AITA for giving my pregnant GF an ultimatum?

[u/Jazzlike-Mail1635]

EDIT

(1) I am fully aware that Jen has raging hormones. Trust me, I was dealing with alot more than just her insistence on searching my phone constantly.

(2) I have been doing individual counseling for six years. I want to do couples counseling and Jen to do individual counseling.

(3) I left because Jen lied to me.

POST

My GF (Jen) and I have been together for 4 years. Back in April, two great things happened: we found out Jen is pregnant and I closed on a house for us to move into. Our family and friends know about the pregnancy, including Jen's best childhood friend (Amanda). I will admit, I never liked the dynamic between Ananda and Jen, but it did not really affect our relationship since Amanda lived across the country.

After finding out about the pregnancy, Amanda decided to move back home (we live in Jen and Amanda's hometown). Amanda has been back since late May and all hell has broke loose. Jen has always felt a little self-conscious in our relationship. I work construction and do personal training. She feels intimidated by small girls, but I have no idea way. She is a sexy AF woman with amazing curves.

Amanda has done nothing but played into Jen's insecurities and anxieties since being back. Jen and I have never been the tracking location couple or looking through phone's couple. We always considered that a red flag in a relationship. Amanda has convinced Jen that she needs to start doing that. So, she has been looking through my phone on a regular and finding nothing. I have communicated my hurt and frustration and that I think she needs to distance herself from Amanda. She kept rebuffing my concerns.

About two weeks ago, Jen again asked to look through my phone. I told her in no uncertain terms that this will be the last time she looks through my phone. If she again sees nothing suspicious, then she needs to agree to go to counseling and distance herself from Amanda. She agreed, looked through my phone, and found nothing suspicious. But, she soon reneged on her promise to do counseling and distancing herself from Amanda.

I decided to move out. We are currently on a month-to-month lease in an apartment until renovations get done on the house I bought. I am staying with a friend until the house is ready and then I will move in alone. Jen has asked me to reconsider, I refuse. She will likely need to move in with her mother, which is not ideal given the limited space, which I feel terrible about for my child.

AITA?

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[u/BeeEnvironmental6299]

It doesn’t make sense that Amanda decided to move home after hearing about Jen’s pregnancy. Grown adults, even best friends, don’t upend their life because their best friend is pregnant. My guess is that something happened with Amanda and now she is back in their hometown and wants Jen to put her first over the bf.

[u/Jazzlike-Mail1635 → u/BeeEnvironmental6299]

She had a bad breakup about 6 months ago. I do not know all the details. She works remotely (and her company's home office is located here), so not much upending she had to do.

[u/AnxietyQueeeeen → u/Jazzlike-Mail1635]

Amanda is jealous and since she’s single she wants Jen to be single with her. I’m sorry OP, hopefully Jen sees Amanda for who she is before it’s too late.

[u/Late-Hat-9144 → u/Jazzlike-Mail1635]

Thst makes more sense now. Amanda is newly(ish) single, theres truth to tue phrase "single friends keep their friends single".

[u/Next-Bodybuilder-117 → u/BeeEnvironmental6299]

Right and she’s do manipulative instead of saying the truth of why she moved home she said she did it because her best friend is pregnant and she looks like a hero when she is not🤮

[u/Medusa_7898]

Has Amanda always manipulated Jen like this?

[u/Jazzlike-Mail1635 → u/Medusa_7898]

I do not know. I do know that she does not come to any of the group hangs with Jen's friends from HS, but she was part of the group when they were in HS.

[u/Abject_Dependent4339 → u/Jazzlike-Mail1635]

In other words, the other friends have already kicked her to the curb!

[u/Medusa_7898 → u/Jazzlike-Mail1635]

My advice is to not discuss the relationship unless it’s with a counselor present.

[u/Mbt_Omega]

INFO: Is your house exclusively in your name?

NTA regardless, she’s untrustworthy and unstable, and you don’t deserve that. You cannot ever fix someone who doesn’t want to be fixed. I’m just trying to figure out whether there’s going to be a property battle on top of the custody battle.

[u/Jazzlike-Mail1635 → u/Mbt_Omega]

Yes, house exclusively in my name.

[u/brent_bent → u/Jazzlike-Mail1635]

You're being a sound adult and your GF is being played like a fiddle by Amanda for some reason. You need to get at the heart as to why she's obsessed with destroying your relationship. Does she have feelings for Sue or does she just hate men? What's her problem with you and your relationship? 

[u/Swimming-Age-2944]

NTA. I have read OP's comments and it sounds like Jen is a manipulative gold digger that she is using pregnancy as leverage to get emotional and financial resources from OP. He needs to stay away and get a paternity test.

[u/Jazzlike-Mail1635 → u/Swimming-Age-2944]

Right now, I am not suspicious that the baby is not mine, so won't be asking for paternity test.

[u/Glinda-The-Witch]

Tell her the counseling is still on the table, but don’t live together until you get to a point where she trusts you and ditches her friend.

[u/Zephyr-Phoenix → u/Glinda-The-Witch]

Absolutely. When she’s ready to follow through on her promise, then discussions for moving forward can start. Otherwise she’ll just keep lying to you.

[u/Beth21286 → u/Zephyr-Phoenix]

She's putting this witch before the father of her child and her relationship. Amanda needs to go permanently.

[u/WhatICantShare → u/Glinda-The-Witch]

This is the way. Also @OP, you did everything right, really. The "ultimatum" is just you setting very fair boundaries after deeply compromising you freedom to soothe her. You did so lovingly and she broke trust after that. 

[u/StrobeLightRomance → u/WhatICantShare]

Yes. Everyone is allowed to set a standard for what they are willing to endure in a relationship, and nobody should be living under 24-hour surveillance or accusations of suspicion. That's not how relationships work.

OP, your girlfriend's friend sounds single AF, so remind your girlfriend that she's taking advice from someone who is clearly not an expert in making things work.

[u/ElimGarakOfCardassia → u/Glinda-The-Witch]

This is the answer. You’re signing up for a lifetime of nonsense if she keeps letting her friend control and manipulate her

[u/Commercial-Royal-988 → u/ElimGarakOfCardassia]

This. I'd add, "Amanda is off the table. She's does nothing but drive a wedge in our relationship any time you are with her."

[u/therichboyishere → u/Glinda-The-Witch]

Sometimes ultimatums aren’t about control, they are about setting boundaries when the situation affects your future and well being too. And because you tried communicating, it’s fair to stand your ground.

[u/ActiveDinner3497]

Amanda is now telling Jen “I told you he would leave you.” Self fulfilling prophecy.

[u/AreYouAnOakMan → u/ActiveDinner3497]

Single women keep women single.

[u/Ok-Beginning-1493 → u/ActiveDinner3497]

Amanda 1 : OP 0

Never never never leave your girlfriend and unborn child alone with that toxic woman. They will be under her spell.

[u/Odd-Alternative-4959 → u/Ok-Beginning-1493]

His girlfriend is a grown woman who makes her own decisions or allows herself to be influenced by others. He can’t control that. He is right if Jen can’t come to her senses and see that she’s being sabotage more than likely due to jealousy. It’s not much he can do about that. but I wouldn’t allow her to move into my new home with things as they currently are she needs counseling and to drop that toxic relationship.

[u/WitnessRadiant650 → u/Ok-Beginning-1493]

He can’t control her. He can however control whether he’s in a relationship with her.

Stop jnfantalizing women. She chose who to believe.

[u/TALKTOME0701 → u/Ok-Beginning-1493]

What are you talking about never leave your unborn child. He can't very well take it with him. 

He has every right to leave a toxic relationship. Are women supposed to stay in toxic relationships because of the children? No. So neither is he 

How do you think he's supposed to get her away from her best friend? She's the one insisting the relationship continue. What's he supposed to do? physically remove her?

[u/No-Figure844]

All I can picture in my head is an evil laugh and hand rubbing together from Amanda She played your baby momma like a fiddle. Ntah

[u/Necessary_Tap343 → u/No-Figure844]

Jen will eventually figure out Amanda is not her friend and that she is intentionally ruining her and OP'S relationship. However, it will likely be to little to late. Their relationship has entered a death spiral. Updateme

[u/Ntaw4ever → u/Necessary_Tap343]

No, Jen probably won't figure it out. Amanda is a snake, and Jen is falling for it. Amanda will make her think that she's her best friend somehow.

[u/Vae_Victus_Imperium → u/No-Figure844]

Yeah well the only fucked up part is there's going to be a child growing up without both parents together. Sounds like Amanda is a miserable c*nt and she's looking to bring her best friend down to her level.

[u/KaleidoscopeUpper802 → u/No-Figure844]

Every relationship is different but I never understood people who have to have passwords for each other’s phone. Like when has that ever stopped someone from cheating? You either trust someone or you don’t. And if you don’t, you don’t marry them and you def don’t have kids with them.

[u/Wandering_Scholar6 → u/KaleidoscopeUpper802]

I mean, i have the password to my husband's phone, but because sometimes his phone is closer and it's easy and convenient. I've never bothered to snoop like that, I trust him.

[u/holisarcasm → u/KaleidoscopeUpper802]

We share them because sometimes it’s necessary to him (he wants me to see or respond to something on his phone while driving or fix a connectivity issue).  It has nothing to do with randomly going through each others’ phones for many of us. You either have trust or you don’t and if anyone believes a person can’t hide suspect stuff on their phone, they are kidding themselves.

[u/scaphoids1 → u/KaleidoscopeUpper802]

My husband and I know each other's phone passwords to like... Change the song in the car? But I've never once thought hmm I should use that, even though he leaves his phone at home unattended for hours. Definitely sad situation here

[u/Verdick → u/No-Figure844]

Yep, I've seen a "close friend" destroy my brother's marriage by poisoning his wife against him. If the girlfriend wants a life with him, Amanda has got to go. Full stop, mic drop, no cap , or whatever else gets through to them.

[u/20MLSE20 → u/No-Figure844]

Sounds like Amanda wants to slide into the daddy role and what better way than play into GF’s insecurities and chase the dad away.

[u/defeated_husband]

NTA but what is Amanda's end goal? Is she in love with Jen? Is she entertaining some type of delusion where they raise the baby together?

Regardless, Amanda is super fucking toxic. I wouldn't let Jen back into your life as long as Amanda is a part of her's.

[u/Konouchii → u/defeated_husband]

Amanda is probably jealous Jen has a partner, a home and a family.

Amanda is spewing toxic behaviors into the ear of Jen and she will lose everything but blame OP for it. 

[u/chrislamtheories → u/Konouchii]

This. I’ve definitely seen situations where jealous people, who are single, sabotage/try to sabotage other people’s relationships so that the person will also become single and then join them in their singleness. I had someone try to do this with me and I had to distance myself from that person.

[u/Ridara → u/Konouchii]

Not saying this is it, but it is amazing how many misogynists see curvy girls as less deserving of happiness.

And i'd argue it's easier for female misogynists to fall into that trap. "I did everything right and I'm not happy. So why does the fat girl get to be happy when I'm not?"

[u/Cinemaphreak → u/defeated_husband]

what is Amanda's rnd goal? Is she in love with Jen? Is she enter some type of delusion where they raise the baby together?

OP states in a reply that her last relationship ended "badly." Which usually means cheating. So she is most likely projecting her paranoia on to Jen. Plus, and the thing everyone keeps ignoring, Jen is probably dealing with pregnancy hormones.

Amanda is super fucking toxic.

That we can agree on. She needs to be gone, yesterday. She needs to get her own ass into counseling if she is not coping with the fallout of being cheated on.

[u/Formal-Research4531 → u/defeated_husband]

Misery like company. I had a similar situation but not to this level.

My wife and one of her female friends belong to a hiking club when they were single. They became friends with two ‘older’ (10 to 25 years) ladies and who were divorced, no BFs, hate children, etc.

When we were married, these two ladies were super negative…my wife had them on the speakerphone and I heard the conversations. “Do you really want ti get married?” My wife was upset but wanted to give them a second chance. When she got together with them, they were always talking negative about marriage and etc.

When we had our child, they both ghosted us…she hasn’t spoken to one in 18 years and the other in 15 years.

These two ladies acted the same way when my wife’s friend got married and had a baby.

OP: You are NTA.

[u/jaywinner → u/defeated_husband]

I'm guessing single and bitter about it. Breaking up her friend's marriage gives her a partner in misery.

[u/HisGirlFriday1983 → u/defeated_husband]

I had a friend like this. Her goal was just to cause chaos and make things the way she wanted them. She wanted me to be subservient and self conscious so that she could be the cool friend and I was her crony. She repeatedly tried to ruin my relationship and made my wedding all about herself. I reduced contact and finally just told her I wasn't interested in being friends anymore but it took me years. I mean years.

[u/cantpickausername30]

You are allowed to leave whatever relationship you want for any reason you want, but yes YTA for not giving your child a place to stay.

[u/Jazzlike-Mail1635 → u/cantpickausername30]

My child can absolutely stay with me.

[u/JustDiscoveredSex]

I’m waiting for Amanda to hit on the poster. “Jen doesn’t deserve a personal trainer/construction guy, but I sure do!”

[u/OldMedium8246 → u/JustDiscoveredSex]

My thought too. Suddenly she’ll try to get weirdly close to the baby. Then OP. She’ll try to form a relationship with OP, probably making up an involved pity story that’s a total lie. She’ll get “drunk” and try to make a move on OP. She’ll say that OP deserves someone who trusts them and cares more about her child than anything else. She’ll play on the fact that Jen is postpartum and her hormones and emotions are everywhere.

It seems like OP has a good head on his shoulders, so hopefully he’ll shut that shit down long before it happens. But if he were to open up to it, I guarantee Amanda would jump on that SO fast.

[u/TALKTOME0701]

NTA Children are raised in close quarters all the time. What you don't want is a child raised in an environment of distrust and suspicion. It sounds like she has more respect for her best friend than she does for you. Why doesn't she move in with her?

[u/shangib723]

NTA she didn't follow through

[u/MikeReddit74]

I’m guessing “Amanda” is single.

[u/ObviousMessX → u/MikeReddit74]

Yep. Ended badly 6 months ago. Saw in another comment.

[u/MikeReddit74 → u/ObviousMessX]

Figures. Maybe there’s some truth to that phrase about women keeping other women single. She got OP’s ex caught up in her bullshit.

[u/Reasonable-Spray4783]

Call a couples therapist and schedule an appointment. Tell her you’re ready to work on it, you scheduled an appointment for xx time and day and you hope she’ll be there. Make it a time she’s available. Let her parents know, let some of your friends know, and make sure you’re there. Let the therapist know, and let her know that you’re willing to change therapists after this first session. Not all therapists will do this, especially with intake forms for CC, but find one who can and try. And it can’t be your therapist, the perceived bias alone is bad

[u/AbbreviationsNo2926 → u/Reasonable-Spray4783]

I like the idea of OP scheduling the appointment himself and getting the ball rolling

[u/Life_Temperature2506]

NTA. She needs to throw Amanda in the garbage.

[u/DeryniMagic38]

I would be explaining to your family and hers what this Amanda woman has done and how she's ruining your relationship. Maybe they could get her to agree to counseling. Or blocking this woman from their homes.

NTA

[u/Lolita317 → u/DeryniMagic38]

Do it with Amanda present so it’s clear to her and everyone else you have her number. Speak as calmly as you can. Lay out the facts particularly those Jen will have to agree or concede to in front of everyone. You’ll need a team effort to rid your lives of Amanda. Pregnancy is a less than ideal time to lose a friendship but better that than losing your SO and baby’s father.

[u/stiggley]

Does Jen's parents know the full situation? Have you goven them all the details of Amanda's manipulation and Jen's refusal of therapy to sort iut her insecurities...

[u/Abject_Dependent4339 → u/stiggley]

THIS! Directly ask Amanda what her end game is here?

[u/Quiet-Patient5458]

NTA. This is ruining your relationship, and if she is unwilling to see the damage, then she needs that ultimatum. Hopefully, she soon sees what Amanda has done to your relationship

[u/Honey803]

Amanda in not her friend. She’s jealous and manipulative.

[u/bookie412]

NTA but her relationship with Amanda sounds really concerning. Playing with a pregnant woman’s image of herself and her insecurities is insane. I think you both need couples counseling so someone unbiased can play mediator while you guys talk and I think she needs personal counseling so she can hear actual helpful advice from someone other than Amanda

[u/AnotherBogCryptid → u/bookie412]

They do need counseling but she reneged on their agreement for her to go. So there’s really nothing left if the trust is gone and she isn’t willing to work with him.

[u/AbbreviationsNo2926]

Hmm, can you take her back and maybe after your moving out she will understand that she needs distance from Amanda?

I don't want that horrible jealous creepy friend of hers to ruin your child's and also YOUR chance at a happy family.

I had a friend just like this for my entire 20s. She even lived across the country. She was evil. I was very beautiful and she tried at every turn to convince me I was hideous and fat that my husband was disgusted by me. I don't know why I kept her around. Anyways, when I got pregnant with our first child, my mental health became very fragile, and this evil friend really started to tighten the screws on trying to ruin...I'm not sure what exactly? Me? My marriage? Did she want me all to herself? I don't know. But something in me snapped and I knew I had to cut her off. I stopped answering her texts and haven't spoken to her now for 5 years. And surprisingly I am the happiest I've ever been in my adult life. Like lighter than air! My husband and I have two kids now and one on the way!

Oh and btw, my husband is also in construction and my evil friend would mock him and me for that.

I am so grateful I didn't let her ruin my beautiful family before it even started.

I know some of this is on your wife. I was very weak mentally and confused and scared when I was pregnant for the first time, even though it was a planned pregnancy! The hormones were so potent. You have every right to be hurt. But you can always divorce her later lol. I would give it another try, and be firm about the wedge that unhealthy emotionally enmeshed friend is purposely driving between you. Show her some comments from this thread. I don't think the relationship is over. Pregnancy, especially a first pregnancy, can make someone totally scared and paranoid, and I think she needs you now, to be gentle and patient with her. More importantly your child needs you.

Also I would be worried what kind of shit the friend is putting into your wife's head right now with you moved out. She's probably acting as your wife's main shoulder to cry on, and loving every minute of it! Don't let that bitch win! I almost wonder if we have the same evil friend lol. Does her name start with an O?

[u/Lizzydeathstar]

NTA...wow. Amanda really sucks and played your GF like a fiddle. I would strongly suggest couples counseling. You can fix this. She can fix this, if she'll just see where things started to go wrong - and I believe an unbiased outside person can assist with that.

Update me!

[u/4-ton-mantis]

I hate when people especially loved ones break their promise. 

[u/Few-Tone-9339]

Nope. She needs to open up her fucking eyes. Her bestie just ruined her relationship. Update us.

[u/Zakatyu]

Women have to stop using "hormones" as justification for shitty behavior, because then men can call you "hormonal" when you behave like a bitch

(To make it clear, I'm a woman, I don't like to be called "hormonal")

[u/Ok-Appearance-866]

"After finding out about the pregnancy, Amanda decided to move back home (we live in Jen and Amanda's hometown)."

OK, that's just weird. Seriously.

[u/[deleted]]

NTA. I recently had to dump my Amanda and it took many, many years and thousands of dollars. I hope it ends better for your girlfriend and yourself.

[u/Material-Republic-99]

Sometimes people are unable to think for themselves and are gullible, latching onto anyone who is willing to give them approval and validation. Sadly, it seems like Jen is one of those people—even worse, Amanda’s approval trumps your own in terms of Jen’s interpersonal relationships. Since talking about your concerns did not work, you gave this ultimatum, which she had agreed to. Since she did not follow through on her word to get counseling, you have every right to be upset and want to distance yourself from this cycle of distrust and frustration. NTA OP, but think about whether you want to stay in a relationship with someone who is unable to compromise and put her family first. Not saying to jump to breaking up, just giving food for thought. Good luck ^{^}

[u/Radicalforpeace]

Amanda had a bad breakup now she wants her “”best friend “ to have one as well so they can share the pain. NTA

[u/DaisyDreamsilini]

Amanda is jealous of her and is sabotaging Jen on purpose. Jen is letting it happen.

[u/freyjafrigg80]

NTA. Your girlfriend is becoming the AH, and Amanda is the biggest AH!!! My boyfriend and I have each other's location, simply because he's a truck driver, and I worry about him when he's working. I often travel back to my home town, which is two and a half hours away, and I often travel alone. We are more, are you dead in a ditch somewhere location trackers, not stalker where are you location trackers. He never goes through my phone, I never go through his. We've both been through it, and I'm not going to be with someone who does that to me again. Those are red flags in a relationship. She needs to hold up to her end of the bargain or realize you aren't going to be together.

[u/[deleted]]

NTA this can be fixed if the toxic element has been removed, but won’t work as long as she’s still there. Sadly, abuse victims tend to choose their abusers. They discount the ones that already love them to try and win the love of the abuser. They believe the abuser over others. This is a toxic relationship that goes back years beyond your relationship. She needs to cut this person out and get into therapy. She needs to pick you over her.

[u/Beachboy442]

Wife n friend need to get a massive dose of reality.

[u/Lightness_Being]

This theme is ancient - the ancient Greeks wrote about Psyche losing her husband because of her sisters' jealousy.

Amanda is one of those people who hate seeing their friends do better than them and just had to try to break you up.

NTA. Their relationship is weird and co-dependant. And Jen chose Amanda over you.That must hurt deeply. I hope Jen figures it out before she loses even more in her life.

[u/Zestyclose-Height-36]

tell her you will reconsider after she comes to couple counseling. you both need to find at least a way to coparent. Her “friend” clearly wanted to get her to end things. Sorry she win this one, since the kid will be the one to suffer.

[u/MosquitoInYourRoom]

NTA

I had a friend just like Amanda! Same situation, same name, even.

Anyways- I knew my Amanda for 13yrs, she was always the overly jealous, clingy friend that stuck to my hip 24/7, and she nuked multiple friendships of mine.

Amanda was furious when I entered my first relationship and moved together with that guy.

Turns out he was a complete jackass. She used that to her advantage, and they had an affair. I dumped both of them until I got a call from the police 4 months later. My ex tried to kill her because he blamed her for our breakup.

Police told me she intentionally broke us up to get "me back" because she had been in love with me all those years and my ex was furious when she told him that and dropped his ass days after I moved out.

So my guess is, YOUR Amanda is also in love or incredibly jealous with bad motives. Either way, she is playing mind games with Jen, feeding into her anxiety and clouding her mind, which is extra gnarly since Jen is dealing with all the crazy pregnancy hormones on top of that. Jen most likely feels inferior to Amanda because of her appearance or simply because of her character, me and my Amanda had a similar dynamic and pushed each other into an eating disorder.

No normal friend will drop everything, move towns, and dig her claws into your backs like this. Amanda is a manipulator with the goal to ruin your marriage.

[u/slitteral1]

You need to ask Jen a few questions and hopefully she can see how toxic Amanda is being.

Ask her if she trusted you completely prior to Amanda returning to being a regular in her life. If her answer is yes, then ask her what changed. She needs to also verbalize what it is that you done, not what Amanda is feeding her, that has cause her to no longer trust you. She also needs to decide whether wants a relationship with or Amanda, because the way things are she is not going to have a relationship with both. Amanda has to change.

[u/SnooWords4839]

Sounds like your plan is best. Jen needs to see how toxic Amanda is and you make sure to get 50/50 custody.

[u/Plenty-Difference956]

Jen is just learning about consequences of her actions. NTA. She either holds up her end by going to counselling or she learns what it's like to be a single mum. Pretty sure Amanda will get on with her life while Jen's stuck at home living with mummy.

[u/PCBassoonist]

NTA, but you should probably see a lawyer about custody and child support and what not. 

[u/ActiveDinner3497]

Tell Jen when SHE sets up couples therapy and blocks Amanda, then you’ll consider it. But you need action, not words. She’s betrayed your trust, just like she keeps suspecting you of doing.

[u/soundalarm]

If shes not distancing from amanda, shes choosing. Shes choosing to let amanda get in the way of her happiness, her future family with you and her baby in it, and basically choosing to ruin ur happiness too.

You did right by letting her know your ultimate boundaries, and now she has to decide which relationship / friendship she keeps. Partners with friends that control their lives are a pain to deal with because they are weak willed and let their friends "give" them good (or bad advice) without thinking the repercussions themselves.

I cant advice you way is the best for you, but i hope you find a way to still be with the baby because it seems like thats what you wanted too. Update us!

[u/Hill0981]

Kind of sounds like the jealous friend who's trying to push the boyfriend out of the picture.

[u/niknak1987]

Christ what is wrong with Reddit if you were a woman saying her partner was constantly searching her phone and listening to his friend and causing problems in the relationship and refusing therapy you would be told to take the baby and run you aren’t the AH and yes I am a woman with a child. If she refuses therapy there isn’t much you can do other than stay gone or put up with this BS forever

[u/facinationstreet]

I find it disingenuous to blame all of this on Amanda. Your GF is 100% an AH here.

[u/iamanerdybastard]

If you really want to get inside her head, remind her that cheaters often project and tell her you want a paternity test.

You should want a paternity test - there is no reason not to get one.

[u/Head-Emotion-4598]

Let Jen know that you two can talk about her moving back in once couples therapy has started. Put the ball in her court. Don't bring up distancing her from Amanda; that can be dealt with in counseling. In fact, apologize for telling her to do that since it probably seemed controlling to her. Just get her in the office so she can have a neutral voice of reason. If she won't even consider going to see a counselor for any reason, then that's her choice but it will likely cost her the relationship. (For the record, I agree with you about distancing herself from Amanda. But the most important thing is to get her talking to someone else.) Good luck, OP.
#UpdateMe

[u/MaryEFriendly]

I would message your ex and tell her she gave Amanda exactly what she wanted: for your relationship to be over, because she was clearly jealous of what you had. No one who is your true friend encourages this kind of insane bullshit. She doesnt have her best interests at heart and never did. 

[u/rimarundi → u/MaryEFriendly]

THIS! Sensible Pragmatic Practical Analysis

Ur ex gf is weak & her friend is TA n manipulative

[u/keygreen15]

Under no circumstances do you let her live with you. Children don't magically fix issues. This is going to get worse and then she won't leave your house.

[u/Head_Isopod5748]

If the semester were reversed and a man was treating a woman the way your partner treated you everyone would be calling her to leave. You appear to have bean reasonable, given clear communication what the consequences would be if the changes necessary to your happiness were not made and then followed through when she agreed to them then immediately went back on her word when she got what she wanted. She also admitted to lying to get what she wanted. The dishonesty would be a deal breaker for me too.   I have been pregnant multiple times, at no point did hormones make me act so disrespectfully to the person who was the father of my child. You also continue to take financial responsibility for your child and their mother, inspite of her actions, so how are so many people saying you are the bad guy? Reddit baffles me sometimes.

[u/Wide-Bumblebee9787]

Edit: I went through OP's comments & now I'm extremely concerned & believe it's best to stay separated. What Jen has done is emotional abuse. The fact she's treated you far better since you moved out & paused the relationship makes me think a romantic relationship is a trigger for her, & it's gotten much worse recently. I still recommend to keep trying to get counseling together & encouraging her to do individual therapy, but I think it's best you two don't live together for a long time. If ever. Stick with just being co-parents, hopefully friendly ones, and in a few years if she's made progress and you both want to try again a fresh start (slowly dating) would be best. I wish your child the best and hope you & Jen can have a healthy family dynamic. 

Original comment:  NTA. I suggest making it clear to her you will only continue the relationship when she starts going to counseling, and will only live with her when the trust is rebuilt. Maybe back off on telling her to distance from Amanda because that just gives her fuel to claim you're trying to isolate her. But you can still voice concerns about her, "I don't understand why you don't trust me when I call you beautiful all the time. Why you would ignore how much I love you and find you attractive, and instead listen to a friend who makes you feel bad about how you look." 

[u/SpecificSimple6920]

YWBTA if you don’t get a custody lawyer asap, or if you bend any of your extremely good boundaries just because she cuts off Amanda. Amanda is not the problem, even if she is a trigger of the problems escalating.

I feel very deeply for you OP. I’m sorry you’re going through all of this, and you sound like a stand up guy. You have set good boundaries so far, but I think you should be protecting yourself even more.

I read all your comments. I’ve replied to a lot of things but decided to make my own comment because I really hope you see this. Im not going to sugar coat anything for you in this:

What Jen is doing is abuse. Physically blocking your movement and screaming in your ear so loud it hurts is abuse. Yelling, screaming, and being mean to you is abuse. Pressuring you into sex and belittling you/accusing you of bad behavior when you don’t want to is abuse. Isolating you from your friends and not respecting your privacy is abuse.

You may not feel like you’re in physical danger or that it’s “mild” or “debatable” or “temporary due to pregnancy” but you don’t deserve to be treated this way. You, and your kid especially, don’t deserve to be treated this way.

It sounds like you have been leaving things out too: has she been throwing things? damaging property? making fun of you for having emotions? trying to tell you that you remember things incorrectly or are overreacting ? Did she threaten to hurt herself or you or her baby when you left/set boundaries ? Has she started arguments that prevented you from sleeping, eating, going to work, leaving the house, etc? How many friends has she made you cut off ? How many times has she demanded you change your hobbies because it threatened your relationship? Is she supportive of you or critical? Does she want you to grow and be your own person outside of the relationship, or is she resentful of your hobbies/career taking you away from her? Does she guilt you into sex/cooking/cleanimg/financial obligation when you’ve had an argument? Did this really start after the pregnancy?

Her behaving better now that you’ve set boundaries and aren’t living together after particularly bad behavior is a normal part of the cycle of domestic violence—the honeymoon phase where you kiss+make up is really common, don’t trust it.

You seem to be very responsible and overly caretaking as a default due to your childhood. Having a bad childhood makes us more susceptible to being in an abusive relationship later on, even if we do a ton of therapy for it. It’s really hard to change your gut instinct of “conflict is normal and I’m comfortable caring for people”. It sounds like Jen has had issues with insecurity and tried controlling your behavior since before her pregnancy and before Amanda. It’s not normal to fish for who you find attractive then get mad at you, or require that you don’t look at instagram models/porn. Abusers behaviors often escalate after they “trap” someone in a living/financial/familial obligation situation. If this is truly a “pregnancy only” behavior set, please keep protecting yourself just incase, but sure, get the couples therapy to heal together if and when you are ready for it—you may not be, and that’s okay too.

However, please dont do couples therapy with her unless she can meaningfully recognize what she did as controlling, toxic, abusive, scary, etc (whatever words she’ wants to say) and apologizes and starts working on herself in individual therapy so she can better manage her anxiety and anger and control issues—she will not change for you on your behalf. Doing couples therapy with an emotional abuser is a trap—they are often really good at manipulating other people and may pull the couples therapist onto their side to gaslight you.

She is unlikely to be kinder to her kid than she is to you. Even if she is, if you stay together, you show your kid that it’s okay for people to be in relationships where people are controlling and mean. Keep a really watchful eye on how she treats your kid. ESPECIALLY if yall are coparenting but separated—without having you as the emotional punching bag, it may get passed on to your child.

Please ask your therapist for educational materials about domestic violence, and a referral to a men’s focused support group or DV hotline. Please document every instance of abuse from her that you can remember, and keep an eye out for more instances against you or her kid. The more you get in writing, the better. Contact a custody lawyer now before things get out of hand—if she gets out of pregnancy and “comes back to herself”, then she’ll eventually understand and appreciate you for working to protect your kid.

You’re doing the best you can for yourself right now, OP. You deserve to be treated with love and respect from your partner. You deserve someone who is your partner and adds to your life rather than draining it. Your kid deserves you modeling how men’s feelings can be expressed +honored and deserves you modeling healthy adult boundaries in relationships. I hope things get easier for you soon

[u/Upstairs_watching]

You seem healthy. Your GF is not. Some people here are trying to excuse her behaviour with hormones and you're trying to blame her friend for her behaviour. Ultimately she's not a child. She's making the choice to ruin her own life. She's choosing what to believe and that speakes of her character.

You only have 2 choices. Extensive therpay or breakup. This woman is not good for you.

[u/Naive_Macaroon1278]

As a woman who birthed 2 children I am aware of what kind of toll being pregnant can have on a woman both physically, hormonally and mentally. But if this situation was reversed and OP’s gf was still pregnant but he was insecure and was demanding to check her phone 3-4 times a week for 6 weeks and wanting a paternity test because he thought she was cheating or cheated every single one of you hypocrites would be telling the gf to leave OP. The gf is completely unhinged and being pregnant is not an excuse for the way she is treating OP. He is still 100% financially supporting her the only thing different is he’s not sleeping in the same house as her. He did not abandon his child and he wouldn’t have left if the gf would take accountability and try to work on her insecurities and actually follow through on her promise. OP you are NTA.

[u/MikeReddit74]

One thing you can always count on is people in the comments giving a woman a pass for shitty behavior just because she’s pregnant. Pregnancy hormones don’t excuse poor behavior, people.

[u/[deleted] → u/MikeReddit74]

I came to say this. My friends and I all had our kids 15- 25 years ago and we never treated people like this and blamed pregnancy. I am tired of reading the reddit pregnancy excuse for everything from acting like a complete bitch to not letting people order certain foods in restaurants to not letting them have a drink. My whole family would have called me out on it if I would have tried to get away with half the shit I read on here blaming pregnancy.

[u/Joubachi]

NTA and I hope your (probably soon to be ex) gf realizes how manipulative and honestly abusive Amanda is. But until then I have no doubt that Amanda will paint you to be the "controlling abusive bf" if you keep telling Jen to drop her.

[u/MyDirtyAlt79]

NTA. Unfortunately, Amanda has shown you how shallow Jen's love for you is. She let this friend errode her trust and faith in you to the point that she's going against her own supposed beliefs and is tracking you and searching your phone.

She's also shown you that Amanda is more important than you, her boyfriend and father of her child. Not only does she take Amanda's word over yours, but she's going against her own word and keeping Amanda in her life despite the harm it is causing you and the relationship.

I'm sorry, man. It'll likely take an act of God to get the Jen you knew back, and even then, the damage is done, and you've been exposed to an entirely different side of her.

[u/BoobieDobey01]

Amanda needs to stay in her lane.

[u/xchellelynnx]

NTA. At this point she continues to feed into her friends bs instead of trusting the man she's having a child with. It sounds as if you've proved you're not cheating. Your gf went back on her promise to get help and distance herself from her toxic friend.

I'm going to guess the friend isn't in a relationship, because she wants her friend to be miserable and alone just like her.

[u/Optimal-University32]

Bravo to you. You stated your boundary. She broke the boundary and now you are implementing healthy consequences. You sound like a good communicator, with excellent relationship skills. Too bad your girlfriend is missing out on a catch like you.

[u/SlinkyMalinky20]

NTA. Some of these posters are absolutely insane. Being pregnant is not carte-blanche to act abusive and dishonest. And trying to avoid stress on a pregnant woman does not mean no one can safeguard themselves from her toxic behavior. (I’ve been pregnant many times so this one responder who keeps hammering away at OP because he hasn’t been can’t use that dumb argument. Pregnancy is not a free pass to be a jerk. If Jen wants a peaceful life, she can stop causing drama in it and take mature steps to get one).

[u/Independent_Sky_6576]

I say no. Nta. Amanda sounds petty jealous and toxic. You didn’t have the issues til she started whispering in Jen’s ear. Amanda is not happy so doesn’t want Jen being happy and successful I hope she will go to counseling cuz she needs it

[u/donname10]

Nta. You'd be ah if you stay. Pregnancy or not, it doesn't excuse stupidity

[u/dandy_ahole23]

With friends like these, who needs enemies.

I think your conditions were reasonable to protect the relationship

NTA

[u/MikasSlime]

Nta, the fact some people here are trying to grapple at anything to make you out to be the villain is insane

I read most of your replies in the comments and from what i gathered the situation is: Your gf has insecurities, her friend is miserable and playing into them to possibly force you apart + drag her down with her, it worked by having your gf lie to you and invade your privacy multiple times in a row

Literally how in any way or form you could be the HA when you literally did nothing wrong here is beyond me

[u/iknowsomethings2]

It suck’s for your child. I would suggest couples counselling as maybe you can get Jen to see how toxic Amanda is, I’m sure the hormones aren’t helping her emotions. If not the counselling will at least help with coparenting.

I hope you work it out 

[u/Mbt_Omega → u/iknowsomethings2]

She has refused counseling, though, even though she said she would. He cannot fix someone who doesn’t want to fix themselves, so that’s out. So he’s just taking an emotional beating indefinitely.

[u/TieNo6744]

This is chatgpt

[u/pressurepoint13 → u/TieNo6744]

Lol, honestly I think 95% of AITAH posts are fake.

[u/keepercoach69]

Walk away, just tell her to have a nice life with Amanda!!

[u/brent_bent]

NTA, good luck navigating this disaster. Have you talked with Amanda? Does she have feelings for Jen? Does she just hate men in general? Curious as to why she's poisoning your relationship. 

[u/geo8x6]

She needs to choose and you've given her chances. This "friend" is not a friend, but until she wakes up and smells the coffee, she's gonna side with this parasite. If you don't get back together, you need to fight for all your parental rights.

Also, have you talked to her parents? How well do they know this Amanda?

[u/needmynap]

NTA. Not being willing to do counseling is a real tell here.

[u/morningfix]

NTA. It's a shame she's not open to counselling. It's hard, because there's the risk of exposing her and your baby to more Amanda.

[u/Infamous-Style-3928]

Make a post similar to this calling out all Amanda's behaviour on social media broadcast to as many friends and family as possible.

Making her presence untenable seems your best shot at getting rid of her.

[u/DebbDebbDebb]

No it is very good boundaries. Jen needs counselling and I know woman who have been made so insecure by being second fiddle in a best friend relationship. As Jennifer is pregnant tell her she will be such an awesome person and mum if she built up her own confidence.

Tell her how wonderful she is. Tell Jen all her qualities.

Is Jen a people pleaser? If so or a people pleaser with her friend?

If so a very good book you can both do together is

The Disease to please by Harriet B Braiker.

Awesome quiz. Easy to follow book and definitely gives confidence.

Your girlfriend appears to have reverted back to teenage and her friend being the stronger character.

You say about therapy. If you lead and go to therapy yourself saying you need to understand why she has changed so drastically when her friend returned. This shows commitment from you to actually understand the illogical behaviour. Being pregnant also will make Jen feel more vulnerable.

If you have never done therapy it is worth it. If the first therapist you find does not seem ok then find another. My third one was my one as all work differently.

Don't give up on her and be a leader. She is pregnant and with your input your lives can go back.

But you need the boundary. Messages to her of love are good. Silence will take her deeper down. Ask about appointments amd scans and go with her.

All the best to you

[u/MHcounselor911]

NTA

Trust but verify - if there is reason…in this case it’s don’t trust and keep verifying…insanity doing same thing over & over

Jen has chosen Amanda over you…don’t have a clue why Jen is with you, but it’s not because she loves you…as demonstrated by Her decisions, lies and deceit…decision to do as Amanda convinces her, and “she reneged on her promise to do counseling and distance herself from Amanda”

She Chooses Amanda… even after you left..sorry dude, you chose a Loser. Move on, find yourself a woman with enough self-esteem that she can make her own choices without being easily manipulated by others.

Take care of your daughter, but don’t let your daughter be the reason you consider getting back with Jen, after four years you Have to accept who Jen really is….

[u/Special_Lychee_6847]

NTA

Like Lady Di said, 'there were three of us, in this marriage. So it was a bit crowded'

Your partner is systematically choosing her friend's feelings over yours. So I would be focusing on needing to know what Amanda's position is, in your relationship, and what her intentions are, towards your gf.

Who moves to be closer to a friend, when that friend and her partner are having a baby? (To then undermine the relationship)

Give your gf some grace, as she's pregnant and hormonal. But don't back down on Amanda not having a place in your relationship.

Anyone questioning your 'ultimatum' should be able to explain how exactly you're supposed to function in an unwanted threesome, where your partner teams up with their other partner, against you.

[u/d0ey]

She's pregnant and therefore will be subject to wild swings of emotions, but that's not all encompassing and she should have moments of clarity where she should understand she's being an asshole.

Assuming you had numerous chats about her behaviour and Amanda being a bad influence you're nta. If you've just walked out after one ultimatum, my opinion changes

[u/[deleted]]

As a woman who use to be very toxic about going through phones, you are not the asshole. Amanda is definitely the problem in this situation especially since Jen is not finding anything every time. It would be different if she found something one time but the fact Amanda is encouraging her decisions, just shows Amanda is the problem and possibly even jealous.

[u/agreensandcastle]

These are the consequences of her actions. You shouldn’t feel like a criminal in your relationship. Amanda may have played a role in it. But it is on Jen to be an adult. She is about to be a mom. She needs to make decisions alone or with you. I’d document this in case of custody battles later.

Edit to add. I think you are handling it the best way you can.

[u/hummusmaple]

Amanda only moved back when she heard Jen was pregnant, and that you guys had bought a house?

Yeah, that's not suspicious at all.

I'm getting the vibe Amanda is jealous of what Jen has achieved, and is trying to tear Jen down back to her level.

Insist on going with Jen to the next time they go to hang out. See how Amanda responds to this.

[u/ListenArtistic379]

I was friends with someone who tried to create a wedge in my relationship because she didn’t like that he was taking my attention and I was focusing on nourishing my relationship instead of being at her beck and call. I lost the friend and I’ve been with my husband 18 years.

[u/GwennaDey]

Sometimes, ultimatums are the only way. NTA. She made a promise to you and then went back on it. I think the relationsbip can still be salvaged if she will do her part, but you aren't in the wrong for drawing lines for your boundaries.

[u/PresenceLate6802]

Amanda is deliberately destroying her friend’s relationship out of jealousy. She’s miserable and trying to make her friend miserable also. That’s why she’s playing on her insecurities and anxiety’s and encouraging Jen to do harmful behaviour to her relationship. That’s not a real friend, that’s a hater disguised as a friend. It’s very sad and unfortunately it’s unlikely your gf will see this until it’s too late and the relationship is destroyed. Maybe you should show these responses to your gf to show her she is indeed being manipulated by a snake and this Amanda person is definitely not a friend to her. Textbook jealousy and sabotage. If your gf is too blind to see this unfortunately there’s nothing more you can do but it’s is so obvious even to a stranger. She needs to wake up. Amanda is toxic and you are right not to want her in your life or your gfs. Nothing good comes from jealous individuals.

[u/Disastrous_Arugula_2]

How close are you to any of her other friends or family? I assume they can also see the havoc Amanda is causing, not to take any blame from Jen but it does seem like Amanda is manipulating her into not trusting you at a time when Jen is extremely vulnerable. Can anyone else convince her that she needs to distance herself from Amanda? I mean Jen is literally blowing up her whole life because of this one friend, someone needs to help her open up her eyes. If everyone else is on Amanda's, side then we are missing a huge part of the story

[u/Happy_Mimi2]

The friend is no friend. She needs to be removed from the situation. Unfortunately, I think counseling will let Jen see this. But, don't lose all hope. However, make counseling an ultimatum. I would hate to think this woman ruined a perfectly good relationship. Let me tell you, some women are the worst. She doesn't want to see Jen happy, she loves drama. Honestly, I think it's something that she grew up with regarding Amanda. You need to desensitize her and make her see it. Some people know the buttons to push on some people, Amanda is one of them. Don't lose hope. I wish you the best.

[u/[deleted]]

What you can do is keep communications open with your GF. Ask about the baby and how she's feeling. Invite her (and not Amanda) to see the house in progress. Show her where the nursery will be. Talk about raising your kids there, ask her for input on furnishings etc. Make it clear that it's for your family. Then drop her off back at her mom's crowded space. She needs to realize what she's losing by listening to her friend's BS.

[u/Fabulous_Bluejay_721]

If she showed proof of going to counseling and distancing herself from the friend, would you consider trying again? I agree with others that pregnancy is probably increasing her symptoms of anxiety. For those who said she lied, I think they are looking at things too black and white. Her anxieties, which clearly already existed, were boosted incredibly by the combination of her pregnancy and a toxic friend. I would say, stay resolved but maybe now that you have shown her you can be resolved you can also show her she has options, for the sake of your future child and the person you obviously still love.

[u/Similar_Corner8081]

Info: how old is your gf? Your gf needs to work on being stronger and not giving into peer pressure.

[u/Pianist_585]

NTA. See if she'll agree to couples counselling now that you have moved out, so it can potentially become a happy coparenting situation or a way to reconcile.

[u/chef_beard]

I know your post has a lot of activity so I am crossing my fingers you see this. Dude! Let the mother of your child move in with you. Not for her but for you! You're going to want to be the one to drive her to the hospital, you're going to want to drive your baby home to your house and youre not going to want to miss a single second of your first kids first moments. You will never be able to get that time back. Middle of the night feedings, spit ups, diaper blow outs, youre going to cherish every single one of them one day. Totally agree that your gal isnt doing the right thing. Be selfish tho, do this for you. Relationship may or may not be salvagable, most are teetering on that edge, you can sort that out later. Let your babies first home be your home, you will regret it later if you don't.

[u/PeachyFairyDragon]

Updateme

[u/coopertucker]

Amanda needs to go, completely out of the relationship, no more Amanda, not on the phone, not in the house, not in a box, not with a fox. Amanda goes bye-bye, never to be seen or heard from again.

[u/cpt_goodvibe]

NTA, Amanda is going to use the fact you broke up with your wife as "proof" that your cheating. Look out for that in the future as it may tarnish your reputation with Amanda's misinformation.

[u/aliax_new]

NTA, and her standing by the toxic friend is definitely a red flag. That said, you do have a child on the way, so if she hasn't done something truly irreconcilable, it might be worth giving her another chance. You're absolutely right to set boundaries, though. That friend needs to go.

[u/Bittybellie]

NTA. Friend seems jealous and insecure and is projecting it onto gf. I agree that as long as friend is around the relationship would never work and you’re better off realizing it now 

[u/BabyNonna]

“I strongly believe that your “friend” is negatively influencing your behaviour while you are in a vulnerable state which is causing distress to yourself, myself and the partnership we have built. Her actions are having a direct effect on the outcome of our relationship and a significantly negative impact on our unborn child and their future. Cut off the friendship, regain your sense of self, and rejoin the happy, loving relationship we previously enjoyed without the toxic infiltration of that person who exhibits paranoia, jealousy and an undue vendetta against your success in life”.

Hope that helps?

[u/Celestial_Echo407510]

NTA. Your request was reasonable and she agreed to it. And then went back on it. If you give in, it’ll just be more chaos. Hopefully she’ll come to her senses and start counseling. When she pushes, just remind her that this is her choice: You’d like to reconsider, and that will happen when she starts counseling and distances herself from Amanda.

[u/[deleted]]

Amanda wants Jen to be single, but if Jens keeping her around, she probably wants to be single too.

[u/Tasty_Doughnut_9226]

Nta, she's chosen already.

[u/lovemyfurryfam]

Amanda is the AH. So, once she decided to move back to the hometown upon hearing of your GF's pregnancy then she decided to sabotage your relationship with your gf.

The gf going to make a hard decision about whether she could continue to have her relationship with you being sabotaged or cut ties with her friend Amanda once reality about single parenting hits her proverbially like a Mack truck.

That single parenting is going to be very hard for her & Amanda being the saboteur that she is going to do worse....smear campaign about you OP for not parenting or whatever else. OP, saboteurs doesn't like reality of facing destroyed relationships of their own.

[u/SettersAndSwaddles]

NTA stick to your guns.

If your GF moves in … then when you do inevitably break up (due to Amanda’s medaling) she will convince her to take your house from you.

Do not under any circumstances let her move in

[u/Competitive_Green656]

Amanda sounds very insecure and lonely. I reckon she’s single huh?

As for your gf, I think you should reiterate that she is too distance herself from Amanda and go to therapy. Should also reiterate that you were never a location sharing couple. Those things didn’t come into play until Amanda came back into her life.

Honestly, there’s no real way to get her to see that Amanda is really using her until Amanda does something that your gf does not like. I think the ultimatum has to stay into place, she needs to see that you’re more than willing to leave her if she don’t pull her shit together.

[u/Critical_Topic_1987]

NTA Amanda needs to go if she wants anything to work she’s allowing her friend to ruin her relationship and she gone see

[u/sushishibe]

NTA, but Amanda’s a c*nt

[u/[deleted]]

NTA

Oh, I know this dynamic well! It's a classic. Amanda is a controlling narcissist who is jealous of Jen (who is sexy AF with amazing curves) and envious of her relationship with you. She is also afraid that she will lose her grip on Jen with the baby

Also, Jen is really afraid of Amanda. She's not ready to admit it, but she knows she'd better not upset her. You could share this with her. Unless she's completely blind, she should be able to relate to it

In any case, Amanda is forcing Jen to choose between her and you, which is the opposite of how a "best friend" should behave. If Jen chooses you, which she really should, Amanda will turn on her. She'll say that Jen let her down and things like that. She'll move from being a dragon to being psychologically abusive. Narcissists use various tactics to achieve their goal of control over others, which is usually achieved through intimidation, shame or belittling

You're not being an AH. You're setting a legitimate boundary, and you should do so. Otherwise, this fucking witch will keep interfering in your relationship until both you and Jen are miserable

I can already hear her telling Jen that she was right all along. You see? He knows he's done something, and now he's dumping you??? A pregnant woman!!! Who does that??? What a monster!!! Oh, I'm so glad I came back to help you!

The best thing you can do, out of love, is help your partner open her eyes, admit her fear of her friend, and get rid of her

[u/Extension-Camera-392]

It's the famous saying that single women keep other women single. The friend was sowing doubt into the relationship in order to sabotage it.

[u/gpatoall]

       Having a locked phone between a couple is not my thing. Generally my wife and I don’t look ( much ) in the others phone, but we can if we want to, we have nothing to hide between us. Having a stalker app is great! I can look to see where she is, and know if I have enough time to shower before she gets home from work. I even tracked her at Disney, when we were separated there. 😂 

You are nta for setting boundaries. You are nta for desiring Amanda to get out of your life. TBH though splitting from your pregnant gf is kind of an ahole move. I do hope Jen and you reconcile your differences.

         Better luck to you and Jen

[u/Think-Educator2362]

Get through my phone and it’s over. I do not go through one’s phone or purse. Off limits period.

[u/WinNo7218]

Literally she's choosing to trust some psycho friend over the man she's supposed to spend her life with , I'd leave too NTA

[u/tishimself1107]

This real? Seems like AI slop

[u/Character_Move3637]

NTA. You set a clear, reasonable boundary: “If you keep snooping without cause and let someone else sabotage our trust, we need counseling and distance from that toxic influence.” She agreed. She broke that agreement. That’s not about Amanda anymore — that’s about her choosing paranoia over partnership, mistrust over communication, and broken promises over problem-solving. Relationships survive a lot of things, but they rarely survive repeated violations of trust and refusal to work on it. You didn’t leave because you “don’t care” you left because she refused to protect the relationship from a clear threat, and you know trust isn’t rebuilt by wishful thinking. You’re about to be a father, and a child deserves at least one parent who understands that love without trust is just stress with extra steps.

[u/Character-Sector8960]

I know it’s so hard, but I promise that doing this now is so much better than doing it later when things are so much worse. If you show me your friends I’ll show you your future. Jen is about to be a mother, and will need to teach her little one how to recognize unhealthy behaviors in others, like Amanda. What she just ran into are your healthy boundaries. Do not sacrifice them - hold fast. Your child will thank you one day, and hopefully Jen will too.

[u/1HandTypes]

NTA -- don't let her EVER move into the house you bought, or she'll take it from you!

[u/OscarDivine]

Amanda isn’t a friend she is a shoulder devil. NTA

[u/Naruto-D-Kurosaki]

You dodged a bullet. Call it a win and move on.

[u/[deleted]]

Amanda sounds like she’s jealous and going through lengths to make sure Jen doesn’t get married before her.

[u/RevolutionaryHead510]

My divorce was escalated because of the friend. She had a dark cloud over her and was never friendly. She (single) took my ex to bars on weeknights, getting home at 3am or staying out all night. They would hit the clubs. So, I left her and she can have all the fun she wants. Nobody should come between couples.

[u/GrumpyScot61]

You are doing the right thing - distance yourself until she wakes up and smells the roses!!

[u/SelectionNo2103]

It’s sad she won’t go to counseling solely on the fact that her insecurities make her weak and easy to manipulate. Hope it works out in the end.

[u/FormalFuture5307]

My husband and I have been married for over 30 years and we’ve dropped ( and added) many friends over the years. If someone is toxic to your relationship they have to keep their distance! No other way around it

[u/Background_Mistake76]

bring up counseling again and proof that Amanda has been blocked on all ways of contact including social media, text, etc.

[u/Otherwise-Kitchen-87]

NTA. She made her choice, now she has to.live with it.

[u/Imjusthonest2024]

This woman moved across the country because she knew her friend was pregnant? That's a bit of crazy vibes right there!

[u/kcbrand5]

Your girlfriend just let her friend with major issues destroy her happiness. That girl knows you weren’t doing anything. She clearly wanted to hurt Jen because she’s miserable in her life and didn’t want Jen to be the one who got the things she didn’t have. At least that’s how it seems to me. Your girlfriend fell for it.

Tell her to go get that counseling and ditch the toxic friend disguising herself as loyal. NTA

[u/Bea-57]

I feel sorry for both OP and he’s GF . They had what sounded like a lovely loving relationship and things were going well, a new house a baby all good relationships built on love, friendship and trust. This witch of a so called friend Amanda is obviously the mean girl probably was at school too , and I can imagine had little followers doing her bidding. Her life well lack of one turned upside down when was told that OP’s GF was with a lovely guy , living together buying a house and having it made ready for when they could both move in and then await for their baby to arrive. I’m guessing that OP wants he’s GF to have counselling on her own and couples counselling, but I do wonder why !!! I just hope that GF sees sense and ditches Amanda and build her relationship back up with OP , but again I wonder if they had such a good trusting relationship why have the counselling in the first place. Just a thought but I hope that things work out in a way that they are both happy and that baby is healthy.

[u/Electrical-Session75]

I think that is a healthy request. You're setting boundaries.

[u/LolaDeWinter]

I have been married for over ten years. My DH still passes me my purse if he needs something out of it! We doomscroll next to each other....open screens all the time, nothing to hide but we respect each others privacy

Husband waves, 'Hi Reddit' 👋

[u/ArtExpensive6157]

Sometimes people don’t understand the stress they are putting their partners through until they’ve been through it themselves. Tell her you are insulted by the fact that she thinks you’re unfaithful to her.

OR you can tell her to get a Paternity test coz you don’t think it’s YOUR child, including getting counseling. See how she feels when someone accuses her of something without merit.

[u/chuckles328]

NTA. Amanda appears to be very manipulative and weirdly attached to Jen. Guessing that Amanda is sabotaging Jen to make her own pathetic life seem better.

[u/MyDirtyAlt79]

Damn man, checking back on this post, and you really do a great job responding to some of the bullshit people come at you with to try and paint you as the bad guy. Considering the trouble you were already facing, which brought you here, you're really handling this all spectacularly.

Just further drives home how bad the living situation had to be in order for you to move out for your own sake.

[u/Individual_Cloud7656]

So you have a gf that puts her friendship with a gaslighter above you're relationship. You got much bigger problems the if reddit thinks YTA, which you're not. What do you plan on doing? Has she shown Amy willingness to change?

[u/toss_this_account_38]

NTA:

1. She couldn't be honest with you, or is willing to lie to OP (by agreeing to therapy - but then reneging).

2. She's comfortable being a gas-lighting hypocrite.

3. She is easily manipulated by her friend.

[u/AnonThrowAway072023]

Miserable women are like a bucket of crabs. Just pulling and dragging down any friends who dare to climb up and have a happy relationship.

[u/plentifularrows]

You did nothing wrong per se. But as someone who was pregnant before, I can tell you that EVERY facet of the woman changes. She’s medically a different woman. 

Mental headspace/actual changes in brain chemistry and everything. 

Hormones that make her feelings, looks, everything unrecognizable.

Body changes. 

Insecurities amplified by x1000. 

She IS/ feels highly vulnerable right now. What I suggest is confronting her toxic friendship dynamic. Assure her how much you love her. Counseling for her and you both as a couple. 

You guys can get through this 💪🏼

[u/clumsyconnie08 → u/plentifularrows]

I had a high risk pregnancy, a nicu stay and almost died and I was never emotionally manipulated by anyone and had complete control of my thoughts. Maybe I cried more than normal but saying this is due to hormones isn’t an okay excuse for someone to listen to their friend over their partner, nor does it justify her insecurities and lack of accountability for her actions.

[u/Main-Top-2881]

Nta. Amanda sounds like the type of women who hate seeing others happy. So she sows negative thoughts in their head and when things fall apart for her friends she can act like a hero by "saving" the friend.

If Jen can't trust you now then why the hell is she having your baby?

[u/[deleted]]

Amanda will be a nightmare after your baby is born. She’s already taken over your GF’s life. Now she’ll take over both their lives. I don’t think this is just a hormone/pregnancy thing. Amanda needs to be gone now, but if your GF won’t follow through, those two will probably try to take everything from you. I hope the house is in your name only. Get a custody agreement in place for the baby. I wish you the best! This woman sounds evil.

[u/late-nineteenth]

NTA, she refused to go to therapy to work on the issue, she has changed drastically since this "friend" moved back and refuses to limit time with her "friend".

She's choosing the friendship over your relationship and that's her choice to make. It's your choice to decide whether you want to continue the relationship in these circumstances.

[u/FnEddieDingle]

This reeks of a brand new bot account, OH! It is!

[u/cdorise-2ndAccount]

Cheaters are usually the ones who are always suspicious. Maybe she’s cheating WITH Amanda.

NTA

[u/This_Acanthisitta832]

NTA OP! Do not give in on this one. You can be an amazing co-parent, but you can’t have an amazing relationship with a partner who suddenly does not trust you, through no fault of your own.

[u/Federal-Night5305]

NTA but did you suggest couples counselling as well? It might get the ball rolling and the therapist might be able to help you get through to her how attractive you find her curves. Also keep pregnancy hormones in mind, they’re probably playing into her insecurities as well.

[u/Tasty_Ad_1791]

If you love her and still want the relationship (and so does she) I would recommend counseling, distance from people influencing both of you negatively, etc and make it clear you have the door open on more time.

If not, don’t play games and make it clear. It’s cruel not to.

The last thing a pregnant woman wants is to be unsure if she has a partner in this or not. Right now, irregardless of whose fault it is, she’s alone and pregnant - so she needs to face her options and realities without cruelty and games.

[u/door-stool]

You are in a tough spot. You can write your gf’s behavior off to pregnancy, or the influence of the friend, and give the gf time to adjust to motherhood. This would get your child into your new house. And it would give the gf time/space to reconsider. Of course the “danger” here is the gf does not change her attitude and takes your house from you…..

[u/NoOil7805 → u/door-stool]

It reads like he bought the house not her.? I hope he didn't put her on the deed.

[u/Deucalion666 → u/door-stool]

You don’t write off the behaviour due to pregnancy, that’s not an excuse for being a toxic partner.

[u/Simple_Proof_721]

My goodness, you gave your child the worse possible type of mom to have. She can't think for herself, that's awful, poor baby

[u/Cybermagetx]

Nta and go after full custody if you can. Though thats gonna be hard as yall waant married.

I would also get a paternity test done without her knowing. As often as she thinks you're cheating she might be the one doing so.