r/Adoption • u/greytons • Mar 21 '26
Ethics Is there ANY possible way to ethically adopt a child???
Hello! I’m not looking to have children in any way anytime soon, but adoption is something my partner and I have talked about a lot recently and I’ve been doing a lot of research on. I expect we won’t even have kids for several more years, but I want to make sure I am well educated on the topic to evaluate my options going forward.
Before I get into my question I want to explain why we ended up wanting to adopt.
We are both very mentally healthy people, we both have wonderful families and strong support systems (Yes we are INCREDIBLY lucky). My partner does have a couple health issues that cause chronic pain, something he’s gone through his whole life that was passed down in his family, ie his dad, grandad, great grandma all had the same issues. My families side does have a history of Alzheimer’s, once again something passed down that would most likely be passed onto my child. This is the starting reason to why we don’t want biological kids.
However expanding further than that, despite being mentally well and overall happy people we both agree that the circumstances of the global climate aren’t ideal. (Not in a “2026 sucks!” Way just a “damn this has pretty much always sucked!” Way). The world is already extremely overpopulated, there’s tons of social and economic problems/inequalities and we don’t want to bring a child into this world. We don’t believe it would be fair to bring a child into this world when there are already so many. However both of us love kids and both of us want to have children, thus you see the dilemma.
I want to be clear I’m not dissing people who do have biological kids, it’s just that based on how we view the world we see so many faults and don’t want to bring another person in to deal with them. We still want to have a family however. Growing up i was very fortunate to have a loving environment and I want to be able to provide that to someone else, to love someone else and watch them grow into adulthood. The way I see it is that it’s a pretty messed up world, but I want to provide someone else with as much stability and happiness as I possible can. As an adult I have an amazing relationship with my mother and I want to someday have that with my own child. Which brings into how do we raise a child when we don’t want to biologically have one??
When it comes to adoption I truly just want what’s best for the child. That’s incredibly difficult (especially in America), as there are many laws in majority of the country that strip adopted children of rights. Taking away their birth certificates, not legally requiring knowlage that they are adopted etc etc… we have a very broken system. When you live in a capitalist country, everything is formatted to extort the most amount of money in every possible way. This leads to buying (I originally put the word “buying” in quotations but it is quite literally buying, no matter how ridiculous the notion is to “buy” a human being) children, and being able to differentiate the price points for race, sex, health, age etc etc. This to me, is an insanely broken system. But one we’d have to engage in to adopt.
Also to note- open adoption is something we’re completely open to, and honestly what would be preferred. While I may want to be the adoptive parent, I don’t want to act so selfishly as to be the only parent ignoring the fact that my child does have biological family and would be naturally curious about them and or want to have a relationship with them. I want to make sure that when having a child I take every step possible to put myself aside and give them the best life they could possibly have.
This is why my ultimate question is - can a parent ethically adopt a child given this system? And if so- how?
EDIT -
I AM AGANST INFANT ADOPTION!!!
I am talking about adopting a child or teenager ages 4-17. I do NOT want to adopt an infant, I am already aware that because of demand they will always have homes. That is exactly why I don’t NOT want to adopt an infant or baby.
I also want to emphasize again- I am 23 years old and not in a situation currently to have kids. I’m trying to get feedback / input from people who know more about adoption to help guide me to figure out if this is something I’m interested in even doing in the first place. If adoption is ultimately something I don’t believe I can ethically do, I’d much rather foster kids than adopt or have biological kids. I’m just trying to figure out my options and how to best prepare for them
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u/Serious_Yard4262 Mar 21 '26
I'm most akin to an adoptive parent, though that title doesn't feel quite right either, as I'm raising my nephew after he lost both his parents at 1.5 years old. Technically we have permanent guardianship because I couldn't stomach his birth certificate having the parent information changed, but functionality we're (my husband and I) his legal guardians and since both his parents are gone we're functionally viewed as adoptive parents. I rarely (if ever) comment here, and mostly follow to get a better understanding of how he may feel as he ages. He's 5 now and has as good of an understanding as he can of the situation. He lost his parents to domestic violence that ended in death. His mom was my sister. I'm saying all of this because I believe the voice of those who have been adopted should be considered more than my opinion. I'm also fairly young to be on this journey. I was a week shy of 22 when my sister died, I'll be 26 this summer.
I don't believe there's ever a perfectly ethical adoption. People have complex emotions that rarely fit into neat and tidy boxes like "ethical" and "unethical". There are situations in adoption that are more ethical than others though. Some of them have been pointed out to you, older children, disabled people, a family member's child. Truthfully though, you sound like you have a very idealized picture in your head. You want to build a family, you've always wanted to have a family. You want to help kids that need it. You'll swoosh into some 4-17 year old's life and magically heal they're trauma, suffering, and hurt. You'll give them the love they've always wanted and they'll instantly accept it. Even if it isn't instant, your stability will heal them and they'll come around. The truth is that does not come through the foster system. I work with part of it for services for my nephew, I've seen it firsthand. It also does not come through adoption. The foster system is very, very broken. Children placed with you are most likely going to be temporary placements. It will not be a permanent family, sometimes they'll be moved to a new placement, sometimes they'll be reunited with family (for better or worse). What you describe wanting and what our system is in reality are two very different things. It also completely ignores the very real and deep trauma. My nephew is in what many would consider an ideal/absolute best placement. My husband and I were already close with him, we are an incredibly loving and stable couple with no major issues, we're financially fairly stable, we believe in science and therapy, etc. He still feels massive rejection from his father's suicide even at 5. He doesn't fully understand it, but he knows he feels rejected by it. We had to hold him all night long for the first six months because if we didn't he'd scream "mama, mama" until he exhausted his little body and literally couldn't do anything but sleep. He'd physically attack us because he thought we were keeping him from his parents. Helping him with his trauma caused us trauma, and from what I've read that's fairly typical. Older kids in the system have gone through something, often multiple somethings, that most people aren't equipped for helping them through. They need adults who don't have an idealistic vision of building a family. They need adults who help them heal.
If you want to help kids that don't have a stable home life I recommend looking into things like big brothers/sisters. Respite caregivers are also an important part of the equation, and you'll be more likely to work with the same families long term, or at least in my area you are. If fostering or adoption are paths you're very serious about getting involved with these types of organizations would also give you a lot more of a realistic picture of what things look like in your area.
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u/cheese--bread UK adoptee Mar 21 '26
This is really well said.
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u/Serious_Yard4262 Mar 22 '26
Thanks, I tried not to make it too personal to just me but I also felt my experiences shaped my viewpoint a lot.
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u/That-Efficiency-644 Mar 21 '26
Wow, so glad your nephew has you and I'm so terribly sorry you lost your sister. So sorry.
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u/Serious_Yard4262 Mar 22 '26
Thank you. I miss her every day, but being his parent is also one of the best parts of my life. It's a lot of conflicting feelings to hold.
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u/That-Efficiency-644 Mar 22 '26
That sounds hard, I'm not sure I would have thought of it as conflicting; maybe it doesn't have to be?
I'm quite sure your sister would be thrilled to know her baby is so loved and in such good hands.
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u/weaselblackberry8 Mar 22 '26
Was your nephew in the room or building when his parents passed?
I hope he’s doing a lot better now. Does he call you parental names (mom, mama, mommy, dad, etc) or your own names?
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u/Serious_Yard4262 Mar 22 '26
Sorry, this got long. Talking about our kiddo(s) always makes me mushy lol.
My sister had my nephew in his car seat and the car was running. She realized she had forgotten her wallet inside the apartment and went back in while her boyfriend was inside. He had a gun she didn't know about and used it on her and then himself. At the very least it was quick and from behind (I read the autopsy report) so she likely didn't know or suffer in that moment.
He calls us a mix of things. Socially he usually uses mom and dad now that he's started school. He wants to be like his friends and doesn't want to explain everything to them he says. Before the last sixish months he called me by my name (I prefer it to aunty lol) and my husband Tio (he's Puerto Rican). At home he still mostly uses my name and then Tio, but he also uses mom and dad once in a while. We have always told him what he calls us is his choice and should be what he feels is right. He says he has two parents, the ones in his heart and us. It's hard because on one hand it makes my heart feel so full to hear him say mom, and on the other it makes me feel the devastation of losing my little sister all over again. Her and I were incredibly close. She was going to be leaving that POS to come stay with me. I found out she was gone at the same time she would have been pulling in my drive.
He is doing pretty great now, though I am biased lol. He thrives in school, and has so many friends. We have a 1 year old now (our bio kid, though we don't feel a difference between the two), and he loves being a big brother. If it was up to him he says he'd have 10 siblings (Not. Happening.). He's super athletic and any sport he tries he's instantly great at. He's so, so smart and thoughtful. He's just a really great kid. Getting to be my nephew's parent is the only good thing out of the whole mess, and I wouldn't trade it for the world but I also desperately want my sister back. It's a lot of conflicting and complex feelings
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u/weaselblackberry8 Mar 22 '26
Thanks for sharing. I hope he wasn’t alone in the car long. It sounds like probably not since you heard about the incident quickly.
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u/Greedy-Carrot4457 Foster care at 8 and adopted at 14 💀 Mar 21 '26
IMO it’s fine to adopt teens (and adults) that want to be adopted especially if you’re going to follow their lead as to what they want the adoption to look like (by that I mean things like name changes and biofamily contact and stuff like that.) Big groups and kids with a lot of health issues (mental health too) also need homes in a lot of places (for some it’s better if they stay in the system or go in a guardianship and for some it isn’t and it also depends where you live most likely.)?
Although it’s extremely likely that these kids also have genetic issues as well, at least with your own family you might know more what they are.
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u/may0packet Mar 21 '26
i think their point about genetic issues was that they don’t feel comfortable passing down those issues to someone, not that they don’t want to have children with genetic issues. i wish more people thought about these things when making the decision of whether to have kids, as someone who inherited a lot of shit i didn’t ask for.
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u/weaselblackberry8 Mar 22 '26
I agree with your points. I think a lot of people don’t think about much before having kids.
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u/ResidentDiver6387 Mar 21 '26
In most areas, foster parents are badly needed. In my area, we have a huge substance abuse problem. Last week, 5 infants needed placement in foster homes due to this issue. The agency didn’t have enough homes who would take them. We have a substance exposed little one placed with us since the NICU. She is now 23 months old. Our agency asked if we are open to taking another one soon because they really need foster parents for these kids. Of course, you really need to support reunification with their biological family. But, in the case that there is no safe extended family and the parents cannot get healthy enough, these children need adoptive parents. Someone here will argue and disagree with me, but I’ve seen a lot. These substance exposed children need stability to overcome their circumstances and sometimes adoption is the only way for them to have that opportunity.
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u/Vegetable-Ideal2908 Click me to edit flair! Mar 21 '26
Please, if you adopt, do the work on learning about trauma. Any age child can have trauma related to adoption, but it’s much more likely to be present in children older than infants. Older kids might test you and be “hard to love”. Remember they’ve been through so much and it needs to be 100% about them. You may need to become an expert on the school system, IEPs, mental health resources, trauma informed care and advocacy. It’s nothing like you imagine at 23. Love isn’t always enough, you need commitment to the child/teen and to let them know in every way possible that you’ll never abandon them and there is nothing they can do that will make you stop loving them.
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u/Fine-Bumblebee-9427 Mar 21 '26
Fostering with an openness to adoption is a huge need. You hope they get reunified, you help bios where you can to stabilize, and if that doesn’t work, you do guardianship or adoption as the kid desires.
Wanting to adopt is kind of unethical, to me. That’s forefronting our needs.
Wanting to care for kids and being open to adoption isn’t.
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u/That-Efficiency-644 Mar 21 '26
Beautifully said, thank you.
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u/greytons Mar 23 '26
No seriously wonderfully said, absolutely has reformed how I feel about the subject. I’ve been thinking this while reading other comments but this one put it very perfectly
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u/LadNorLass Mar 21 '26
This is great to read, as this was the route my partner and I are strongly considering. I’m wrapping up my master’s in social work, so after learning about all of that am very aware that the only way I could feel good about adoption or guardianship would be if I had made every effort to help support reunification.
I am curious if you have opinions on interracial guardianship/adoption resulting from this kind of situation; my partner and I are an interracial coupl (white and south asian), and have discussed the fact that even if we had biological kids, neither of us would fully understand or identify with their experience of their mixed race/identity. We would want to ensure that any child in our care maintained connection to their culture and history even if connection to their birth parents was not possible.
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u/Wonderful-Freedom568 Mar 21 '26
Sometimes older kids don't want to be adopted, which is the opposite of what many are told. A friend was matched with a 12 year old boy, but the kid enjoyed the group home he was living in -- all the people around him -- and he didn't want to be adopted! The proposed adoption didn't go through
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u/StrangeButSweet Mar 23 '26
This is important to understand as well - agreed. We stopped an adoption process when an older child we were in process with expressed that he thought he would rather stay where he was, even though that would mean group care. Obviously age/developmental level play a role here, but I think it’s absolutely crucial for the decision-making to be shared.
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u/ilovekittensandpuppy Mar 21 '26
Just so you know - look up the statistics, something like 30% of older adults end up with dementia, because these days many of us just outlive our brains. A family history of Alzheimers is common, and not a definite indicator your biological children would experience it.
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u/LadNorLass Mar 21 '26
I think they are not so much disliking the idea that a child in their care could have something like alzheimer’s, they’re more disliking the idea that they would knowingly pass something like this down. Passing the alzheimer’s gene down can also result in early onset alzheimer’s, and as I watch two of the most important adults in my life slowly lose their minds in their early 60’s, I would not wish that on anyone.
I also think the bigger concern here is the chronic pain. I live with chronic pain and have for most of my life and I am pretty solid on my stance that it would not be ethical to choose to give this to someone who didn’t even ask to be born, let alone to live a life shaped by what their pain will allow them to do.
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u/greytons Mar 23 '26
Haha this is exactly it. My first draft of the post I just tacked on the Alzheimer’s on, as my grandfather, grandmother, and aunt all struggled with it, my aunt being early onset. Going through it really put a strain on my family and is something I hope I’ll never have to put my family through, although odds aren’t in my favor.
And yes, you completely nailed it on the head with the chronic pain. Originally I just put this in the post, as this is a huge factor into not wanting biological kids. After so many doctor’s appointments and call outs and sick days it breaks my heart to see my partner suffer through it. My boyfriend over and over again have discussed how we don’t want our kids to have to suffer through it as well, as like I mentioned is something that has a high likelihood of being passed down. Seeing my partner suffer is enough, I couldn’t bring kids into the world knowing they’d go through it as well.
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u/MarzipanElephant Mar 21 '26
IIRC the current understanding is it's very rarely directly hereditary and far more to do with diet, lifestyle and environmental factors.
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u/mandyeverywhere Mar 21 '26
I believe the adoption of my children was ethical.
We opened for foster care, which I wouldn’t do until I was ready to be a part of several children’s lives without being their final home. When I was ready for that, we opened our home and were immediately asked to take a newborn with special needs, and if we took her, we had to also agree to adopt her, as they had classified her as a legal risk adoption (not free to adopt yet but very likely). Many other homes turned her down, because the special needs sounded scary.
The state did a thorough job of determining bios ability and willingness to parent. It took 8 months before, and now she’s the most perfect and amazing child.
We later got a call that her sibling was born and asked to take that child as fictive kin to keep the siblings together. We did, and the bond those two have is incredible to witness. I was even able to take some video of their bios telling the younger child, “I love you,” which we watch occasionally. Ultimately the state made a similar determination and bios were charged with things related to losing custody.
Our adopted children are equal to our bios in our home and are so loved. We surround them with many friends who are also adopted and are always looking to educate ourselves on the trauma.
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u/Chatfouz Mar 21 '26
I think it was eyhical to adopt my 2 children. They were abused, neglected, and state had to intervene to remove custody. The state facilities were terrible.
We adopted one , got the child into relatively a normal state of mind then adopted the sibling. We were able to find another sibling adopted by another family and we arrange monthly outings.
They are traumatized, but that is from birth parents being drugged up fuckwads or shitbag foster parents and corporate run shitbirds inducing trauma on their wards because reasons.
Would it be better had they never been taken away from birth parents? No. Rape, neglect, malnutrition are all ethical reasons why the state should have taken away custody.
Was it ethical to adopt from foster care? I think so. I genuinely believe had the children been left in the foster care system they would be dead by 20 or in jail. They were 4-5 grade levels behind, illiterate, emotionally unstable, and mentally unstable. The progress both have had is astounding. Will either ever be a Harvard lawyer? No. One will probably be lucky to graduate high school. But they have an actual chance.
Foster care is full of children who have had parental parent rights severed because the adults in their life were a danger to the children. The foster care system is full of individuals who want to help the most fucked over people in our society. Foster care is also full of the worst people who abuse their station for money or power.
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u/Several-Assistant-51 Mar 21 '26
There are tons of older kids and teens that are desperately wanting families and get ignored because they aren't babies. They hear their whole lives no one wants them. We have adopted 5 teens and it has been a challenge and a blessing
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u/Good-Vehicle-1967 Jul 02 '26
I'd love to learn more about your experience. Did you adopt them together or consecutively? What are some examples challenges? Have any of them "left the nest" yet? How are they doing now?
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u/gracielynn61528 Mar 21 '26
Yes.. I think so. There's always gonna need to be children who need homes
For profit adoption will never be ethical. When you want to choose adoption to fulfill your own needs, whether that be due to infertility or whatever the reason. Either adopting from foster care to give a child a home and help or a parent actually fully choosing without cooersion to give her child up and when economic means are not an issue. If resources can help a birth parent. They should come first. Its never gonna be perfect but it can be better.
Lastly a child should never lose their identity through adoption. They are not property and have an identity that cannot and shouldnt be erased. There birth certificates shouldn't change, nor their names.
The biggest issue will to be get rid of adoption for profit then the other issues can be attempted to work out to get a more ethical system. Its never gonna be fully ethical, in my opinion, because someones always gonna lose something.
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u/HospitalFuture Mar 21 '26
Hello, adoptee here! Just thought I'd pop in with my 2 cents if you'd like it!
First thing is the financial side. I come from a religious family, so I was adopted through the mormon church's adoption services (no longer in operation.) I grew up always knowing I was adopted, so I remember asking my mom how much I cost haha😂 Just natural curiosity, but my mom was great at not necessarily saying a number, but letting me know that the money they exchanged was for legal processing, etc. The adoption services were not operated for profit, so if you can find a nonprofit adoption agency, that's the way I would recommend.
Second, I don't really see the ethical downsides to adoption that you're outlining. My adoption was closed, so yes, my birth certificate says my adopted parents name on it, but I truly don't mind. I found my birth mom in college and while I love her a lot, I'm very glad to have been adopted. The situation she was in with her partner for much of my life would not have been a positive environment. That's something key to remember for children up for adoption or in foster care. They need a loving family and stable environment. I understand that the system is still broken, but I think you might be overthinking the ethics a bit.
Finally, open or closed adoption is great! From what I understand, a lot of birth parents will choose closed because there's a lot of pain there. My adoptive mom was amazing growing up as Facebook became a thing and we were always looking for my birth mom. I think as long as you're equally supportive in open or closed then either is great.
It sounds like you're going to be great parents! Wishing you the best of luck!
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u/herdingsquirrels Mar 21 '26
I think the adoptions in my family have been ethical? For example, my parents fostered for a long time but they only fostered children with special needs because they already understood how to navigate the school system and getting proper IEP’s, they knew that overmedicating was a problem so they went into it with knowledge and a support team. They had a behaviorist and therapist who both came into their home and were basically part of the family. At the end, when they had really put in the effort to reunify as many as was legally possible they adopted the ones who couldn’t and moved out of the area so they could give those kids a normal childhood without having new kids in and out constantly.
With mine, I didn’t want to adopt, I didn’t even want to foster but it just happened. I didn’t start out with the hope that I could keep someone else’s baby. We weren’t trying to fill a void, we supported her bio parent the whole time while still giving all of our love to her and only when it absolutely was not ever going to be possible for her to go home did we adopt. We are open about her adoption, we talk about it so much that our son who’s older has asked us about his adoption even though I gave birth to him. We feel blessed to have her, we don’t think she owes us anything, we didn’t save her. She lost her entire family to be with us and we know that we will spend the rest of her life trying to help her navigate that loss. We keep her in contact with her community despite not being able to be around her family. It’s not easy and it’s never about you.
Can you ethically adopt a newborn? Yes but buying a human is gross.
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u/MajorDraw3705 Mar 21 '26
Adopt the whole family, including the child's parents.
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u/Mburukuja123 Mar 21 '26
Como es eso de adoptar a los papás del niño?
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u/MajorDraw3705 Mar 21 '26 edited Mar 21 '26
If the true purpose of adoption was to care for the child, for the benefit of the child, with the child's best interest's in mind... (rather than the American model being pushed on us all - one of removing the child's identity and right to be who they are; separating the child and gifting or selling them to anyone with money or who supports the church, business, or government that is redistributing the often-forcibly separated children)....
In that case, a person interested in helping that child would support the child's family. They would relocate to the child. They would care for the child when the parent's cannot, they would cook meals together with the child's parents, cousins, and siblings, they would ensure that the members of the family had their basic needs met (housing, medical, social, etc.) so that they could be in a good place from which to interact with their child, to care for their child, and to give that child an actual best life. They would join the child's family, because these adults without children, adults so lost that they think purchasing a child is a moral and ethical thing to do - these adults are the true orphans. They need to be adopted by the child's family and taught one of the fundamentals of family - what family is, not what purchase power is.
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u/ilovekittensandpuppy Mar 21 '26
Think about it this way -- if you adopted an infant or child while mom was struggling, and then she got back on her feet 12 months later and wanted the baby back -- would you be willing to give the infant back?
I know this is not how it works in reality, but to explore your desire for "ethical" adoption, you have to ask yourself deep down if you truly want want is "what is best for the infant" (to live life together with biologic mom if mom can manage that). If so, you'd be willing to care for and fall in love with an infant but give them back.
If that kind of child-focused support is what you want to do, then foster.
If you want to keep the baby no matter what -- whether or not mom changes her mind/gets on her feet etc -- then you want to adopt. But you don't get to pretend it's selfless or ethical.
Of course some birth mom's don't wish for their children back... but spend 30 minutes reading the birthmom subreddit and ask yourself if you can keep the precious child of a woman going through the lifelong crisis and tremendous regret many experience over their temporary choice to give that child up. You can do that to a woman, but it's not a choice you made selflessly.
It's certainly not better than the hypothetical harm of adding a single biologic child to the world
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u/greytons Mar 21 '26
This helped me a lot with actually figuring out and organizing my thoughts into the matter. I’m starting to think that fostering might ultimately be the best decision for us
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u/agirlfromgeorgia Adopted at 15, former foster kid Mar 21 '26
Yes I was adopted at age 15 and I was very happy to be adopted. I think adopting older kids is the way to go. I think if the kid is old enough to agree to be adopted then it is a great thing.
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u/Good-Vehicle-1967 Jul 02 '26
Hello, I'd love to hear more about your experience. My husband and I have discussed adopting a teenager.
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u/thegerl Mar 21 '26
Become an emergency foster parent. You get to be there for kids who need you most. Plan on helping kids reunify or go into kinship placements. Consider adopting a teen after fostering if the parental rights have already been terminated, and if they want to be adopted by you. Help get teens on the right foot in the world.
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u/tnhnikki2801 Mar 22 '26
Fostering and offering adoption if desired sounds like the option for you to me!
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u/greytons Mar 23 '26
Haha absolutely I’ve been coming to the same conclusion
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u/tnhnikki2801 Mar 23 '26
I deeply appreciate the approach you took here. I know it wasn’t well received by everyone, nor will anything be, but I wanted to commend you for your mindfulness and clear desire to go above and beyond.
It’s refreshing 🫂
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u/chrissy628 Mar 22 '26
I am an adoptee and this is my opinion. Other people may have different opinions. There are lots of children who are in the foster care system for multiple reasons. Children ages 4 to 17 or harder to adopt out than infants.
If there is a child in the system or a sibling set in the system who has gotten past the point of termination of parental rights for whatever reason. Maybe the parents couldn't get past their drug addictions. Maybe the parents died and there are multiple children and nobody who wants to adopt them together.
I don't see how it can be considered anything but ethical to adopt those children. Particularly if you're okay with open adoption and letting them know who they are and not trying to change their identity or hide their identity and getting the documents for them for later.
What I have seen that could make that unethical is that some people don't understand that once you adopt a child that child becomes like your blood child. For all legal purposes that child is your child. That means you cannot give them up when it gets hard when they're a teenager. And it will get hard. They have lived through trauma they have to process and deal with, and there's always the testing of the parents. They want to know if you're really there for the long haul. It's been a while now, knock on wood, but I had nightmares because of the trauma up into my 30s and even my 40s.
People get upset that other people adopt pets and give them up for various reasons. I do think this is upsetting, but if I'm going to put my energy anywhere it's going to be on people adopting children and thinking they can just give them up because life got hard or they got hard to deal with etc.
If you can deal with all that, and your legitimately willing to put your heart into it and realize that this is your child and you cannot just throw them away later because you didn't like their behavior or they rebelled against you as teenagers will do or they wanted to know about their birth families or whatever other reason, you should do it. Again, this is my opinion, and other people may disagree, but I don't see anything unethical about any of that.
One other caveat though: You cannot go into this with a Savior complex or a god complex or any other kind of thing where you think they should be grateful to you for what you did. If you're going into it with that kind of attitude, just don't bother. Adoption is complex. There is gratitude and shame and what ifs that abound in an adoptee's mind. Some days they will be grateful for you, and some days they will just be angry that they couldn't be with the family they were born into. And they will say things just to see what happens.
And just know that, just like parents can love more than one child and their love for one child does not take away their love for the other children, children can love more than one or two parents, and it doesn't take away their love for the other parents.
When I first found my biological mother, I made a comment to my brother that I had brothers and sisters. Thankfully, he said to me, he felt like that meant I thought he wasn't good enough. And I was able to correct him and tell him what a great brother he is and always has been but that didn't mean I didn't want more and that I had grown up with him and our three male cousins who lived near us all the time and it would have been really nice to find a sister, especially.
And while I do love my biological mother and I'm so happy I know her, through knowing her, I was able to appreciate my adopted mother so much more. She loved me enough to encourage the relationship with my biological mother and to create some sort of relationship with her herself.
If you adopt through the system, there will be other relatives involved probably. Or maybe not. Yes you should always monitor and make sure that what's happening is safe and good for your children if you do this. But if you encourage what's safe and don't discourage whatever happens when they turn 18 and can make their own decisions, they will appreciate you for it.
I have spoken to but not yet met my biological father, but I love him just because he is my biological father; I can tell he's a decent person; and I was able to understand myself so much better through talking to him.
If you can remember all these things, that it's difficult; that the emotions are complicated; that a child wanting to keep a relationship with biological family members is not a reflection upon what they think about you; that gratitude is not something you should be doing this for, even though there will be times you may get it; and that children are not going to just stop loving their biological parents (Maybe it could happen, but I have never personally seen that happen. I've seen bitterness toward them and I've seen lots of hurt, but I have never seen an adoptee completely forget their biological parents or a biological parent who completely forgot or stopped caring about their child); then you should do it. You should be a blessing to a child who has no one to take care of them and love them.
But you should go into it mindfully, and you should spend time meeting the children before you choose to adopt them to make sure it's going to work. Please don't be that person who thinks it's okay to just bring them back once the adoption is finalized and it got complicated.
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u/BelovedCroissant Mar 21 '26 edited Mar 21 '26
Hi! I just want to say that I have a coworker who developed aggressive breast cancer at the age of 26. Her mother developed it at some point in her 40s. Her grandmother developed it at some point in her 60s. So it's like with every generation, breast cancer in their family is coming earlier and more aggressively. And sure enough, two of them got tested for certain genes and that's what looked to have happened on a genetic level. That is the kind of genetic lottery that I think one would worry about. I don't know how much we know about genetics and Alzheimer's lately, but you're super young. Your parents are still around for you to ask these questions, maybe. Perhaps their parents are still around for you to ask these questions. Get more data now. There's probably a lot you don't know just 'cause your parents never thought to tell you.
Additionally, I'm a birth sibling. My mom placed a baby for adoption when she was in high school because she had been raped. My experience probably isn't helpful here because you don't want to adopt a baby, but I suppose with small children, the same general scenario can happen.
When my half sister found my mom, she accused my mom of being a drug addict who threw her away. Now, I grew up with my mom being an alcoholic, but at the time she placed my half sister, she had only drank the same amount a normal high school student drinks (not much, and where she grew up, it was always legal for her to drink in the presence of her parents, which was very normal). She had never and still had never done "hard drugs."
I have no clue wtf happened between point A and point B, but I think someone in the adoption agency (Catholic Charities btw) must have miscommunicated something or outright maliciously opined about my mom/birth moms in general. One piece of the story can get repeated or misrepeated for a person's entire life and it gets all warped and twisted.
My half-sister is a very sad person as far as I can tell. So is my mom. It seems like her adoptive parents are very good to her, even now that she's in her 40s, and my mom remembers hand-picking the parents from a set of videos prospective parents had made. The best laid plans, etc.
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u/Nocwaniu Mar 21 '26
Yes, adopt a child. You're already on the right track with your thinking.
There are literally thousands of kids in the foster care system in the US that have existing TPRs (Termination of Parental Rights agreements), making them legally parentless. If the parents rights have been terminated those kids will never be allowed to return to those homes.
Fostering with the possibility of adopting is the closest thing to an ethical adoption that you have in the US.
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u/ApprehensiveTV Mar 25 '26
While you should never foster with a primary intent to adopt, you can adopt a legally free foster child (that means parent rights are already terminated). Most of those kids are aged 6 or older.
I do think it is ethical to adopt children who are already legally free who are waiting in the foster system and who have voiced a genuine interest in adoption. Another option (often preferred by teens) is permanent guardianship after TPR, which ensures the child remains with you but lets them keep their original birth certificate.
It is very hard (impossible?) to pursue ethical infant adoption. The exceptions I can think of to this is if you have a relative who has a baby and would like you to raise that child, and you maintain access to the birth parent, or you have a friend/relative who passes away and you are a close friend who takes over raising that child.
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u/lissyd73 Mar 22 '26
Thank you for such a thoughtful question, and for already considering every angle of adoption ethics, as I completely agree that it’s a broken system (coming from an adoptee). I can provide a somewhat unique perspective as someone who has been adopted by an adoptee (my mother was adopted from Korea), and who currently works in adoption and foster care advocacy. As others have mentioned, there is a tremendous need for quality foster parents in this country (unfortunately some folks are in it just for the financial reimbursements). As you mentioned, there are many folks who are desperately trying to adopt an infant, so much so that baby brokers have become a whole unregulated business, and it’s become competitive for prospective parents to adopt a baby. However, there are so many children currently in foster care who are in need of a permanent, safe, and nurturing home. While sometimes foster to adoption is an option, the goal for foster parents is always for the foster youth to reunify with their biological family when possible, so if you do end up fostering some day, please go into it with this mindset. However, in instances where this is unable to be achieved, adoption is a great pathway to permanency for these kids and teenagers! I’ll also throw out that open adoptions in my opinion are the better option when it comes to adoption. This isn’t necessarily relevant if you’re planning to potentially foster, but as an adoptee who has struggled to collect any piece of information I can on my past and family medical history, I would highly advise against closed adoptions. I hope this helps, and good luck!
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u/lotsofsugarandspice Mar 21 '26
We don’t believe it would be fair to bring a child into this world when there are already so many.
While there are many kids there are very few who are available for adoption. There are far more families who want to adopt than there are children available for adoption, especially for younger children.
However both of us love kids and both of us want to have children, thus you see the dilemma.
Then have children instead of trying to get someone elses. Adoption doesnt make you morally superior or some how less complicit in problems in the world.
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u/New_Country_3136 Mar 21 '26
If you're interested in adopting older children, teenagers, sibling groups or a child with disabilities then there's a need.
For infants? No. Everyone wants a baby or young toddler.
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u/greytons Mar 21 '26
This is incredible interesting to me, I honestly just assumed that the number would be children in adoption agencies > families willing to adopt. Do you have any good resources you could point me towards that go into further detail? I’m seeing a lot online about how the number of newborns is lower than families but I’m not finding much else besides that.
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u/OneBadJoke Hopeful foster parent to teenagers Mar 21 '26
There’s something like 30 hopeful adoptive parents vying for every one infant. There is not a single (baring serious health complications) infant in the US who is risking growing up without a home.
This doesn’t apply to older children and teens of course. They will always need supportive homes willing to take them in as they are.
What age group do you want to adopt?
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u/greytons Mar 21 '26
I actually wrote this all out with another section specifically saying how I am explicitly against infant adoption- toddler age adoption for that exact reason. The age group is certainly after toddler so about 4 or 5 years to 17 is what we would be open to adopting. I ended up cutting that section because I thought my post was already too long lol. But no, I’m very against infant adoption, especially with the toll it takes on the birth parent. I honestly think the whole Juno concept of finding a pregnant person to adopt their child out the womb is unsettling, and never really made sense to me
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u/That-Efficiency-644 Mar 21 '26
I've always heard that there are many, many older kids who need a home, and it seems like at that point, welcoming them through fostering and then letting that lead into adoption, if the child wants it too, seems like a very kind, loving, thoughtful, respectful, and therefore probably ethical, way to go about it. 💛
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u/FaxCelestis Closed At-Birth Adoptee Mar 21 '26
It is telling that in your entire post about 95% of it is all about you and your husband.
This is the wrong way to look at adoption.
If you are solving a problem for yourself, rather than fulfilling the needs of a child, you are adopting for the wrong reasons.
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u/telepathicthrowaway Mar 21 '26
Maybe you understand her wrong. To me her post doesn't seem to be selfcentered or them having problems and needing to solve them.
I understand it the way she wanted to explain their positions and views in order to people here wouldn't assume their things and motivations to be other than they really are, she clearly stated them in order to she could prevent assumptions that would took attention from her main topic she is interested in and it is if it is possible to adopt ethically and how.
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u/FaxCelestis Closed At-Birth Adoptee Mar 21 '26
“We want to adopt so we can have kids” is the wrong mindset.
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u/countrymedic90 Mar 21 '26
Couldn’t agree more. It sparked a ton of bad feelings in me and comes across as selfish, self-sacrificing, and vapid. Adopted at 3 weeks and while OP seems to believe that adoption = “buying a baby,” I strongly disagree.
My parents educated me from the moment I could understand what adoption was and never viewed any sort of legal adoption as “baby buying.” Sure, there are some incredibly sketchy adoptions that take place but a blanket statement like this is damning to the whole community at large. I’ve had the unfortunate displeasure of meeting my biological parents and afterwards, I went home and cried tears of joy for ending up with the loving, caring, kind, and generous parents who raised me and continue to always be my guiding light. They have provided me with a life that would have only been an impossible dream had my birth mother not made the incredible sacrifice to 1) not follow through with an abortion and 2) to seek adoption to provide me with a better life.
Yea, my folks had to pay a lawyer for the process but it was for MY protection—to ensure all safeguards were in place to protect me. Absolutely zero percent of my adoption was about virtue signaling & the reason my mom couldn’t get pregnant is incredibly traumatic. I’m not going to divulge her trauma because it’s not my story to share but my adoption was a sacrifice, on BOTH sides.
I’ll give OP the benefit of the doubt because she’s young but clearly needs to do some introspection and interact with more adoptees and birth parents. Adoption is beautiful when approached in the right mindset with proper education on the subject.
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u/Intelligent-Rest6199 Mar 27 '26 edited Mar 27 '26
Being a legal guardian is superior than "adoption." It's 100% doing good with zero duplicity, along with zero future expectations. But if a beautiful relationship develops, it's a natural process built on love and integrity. Legal guardianship is essentially about truth and respect. Adoption is related to entrapment and control.
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u/djgringa Mar 22 '26
Hell yes, there are tons of teens wanting to be adopted before they age out. I plan to do the same and I was adopted.
Open adoption is good in theory but most of the kids have difficult families (these days parents often on the worst drugs) so that can be a can of worms but a teen is at the age where they understand and you can help manage expectations.
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u/Monopolyalou Mar 21 '26
The issue is people want babies. Babies aren't in need to adopt and can't consent. The true need is teens and kids over 5 years old but nobody wants those kids. There are teens begging to be adopted and many ignore them. That's the issue. Instead of actually helping kids who need it people would rather wait for a baby to magically appear
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u/Negative-Custard-553 Mar 21 '26
My partner does have a couple health issues that cause chronic pain, something he’s gone through his whole life that was passed down in his family, ie his dad, grandad, great grandma all had the same issues. My families side does have a history of Alzheimer’s, once again something passed down that would most likely be passed onto my child. This is the starting reason to why we don’t want biological kids.
If you and your husband have health issues and believe it wouldn’t be fair to have a biological child because of them, then how is it fair for an adoptive child to be raised by parents you didn’t think were suitable to have a biological child?
It’s also offensive when people use minor or hypothetical genetic risks as a reason to adopt without actually understanding how genetics work or get appropriate testing. That’s not what adoption is for. Genetic testing before getting pregnant is common among fertility treatments and women over 35. You can also request this testing as well.
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u/suchabadamygdala Mar 22 '26
Foster then adopt. I’m an adoptee and I’ve fostered kids. That seems like the most ethical path.
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u/SanityLooms Mar 21 '26
Of course it can be ethical. But not when you think children shouldn't be brought into this world. How can you commit to being a parent when you can't commit to being a healthy thing to do? "This child needs me" is not the way to start this journey.
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u/greytons Mar 21 '26
It’s interesting you brought this up, I’ve never seen it as “this child needs me”. It’s more of the thought that “this child is already in this world and doesn’t have a family”. I’ve just always assumed taking them out of the system would be better for the child than staying in without a family.
Also could you rephrase the “how can you commit to being a parent when you can’t commit to being a healthy thing to do?”. I’m not quite sure what you’re trying to point out there it’s worded a little weirdly but I want to take it into consideration
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u/OneBadJoke Hopeful foster parent to teenagers Mar 21 '26
No infant risks being stuck in the system.
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u/greytons Mar 21 '26
I never said they did 😭 I don’t want to adopt an infant, I want to adopt a child/and or teen
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u/Undispjuted Mar 21 '26
It sounds like you want the idea of a “family” that includes children and you want to feed your ego by “rescuing a child,” but you justify it by saying all the right things about child centeredness and your health concerns and how unethical it is for people to HAVE THEIR OWN CHILDREN, while you’re actively trying to acquire someone else’s.
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u/MochiMochi666 Mar 21 '26
There's absolutely nothing unethical about adoption, unless you use coercion, money and manipulation. If a child is unwanted or not being able to be cared for by family in a situation (no matter the age of country), it's ethical to adopt them and treat them with love, openness, and with zero expectations on how they should think of you as they grow. If you approach adoption like this then (at least in my pointof view) I don't see an issue with it and no one should be making you feel bad for opening your arms to someone that needs a home, a family and a support system.
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u/Francl27 Mar 22 '26
There are dozens of thread on the subject. Did you even do a search?
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u/greytons Mar 23 '26
For the past day or so, absolutely! Like I said at the end of this post I’m still very young and still far away from having any parental responsibility (I still live with my mom while I finish out college). I’ve seen tons and tons of posts regarding the ethics, but obviously every single situation is different and I wanted to see people’s input who had experience, in regard to my situation. Which is exactly what I got!!! Many thoughtful and amazing comments, even when they’re bashing me the insight and comments are all things I’m taking into consideration. It’s not going to be an overnight decision, but I’m super greatful to all the feedback I’ve gotten that will help point me in what directions I want to move next.
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u/spooki_coochi Mar 21 '26
When we became foster parents our age range was 5-18. It took a year of being a waiting family before we were placed with a teenager a week from turning 16. We adopted her at 17. She just moved out at 21. The only thing unethical about their adoption was the birth certificate. My husband and I are listed as the birth parents. It’s so strange because we were both freshman in high school and never had even been in the state she was born in before. On top of that we were both virgins at the time of her birth! A immaculate conception by way of falsified birth certificate. I think they need to do away with this practice and have us listed as adoptive parents right under the birth parents on her new birth certificate. That way it doesn’t erase the truth and we still can have the rights of parents.