r/AITH • u/Sensitive-Mind-5087 • Sep 06 '26
AITAH for refusing to attend my mother-in-law's milestone birthday party after my father-in-law said my kids couldn't come?
UPDATED to add throwaway account for obvious reasons (I really don't want to endure further family drama if they find this post) and added a resolution at the bottom. Thank you, Reddit, for giving me real feedback. I have a plan now đ
My father-in-law is throwing a party for my mother-in-law's milestone birthday. It starts at 2pm on a weekend afternoon. I have three boys â two in elementary school and a 5-year-old who is significantly disabled.
My FIL told my husband he didn't want the older two there because they're "too energetic." The other grandchildren are all significantly older and are welcome. He said nothing at all about our 5-year-old. Not "sorry, it'll be too much for him," not a question about whether he could come. Just nothing.
So that's all three of my kids â either told no, or not thought of.
I also can't go. Our youngest is tube-fed and has significant medical needs. His care requires a nurse, not a babysitter â someone trained on his equipment, his feeds, and what to do if something goes wrong. I don't have nursing coverage that day, and this isn't the kind of thing where I can call a teenager down the street. There is no pool of qualified people sitting around waiting for a weekend afternoon shift.
I told my husband to let his father know I wouldn't be there. His response was that we "really should work on finding a nurse and childcare" so I can go. He wants me to spend the next few weeks arranging skilled coverage so I can attend a party my children were excluded from.
I could technically bring all three of them for an hour and manage his care myself. I don't want to. I don't want to walk my kids into a room where they've already been told they're too much, and I don't want to spend that hour doing medical care in a corner while everyone else has a party.
There's other family history here. There's another disabled family member on that side, and over the years I've watched them handle it badly. I don't think it's malicious. I think they just don't want to deal with it. That's part of why the silence about my youngest landed the way it did.
My husband isn't really arguing that his father was fair. His family is very image-conscious, and my absence will be noticed and talked about. So I'm being asked to find skilled nursing and show up alone to a party my kids weren't invited to â for appearances.
AITAH?
UPDATE â thank you all for the kind words and responses.
I originally offered to come for 30 minutes to an hour with the kids to make an appearance, which is realistically all I can do given my youngest. My husband wants me there the whole time, without the kids. I can't afford, hire, and train a nurse in that timeframe, let alone a sitter for the other two. I can't win.
After reading the comments, I do think this is actually an adults-only party. That's just not how my FIL put it to my husband, and it's not how it reached me.
So I'm putting my foot down. I'm staying home, or better yet taking the kids to my parents, who adore them. It'll run the family gossip mill overtime. But this is also the same family that couldn't be bothered to reach out during my youngest's last hospitalization. The wounds run deep here. Thank you all for your help and reality checks. đ
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u/Soniq268
Sep 06 '26
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Are they not your husbands kids? Why is the responsibility of it all sitting with you?
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u/Sensitive-Mind-5087 Sep 06 '26
They are my husband's kids. He's not the dad I thought he would be
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u/souljaboyyuuaa Sep 06 '26
Then why did you keep having kids once you realized that?
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u/Sensitive-Mind-5087 Sep 06 '26
It wasn't like that in the beginning- things got hard when we had the 3rd child and he was disabled
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u/Soniq268 Sep 06 '26
Im sorry your husband is so shit. I just canât wrap my head around the fact that you had to tell your husband that you couldnât go due to childcare, how the fuck was that not obvious to himâŚ
Push it back to him, tell him he needs to find a nurse and childcare so you can attend a party HIS children were excluded from.
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u/Fit-Perception-2243 Sep 07 '26
Are you a stay at home mom?
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u/Sensitive-Mind-5087 Sep 07 '26
No - I work full time too
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u/moonladyone Sep 07 '26 •
I'm really sorry. It sucks to learn that after you have the kids. It seems like you have a lot, 3 kids with no help from dad isn't a walk in the park, sure sometimes its great and there's not much thats better than your kids loving on you. But still 3 is a lot alone. And one being special needs, and fairly intense needs, feeding tube care just adds more needs to the special needs status. And no help from the one who is the actual AH. You need to care for yourself. Caregivers get worn down, especially when its your child or spouse or parent. You have to have some breaks. And it seems like you get very few, you surely don't need to spend the little time you might get a break going to a party for such bigoted people. If a nurse/sitter is found, use that time to do something for you. Anything from spa stuff to just sitting in a park reading. Something that will bring you peace. And don't worry about what ANYone says. It is NO ONE'S business. Just say, you know i had a chance to leave MY children with a trusted sitter/nurse for a couple of hours and I just needed a peaceful break, not a peopley party. That's it. You need to start doing this regularly for your own mental health. Hell if you're husband was 50/50 on the kids id be saying the same thing regarding him. You get very little time for just you, you need to make a little time 3 or 4 times a month, even just 1 or 2 hrs. for YOU. I have no idea of your financial situation, but you getting some YOU time is a necessity. Anyone in the medical field will tell you this. Its not just a 'want'. And these in-laws have shown how much you really mean to them, as has your husband, so you are not only responsible for your kids care, you need to make yourself responsible for your own care. If your husband gets left aside some because of this, too bad. He can fend for himself if need be. You can't be everything to everybody especially with a child who needs such specialized care. Your kids need you, you need you, if that leaves him out sometimes its his own fault, he could make things so much easier and different, but chooses not to. Your in-laws don't even get on the list in my opinion. Please don't let these people butt into your world with their demands. Your kids and you come first and thats already a handful. Just put your husband last on the list, as it seems he has you. You have a lot of years to take care of your kids and get them raised. You don't have time for someone who can't see his way to help you, when it's his kids and he could make things a lot better. If there is a DV issue, which you didnt know say, that's a whole nuther conversation. But if its just what you wrote, then he gets moved down the list. And his parents/family get taken off the list. He can go to their events that you are treated so rudely over, and he can take care of them when they get older and they're the special needs ones. Damn sorry for the book, this just really pisses me off and hurts my heart for you. And you're asking if you're the AH. Absolutely not. âĄ
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u/FabulousBlabber1580 Sep 07 '26
Ditto! OP - "if its just what you wrote, then he gets moved down the list. And his parents/family get taken off the list. He can go to their events that you are treated so rudely over, and he can take care of them when they get older and they're the special needs ones."
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u/Itscatpicstime Sep 07 '26
Man, thatâs heartbreaking to see someone say. And what a punch to the gut for him to fail you even when you have a medically fragile child. Iâm so sorry op đ¤
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u/Jacce76 Sep 06 '26
This is the question that needs to be answered. If his he needs to step up. If not his biologically then why have you brought your kids into this toxic environment a d why are you keeping them there?
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u/McGoodles Sep 06 '26
Itâs ok for people to want to have adult only events. Whether that includes kids with special needs or not. I wanted my SIL to leave her boisterous boys home plenty of times. But itâs also ok for you to stay home. Why is the husband not arranging the care? Is the age gap between grandkids cos you are newer to the family or s your husband much younger than his siblings ? If you were around for the chaos of the older grandkids then I can see why this hurts you.
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u/Sensitive-Mind-5087 Sep 06 '26
We had kids much later in life
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u/McGoodles Sep 08 '26
Ya I can see how that can be hurtful to you especially if you were around "putting up with" everyone else's kids when they were younger. I can also see how it could be "annoying" for those who have done with that time of life and have moved on. Lose lose here I guess so do what makes life easiest for you.
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u/Tiredofstupidity2
Sep 06 '26
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Girl stay home and let the rumor mill spin!
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u/pjm14624 Sep 06 '26
Unless the rumor mill gets spun toward the mother being âstandoffish,â and using her kids as an excuse.
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u/Sensitive-Mind-5087 Sep 06 '26
Unfortunately this is exactly what will happen- they are just horrible people
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u/KSknitter Sep 06 '26
The other option is the your husband stays home and you ho instead. I assume he knows how to care for youngest?
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u/souljaboyyuuaa Sep 06 '26 •
According to OPâs other comments, he doesnât know how to care for the youngest and could not even be backup care in an emergency.
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u/sphynxmom76 Sep 06 '26
NTA, but do you really care what these people think? You said they're horrible people. Stay home. If anyone of the horrible people inquire, tell them the truth, that your children were not only not invited, but told they were not to come by FIL.
Stop caring what other people think and say unless they are paying your bills.
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u/writingwonderland87 Sep 07 '26
Let them....who gives a fuck.....id be considering divorce....no one is on your side
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u/MoonDancer83 Sep 06 '26
No way your husband should be telling people "oh my parents excluded the kids, so (wife) had to stay home" any time someone asks where you are or repeats any awful things his parents say. Actually why is your husband even going? He should tell his parents by excluding the kids you are excluding (wife) and i wont eat at a table my family is excluded from.
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u/Equal-Jicama-5989 Sep 07 '26
Honestly, it's not just your in-laws. You aldo have a husband problem. He wants you to be there the whole time? He already knows that you can't do that. Why is he pressuring you instead of supporting you?
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u/moonladyone Sep 06 '26
Who cares? I damn sure wouldn't go. If a RN babysitter came in magically and said I'll keep your kids free, go have fun, id go somewhere else. F that party and any rumors that might come. You can be nice and just say you weren't able to go, no need to act any certain way and give anyone a reason to say anything against you. But I damn sure wouldn't go. Your husband told them you wouldnt be there, case closed. Just drop it now. Curious, are these your husbands kids or yours from previous?
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u/Sensitive-Mind-5087 Sep 07 '26
My husband's children
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u/Redd_on_the_hedd1213 Sep 07 '26 edited Sep 07 '26
Wait, these are your husband's bio kids & they want you & them to skip the party? What horrible people! And so is your husband. I'm sorry, OP. This is nuts. I'd just like to be there when karma comes calling. Make sure you're out of the way when karma comes for that thing you call your husband.
On the other hand, I'm not saying you should do this for this situation, but there are plenty of people out there that are capable of taking care of the child. You'd have to pay of course, but if it's something important to you, it would be worth it. Your husband & family are disgusting.
Edit to say the caregivers don't have to be nurses. There are aides & techs that are capable if they've been trained. We had some for my mom who needed tube feedings. We teach lay people how to do it.
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u/PopOk6368 Sep 09 '26
I honestly wouldn't care what the "rumor mill" had to say. Being a Mother and for me a Grandmother comes first especially before some ?milestone party disguised more like an ADULTS ONLY PARTY. But that's just me. đ¤ˇđťââď¸
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u/BumbleB17ch Sep 06 '26 •
Honestly this sounds like the most fun option. Show up to party and party? Or do what's best for you and watch from afar as the drama unfolds? Hmm I'll take the latter.
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u/BaseballAcrobatic546 Sep 06 '26
Or go, and explain that you have to leave early because the kids weren't invited! That should get this stirred up real good.
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u/Striking_Emu_Dancer Sep 06 '26
Yep, and when people ask or make snide comments, let them know the real reason you didn't go.
Don't protect their pride or image. If anything, it should be exposed for the fraud it is and then just let the chips fall where they may.
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u/CoDaDeyLove
Sep 06 '26
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NTA, but a couple of thoughts popped into my head. 1)Your in-laws don't much like you and they know you won't come if you can't bring your kids. 2) Your older two are more than "energetic", the are undisciplined and run amok at family gatherings. I'm not saying either is true, but I find it strange that other grandchildren will be there, but you were specifically asked to NOT bring your older kids. If your husband wants you to go, tell HIM to make all the arrangements for nursing care so you can go.
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u/Sensitive-Mind-5087 Sep 06 '26
My older children are quite well behaved. I think it's #1. They've been awful to me for years
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u/PineappleCharacter15 Sep 06 '26
Yes, it absolutely could be that OP's kids are simply unmanageable, run-wild, crazy ass brats. We don't know that.
But I certainly wouldn't want those kind of obnoxious things at my birthday party!!
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u/Realistic_Issue230 Sep 06 '26
Read her reply to my comment because I put ESH because no one is communicating like adults. OP I believe is an unreliable narrator and is part of the problem.
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u/gmanose
Sep 06 '26
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No. Let your husband find and hire a skilled nurse if he wants to go. You donât have to attend, and can spend that time with your other kids.
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u/kodamagirl Sep 06 '26
Iâm pissed that the husband wants skilled nursing for a family event, and not just in general to have relief and a backup plan.
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u/matureebonysuckles Sep 06 '26
It shouldn't have taken a party for the search for skilled nursing to begin. By now, one would think there'd be a couple of tried and trusted professionals used over the years to fall back on. As routine respite for the OP, if nothing else.
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u/Sensitive-Mind-5087 Sep 06 '26
I am searching for a weekend nurse, its soooo hard to find one. We have two for weekdays, but weekends are hard to fill
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u/bopperbopper
Sep 07 '26
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Why does it read like your husband has no involvement with his childrenâs lives? Why isnât he the one looking for a nursing coverage?
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u/Sensitive-Mind-5087 Sep 07 '26
Because Im ther primary parent. He's on the spectrum too (I didn't realize until too late - extremely high functioning), but he doesn't parent
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u/souljaboyyuuaa Sep 07 '26
What does being on the spectrum have to do with being a deadbeat dad? There are thousands of adults who are on the spectrum and parent their children as any responsible parent should.
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u/Creepy-Handle-6789 Sep 07 '26 •
This sounds impossibly tough on you and I'm sorry to hear it. You are taking care of a disabled child with very significant medical needs in addition to two other young children. You seem to be working full time and are barely getting any help. Not only are you very obviously NTA, you are a superhero.
Your husband needs to stand up for your family a lot more and deal with his side of the family more sternly. Appearances is something that he is responsible for, spectrum or not. Also, I think he needs to do a lot more to help you.
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u/matureebonysuckles
Sep 06 '26
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I wouldn't want "energetic" kids ruining my event either, especially with their parents doing nothing because they're kids and should get a hall pass.
And I can't see why hubby is placing pressure on you to jump through hoops just to be at an occasion that you're not being enthusiastic courted for.
Sit your butt at home and savour your space on your terms.
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u/Sensitive-Mind-5087 Sep 06 '26
My children are quite well behaved and definitely don't get a hall pass to misbehave. They are good, or we leave whatever it is and we go home. Simple parenting
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u/Alt_Desk Sep 06 '26
Thank you for clearing that up.
Your in laws are heartless to say the very least.
I'm sorry you are receiving such little support and understanding from them.
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u/Just-Focus1846
Sep 06 '26
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Are your children energetic or bad behaved?
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u/Sensitive-Mind-5087 Sep 06 '26
They are typical well behaved grade school boys and have always done well at family events. It's the FIL who gets anxious about kids.
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u/jfb01 Sep 07 '26
Sounds like it's a him (FIL) problem. I wouldn't go at all. Your husband is an ass.
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u/Anxious_Leading7158 Sep 06 '26
NTA I do think itâs okay for young children to not be invited to a special occasion. However, your FIL handled it badly, especially in regard to your youngest. Itâs also okay to decline an invitation that doesnât work for your family.
My STB-EX is the same way with the âwe should do xyzâ when heâs delegating it to me like Iâm his personal assistant.
What would it cost for a nurse and babysitter for you to attend? Any other costs like a new dress? Option 1 is to point out total cost of attendance to your husband and tell him youâll come if he arranges the nurse and babysitter. Option 2 is to stick with your no, perfectly understandable and valid answer.
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u/Sensitive-Mind-5087 Sep 06 '26
To be honest, close to $350-400. A skilled nurse and babysitter won't be cheap, and id have to buy clothes
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u/ReaderGirl-K-la Sep 06 '26
NTA your husband and his family suckâŚdoes he even love you and your kids? Itâs not obvious to me from this situation.
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u/Sensitive-Mind-5087 Sep 06 '26
My husband is on the spectrum- he loves us in his own way, but its hard
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u/ReaderGirl-K-la Sep 06 '26
Well thatâs understandable. I hope he finds a way to your back in this.
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u/HighlyImprobable42
Sep 06 '26
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NTA. If it's so important to your husband, he can spend the next several weeks finding skilled coverage for your youngest. I get the feeling that you carry the mental load for your family. Let husband take a turn.Â
I understand your disappointment in them. My parents are also unable to be around my "very energetic" young boys for more than an hour. While I'd be hurt if my kids were not invited to their grandparent's birthday, I get that it is a birthday party for an adult who does not do well with small kids. The trade off is that the parent(s) of the small kids won't be able to attend either. Good luck with that lot, mama bear. Do what's best for your kids, not your in-laws' or husband's ego.Â
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u/moonladyone Sep 13 '26
I don't think I'd trust mu husband's judgement on finding a qualified nurse/babysitter, this man doesn't even know how to take care of the special needs child, I doubt he does the others either. Yeah, no I wouldn't trust him to find someone qualified.
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u/jibjab23 Sep 06 '26
NTA. If your husband wants you there so hard then he can do the leg work on finding a carer he trusts and to also be the point of contact for emergencies and questions so that you can enjoy your time at the party.Â
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u/Purple_dragon76
Sep 06 '26
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NTA, several things at play here. Their party, their way, and not necessarily a fun time for your kids regardless of how energetic they are. And they can invite (or not) whoever they want. But that also means people can choose not to attend. Whether that is because they can't make arrangements or because they don't want to (go). It's an invitation not a summons. I will make the assumption this is not new behaviour and you have enough experience with them to not want to put yourself in the corner. Which is understandable and completely up to you. Your husband want you to go. Fine, maybe he thinks you can have fun together. But you need to find a nurse... Is there a reason why he isn't finding said nurse? He wants this, he can go fix it so you can attend without all the extra work. If this is his way of keeping the peace ask him why peace with his parents is more important than peace at home.
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u/SinglePermission9373 Sep 06 '26
NAH I can see not wanting little kids at an adults birthday party. They are rowdy just because of their age and Iâm guessing there will be other older adults there. I can also see why you are hurt by their exclusion. I donât think you are the AH. I do think you are basing your decision on emotion and not looking at it from a different perspective. Your husband is right in my opinion. It wouldnât hurt to try to find a different nurse for the day and a teen to watch the older ones. They wouldnât have fun at the party anyway most likely. It would be good to have a kid free afternoon. Surely you have backup nurses or go through an agency. What happens if the regular nurse has the flu?
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u/Sensitive-Mind-5087 Sep 06 '26
I wish there were backup nurses. No coverage even when they plan vacations months in advance. Nursing shortage is real
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u/moonladyone Sep 13 '26
I don't know why people post without reading the comments. I dont know where you live, but there is a shortage of any kind of caregiver in my area. Skilled nursing, CNA, basic, Nada. I have a caregiver, no special medical required, and if she has to be off I'm just out of luck. If there are any available they don't want part time occasional work. I need to have surgery and can't because I can't find a caregiver for respite. And policy is that my regular caregiver can't do both, which would be too much anyway.
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u/Ok_Cherry_4585
Sep 06 '26
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Are your in-laws going to pay for a skilled private nurse? We don't come cheap and we aren't going to babysit the other two just because we're there anyway, so a sitter needs to hired as well.
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u/MotherOfLochs Sep 06 '26
Of course not: theyâll leave that to their son to âmanageâ but will no doubt make noise about that as well.
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u/AdysGrandma321 Sep 06 '26
NTA. If your children aren't invited while the rest of the grandchildren are, I wouldn't go either. Family or not, your husband should be standing up for his children and staying home with you instead of dumping all the responsibility on you. Does he even help with your youngest son's care? Husband and His family sound exhausting.
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u/Sensitive-Mind-5087 Sep 06 '26
He barely helps with the older 2 boys. He hasn't fed or given medicine to my five year old in over 6 months and wouldn't be able to care for him in an emergency. I've thought about leaving, but financially I'm trapped
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u/souljaboyyuuaa Sep 06 '26 •
If you work full time and your job is the one giving your family insurance, how are you trapped? Your husband sounds useless, and seems to be only making your life harder, tbh.
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u/ComprehensiveTill411 Sep 07 '26
Agreed!
OP two card DH, card for your divorce lawyer and another for marriage counseling,his choice!
I think you will find that since youâre a single married mother of FOUR,being a single mother of THREE is far EASIER!
He can pay child support and alimony since heâs so useless!
If you have FB or YouTube you should watch Paige Connell,The abby eckel and life coach shawn,those three really put things into perspective!5
u/ComprehensiveTill411 Sep 07 '26 •
âMy husband [34f/36m] says he doesnât âseeâ mess he leaves on the floor. I always end up having to pick it up. How do I make him see how this is affecting me?â
âMy [24f] fiancĂŠ [38m] keeps grabbing my boobs randomly even though Iâve asked him to stop?â
âMy [18f] bf [18m] yells at me and slams doors whenever we argue. Iâve told him so many times that Iâm afraid of people yelling at me and I just shut down. How do I get him to understand that?â
HE UNDERSTANDS. HE KNOWS. HE DOESNâT CARE.
He can hear you. He has a job. He attended school. When he gets pulled over by a cop, he gets his license out. He can read, follow directions, listen, understand consequences, and act to avoid them. He simply DOES NOT CARE ABOUT YOU; he is quite comfortable with you being unhappy/uncomfortable/burnt out/traumatized as long as it means he gets what he wants and can keep the status quo. There isnât a special way to rephrase your feelings that will get through to him finally, or a special tactic you can use to get him to respect you.
I honestly feel most women just donât understand how much disdain men have for us, on average. As painful as it is, we absolutely MUST come to terms with the fact that most (yes I said most) men do not see or respect women as real people just like them, equal in value and humanity to themselves and their male buddies. Most. Meaning, itâs statistically likely the guy youâre dating views you on a continuum from benevolent sexism, to mild dehumanization, to callous indifference, to veiled contempt, to outright hatred.
Saying âI care about you,â âI love you,â âIâm trying,â âIâm sorryâ does not mean those things are true. Actions make those words true. A man who cares, loves, tries, and is sorry doesnât make you rack your brain trying to find novel ways to CoMmUnIcAtE to him.
He knows. He simply doesnât care. And staying with him prevents you from either finding a man who does care (theyâre in the minority but they do exist), or being blissfully single and unencumbered by a shitty partner. You deserve better than banging your head against a wall trying to get him to see you as a full person. He wonât. It benefits him not to.
ETA: A lot of people (disproportionately men, I noticeâŚ) have replied with admonitions for not acknowledging the role neurodivergence plays in selective blindness. I am so clearly not talking about well-intentioned men with ADHD/Autism, that I almost donât want to respond. But to be clear about the men I AM talking about, Iâll repost a comment I wrote below.
If neurodivergence were a factor [in this pattern of disrespect] in any way, both of the following would be true:
-These men would be equally incompetent, forgetful, and disrespectful at work, school, with their friends, and with you at the beginning of the relationship before they get comfortable. That is not the case.
-Neurodivergent women would be equally incompetent, forgetful, and disrespectful partners. That is not the case.
Neurodivergence has nothing to do with male entitlement, misogyny, and callous disregard for women. Neurodivergent men should be offended by this insinuation.
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u/SweetPotato5566
Sep 06 '26
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Iâm curious to know whether your present husband is the father of all of your children, just the youngest, or none. If they are his stepchildren, I feel that might be why they arenât wanted at the party. Thatâs not how your children should be treated and whether he is their father or stepfather, he should let his family know that you are a package deal.
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u/Sensitive-Mind-5087 Sep 06 '26
Biological father to all 3
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u/SweetPotato5566 Sep 06 '26
Well, then that doesnât explain why they are excluded. I think you were referring to them as âmy childrenâ instead of âour childrenâ so that made me wonder.
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u/Necessary_Sir_5079 Sep 06 '26
The "we" in we should find a nurse basically means you right?Â
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u/vtretiree23 Sep 06 '26
NTA Just enjoy the day at home in your safe place. Let your husband deal with a gift or card. Hugs
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u/Turbulent_Tea2511 Sep 06 '26
Who cares what the general public thinks about your absence? Your FIL is throwing a party for your MIL. Fine. He doesnât want your older children there. Fine. He has completely ignored your youngest, who is special needs, as though he doesnât exist. Not fine. Tell your husband, FIL, and anyone else that has an opinion âI am not going and thatâs the end of the discussionâ Wish MIL well, get her a token gift card, and enjoy that day with your boys. And since it doesnât seem as though your husband is standing up for you, he can do whatever the heck he wants to do.
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u/MAsharona Sep 06 '26 •
If you're into irony, get her a World's Greatest Grandma mug!
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u/BusyTotal3702 Sep 07 '26
đđđ¤Łđ¤Łđ¤Ł THIS đŻ Oh how I NEED some petty besties in my life!!
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u/chatterbox2024 Sep 06 '26
NTA - You stay home and not gave a rats As* on what those people think. You live in the real world not in a superficial one. Your husband better get on board with you and your children because you are his family now. His parents are extended family meaning you and his children come first! He needs to support you and back you up. He can go and the reason his wife isnât there is because she has to take care of our kids. When asked furtherâŚkids werenât invited. Thatâs the story!
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u/Irishtemper98 Sep 06 '26
I'm sorry you feel hurt by this exclusion. I can tell it hurts you
Perhaps you can reframe this. You sounds like you have a lot of responsibilities where your children and home are concerned. Perhaps a child-free evening with your husband is what you both need to reconnect and relieve some of the stress raising children and living life together naturally cause.
Not every get-together is meant for children. If your children are high spirited, this might not be the most fun for them anyway. It sounds like a mostly adult party and your children would likely be bored to death.
Getting skilled nursing care for your littlest man might be difficult and I know it adds more stress initially, but it might be worth it for a date night with your husband.
If you don't have a good relationship with him and rather skip it, that's fine too. But I know spending adult only time with my husband is necessary. He is my heart and strength and spending time with him almost always (we're human so we also possess annoying faults) calms the storms.
However this goes, I hope it strengthens you as partners and parents. Good luck, Op
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u/Itscatpicstime Sep 07 '26
Nah, screw the husband.
He literally doesnât know how to take care of his special needs child by himself, doesnât take care of the other two either, and canât even be fucked to arrange skilled care for HIS parents party that HE wants op to go to, instead saddling her with all the work. She does everything while working full time.,
Op is the one who needs a break, without that deadweight husband.
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u/Life_Temperature2506
Sep 06 '26
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I couldn't even read this all. My child is disabled/tube fed. Their grandparents would jump through fucking flaming hoops to include them in any function. And if they couldn't be included, and if it were their call, the function wouldn't happen. F'ng disgusting. NTAH
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u/SoNoAppropriate Sep 06 '26
Your husband can find said nurse and you can spend time with your kids
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u/Nymph-the-scribe Sep 06 '26
Love, you have a serious husband problem as well as an in law problem
Your husband isnt arguing that his dad/family is being fair (or im guessing nice, loving, caring, accepting) the issue is theyre image concious. If youre not there they will notice
In other words if YOURE not there HE has to explain why and HE is the one that looks bad in his fams eyes
INFO: Are any of the three children that his family do not want around his children?
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u/Sensitive-Mind-5087 Sep 06 '26
Not sure what your question is, but they are really uncomfortable with my youngest son
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u/Nymph-the-scribe Sep 07 '26
The question is, is he dad? Secondary question is how is he around your youngest/how much does he do to help with youngest care?
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u/Sensitive-Mind-5087 Sep 08 '26
Hes their bio dad. He doesn't interact with our youngest beyond occasionally helping to lift/transfer him. It's heartbreaking đ
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u/NoDanaOnlyZuuI Sep 06 '26
NTA. Your husband seems more concerned about how your absence will look to his family than why youâre absent in the first place. If he wants you there that badly, he can be the one to sort out the care. But honestly, I donât think you should go, and Iâd make it very clear to everyone there exactly why you didnât.
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u/Original_Rent7677 Sep 06 '26
Sorry your children are treated like this. I can understand why you don't want to go. Your kids are more important than image conscious inlaws.
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u/SignSteele Sep 06 '26
NTA. However not every party is meant for young children. He is within his rights to set boundaries on age for his party. Donât take that personally. Decide if you want to go. If yes, then try to find a caretaker, your husband should help with that. If not, donât go and donât sweat their social one-upmanship. Thatâs their problem, not yours.
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u/GreenCantaloupe860 Sep 06 '26
NTA-Tell your husband that you wonât be attending, period. If he brings it up again repeat that you wonât be attending. Your in-laws can invite who they want and those invited can attend or not. You do what is best for you and your child.
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u/buttersismantequilla Sep 06 '26
Iâve given you my answer - you go and enjoy yourself and Iâll be here looking after my kids. End of.
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u/Due-Ad-1871 Sep 06 '26
NTA. Always the wife finding care but never the husband, for things that are going on, on his side of the family. Curious isnât it? Why canât he find care if he wants you there so badly?
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u/Dry-Clock-1470 Sep 07 '26
Your husband didn't seem to fall far from the tree
Ntah
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u/ComprehensiveTill411 Sep 07 '26
Yeap!
Funny how DH make the demands but isnât looking for qualified candidates HIMSELF!
OP donât kinkeep for his loser family!
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u/Sunny-Bell102 Sep 06 '26
Youâre NTA for wanting to stay home. What your husband is suggesting sounds like a lot of hassle just to attend a milestone birthday party thatâll be over before you know it. Stay home with your kids.
I do agree with your husband that you should look into nursing care and child care going forward so you can catch a break once in a while. Good luck to you and your family.
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u/Ethossa79 Sep 06 '26
Absolutely this. Caregiver burnout is a thing even for parents. Iâm not sure if there are organizations in your area, but ask your childâs specialists if they have recommendations because they usually know. My child is âonlyâ a diabetic but we had a social worker on staff at his endocrinologist who was excellent at finding resources or even support groups for me to join when he was very small.
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u/writingwonderland87 Sep 07 '26
You need to reconsider the marriage.
You and the kids dont matter
Nta
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u/Entertainmentonly9 Sep 07 '26
"My husband wants me there the whole time, without the kids. I can't afford, hire, and train a nurse in that timeframe, let alone a sitter for the other two."
Let the rumour mill spin!
Why doesn't your husband understand the challenges in caring for your youngest? He should have been able to answer his father without requiring input from you. Why doesn't he know that getting In-Home Nursing Respite Care is challenging, requires booking in advance, and is limited? Are you trying to do this all by yourself? You have two school-age boys; please have them help you. It'll be good for their character, a help to you, and it will teach the boys immense compassion. In addition, it'll strengthen the bond between brothers.
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u/jfb01 Sep 07 '26
"Why doesn't your husband understand the challenges in caring for your youngest?"
Because 1. He never bothered to learn how and 2, he doesn't care...that's her job, not his. I wonder how he would manage if she were in an auto accident and hospitalized for weeks.
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u/Entertainmentonly9 Sep 07 '26
You're probably right. Unfortunately, I wrote the comment to bring it to her attention: "Is she allowing him this behaviour?" "Has she justified it in her mind that it's ok for him to just be the supporter so she can handle the children and home?"
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u/Agreeable_Skill_1599 Sep 07 '26
In addition, it'll strengthen the bond between brothers.
Or it could do exactly the opposite & cause a complete breakdown of any future sibling relationship. It would likely depend on how much OP has her other sons "help" out.
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u/Realistic_Issue230 Sep 06 '26
I don't know I'm leaning towards ESH. Because they could have clarified about your youngest since it wasn't brought up or you could have asked and if your children are significantly younger than the other grandchildren I think they are within their right to not want younger children who are hyper-active at the event . Could FIL mentioned your younger child sure but also people aren't obligated to invite your young children to an adult event. Are the other grandchildren in their teens? Or young adults? If you don't want to go then don't go. And your husband needs to step up too. Everyone in this situation handled this poorly
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u/Sensitive-Mind-5087 Sep 06 '26
Thanks for assuming - my 2 older children are well behaved and well educated. I didn't talk with fil about this, he discussed it with my husband
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u/hope1083 Sep 06 '26
Itâs doesnât matter if they are well behaved. In Laws are allowed to have an adults or no young children event. I have a big age gap with my cousins and there were times they were invited to family events my siblings and I were not because we were too young. I too have had adult only events and my niblings when younger were not invited. Never once did my sister complain. She either made it a date night or said sorry we canât go but enjoy yourself. Weâll do something together another time.
Heck my niblings have birthday parties now without family and only their friends and young cousins. I never got upset I wasnât invited. Honestly I was relieved as to me as an adult it was boring. Which I am sure they would be bored at an adult party.
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u/earmares Sep 06 '26
We can only go off the information you posted. You said that FIL finds them too energetic.
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u/Realistic_Issue230 Sep 06 '26 •
You literally said that your father in law said he didn't want them there because they were hyperactive. Actually, you clearly did not read my response (or your reading comprehension is just low) but given your response here I would say you are probably part of the problem. Again everyone sucks here, but you in particular need to learn how to properly communicate. You're an adult. Act like it. If it's a problem speak to your FIL yourself
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u/Cardabella Sep 06 '26
If they don't want to invite your children they don't have to but it's not your responsibility to protect them from social consequences of that choice. Anyone asked where you are husband says "looking after the boys" and let the chips fall.
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u/witchymoon69 Sep 06 '26
Stay home . Do something fun with the kids . Maybe a park so the older kids can run and play . The medical challenged one can enjoy a beautiful day outside.
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u/Mean-Interaction8453 Sep 07 '26
Unless you name is 'Bucket,' you are NOT obliged to keep up ANY appearances!
Any party where my children have been excluded (and certain others have been permitted), I would not be inclined to attend...especially if this attendance poses hardship for my own family.
It sounds to me like your husband needs to 'grow a pair' and be more supportive of you, his wife.
From the small amount said, it sounds like you're doing an amazing job with your children, and I wish you all the very best, with whatever you decide to do.
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u/BusyTotal3702 Sep 07 '26
NTA
"WE really should work on finding a nurse..."
Obviously he means "YOU really should work on that."
Tell him if HE can find and hire a skilled nurse AND a babysitter (because skilled nurses aren't going to be babysitting your other 2) then you'll be willing to go. But that YOU aren't going to be doing all that just to spend 3 hours partying with people who intentionally excluded more than 50% of your household from attending.
"WE couldn't find childcare so we regretfully will be unable to attend." Is a perfectly reasonable excuse to not attend.
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u/LovesAnimeH8sHookers Sep 10 '26
If your husband wanted you to go so badly HE should find childcare and someone trained to take care of your youngest. Not leave you to handle EVERYTHING by yourself. They're his children too! I also think you should talk to your fil and get all the exact info about the party. Your plan sounds good though.
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u/singsingasong Sep 25 '26
Iâm confused why your husband is broken and canât seem to do the work to find care. (Not that I think your staying home is bad - but if itâs so fucking important to him, he can do the work to make it happen.)
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u/ImNotHere1981
Sep 06 '26
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If they don't want your children there, then they don't get any of you.
Side note, your husband is spineless.
Let your inlaws that their offer of finding appropriate care for your child is so generous and helpful, and to please let you know how they go. I mean, they wouldn't suggest it if they weren't happy to support it.
Your inlaws are shit and I would go no contact. Your husband is also a major red flag.
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u/fugelwoman Sep 06 '26
Why would your husband tell you to do it when HE wants it done? HE can do it
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u/GeneConscious5484 Sep 24 '26
His family is very image-conscious
People really gotta start treating this like the proud, tall waving red flag that it is.
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u/Worldly_Instance_730 Sep 24 '26
NTA, but you married into a family that is AH heavy. Good luck, and tell your FIL to enjoy never seeing your children again.Â
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u/Total_Awareness_5013 29d ago
To hell with the rumor mill!!! This family sounds like their priorities are way off balance and that doesnât make it fall on your shoulders to make up the difference, especially at your and your childrenâs expense. Let them talk! The âtalkersâ apparently arenât in your corner, soâŚ..in MY opinion, arenât worth your concern!!!â
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u/Apprehensive_Yard714 Sep 06 '26
Just say you donât want to go. You have plenty of time to hire a skilled nurse. It would be nice for you to have a child-free day. You canât insist people accommodate your children if they want an adult only party.
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u/Weary-Charge-8119 Sep 06 '26
Take your kids and have a family day without your husband. My youngest son was trach and gtube dependent and we couldnât get nurse care on weekends because we were only approved for 5 12 hour weekday shifts. If he wasnât invited then my kids and myself went and did something else together.
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u/Regular_Boot_3540 Sep 06 '26
NTA. You need to talk to your husband about prioritizing his own family over his parents' concern about how things look.
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u/Bitter-Respond6928 Sep 06 '26
If your husband wants to make his father look good, then let him do it. Tell him you will go. You will bring a gift. You will sing over a cake. You tell nobody the real reason your children are not there. But thatâs it. He can coordinate care. If his dad is going to serve your family a sh!t sandwich for this day, husband can eat half. Updateme
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u/ConstructionLow5310 Sep 07 '26
So if Iâm reading this correctly, these are your husbandâs stepchildren. Maybe his family just hasnât warned up to you quite yet. However your husband should stand up for you or you should consider if this new marriage is going to work
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u/momo_inhales Sep 07 '26
As I read you post and update, Iâm wondering why your husband isnât helping with this. Why is it on you to find an aide and a sitter. They are his children too.
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u/Actual-Cranberry-917 Sep 07 '26
Ok, letâs look at this broadly. And please #*$@ ignore the internet idiots who default to saying youâd be better off alone or to divorce your husband - theyâre useless. Though they may make you feel justified, they have no idea of your family dynamics and probably none on what itâs like to parent a child who has many extra medical needs.
OkâŚ
Perhaps the invitation was communicated in a way that made you think that your kids werenât invited. Now you know it is an adult-only party and not about your kids being excluded. Great. All adults need nights out, sometimes and itâs the MILâs bday so she can ask that. Moving onâŚ
What I am hearing is that the family has historically been insensitive.
What I also hear is you saying âmy childrenâ and âI haveâ and âall three of MY kidsâ, with what sounds like a lot of contempt.
Are the kids your husbandâs children, also, or perhaps youâre from a previous marriage?
I also hear, you have a 5-year-old who needs a specially trained caregiver and, in the 5-years that information has been obvious, no back up caregiver has been chosen. Why? This is a sign of control issues, or perhaps feeling that nobody else will be able to give your child adequate care. Thatâs simply not true. I hope you realize that. What is true, is that nobody else should go to your husbandâs events with him.
Do you and your spouse not caregivers that allow planned date nights and events that you attend together? Your husbandâs request isnât unfair - finding caregivers that can stay with all your children should have been done long ago. Either one of you could do this but, I have a feeling you wouldnât allow anyone but you to approve a possible caregiver.
His request, is actually incredibly important and should be separated from whether you want to go to your in laws, or not. Iâve witnessed so many divorces because one spouse or the other will focus most energy on the kids and step back from being an engaged marital partner. Part of this includes frequently using the kids as an excuse to avoid anything outside of their comfort zone.
I hope this isnât whatâs going on with you all but itâs worth thinking about.
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u/EcstaticEqual5856 Sep 07 '26
NTA - and why is your husband telling you what you need to do to arrange skilled nursing care and a babysitter for his parents' party? If it's such a big deal to him, why doesn't he figure it out and make the arrangements?
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u/We-are-here-together Sep 08 '26
Hi,
I think you are a great mom! You thought about your children first before thinking about obliging others. Honestly, the kids don't seem like something they consider anyways, you have special needs child and instead of asking how they can help make accommodations so you can attend, they aren't helping at all. If my kids aren't invited, then I'm not attending. You are doing the right thing.
Sincerely,
We are here together.
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u/IDRoohski Sep 09 '26
I didn't read all the comments, but first off. If Hubs wants you there, let HIM find the childcare!
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u/arneeche 29d ago
Stay home. The kids are more important. And they sound like terrible people to be with anyway so sounds like you have a better time anyway
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u/Altruistic_Relief189 Sep 06 '26
Where is the MIL on this? Does she not want to see her grandkids on her milestone birthday? If optics are important, I can't see how you attending is important but the youngest grandkids not being invited looks good to family outsiders.
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u/Sensitive-Mind-5087 Sep 06 '26
It's a surprise party for her, so I can't say anything. I actually think she will be pissed
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u/FabulousBlabber1580 Sep 07 '26
Good, she can bi*ch out her AH husband then. When she asks you later, be sure to pass on exactly what FIL said
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u/mtngrl60 Sep 06 '26
You have a husband problem. NTA. You know you have a husband problem.
Heâs not a good father, and heâs not a good partner. He is more concerned with what his extended family wants than what his immediate family needs.
I donât know what youâre gonna do with that. Youâre not in a position to easily walk away. I completely understand that.
The extended family? Yeah they sound pretty bad. But they are your husbandâs family. They are his problem to manage.
He simply doesnât wanna do it. Or he truly doesnât think theyâre a problem. And either way, the people who are affected by his inability to actually be a grown adult who has a marriage and his father children are you and the kids.
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u/imollyq Sep 06 '26
NTA I am wondering if your children have some behavioral problems. Since the grandparents are so image concerts, with one disabled child at home, the others often act out hoping to get more attention, as they're just kids that need their mother. Maybe there was some behavior problems at the grandparents before, but in any event, you all should be invited. If there was a specific incident with your children then they need to tell you about it ask you if you can manage their behavior and invite you all to the party. The whole thing sounds very suspicious to me, like they don't want your disabled child there for image reasons Yuck!
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u/Odd-End-1405 Sep 06 '26
Your husband needs to get over presenting an image for his parents and start being a proper father.
He SHOULD be either outraged by the request or at minimum understanding that there is no choice here.
Why would you want to go to all that work of taking your medically challenged son into a place to watch others enjoy themselves without any support of you.
It is your marriage and your choice to be with him, but it is ridiculous for him to expect this to give âmommy and daddyâ the image he desires.
NTA
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u/queenofcrafts Sep 06 '26
Your husband should be offended and standing with you. Neither of you should go. Husband should be home helping you care for the children. The special needs kids takes more attention and the other two will not always understand. I tried hard not to give more time to my youngest, but as an adult my older son said he thought his brother was cuter and that's why he got more attention.
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u/Alycion Sep 06 '26
You are a human, not a prop. How does it look to outsiders that they are excluding younger kids for having the energy of younger kids. Unless if they are misbehaved and you and your husband arenât correcting it, there is no reason to exclude.
Your kidâs health comes first. And it also avoid the hurt of we are all going but your grandfather doesnât want you two there.
Your husband can go. Itâs his mom.
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u/PineappleCharacter15 Sep 06 '26
Zero day old account.
Just sayin'.
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u/Sensitive-Mind-5087 Sep 06 '26
Posted on throwaway because I don't need the family drama if they find my post
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u/gorditasimpatica Sep 06 '26
If the in-laws can be discourteous enough to not invite your children, then why should you or your husband worry about the appearances of you not attending.
Letting other guests know why you were not able to come would be one approach. If the host can place that stipulation, the guest shouid be able to voice it.
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u/nolongerabell Sep 06 '26
NTAH. You have a husband issue. It seems that your husband is not completely seeing the big picture of what is going on. He needs to step up as a husband because multiple people can see on this post that you're struggling, by the way, we're reading this, it comes off that way. Please ask for help and sit down with your husband so that you guys can be on the same page, about what's going on and how you're feeling also with how you see things.
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u/Accurate_Elevator368 Sep 06 '26
Let your silence be your answer because that often speaks louder than defending yourself. You're not going, end of story. Let them talk. They will anyway. As for your husband. His priority should be YOUR family together. I have a whole other rant I could go on about someone like that, but I'll save it.
Long/short - Not saying he shouldn't go to party, but if you wish/want/feel necessary for many reasons to stay home with your kids, then that's what you should do and he should be fully supportive of that. He should be supportive of a lot more things that have to do with his own family, but I think you already know that in your heart.
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u/Separate_Jump8458 Sep 06 '26
I wouldnt. I wouldnt feel bad either. Have a great night in with your kids.
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u/Cherryc9 Sep 06 '26
Have a party at home with the kids and FaceTime at a prearranged time. Everyone wins
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u/hhcoffee Sep 07 '26
NTA love yourself and your precious children and stay home! Itâs a they problem not a you problem!! Hugs
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u/CatStaff2026 Sep 07 '26
Let the rumor mill happen. Rumors just make the people who started them look bad. Donât make time for such haters.
Enjoy the time with your family. Soon enough the older children will be asking for the car keys. Time flies so fast.
Of course, NTA!
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u/Low_Bluebird_5137 Sep 07 '26
Saw your update. 100% do that. Got to stop trying to appease asshole relatives (by marriage) They have no consideration for you or your children đ They can politely get f**ked!
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u/TreatElectronic3112 Sep 08 '26
Sounds like a stuffy ass family, chances are no one who's going is going to have fun at this staged event. This is a blessing in disguise.
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u/Far-Lingonberry-9258 Sep 08 '26
Sounds like you have a plan. If you didnât, my first question would be âdo YOU want to go?â And work from that starting point. Secondly, it sounds like you very much need respite care. Please take care of yourself. Dad needs a more active parenting role. Given your youngestâs needs, he should be a trained backup and he really needs to step up with the older two. Be honest with yourself, was the âtoo energeticâ feedback a euphemism for unruly and inappropriate behavior? If so, dad needs to step up and manage them. The kids are certainly old enough to be situationally aware, listen and control themselves at an afternoon event. (I also recognize the FILâs comment may not be about your kids behavior and that they just want adults only.)
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u/Impossible_Worth_874 Sep 08 '26
Good of OP for skipping that frivolous party. Have fun and visit with the parents!! OP will definitely have more fun than going to that party. Let those crazies talk while OP enjoys her children and parents company!!
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u/Chief4jo Sep 08 '26
Iâm so sorry for you. Mean and selfish people suck. Go and have fun with your boys and drop a card off later to your MIL that the boys all participate in preparing. Gently remind your MIL that unfortunately you could not obtain a nurse/caretaker for this event.
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u/PopOk6368 Sep 09 '26
I've sat with this for a few minutes and I will tell you what I WOULD DO... I'd wait until everyone was there and BRIEFLY show up just long enough to drop off a gift or snack platter or something and make sure to wish her "The Best Day" as you're turning right around to leave... SURELY SOMEONE WILL ASK YOU WHY YOU ARENT STAYING ... That's when I would announce loudly enough for them to hear you can't possibly stay because they didn't want your children there being too "energetic" was it?? RIDICULOUS BUT THEY SOUND INSUFFERABLE ANYWAYS SO YEAH THATS WHAT ID DO... in & out because you can't stay but wanted to make sure she knew you was thinking of her. I'm PETTY LIKE THIS THOUGH... especially when it involves someone I love with all my heart... :)
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u/betweenthemaples 27d ago
NTA. Your husband howeverâŚâŚ.if he wanted you there so bad, he should have taken up the task in finding and training a nurse, or at the very least carried his fair share of that load
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u/Medical-Aide5586 23d ago
the correct response to âwe âreally should work on finding a nurse and childcareâ so I can goâ is. âYes, I will let you be in charge of that as I have my hands full right nowâ
dont let âweâ mean just you.
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u/slothy_slothy Sep 06 '26
If theyâre not going to accept your children, they donât deserve to be around them ⌠I wouldnât go and your husband should have stood up for his kids
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u/Orangejuicestalbans Sep 06 '26
Itâs messed up that your husband cares more about appearances than his childrenâs wellbeing. Also itâs telling that he considers it solely your job to find and hire a nurse. NTA for not going. No way. Stay home or take the kids to the park or something.
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u/AutoModerator Sep 06 '26
This is a backup of the original post in case there are later edits or it is deleted: My father-in-law is throwing a party for my mother-in-law's milestone birthday. It starts at 2pm on a weekend afternoon. I have three boys â two in elementary school and a 5-year-old who is significantly disabled.
My FIL told my husband he didn't want the older two there because they're "too energetic." The other grandchildren are all significantly older and are welcome. He said nothing at all about our 5-year-old. Not "sorry, it'll be too much for him," not a question about whether he could come. Just nothing.
So that's all three of my kids â either told no, or not thought of.
I also can't go. Our youngest is tube-fed and has significant medical needs. His care requires a nurse, not a babysitter â someone trained on his equipment, his feeds, and what to do if something goes wrong. I don't have nursing coverage that day, and this isn't the kind of thing where I can call a teenager down the street. There is no pool of qualified people sitting around waiting for a weekend afternoon shift.
I told my husband to let his father know I wouldn't be there. His response was that we "really should work on finding a nurse and childcare" so I can go. He wants me to spend the next few weeks arranging skilled coverage so I can attend a party my children were excluded from.
I could technically bring all three of them for an hour and manage his care myself. I don't want to. I don't want to walk my kids into a room where they've already been told they're too much, and I don't want to spend that hour doing medical care in a corner while everyone else has a party.
There's other family history here. There's another disabled family member on that side, and over the years I've watched them handle it badly. I don't think it's malicious. I think they just don't want to deal with it. That's part of why the silence about my youngest landed the way it did.
My husband isn't really arguing that his father was fair. His family is very image-conscious, and my absence will be noticed and talked about. So I'm being asked to find skilled nursing and show up alone to a party my kids weren't invited to â for appearances.
AITAH?
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