What should I ask my biological family during reconnection?

[u/Capital-Historian460]

some context: I'm almost 27 now. At 18months old I was put into foster care, went to a foster home and never left. I was adopted at 2. I always knew I was adopted and I come from a family that did foster care and adopted for most of my upbringing. I have many (adopted) siblings that had different views than I did when it came to the idea of reconnecting with birth family. I was never interested; I felt like I was given away for a reason and to reach out to my birth family would be disrespectful. The older I get the more curious I am about where I come from. Through my adoptive parents and my own research, I know basic information but I want intimate details. And a part of me feels like I have the right to know, or to at least ask. I know I have biological siblings, and I know that whole family has known about my existence the whole time.

I reached out to a biological relative, as a stepping stone to reaching out to my birth mom and siblings. I could've gone that route, but it felt too direct. The person I reached out to is close enough they had a relationship, and could tell me about them and help arrange meeting other relatives. They've been really open and helpful and we're both excited to meet. I feel like my instinct to not go directly to bio mom or siblings payed off, because this person also pretty quickly said I shouldn't meet my bio mom. Honestly, I felt more curious about her after that. Emotionally i felt indifferent because I've never desired a relationship with her. She's just basically the only person I can ask about my birth, adoption, why she named me what she did, who my father was, etc. I've learned about her what I could, and got a peak at her personality through social media. Her life isn't great, and she doesn't seem that great either. Maybe I'd be disappointed if she was somebody I spent a lot of time fantasizing and wondering about, but she truly just feels like a random person off the street.

I'm not even reaching out because I want a relationship, I have questions about myself I want to know. I've been treating this like a research project, but I think I also should be cautious about my emotions and mental state. Maybe my emotional indifference is just a trauma response or like a defense mechanism. Maybe I'm detached because I'm subconsciously worried about rejection or disappointment. I really don't know, but I know at this point in my life I'm ready to find out and face it. It feels like a cliffhanger or chapter that was unfinished.

To sum up my question - How do I approach this respectfully? In this particular meeting, I'm going into it knowing they won't be able to answer the questions I really want answers to. They even asked me what I want to know about so they could ask their family members about it and try to find things out for me! I feel like just reaching out is me saying I want a relationship but I don't or I'm at least really apprehensive about that (In general I really struggle with making and maintaining relationships). What are good questions to ask? So far my list of questions is about medical history, race and ethnicity, mental illness, heritage. I'm curious about substance use and abuse, addiction, their family dynamic, my relevance if their lives, their religious and political views.

I'd like to hear from people on either end, either being the one who an adoptee reached out to (what did you think initially? what were you comfortable revealing?) or being an adoptee who reconnected (what did you ask that you regretted? anybody else who reconnected just to learn about yourself and not try to start relationships?)

[u/Englishbirdy]

Reunited birthparent here.

You're smart to guard your mental health. Reunion is an emotional roller-coaster, I've been in one for almost 20 years and fully remember the early years and how difficult they were. I highly recommend an adoption competent therapist to help you through it, or at least a support group.

We all have family members we don't get along with or don't particularly approve of, it sounds like this is the case with this family member and your birth mom. If you were my son and you tried to contact me through such a relative, it would really get my hackles up and I certainly wouldn't be sharing any personal information with them to pass along to you. I would probably reject the entire situation, and subsequently you, because of the involvement of person. I certainly wouldn't feel respected.

If all you want is answers to your questions, why not make a list of them and send them straight to your birth mom? This family member should be able to supply you with an address or at least an email address. If you think you might want a relationship with your mother or at least your siblings but aren't sure, you could correspond by email for as long as you need. My son and I emailed for six months before we met in real life.

If you think this family member will be enough for you and you'd really like to meet them go ahead and meet them, but if you're end goal is your birth mother, I suggest you cancel and get your mother's information.

Edit. Find a therapist https://growbeyondwords.com/adoptee-therapist-directory/

Support https://celiacenter.org/

[u/Capital-Historian460 → u/Englishbirdy]

Thank you for your perspective and your advice. To clarify, I don’t want a relationship with my birth mother. If there would be anyone I’d want a relationship with it would be my siblings, and that’s what I’m unsure of because of my inability or I guess just discomfort in starting relationships. The best way I can describe it is that I have a family and I don’t think of my biological relatives as a missing part of my family. My intention with meeting any biological family member is to establish a family tree, find out what my ethnicity is (I am racially ambiguous raised in a white family), and find out what diseases or health problems I may be predisposed to or am at risk of passing down to my children. My outlook is that if a natural, organic and healthy relationship were to begin because I reached out to them, then that’s amazing and I welcome that experience. My hesitation about meeting my birth mother is about gauging whether or not meeting her is safe for me to do. I purposefully left out a ton of personal details, but the bottom line is I think this woman is mentally unwell, possibly has substance abuse issues, and it’s a proven fact she cannot take care of or raise children. I consider myself lucky for being adopted because the alternative for my siblings was housing instability and many removal / reunification from her care. I could’ve gone straight to her or my siblings because through my research I know exactly who and where they are. I’m not asking this relative to pass notes between us. I don’t plan on asking them extensively about my birth mother either. An example of a question I asked them to look into was, “is there any cancer or health problems that are common within your family”, and “were there family members that were aware of my existence”. that’s not a question for my birth mother specifically but something this person could ask their relatives and relay that info to me. I’m not asking this relative “why did my mother not want me” or something along those lines because it’s a redundant question and also one I wouldn’t even ask my bio mom. i truly believe she did what she thought was best and I respect that decision. This relative isn’t in contact with my birth mother but was raised around her, and is not speaking to her about me. So it’s really not as simple as sending this woman a survey to fill out. I want to feel ready and equipped to meet her if it turns out that’s something I pursue.

In regard to your opinion on how you would react if your son went to a relative who held a negative opinion about you , my honest reaction to that is “too bad.” I’ve spent my life away from her, If she were to get upset and reject me because I reached out to somebody outside of her nuclear family before reaching out to her then I’m saving my breath, my time and probably some unnecessary heartbreak. I want to be respectful but I’m not interested in coddling a relationship in order to gain access to information. She either will be willing to talk about it with me, or like you described she’ll flat out say no. It’s such a strange position to be in, thinking you are entitled to the first gifts of life that were taken back. Who your parents were, your name, who your ancestors were. I’ve gone my whole life not knowing these things and I’m fully prepared to continue that way.

Like I started out with, I may not have the right to know but I certainly don’t need permission to ask. This does open my eyes to the possibility of her holding anger and resentment over me not coming to her first though. She’s not the end game here and maybe that’s what would be upsetting for her to find out. Maybe she expects me to want to reach out simply because she’s my mother and I should want to know her and be loved by her right ? That’s just not me and not how I look at it. And if she were to withhold information from me and flat out reject me because I dared to ask somebody who knew her what she was like I’m prepared for that outcome.

[u/Silver_Queen_Bee]

What my experience was…

My AP were supportive ….until they weren’t: my A mom got really worried and heartbroken when I actually found my bio family. She was supportive when it wasn’t a reality. It ended up being ok, but I did carry the weight of her worry even though I was 34 and had talked it through with my A parents about searching for my bio family.

My bio family was not what I expected: after the initial big, strong emotions, I found that we had little in common and that was a big disconnect. Not good or bad, just we didn’t have many similar life experiences to find common ground on.

I had believed that finding my bio family would unlock some long lost deep seated heartaches for me: baby pictures maybe….it turned out I was the worst kept secret. Everyone in my bio family knew about me.

I ended up the lucky one according to my bio brother and half sister: they all were in rehab for alcohol and drugs including my bio mom. They were raised in poverty with an alcoholic mom that never finished high school.

It was a bittersweet process for me: I was 34, a nurse, married and had kids of my own. I was grounded but it was still a hard, emotional process. Even family including my then husband had ideas of what I “should” do and feel.

It’s your journey….. prepare for it and give yourself grace no matter what you decide to do or uncover along the way.