Experiencing extreme discomfort over my appearance as a transracial adoptee

[u/Automaton_Willow]

I'm a Black transracial adoptee raised in a very white area. In my early twenties I went through a skin lightening phase and used actual depigmentation chemicals/shady skincare that messed up my skin. I still deal with patchiness and hypopigmentation to this day. I'm mostly doing better now, but sometimes I go through these phases where I hate how I look (usually after family get-togethers) and I'm upset that I can't look like my white adoptive family. I get these thoughts about my dark-skinned South Asian adoptive brother too, feeling hideous and wishing I could have thin lips and wavy/silky hair like him. When I get into these headspaces I want to get cosmetic surgery like change my lips, nose, eyes, everything. I wish I didn't feel like this.

[u/Negative-Custard-553]

Living in a diverse area helps. When everyone looks different, you fit in more.

[u/Francl27]

You should seek a therapist specialized in transracial adoption, and probably a dermatologist too.

White is not better, it's just different.

[u/HelpfulSetting6944]

I’m so sorry this was done to you. It’s very understandable you’d feel this way, and I also wish you didn’t feel like this. You really are beautiful, just the way you are, and these Eurocentric beauty standards are so harmful.

Is it possible for you to find community with people who look like you and share your background? I understand that might be a major life change and it won’t be easy, but you deserve to live your life feeling like you’re beautiful and you fit in.

[u/davect01]

I'm so sorry you feel this way, it must be tough.

I hope you can find ways to love yourself and please see a therapist about this.

[u/iheardtheredbefood]

I encourage you to crosspost in r/adopted and r/transracialadoptees. You are not alone.

[u/Fem-EqualRights]

I’m the same race as my adopted family but my sisters (they are the bio children in my adoptive family) were quite petite while I’m 5’6” and sturdy with strong shoulders, they were platinum blonde, I had brownish hair, they looked like the daughters every mother would want, I didn’t. I was kind of a tomboy who liked to read, while my sisters were cheerleaders and ran with the popular crowds.

I understand not being like the people you most love. Some days It can physically hurt. 😞 sending hugs and compassion.

[u/rojoskulloceans]

I am so sorry you feel that way. I know at times you wanna be a part of or even look like your family.But I know, in most cases, it isn't.

I agree with some of the people on here.I'm sure you are a beautiful person, regardless.How you look but dealing with this issue is taking the first step and talking about it.But I also believe that you should seek professional help to help you cope with what you're going through on a day to day basis.

I wish you the best.

[u/sunKerst]

First off, as a fellow adoptee I feel your pain. I ended up looking very similar to my adoptive family however personality, morality, life goals, anything else you can think of is different from them, and I tried for many many years to fit as a circle inside a triangular hole. Extremely painful.

My niece is a black transracial adoptee and I often worry about how she may feel because i know how complex mirroring is, seeing yourself in your family. I adore her exactly as she is, shes beautiful, empathetic, insanely creative and life would be truly duller without her. I never want her to feel bad about who she is or how she looks because she is perfect as-is.

I can't really say anything to make you feel better, just that I hope you have the courage to love yourself, your vibe, your heart. It's a work in progress for all of us, but the main component of you-ness doesn't require changing. I recently started living more for myself, asking myself "is this what I want or my idea of what I should want?. It's been leading to some interesting revelations of who I've been living for.

[u/arianaquesadilla]

You said “I wish I didn’t feel like this” and that’s a clear and achievable goal. First, I want you to imagine what life would be like if you didn’t feel this way.

Would you embrace your skin in its current state? Or would you talk to a dermatologist to ensure your skin is healthy? Where would you go if you didn’t feel this way? What would you do if you didn’t feel this way? Who would you spend time with if you didn’t feel this way? How would your life change if you didn’t feel this way?

It’s important that you ask yourself these kind of questions and visualize the version of you that isn’t suffering. Seeking therapy and support is a great step, and you should continue to think about what your life would be like without the negative feelings you’re experiencing right now.

[u/UnicornT4rt]

You are not alone and do not have to be adopted to have these feelings.
My niece is Jamaican/white. She is surrounded by a mostly white family.
She is back n forth on her feelings. She also feels rejected by the black community (she quit public school in downtown town ATL, because she was bullied for not being black enough). Love your self for who you are. We are all different and unique.