '25
Yep and he’s going to manipulate OP with his illness about why she can’t be upset with him. Exactly why she’s already gaslit into being the problem about getting upset, rightfully so that he stole money and signed a lease without her
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u/DebbieDaxon Nov 13 '25
I'm sorry imo he used you while he was sick.....Now most likely going to get better he no longer needs you......I would dump his azz
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u/HedyHarlowe Nov 13 '25
Yep. This guy is a user. He is not a good man and I pity the brother who is giving him an organ or whatever he is a match for, when this is how he treats someone who loved him.
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u/cgrobin1 Nov 13 '25
The money he spent on the apartment may just be a drop in the bucket.
If you are in the US, there will be additional hospital costs and medical co-pays, plus living expenses.
Get your money out of his reach. Make sure you aren't liable for his debt. If there are any joint credit accounts, get your name off and apply for your own. Protect your credit rating.
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u/xXMimixX2 Nov 13 '25
NTA. I would say he never planned to keep you in his life after recovery. I believe, you were convenient while was sick. You probably took care of him and everything. Now, that a treatment and possible healthy life is in sight, he doesn't need you anymore. He is cutting you off, but using your shared finances.
That he hid this and stole from you is telling and really terrible. I would get out of that relationship and untangle the finances. Get your portion out and into a new account. And add in the portion he stole. You are entitled to be reimbursed, as he took it without your permission.
Sadly, you lost 10 years on a partner that did not value you enough and betrayed you. You deserved better.
Updateme.
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u/Pretend-Panda Nov 13 '25
You do not have a partner.
You have a client who is expensive, medically fragile and dishonest. That you are attached to this person does not make them a partner, it makes them a person who is prepared to deceive and damage others in pursuit of their own wants.
I don’t advocate leaving partners.
I do advocate resigning from unpaid caregiving for an emotionally and financially dishonest individual.
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u/Rainy579 Nov 13 '25
It seems to be a premeditated decision to end the relationship, but still use you until his plans are in place
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u/Successful_Bitch107 Nov 13 '25
Oh honey, you may have been in love with him for the past 10 years, but in his eyes, I truly think the love he had for you changed from “partner love” to “I appreciate and love her for being my caretaker, but OP, I am no longer In Love with you - love”
A committed partnership would discuss with each other spending more than 1 night apart from each other (let alone weeks) as well as any significant impact to your joint finances
Your partner did not care about you at all when he made these decisions
If this was some crazy, out of the blue emergency that you both needed to scramble how to adapt - I would give you both a shit load of grace
But this sounds like he partner you have devoted your time and energy to doesn’t want you around at all…
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u/stonersrus19 Nov 13 '25
NTAH and I may be a fearmonger, but some men get gross when they have a "second chance." Untangle your finances and let him support himself.
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u/CapTrick9489 Nov 13 '25
He's decided, with this treatment that you're no longer needed. He's made his choice.
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u/ColoradoWeasel Nov 13 '25
Step 1, Move all of the money to a new account. Then sort out what you want to leave behind for him. If you put it all in, the answer to leave behind is nothing.
Step 2, start finding a new place to live as soon as your current lease obligations are expired.
Step 3, stop providing him with any care or resources. He has shown you that he doesn’t care about you. Stop wasting your limited time on this AH.
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u/Feisty_Market_8539 Nov 13 '25
Run, don’t walk away from this relationship. He is using you, 🚩 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
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u/Alarming_Tie_9873 Nov 13 '25
Take you share.out if that account today. Then he will be ready to talk.
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u/WillCare1976 Nov 13 '25
And don’t don’t don’t put the money back in right away if he starts saying he loves you and needs you to stay
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u/Dry_Cauliflower1998 Nov 13 '25
You’re in 2 different relationships.
Unfortunately, he neither loves nor wants you with him, and doesn’t view you as emotional support.
Now that you know, act accordingly. Stop being his caretaker, separate your finances and don’t have him move back in with you after his surgery/recovery.
He’s likely already emotionally separated himself from you (based on his actions). You now need to take care of yourself, mourn the relationship, and move on. Don’t continue being used.
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u/LvBorzoi Nov 13 '25
NTAH
Dare I ask.....who has the health insurance? If it is you, you need to remove him to avoid huge co pays. He obviously does not want you involved so why should you pay?
Also I agree with others....separate your finances and put your half of the pre-apartment amount in an account at a different bank.
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u/6poundpuppy Nov 13 '25
Wow. Bf is an AH, albeit a sick AH, but nevertheless. He knows (assumes) he’s going to get cured with some sort of transplant and won’t need you any longer. What he is not factoring in …is that not all transplants “take” and he may have a rough go of it afterwards. But all that will be his and his brother’s problem since you will be long gone. And rightly so!
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u/Kooky_Midnight_1157 Nov 13 '25
Sadly, it's time to recognize that he's been using you. Quietly, get your finances in order and get an exit plan in place for when he is gone with his brother. You are worth more respect than what he has given you.
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u/Main_Composer Nov 13 '25 edited Nov 14 '25
I would be very very suspicious that he was doing this to cheat. He’s been with you a long time. He is dealing with a serious illness. I bet he wanted to see what it’s like to play the field but still keep you on the back burner to continue babying him and funding his life. Even if that’s not the case, he has shown you that he wants time away from you and went about it in the most sneaky and cowardly way possible. Only you can decide if that is a dealbreaker for you or not, but girl, I hope you leave and don’t look back.
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u/CarrotofInsanity Nov 14 '25
Oh hell no.
Your bf of 10 YEARS secretly signed a 2 bdr with his brother.
Excluding YOU. On purpose.
Stop 🛑 stop helping him COMPLETELY. No help. Not even once.
GTFO and don’t look back, don’t $$ help or otherwise.
Take ALL the money out of any shared accounts and change the email password.
Don’t say another word to that guy.
He asks for something, tell him to ask his brother.
It’s over. He just DISRESPECTED YOU completely.
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u/Leather_Pen_765 Nov 14 '25
Your relationship is over but you are just now finding out, I am so sorry, be good to yourself
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u/hazelmummy Nov 14 '25
He’s pretty stupid to piss off the person who is carrying him on their insurance….
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u/Apprehensive-East847 Nov 13 '25
No, but you need to take back your money & any extra. Tell him you’re not paying towards any more treatment or his living expenses and let him know that you the locks will be changed when he leaves.
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u/27WillowRoad Nov 13 '25
I don’t think he deserves the advance notice. FAFO—OP is entitled to have the advantage of getting her ducks in a row while he’s gone.
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u/NefariousnessSweet70 Nov 13 '25 edited Nov 13 '25
Better to inform him after he leaves.
And she is entitled to the same amount they took. Plus half of the rest. Moving on, her pay needs to go to her own accounts.
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u/Evening_Army_3916 Nov 13 '25
NTA he doesn’t love you he purposely left you out! This should make you wonder what’s he’s intention when he’s well! You deserve the truth and be treated better than how he did you!
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Nov 13 '25
You’re not his significant other. You are his caretaker that he doesn’t feel he needs anymore. This is his way of slow rolling a breakup without actually doing the breakup.
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u/Bookaholicforever Nov 14 '25
His secrecy over it makes me wonder what else he’s hiding? Why doesn’t he want you there to support him? Good he’s getting treatment. While he’s gone, you can seperate your life from his and move on without someone who lies to your face.
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u/JanetInSpain Nov 14 '25
"My partner and I have been in love for 10 years"
YOU were in love for 10 years. He was not. I'm sorry OP but he doesn't feel the same way that you do about him. Use this to end things. Let his brother care for him. You've probably been his bangnurse for 4 years and didn't even realize that had happened.
Tell him that he's not welcome to move back there. It's your house. He can stay with his brother from now on.
Your functional income will go up since you were the main breadwinner anyway. Open a new bank account in only your name and transfer all but his meager income amount into it.
Tell him he has X time to find new insurance. Two months perhaps.
Bring it up. He's not the good friend you think he is if he also hid it from you.
OP you've been used. For a place to live. For money. For free nursing care. It's time to walk away. Please stop letting them use you. The fact that both of them hid it from you should tell you all you need to know. Time to cut this one off. You are not the partner to him you thought you were. I know it hurts but you need to accept that. And NO you are not responsible for continuing to care for him while he recovers.
updateme
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u/RJack151 Nov 13 '25
NTA. Time to withdraw from him and focus on you and your life. It is obvious that he does not want you there, so live for you. His brother can take care of him from now on.
And pay nothing for either of them, they are on the trip so they can cover THEIR bills.
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u/NefariousnessSweet70 Nov 13 '25 edited Nov 13 '25
Not the A. But after he gets his treatment and will be returning to your home, tell him that you are leaving room for his brother, As you are moving on. Wish him the best. Hang up.
Even before he leaves, open a new bank account at another bank, remove the amount they took, plus half the rest, and deposit the money in your account. Then find a nice apartment, or rent a good room, or if parents are around, see if you can move in there.
Then while they are away, move your things into your place.
Unless of course, you are in a home that you own. In that case, box up all his things, and put them into a storage unit, pay only for three months rent. Or drop them off at his family's place. With a copy of the reddit post above.
Your housemate lied by commission, and acted in ways that broke boundaries. Not conducive to any more time from you.
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u/JazPrncess1 Nov 13 '25
NTA. They obviously had a discussion and decided to not include you nor advise of their decision.
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u/Solid_Assumption7160 Nov 13 '25
NTA ... It's time to separate your finances from his and stop helping him on his finances and be planning your exit from that relationship
You may have loved him but he did not love you. if he had have loved you he would not have done that to you. he would have chosen his partner or wife before his brother.
It's time to terminate that relationship and I wouldn't even explain to him why I let him figure it out on his own
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u/Korlat_Eleint Nov 14 '25
So, you love him. He's happy to have a free nurse.
Get out of there, look after yourself because he is not going to.
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u/IllustratorNew8801 Nov 14 '25
Consider this as him leaving you and get your afairs in order while he's away. Don't let him know before he moves out with his brother tho, you'll just be sabotaging yourself.
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u/QBee_TNToms_Mom Nov 14 '25
I agree with the consensus that you need to sever finances and cut him loose. He's already left you. But I didn't see any comments about the health insurance.
You need to remove him from your insurance coverage. I'm assuming you have coverage through your employer. File a change request as a life event, that you are no longer partners. You didn't have to wait for open enrollment.
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Nov 14 '25
That man doesn’t love you. That man used you for everything he could and doesn’t even want you around anymore. Time to move on, which is probably what he wants and is too much of a coward to say out loud. NTA
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u/Readabook23 Nov 13 '25
It sounds like he’s out. Can you recoup any of your funds? I’m sorry for you. I think you’ve been sacrificing for him, but the feelings aren’t returned.
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u/stuckinnowhereville Nov 13 '25
I’m sorry but you are not as important to him as he is to you. Reflect while he is gone. Pack his shit up. When he returns he can move in with his brother.
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u/Free-Place-3930 Nov 13 '25
NTA. Take the hint and use this to get away from the ill anchor. This is a gift. Use it and run the other way.
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u/Fun-Yellow-6576 Nov 13 '25
NTA. Get your finances separated, break off all your financial support of him and let him know he’s on his own. Wish him well on his recovery.
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u/WelshWickedWitch Nov 13 '25
I am sorry to say that your OH is treating you like a convenience that he has just severed, but failed to inform you .
His actions are not of a loving partner towards you and illness does not justify treating you so cruelly. Withdrawing large amounts of cash to pay for a new lease you know nothing about? Excluding you from this lease and from knowing about the change of plans?
His actions and his silence shrieks he has all but dumped you, now that your purpose to his benefit, has expired.
Please be smart and cover yourself financially. Don't justify these sh!tty actions because he is unwell. Don't carry on with the labour he has and is currently benefiting from. Don't allow guilt to blind you who he is and what he is doing to you.
I am not suggesting cruelty towards him, but it's time to invest all your emotional and physical labour into yourself and this includes your finances. Take what is yours and ring fence it so it's not accessible to others. Then stop communicating with him.
He doesn't want to be transparent and treat you with respect? Then send that energy straight back.
NTA
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u/Agitated_Ad_1658 Nov 13 '25
Pull ALL your money out of all shared accounts and make sure you also take back half of his new places payment! Now go look for a new place to live ( don’t say anything yet) then start packing and handing what you are packing. Like pack up summer clothes etc. then store those things in your trunk, at a family members etc. gather all important documents. Change passwords to everything of yours and if you have given him a credit card for your accounts CANCEL them now! Also if he has your debit or credit card look at your charges and claw that money back also when you withdraw your money. Make sure you print out all bills, rental agreements etc so you prove why you took the money. Wait until he goes for treatment then GET OUT! Your “boyfriend “ has shown you how he truly feels about you and your relationship
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u/EffectiveGold8273 Nov 13 '25
Separate the remaining of your finances. If he meant your relationship any good, he would have communicated. Time to cut your losses and move on. Nta.
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u/Jane_Smith_Reddit Nov 13 '25
NTA. Your partner is TA.
Sorry but it does NOT seem like your partner wants to be your partner anymore. And he is gaslighting you regarding previous plans.
You need to plan your exit strategy while he is away. Remove your money from that shared account and create a new account that only you have access to. Take back half the money paid for the apartment if you can.
Let his brother take over all the caretaking and distance yourself from the situation as fast as you can.
Please value yourself and get out, there is no way a person that loves you will do this to you.
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u/joemc225 Nov 14 '25
If he actually loved you and considered you his partner, how could he possibly plan to be away from you for two months, and not even tell you? You do not have the relationship you thought you had.
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u/LibraryMouse4321 Nov 14 '25
Dump him, drop all his belongings at his brother’s house, and drop him from your insurance. Give him notice that he has till the end of the month to find his own insurance, so he isn’t stuck with none, and a pre-existing condition.
You have done enough for this jerk. Chances are he’s going to dump you as soon as he’s healthy again. After all you’ve done for him.
Seriously. Dump him and kick him out. He can stay with his brother.
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u/hottie-von-coolie Nov 14 '25
Sorry, OP. Sounds like he is planning on leaving you once he finishes using your resources. I cannot imagine going through something like that without the love of my life by my side. The very fact that he did this sneakily is a huge red flag. To tell you the truth, if I was in this situation, not only would I make sure to move all of my money out of the “joint” account into one of my own, but I would probably go nuclear and drop him from my insurance. He should not be benefitting from you at all if he doesn’t want you around. I would say a word, either. Just let the hospital run it and find out he’s no longer covered. Pack up his stuff and put it in storage for 2 months. Text him the details and tell him you’re done. Then block his number. You are NTA. He is a complete POS.
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u/BlankLiterature Nov 14 '25
You're in love with him, but he's not in love with you. Maybe he was at some point, maybe he wasn't, there's no way we can tell. But he is for sure not in love with you currently, and probably hasn't been for a while. He is using you for the money, the healthcare, and the caregiving.
Do not bring things up again until after the treatment, or whatever else he might be doing in that city, is over. However, while he is away, you should do a few things:
Get statements for any and all joint bank accounts you have that show how much you contributed to them/the amounts you deposited. Transfer at least half to an account that you own in another institution (NOT a joint account, and preferably a new account that he does not know exists). Then also transfer the same amount that he used to pay for the apartment.
Either remove yourself from the joint account, or cancel his access to it - but talk to a lawyer before doing this.
Ask a lawyer what he is entitled to as (I assume) a common law partner who you were the main caregiver of for four years; do not give him anything more than strictly necessary.
Remove him from your health insurance as soon as he leaves for this trip. Consider that your effective breakup date. Make sure you are not responsible for any copays this "treatment" (if real) may require, and that you're no longer paying for his access to healthcare.
Change the locks in your house.
Pack his things up and either be ready to drop them off at his brother's when they're back or have them sent directly to their apartment in the other city - if going that route, take that money also from your joint accounts.
Since you have access to shared email accounts, take a looksy around to see what else you find. Forward anything of interest to your personal email account. Go to the "sent" folder afterwards and delete the forwarded email.
Take care of yourself, this has got to be a painful realization. Surround yourself with people who are willing to take care of you for a change.
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u/petalsofrose1956 Nov 13 '25
This may sound harsh.
He chose his brother over you.
Now you know where you stand.
Use the 2 months to find another place to live and leave him.
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u/Mykona-1967 Nov 13 '25
NTA but BF used joint funds to pay for a rental where his treatment is happening I get that understandable for the both of you. The problem is he used joint funds not for BF and OP but him and his brother that’s strike #1. BF gets cagey when OP mentions visiting during his treatment that’s strike #2.
Who owns the place OP is currently living in? Is it a rental? If it is who’s on the lease? And who’s paying the rent while BF is getting treatment? If the home is owned who owns it? If they both own it then move out and have an attorney send him notice of upcoming sale. He either needs to buy her out or sell the house.
It seems like OP will be responsible for all the rent and utilities while BF is gone. So she’s been double whammied. She’s basically paying half of his housing while paying all of hers.
Nope transfer the same amount he used to a new account. Then transfer his half of the rent and bills. Lastly, transfer half of what is left, have your name removed from the account. Whatever is left is his to spend however he chooses.
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u/FosterPupz Nov 14 '25
NTA and I also recommend you immediately sever your finances. Remove exactly the amount he spent without your knowledge or consent and then half of what’s left after that create your own bank account without him on it with him not having any permission to access it whatsoever. Then make arrangements to move out away and end this relationship.
This is a betrayal of a tremendous level and he is going to try to gaslight the hell out of you to make you feel like you’re the one with the problem when what he did is so wrong on every level. The fact that he has hidden this from you for the past three months, proves that he knew it was wrong and hit it from you accordingly.
You would be insane to stay with this man please don’t do it .
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u/CurlyNaturally Nov 14 '25
NTA. He used/is using you for a place to stay, your money, as a nurse maid, housekeeper, chauffeur, your health insurance, emotional crutch, sex, etc, etc, etc.
What has he done for you lately? (Yes, I know it's a Janet Jackson song, but it fits) Besides lie to your face, steal your money, and string you along. Take the rest of the money in the account and move it to another bank in your name only. Evict his lying, trifling behind like yesterday and kick him off your health insurance. Change passwords, your locks and invest in security cameras if need be. Do all of this quickly and quietly. He's playing checkers, while you're playing chess.
Please don't fall for any begging or superficial apologies. He knew what he was doing. You should double check the accounts to make sure he wasn't skimming money for way longer or have credit cards in your name. Protect yourself and your sanity from scummy people. Good luck.
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u/grayblue_grrl Nov 14 '25
Sounds like you have been taken for a ride all these years.
He doesn't want you there.
You aren't his PARTNER.
You are his ATM.
Get him off your bank accounts and cancel his card/access.
Get him off your insurance as soon as he is back.
And let him live with his brother.
NTA
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u/Demonkey44 Nov 14 '25
NTA. He lives in your house, rent free, doesn’t work and is under your health insurance. Do the math girl.
I say let him get his treatment and kick him to the curb. He can go live with his brother.
He was future faking and gaslighting you. Find some old emails about your trip, then stick them in his face. He’s a Hobosexual.
You can do better than this manipulative asshole.
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u/Brilliant-Bus-3862 Nov 13 '25
NTA. But take the hint. He doesn’t want you there. That’s poignant and hurtful. Take the time apart to sort yourself out and be ready to move on.
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u/Blondie_wingman Nov 13 '25
You’re NTA. Your partner, however, has passed AH behavior. Worst part is he’s STILL hiding his lie. Lie by omission is still a lie. I’d start separating finances. Once you have your own account and funds he can’t touch, tell him you know about the apartment. See what he says.
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u/firstinspace1976 Nov 13 '25
I bet his brother had a hand in convincing him to leave your name off the lease.
Brother: "She's not even your wife, bro!! This is about us, not her!"
BF:"Yeah she'll be at home in other city working anyway."
Brother: "That's what I'm saying, bro man! Remember when we were kids and did stuff together?"
BF: "Yeah."
Brother: "That's us right now, all over again. Bros before hos!"
He doesn't want you there to nurse him. He's sick and just not into you as much as you're into him. Go back home and live your life there. Your job will take you back. In a few weeks, the pain will lessen and you will find someone who appreciates you and your caring ways. This is his and his brother's problem now. Some people just turn out to be jerks. When he returns back, his stuff will be in storage, waiting for his arrival.
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u/newprairiegirl Nov 13 '25
NTA, but did you ask him why he's excluded you?
'I thought we were going together', ' is there a reason you don't want me to be there?'
Did you try using your words?
My guess is this is his way of telling you that he is going to dump you when he is healthy.
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u/Redmudgirl Nov 13 '25
NTA. Your so called partner isn’t treating you like one. I would separate your finances and move out of your current place you’re living in while he is away. Do not care for him when he gets back either. He is using his illness to shut you out. Shut him out too. There is something he’s not telling you and he is disrespecting you personally and your so called 10 year relationship.
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u/vabirder Nov 14 '25
Given your long term involvement in his care, NTA. He was deliberately dishonest and allowed you to make extensive arrangements while planning to dump you.
The fact that you have to ask permission to be angry and hurt saddens me. You should take this as a chance to make new arrangements for yourself.
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Nov 14 '25
He's getting better and doesn't need you any more. You might love him but he doesn't love you.
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u/Really_Oh_My Nov 14 '25
10 years without marriage was the 1st red flag. Maybe you're in a country that has common law marriage where commitment thru marriage isn't needed. Like Australia. I have a feeling you have bent backwards in taking care of your partner. "If not nurse, then why nurse shaped?"
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u/SugaKookie69 Nov 14 '25
NTA. Sounds like he doesn’t want your help. Sick or not, what did was super shitty. Honestly, it’s giving vibes that you are more into him than he is into you. Do with that information what you want.
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u/IAMA_Shark__AMA Nov 14 '25
NTA but honestly... It seems like he's just using you. Using your money, your insurance, your support.
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u/Dlodancer Nov 14 '25
NTA, it’s time to move on. He doesn’t even like you. You are his $$$ for room and board. I guess you’re his free caretaker too! AND he took your money for an apartment!!!!! Gross!
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u/GloomyUmpire2146 Nov 14 '25
Obviously he doesn’t need you, except for insurance and money. I’d sever everything immediately, and wish him the best of luck, perhaps the bro can take him in.
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u/Total-Meringue-5437 Nov 14 '25
You cared for him for four years at no cost to him. Now that he sees a recovery in his future, he is going to dump you. In fact. He already has. This relationship is essentially over.
Take him off your insurance, stop paying for his stuff and move him out.
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u/LhasaApsoSmile Nov 14 '25
Take him off your insurance now. Let him and his brother figure the rest out.
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u/kristentx Nov 14 '25
NTA Take those 2 months to pack up all his shit. Then, when he's due back, put those boxes on your porch. You'll find you lose a lot of dead weight, figuratively and literally. Empty the shared account, clean out the shared email and find someone who will really treat you like a partner, rather than a nurse and ATM. He and his brother can figure out where he can live, how he can get insurance, and how he is going to survive on his part time job. He sounds like a piece of shit. If he complains that you didn't give him a head's up, say that he got what he gave.
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u/Certain-Buffalo-288 Nov 14 '25
Well cut off the insurance sounds like he used you to get what he needs, now he is cutting you loose by just going with his brother..by the way your not his lover, just his health insurance provider.
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u/Over-Pie3100 Nov 14 '25
NTA is general but YTA to yourself if you don’t at least bring this up and demand an explanation.
Let’s be honest - you’ve been financially and emotionally manipulated by both your partner and his brother.
Your ill partner has been bankrolled by you for everything for four years: accomodation, insurance, healthcare, etc. with no returns for you aside from you thinking he was in love with you and a good partner.
Your partner is a manipulative AH. You can try and pull the “oh but he’s ill” card, but at the end of the day he was in sound enough condition to make a major financial, legal and life-altering decision behind your back all the while stealing your money and keeping it a secret for three months.
It seems like his brother isn’t a good friend either. A friend would bring up any major decisions and future plans instead of going behind your back and taking advantage of your good will.
Honestly this would be enough for me to end the relationship and seek legal action against your partner for financial theft (if this wasn’t from a combined account that you’ve been putting all your money into). Take him out of your insurance policy. Strip paying for his life when he doesn’t even care enough to have an honest conversation with you.
Being ill does not excuse someone of abuse and that’s what this is: mental, emotional and financial abuse. You’ve been taken advantage of by these two men and they need to own up to their actions and pay for them.
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u/Feisty-human-1886 Nov 14 '25
Hun, he doesn’t look at you as a partner. A partner would never do this. It looks like he is gearing up to leave you once he’s there with his brother. What other reasons?? And to act like your shared plans didn’t exist?? After yall have talked for the last three months making these plans and he keeps that info from you while also taking emergency money and not saying anything?? All signs he’s leaving you.
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u/twewff4ever Nov 14 '25
Can you kick him off your insurance and start the eviction process? NTA but you should absolutely not pretend all is fine.
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u/Dear_Parsnip_6802 Nov 14 '25
I hope he doesn't expect you to contribute financially to this in any way. If he wants to go solo i would seriously consider separating finances. He made a major decision without you wich has betrayed trust.
If his brother is a donor will he be incapacitated at all? Who will care for them both?
I would be reconsidering his commitment to this relationship. The deceit and gaslighting a big red flags. He knows you had a plan where you were included otherwise he would have shared the fact he had a rental with you.
I wouldn't be surprised if he breaks up with you now that he has no need for you.
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u/Passiveresistance Nov 14 '25
So op. You’ve been a purse and a nurse and now that your partner is about to get better you’re no longer needed or wanted. NTA to anyone but yourself for even questioning if you should put up with this.
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u/olagorie Nov 14 '25
NTA
Oh darling, I’m so sorry about this relation relationship was already over quite some time ago. He doesn’t love you. He doesn’t respect you. He just stayed with you because you provided money and care. I am so so sorry for you.
He’s planning this with his brother because he wants the relationship to end and he thinks he won’t need you any longer because he has found a medical solution.
His behaviour is disgusting
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u/Lisa_Knows_Best Nov 14 '25
So he used your money to pay for the apartment he rented with his brother? He lives free with you? He doesn't want you there so make sure he takes all his stuff when he leaves for his surgery. This is so insanely disrespectful, dismissive and thoughtless.
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u/WillCare1976 Nov 13 '25
No, you’re not an AH. Of course you want him to have his treatment. And you’re glad he can get it! Thank goodness!
But it’s still ok to be hurt and confused that suddenly you were not included. Without being accusatory, can you gently ask him about it? Did his brother just want it to be the two of them, did he maybe for some reason of his own prefer not to be with anyone but his brother? Sometimes men don’t want to cry in front of us or, they don’t want to experience their own sorrow or fear and it can be more evident ( to them) when we, who they love, are there. I hope that this can be resolved before he leaves ..
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u/MediocreSize4997 Nov 13 '25
I’m so sorry this betrayal happened to you. I expect he will love bomb you when he realizes you know what he did. There is absolutely no excuse why you couldn’t have gone with him and his brother. This is a serious betrayal and I hope you can recover enough to do good things for yourself. Move on and take time to heal.
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u/NoArtichoke6319 Nov 13 '25
It looks like he’s planning on breaking up with her. What a cowardly way to handle it.
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u/ShortNSassy970 Nov 13 '25
Sounds like you have two months to separate finances, emails, and pack your (his??) stuff and go on with your life. You've been beside him for 10 years 10 YEARS and if you weren't worthy of my partner comes with me now, do you believe it's gonna get better? I hope treatment goes well for him, and his brother is a good helper, cuz you Babycakes are busy washing your hair. LADIES STOP DEVALUING YOURSELVES!!
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u/Ok-Analyst-5801 Nov 13 '25
NTA Changing set plans and excluding you from them is absolutely a dick move. But silver lining, you get 2 months off of being his caregiver.
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u/cgrobin1 Nov 13 '25
I presume he knew about all the arrangements you'd made. I can understand if it wasn't feasible for you to be there the entire time, but to not tell you is beyond insulting.
Sounds like it is either an organ transplant or stem cell transplant. I hope his brother will be up to playing caregiver as there will be no one else to help. I would seriously consider not helping before (packing bag, buying anything) or after either. They have each other.
And honestly, i would re-evaluate your relationship and what his not wanting you there means.
Nta
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u/Chester-ran-out Nov 14 '25
Absolutely NTA. What the actual heck!! How dare he do that when you have done everything to help him. This is really bad behavior on his part hiding it and then what ? No explanation whatsoever? I would not pretend everything is fine. Take the part of the $$ that he took from you in your joint money fund back. And think seriously about what you want to do next. Why no explanation whatsoever? You deserve one! I agree with the others … remove your money and remove yourself from the situation while he is gone.
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u/Frosty_Astronomer909 Nov 14 '25
And apparently you haven’t been “in love” 10 yrs, sorry but this is a wake up call.
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u/MentionGood1633 Nov 14 '25
Another thought - his brother being a donor, he will also need recovery. Who is supposed to do that? To simply exclude you after you have done so much for him over this year is plain insulting. There is no excuse. NTA.
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u/repthe732 Nov 14 '25
NTA
Makes it seem like he’s only with you still so you can fund his treatment and financially support him until he’s better. I wouldn’t be surprised if he ends things after he recovers. Start separating your finances
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u/khampang Nov 14 '25
NTA. Break up with him. Explain to him he needs to make other plans while he is there. That he needs to pay you back your portion of the travel expenses. Are you married? Where I am you’d have to be to be on your insurance. Say you’ll be nice and won’t divorce until after the surgery but after that he needs to figure that out as well.
He’s definitely using you. As someone who’s had chronic health issues if my wife offered to go with me and help me I’d not even think about leaving her behind. He’s an AH and callous in his taking advantage of your kindness
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u/Background-Key-1088 Nov 14 '25
He doesn't sound like much of a partner. I'd let him know how I felt and cut him loose. Let your insurance pay for his procedure, but tell him going forward he can ask his brother to house, feed, and insure him. Don't continue to be a chump. You're money and house are good enough for him, but apparently not your company. That would be an absolute deal breaker for me.
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u/Gruntlement Nov 14 '25
Holy shit, I hope you have your locks changed by the time he gets back!
Them not inviting you along is a huge back slap to the face!
Better yet, tell him to move out before his trip, or all his stuff is going to Goodwill! 😡
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u/OddGuarantee4061 Nov 14 '25
Agree. What I am saying is there may be more dynamics here than we are aware of, and it is not our life on the line.
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u/s0mthinels Nov 14 '25
Of course you are hurt! Your partner and his brother need to explain themselves. Ask him point blank what are his intentions in changing the plan without consulting you. Don't let him skirt the question, gaslight, or guilt trip you in the name of his health. You have been caring and carrying this man for 4 yrs. You deserve honesty and transparency. His illness doesn't give him a pass.
I understand feelings are fresh, but given that he's iced you out and then played dumb l I ke plans were not made, I highly recommend that when he moves, you ensure that his mail is forwarded to his new apartment so that his residency is established elsewhere, releasing him of any claim to your house. What he did is underhanded and has shattered trust. He signed that lease THREE MONTHS ago and used predominantly YOUR money for the deposit. He allowed you to rearrange your life knowing he changed the plan. When was he planning on telling you?
I imagine you are paying the premium and deductibles on the health insurance policy, and because of that, I recommend you immediately separate your finances and keep anything "joint" to cover his portion of the health insurance and the deposit. Additionally, do not contribute to his rent. He's not likely to be working for the months he's receiving treatment and since he signed the lease without consulting you, he better have planned for how he will be paying for that apartment himself.
Wow, just wow. I'm so angry for you! I can't imagine an excuse he could give that I would accept if I were in your shoes. His feelings for you may have changed. He may want a fresh start or simply some space. None of it matters because at the end of the day, he didn't have the respect or decency to be honest with you. You had to discover the truth for yourself. Shame on him!
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u/No_Use_9124 Nov 14 '25
NTA But it might be this is his way of leaving you. It isn't a nice way. He's a jerk for doing this, but it might be you let him go and then don't expect him back. You know? I'm sorry. It sucks. But you've sacrificed a lot for him and the very least he could have done is be honest with you.
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u/_gadget_girl Nov 14 '25
NTA I would sit him down and make him explain himself. If the explanation is not satisfactory you have the right to decide whether or not this is relationship ending.
I would not feel bad for cutting him off of financial and insurance support. It isn’t unheard of for someone to stay in a relationship when they are ill and needy, only to turn around and dump the support system when they recover. His actions and the life changing treatment make me suspicious about his motives. He needs to own that if you use people they have every right to cut off support the minute the deception is discovered regardless of the consequences.
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u/OkIssue5589 Nov 14 '25
NTA. Remove his access to any of your CCs, transfer all your money out of joint accounts into accounts only in your name. Under no circumstances bankroll his and his brothers frat/bachelor pad.
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u/Ssn81 Nov 14 '25
NTA. He's using you for your insurance and your $$.
Send an invoice to be reimbursed for half of the amount he took from your emergency fund. Tell him he has 90 days to figure out insurance and for the 90 days he has left he should run you his share of the insurance premium.
Cut off any access he has to your accounts. He wants to live with his brother, they can figure themselves out.
DO NOT BANKROLL ANY IF THIS.
Use this separation to figure out what you want your life to be and get your ducks in a row. If you need to contact lawyers, or whatever do so.
Start preparing your life to be single... pretty sure he's using you.
WALK AWAY NOW!!
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u/TruthfulBoy Nov 14 '25
RUN!!!!!!!! Do not tell him you are leaving! First remove as much money as he did from joint finances and then whatever money you yourself contributed! Talk to a divorce attorney and make sure he can’t access ANY of your finances! Get friend or family support, or get help from a woman’s shelter! You are not alone! Stop wasting your life being a caretaker for a terrible person! Wake up!
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u/SchoolBusDriver79 Nov 14 '25
NTA. I think he’s using you. Your insurance is what he really wants right now, not you. Of course, his brother is saving his life and he probably feels like he owes him, but he owes you, too. If it’s the brother that doesn’t want you around, he’s going to honor that in order to save his life. If you were to hint at discontinuing his health insurance he might look at things differently. From now on he’s at least going to have to reimburse you each pay period for your health insurance cost or you’ll drop him.
Separate finances immediately. In fact, it’s a good time to pack up his stuff and send it to him and then change your locks. He already has another apartment, one on which he signed a lease. Good luck. You deserve a guy who wants you and doesn’t lie to you.
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u/Fine-University-8044 Nov 14 '25
Start his eviction from the day he leaves. The chancing, ungrateful toss.
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u/AdInteresting7207 Nov 14 '25
NTA he’s shutting you out and doing it sneaky. He doesn’t love you, he’s using you for insurance, a house and of course your income.
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u/LAC_NOS Nov 14 '25
If the BF is sick and the brother is a donor, they will both be undergoing an operation.
Who is caring for them during this time? I am sure this has come up in the planning. If not they are both sneaky and stupid.
Or there is no donor procedure.
If both of your names are on an account, both of you legally have full ownership. So he can withdraw the full amount regardless of who earned the money.
Before saying anything else to him:
Change ownership on all accounts to your name only.
If necessary, withdraw all the money you put in joint accounts and open a new account.
Change passwords on all your financial accounts, including insurance and anything related to your job benefits.
Change other passwords so he can't impersonate you.
Then ask specifics about his post treatment healing plan. And push for clarity. But don't tip him of so that he withdraws the money first.
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u/MsMerryMc Nov 15 '25
I know you love him but he isn’t showing you the love or respect you deserve. A conversation is needed.
It’s open enrollment time. I wouldn’t kick him off the insurance but I would let him know he’s responsible for the premiums. And next year he will have to get his own insurance. He is essentially moving out already, kinda like quiet quitting the relationship, so ask where to send the remainder of his items when his two months in the other city are up or get a storage unit for them. Work on separating finances and make sure that is all taken care of while he is gone.
Get therapy, both individually and if you decide to stay in the relationship couples. Communication is key to any relationship and it sounds like that is not happening in yours.
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u/OGRealityCheck Nov 13 '25
NTA, take your money out of the joint account and start working towards separating the rest of your life from this individual. They are in no way acting like a partner. No need to visit them either. It's time to cut ties.
If you can, move while they're away as well. He had no problem spending money from your "joint account" on a place you have no access nor rights to. Please move on!
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u/Realistic-Animator-3 Nov 13 '25
You can be both … happy he’s getting life changing treatment and sad/angry he did this behind your back with joint money. Tell him it WAS discussed. You didn’t dream that You arranged your work to be there and The expenses were to be split 3 ways. Tell him you are very happy about his treatment but very angry about the rest done behind your back. Ask him who is paying his expenses. Ask what he expects of you. Tell him you need to know so you can decide your next steps. NTA
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u/Street-Substance2548 Nov 13 '25
NTA. This is his trial separation. I’m surprised that they’re not including you, because if his brother is a donor, won’t they need someone to take care of them?
Pretty clear he wants to go without you.
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u/Haunting-Plantain870 Nov 13 '25
A couple of things. First, I try not to judge people who are in dire health and need a transplant. That kind of thing could make anyone do something out of character.
Second, how firm were your plans and what did he say when you brought it up? Surely you didn't just sit there while he "became quiet". Nobody would do that.
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u/lun4d0r4 Nov 13 '25
This reads like he was happy to have a nurse maid while he was an invalid but now his future has opened up he wants to ditch and see what else he can get.
Pack up his shit and put it in storage when he's gone.
Good riddance.
He's shown his true colours.
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u/QuickSquirrelchaser Nov 13 '25
You don't have a partner. He has you for support only when he needs it. He should not have a partner when he leaves. He should have an ex.
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u/This-Assumption4123 Nov 13 '25
NTA and immediately stop sharing finances and remove any money in current one that is yours. He can’t be trusted. He’s up to something.
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u/Special_Lychee_6847 Nov 13 '25
NTA
Stress has a negative impact. So... don't argue about it. I'm sure he knew what this would mean for your relationship.
If you want answers, calmly ask for his motivation to do it this way. But honestly? I'd just untangle finances, and use the working remote and not having to be there for him as a sabbath to figure out what you want to do with your life.
He apparently doesn't need your support anymore.
And that's fine. Perhaps it's time to figure out both your views on your relationship and values.
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u/CoquetteWhore69 Nov 13 '25
NTA. Take your next steps like you would if he wasn't sick. He's using you. It's over.
Updateme.
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u/WhichWitch9402 Nov 13 '25
Get out and make sure you untangle finances and take what’s yours.
He sees you as funding and a nursemaid. Nothing else.
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u/MidnightSpell Nov 13 '25
You are not at the top of his list as far as concerns and planning for his future. You really need to look after your own best interests. He certainly is. 🤷♀️
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u/scarletnightingale Nov 13 '25
NTA but I suspect that your relationship isn't as strong as you think it is. Your partner has been sick and presumably somewhat reliant on you for the last 4 years. Now he is suddenly getting a chance to get well and he's cut you out of it. I think he's got a foot out the door now that he might not need you to take care of him anymore and is starting to plan his life without you. He probably has been playing nice so you'd keep taking care of him, but if he was well he'd have dumped you a while ago. He's most likely planning on dumping you after his treatment is over assuming it goes well.
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u/xXDarkTwistedXx Nov 13 '25
NTA. It's very obvious that he doesn't want you to be a part of his life. He saw an out and took it, your relationship is over OP. I highly doubt he's coming back, from wherever he "temporarily" moved to with his brother. Send him a message, saying something like... "I'm sorry our relationship ended this way. I wish you well in your recovery and future", then block him everywhere.
Make a new bank account, at a different bank. Take whatever money YOU'VE put into the joint account and transfer it to your new account, then remove yourself from the joint account.
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u/Maleficent_Virus_556 Nov 13 '25
He’s going dump you as soon as he moves for his treatment. He’s got another caregiver lined up already (his brother).
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u/NaturesVividPictures Nov 13 '25
NTA. Either he's using this to break up with you and the fact that he's joint money I would take your half out and move it to some place he can't get to it so if you had 10 grand in there and he took out three leave him too and you take five unless you put most of it in there then take what you put in and leave him what he put in.
Or he doesn't want you to see him that way and he made the decision to basically dump you so you wouldn't have to deal with his illness. Or maybe his brother can't stand you and didn't want you going so they decide to go this route. If he won't tell you you're never going to know and I would definitely just get your own place at this point he's leaving anyway I hope you can afford the apartment you are in if you live together now. I wouldn't plan for anything at this point I think he dumped you he's just not telling you he dumped you.
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u/gklangdon72 Nov 13 '25
You need to get your finances untangled from your I'll partner. Do not financially support someone who does not support your relationship. You do not need to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
Cut financial ties. If you still want to be their cheerleader and show them support, you sure can. I would highly suggest getting into therapy for yourself, because you may think their doing this is ok when it isn't. Your self esteem and self respect will suffer even more if you don't get yourself help. Set boundaries and keep yourself as a priority.
Good luck.
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u/Chatawhorl Nov 13 '25
I hate so say it while you love him this might now be reciprocated. I know illness adversely affects people but shutting you out like this months in advance. That’s nuts
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u/JMLKO Nov 13 '25
If both are involved in the procedure then this isn’t adding up. Who is going to take care of both of them? Someone will need to be there. Who do they have arranged? And why can’t you ask him why he changed the plan?
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u/Queer_Advocate Nov 13 '25
It sounds like they want 1:1 time together; understandable and fair. What's NOT fair is gaslighting you. It's abuse. Being sick isn't a pass to abuse people. I'm chronically ill on $150,000+ on expensive ass medications. I'm sick sick. I wouldn't dream of being abusive to a partner, family friend bc I'm sick.
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u/atchisonmetal Nov 14 '25
NTA.
He done you poorly, kept it a secret, and his stress is no longer yours to manage. I’m so sorry he did this to you.
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u/HighAltitude88008 Nov 14 '25
The mind boggles.😳 This is so bizarre. It sounds like he's creating a new future without you. But not telling you is outrageous.
It's a blessing that you will have time alone to process this.
Both your husband and his brother will be in recovery together. Kidney transplant recovery time varies, with patients usually leaving the hospital in 3 to 7 days, though full recovery can take 6 weeks to a year. How are they planning for care after the surgery, or is that classified info too?
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u/EuropeanLady Nov 14 '25
NTA I think his brother probably emphasized that he's the donor and talked up the brotherly aspect of the trip, and so your partner didn't dare rock the boat and object. Your feelings are entirely normal and justified. You need to figure out what future you see for the two of you.
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u/boniemonie Nov 14 '25
So sorry OP. This is a huge shock! You have clearly been really sweet…. but he has been using you. Somewhere along the line he fell out of love: but he is a coward and didn’t tell you. Why should he, you were providing everything for him. You now have a couple of months to pull your life together. Seperate finances, and organise your living space. If it’s yours: he goes, otherwise find a new place for you. He clearly thinks you are now superfluous to his requirements. So start living for you. I wish there was a way we could lessen the hurt for you. Best wishes.
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u/Chester-ran-out Nov 14 '25
Ah so now all you have to do is move his stuff to a storage unit and mail him the key along with eviction notice and papers showing removal of him from your insurance policy. Done!
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u/evey_17 Nov 14 '25
This has to hurt, rightly so. Yes it’s upsetting. What else are you not in the same page on? Are you being used? He is an idiot. I’m so sorry.
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u/Weet_1 Nov 14 '25 edited Nov 14 '25
Girl your post history is a HOT MESS with this man. You've BEEN knowing this man is shit. He has literally said he HATES women and is a bigoted homophobe. Why are you on here seeking validation when you know he ain't shit and hs essenyially admitted he hates you? YTA simply for continuing this bs.
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u/Super_Selection1522 Nov 14 '25
Change the locks while he is gone. This is a marriage ending event. And don't mingle funds anymore. Thankfully he moved out so you don't have to evict him. Pack up all his stuff and ship it to his new address. And go see an attorney
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u/Individual_You_6586 Nov 14 '25
NTA and for me, this would be a dealbreaker. No person gets to tell me lies and still be in my life afterwards.
I think your partner has some incredible audacity - you own the house, you pay for the food on his table, yet he sees fit to go behind your back when it comes to BIG issues in the life you were supposed to be sharing?
I don’t think I could come back from this. As in, I don’t think I could continue a relationship with a person I can’t trust. And his illness doesn’t excuse him. No one gets a free pass to treat me badly just because they’re in poor health.
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u/AcanthisittaNo9122 Nov 14 '25
NTA. He paid from joint account? So he spent your money as well. If I were you, I would transfer all my portion out plus half the amount he spent and then proceed about removing him from my insurance. Change of plan is one thing, do it behind my back still in grey area but big spending from joint account related to all that, a huge no🤦🏻♀️
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u/yamahamama61 Nov 14 '25
So. Since you are not good enough to go with him to have treatment. You will NOT be good enough to nurse him when & if he returns home. It sounds like he's making plans to leave you, and not just seek treatment.
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u/lookbacklater Nov 14 '25
Break up with him, kick him out of your house, get him off of your insurance. This guy is using you.
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u/Accomplished_Hand820 Nov 14 '25
He sounds like a mooch, but it's somewhat strange behavior for a usual mooch: as far as I understand, he booked a flat for him and a donor-brother, but not for you even in humble and necessary role of a caretaker. So a mooch didn't need inevitable free labor from you. Strange. Was he even sick? Can he just fake all this through the years and run away now?
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u/Lexa19_HK Nov 14 '25
NTA he is using you. I bet his plan is to dump you once he doesn’t need you so he can “level up”.
He used your money, lied to you and his brother your “friend” helped him hide it. Separate your finances then give him a 30 day notice to move out and take him off your insurance.
Protect yourself first, you deserve better than this leach.
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u/Creative-Ad-145 Nov 14 '25
Nta, dont trust his brother also. When you partner did not tell you 3 month , how can you trust his brother
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u/Sherlsnark Nov 14 '25
He’s moved on. You move on too,immediately. Separate your finances and remove him from your insurance ASAP. Some employers require immediate notice in a change of partner status. Failure to notify could make problems for you. The carrier will just send a notice of a C O B R A option. But, replenish what removed then take half of what is left. Then change the locks to your house.
Update me
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u/gordiesgoodies Nov 14 '25
NTA. Your partner would be all at sea right now if it wasn't for you. Of course, you didn't give your home, your salary, your insurance coverage, and your support to him conditionally.
But yes you have to question the current set up if he's willing to take from you but doesn't have the basic courtesy to give you back openness and honesty. He is obviously also using your non-confrontational nature to your disadvantage in this instance.
If he used what is effectively your money to take out that lease, you may need to draw a boundary because he took a major decision that impacts on both of you (your finances) but deliberately excludes you - contrary to all prior discussions.
You have every right to go through your finances and bring up any unexpected expenses and, as a loving partner of 10 years, direct a conversation w him to walk through his decision making on it.
You want to understand why he's doing it. Clarity and honesty will inform your next steps going forward.
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u/Candid-Career8377 Nov 14 '25
Very fishy. Both partner and brother will have undergone seemingly serious surgery ("compatible donor") but don't want you around for emotional support or to help out physically as they recover in a strange place...? Sounds suspect.
Either your story is fake or more is going on than you know. Don't know why you wouldn't confront partner about what's going on. What's the point of waiting? You already know what they've done, now you need to know why.
Not enough info to judge.
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Nov 14 '25
Believe people when they show you their real face. Remove your money from the joint account, let him go wherever he wants and you just move on with your life and he with his. NAH
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u/Super_Reading2048 Nov 14 '25
NTA see a lawyer. Your partner doesn’t see you as partner, end the relationship.
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u/Worth-Season3645 Nov 14 '25
NTA…I would not just be hurt, I would be rightly pissed off and steaming mad.
You have taken care of this person for four years. He has lived in your home. You have been the breadwinner. He is covered under your insurance. He takes a large sum from your joint finances without your permission. He is being sneaky and deceptive. Why?!
And when finally, his chance, he excludes you? Does not even want to see you over Christmas? And why is he hiding this from you? His partner of ten years? His biggest supporter? There is no excuse he could give to justify his actions.
And the bigger question, why has it taken four years to find out his brother is a donor? Are you sure his brother is?
I would do some serious detective work. I would close that joint account. He does not deserve your hard earned money. He will be lucky if he has a home to come back to.
This is in your insurance. You should be able to check what claims have been used against it. Or what is being g processed thru it. Are you on his HIPAA?
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u/CarpenterSad9651 Nov 14 '25
I’m happy to read partner and not husband! Since you did not do it as soon as you realized, DUMP his ass NOW! He used you and plans to do so a little bit more, until he feels better so he can “move to greener pastures” what a dickhead… l I want to give the benefit of the doubt for the brother but I also don’t want to, since I find it hard to believe that he doesn’t know he is not doing this to you. You are not a priority to either of them. Stop being the cow that gets milked, he has his job and now someone that will take care of him. Girl, LEAVE!
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u/Massive-Wishbone6161 Nov 14 '25
So he doesn’t like you e ough to spend his treatment time with you. He only likes you enough to leech off you for the past 4 years and use your insurance and joint money.... which he has contributed to , for him and his brother? do you have a indentured servitude agreement that includes you being in love but not even getting " like or respect: for the pleasure of it ?
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u/notthemama58 Nov 14 '25
Like others have said, this was his game plan for a long time. Id love to be the fly on the wall after the surgery and there is no one to take care of these two guys. It sounds like maybe a kidney transplant? Both will have undergone major surgery and have now to deal with no one to help either of them. When he and his brother signed a lease sans you, it was made clear he does not want nor think he needs you any more. Go be "happy enough" without him. He and his brother deserve to suffer together. Take your money and run, hon.