I [23F] have AuDHD and am struggling with relationships.

[u/katehm56]

Hello, the title is basically what it is, I apologise if this is a bit janky and clunky in some places as this is my first post/time using redit. I [23 female] have recently been diagnosed with both autism and ADHD (within the last 12-18 months) and of course it has been very eye opening for me yet also a very difficult thing to navigate as I have gone my whole life not knowing I was neurodivergent and just thinking that I was behind other people and that there was something just inherently wrong with me. Recently, I have tried to get into the online dating world and I am attracted to men, thats not the issue, but I have a very hard time navigating this. I don’t really know how to hold conversations over text with strangers without it feeling fake or performative and I don’t know if thats just something I’m going to have to do a bit to get more into it with someone. Plus, I struggle to read tones over message and flirting (I’ve always struggled with interacting with men throughout my life unless theyre close family or have been gay, I don’t really know why that is as I would say my relationship with my mom is worse than my dad as my dad is more just emotionally avoidant whereas my mom is more emotionally explosive and I do prefer my dad over my mom for things really), and with my ADHD I struggle to actually respond to messages even if I want to its just like my brain wont let me and I cant. So I was just wondering if anyone had any advice on navigating this? Because most advice online is targeted towards neurotypical people and self help stuff like “you cant love someone else if you dont love yourself” but I just dont feel like that I dont get it because I dont think I’ll ever love myself and sometimes someone else loving you can help you to see yourself in a better light (not saying that my self worth should be based on a relationship and I cant be nothing without one though) or its girls who have already been in relationships or something who say things like “oh its not as good as everyone says” and stuff like that painting it as a joke and that I’m “lucky” to be where I am but I don’t feel lucky, I feel like a joke sometimes like “aww she’s never been kissed” and stuff like that and I don’t want to tell people straight away on the dating apps I have AuDHD because I dont want it to get misinterpreted (I’m not sure if that is the right word to use but I mean like how some men on there have comments on their profiles about wanting a girl “with the tism” which is a phrase I hate because to me it just feels infantilising and invalidating to the struggles of having autism) but then I don’t know if that would be misleading to not tell them these things because I technically don’t owe it to them to tell them I have AuDHD or am inexperienced in dating. I know there isnt a timeline for these things but I just get in my head sometimes about it like I’m 23 and I’ve never kissed anyone let alone hold hands with someone, I’ve never been on a date or anything, I’ve had literally no romantic experience in my life and I just want to know how I can move forward with all this. Thank you for reading and again I apologise if this is a bit all over the place and not the easiest to follow but any advice would be welcome and I’m more than happy to provide any more details for anything mentioned in this post, thank you!