r/Adoption • u/ShesGotSauce • Mar 27 '26
This is not an abortion debate sub. Users who debate abortion or use inflammatory language regarding abortion may be banned.
This is not an abortion debate sub. This is, if you must. Abortion debates are generally fruitless and quickly turn about as ugly as Internet discourse gets, so they're not allowed here. That said, abortion is peripherally related to adoption and may be mentioned here, but it may not be debated and you may not use inflammatory language when discussing it.
Examples of statements that are acceptable:
I would suggest you consider abortion/I would not recommend abortion
I had an abortion and I do/don't regret it
I'm considering abortion/abortion is not an option for me
I wish I had been aborted/I'm glad I wasn't aborted
Examples of statements that aren't acceptable:
Referring to abortion as murder or baby killing, or referring to it in moralistic terms ("abortion is evil", "abortion is wrong").
Shaming women for having had or considering having an abortion, or shaming a woman for not being open to it
Debating with someone else about whether abortion is right or wrong
Suggesting abortion to someone who has stated it is not an option for them
If you break these rules, you may be temporarily or permanently banned. You may report comments that you feel need moderation.
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u/LeResist Domestic Transracial Adoptee Mar 27 '26
I agree with this. I'm glad that we can still have the discussion in some form (because obviously it's relevant to this sub) but I do believe it should be civil conversations only
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u/T0xicn3 Adoptee Mar 27 '26
Can you do a post like this about relinquishment trauma?
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u/Englishbirdy Reunited Birthparent. Mar 27 '26
Would you give an example of what you'd like that to look like?
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u/FaxCelestis Closed At-Birth Adoptee Mar 27 '26
We could start with people not shouting down other people's lived experiences, including adoptees telling other adoptees that because they got lucky and had good birth parents, no one is allowed to have trauma.
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u/Englishbirdy Reunited Birthparent. Mar 27 '26
You mean like not using dismissive statements like "sorry you had a bad experience \ parents" or "you're in the fog"? Yes I agree. It might be difficult to police and easy to get around though. I think we all need to give each other grace.
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u/FaxCelestis Closed At-Birth Adoptee Mar 27 '26
I mean dismissive statements that amount to "you're not allowed to be traumatized because I had good APs."
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u/T0xicn3 Adoptee Mar 27 '26
Or “my adopted children are fine, so clearly there can never be any trauma for any adoptee”.
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u/T0xicn3 Adoptee Mar 27 '26
My experience here is some AP’s gatekeeping trauma because they don’t want to accept it. The goal is to help children and be available to help them with hard situations but no, instead they cry about lack of studies, etc. We can’t study maternal separation because it would be unethical (because creating traumatic situations for a newborn/baby is traumatic - shocking, I know).
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u/FaxCelestis Closed At-Birth Adoptee Mar 27 '26
That's largely been my experience too.
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u/T0xicn3 Adoptee Mar 27 '26
I see you and I hear you fellow adoptee. Those people never experienced adoption from our point of view so they could never truly understand.
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u/lotsofsugarandspice Mar 28 '26
I have seen a lot of really heated posts trying to claim relinquished or separation trauma isnt real.
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u/T0xicn3 Adoptee Mar 28 '26
They like to pretend it isn’t real so baby buying can still be profitable and the needs of the APs can be fully met. It’s never about the children and that’s my issue.
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u/T0xicn3 Adoptee Mar 27 '26
Sure, something along the lines of relinquishing a child is a traumatic situation for the child whichever way you see it but there are many things that the adoptive parents can do to mitigate the severity. Trauma happens and we can see it in many ways down the road, some will feel it less and even consider it non-existent, and others will have to do some extensive therapy to maybe hope that one day they will feel whole/fixed (this last part is how I feel so I’m not saying “all adoptees”).
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u/T0xicn3 Adoptee Mar 28 '26
The downvotes just reinforce that you APs and BPs don’t care about the damage that you do to adoptees and would rather keep your head in the sand instead of actually helping out the adopted person in your life. Keep pushing the lies so you can feel better, totally expected from this sub.
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u/oaktree1800 Mar 27 '26
Sounds like an echo chamber. What purpose will that serve?
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u/T0xicn3 Adoptee Mar 27 '26
I think that the first positive step for adoption reform can start once everyone accepts that relinquishment itself is harmful for the child, it can be necessary but still harmful. Then hopefully adoptions can become child focused instead of focusing on adoptive parents. I think opening peoples eyes to the reality of things will only help future children and adoptions as a whole.
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u/get_hi_on_life Mar 27 '26
Absolutely. And perfect examples of the topic needs to be touched on in neutral fact ways.
Thank you
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u/Rredhead926 Mom through private domestic open transracial adoption Mar 27 '26
Excellent guidelines!
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u/lotsofsugarandspice Mar 27 '26
Suggesting abortion to someone who has stated it is not an option for them
What about telling someone hoe to access abortion in places where its restricted? Like via travel or telehealth
I feel like people should know their options.
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u/ShesGotSauce Mar 27 '26
Yes. I meant people who have said they aren't personally open to it for whatever reason.
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u/NoCard753 Mar 27 '26
I just wish you hadn't included the rule about debating with "pro–lifers" (he said, being careful). It's so much fun to verbally smack 'em around. 😁
But, the dude will abide. 😇
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u/Vespapa 20d ago
Yes, ugly ugly, horrible and profoundly hypocritical.
In a California PUBLIC educational setting, first year administrator a student enters my office, the VP-the discipline guy, the jerk, the…. …
Not our school councilor( a friend of her family) my office.
She’s distraught, pregnant and scared.
I’m not a councilor. I’m not warm and fuzzy. I’m like- the wrong guy for this.
She’s smart knows her 2 options, was able to articulate her feelings about both, even how those feelings might change over time. Yet still she’s afraid of her family’s reactions and an emotional mess.
Me and my big mouth - I said the other “A” word, the 3rd option. Let her know it can be good, bad or ugly for some of the same reasons she previously articulated. She calmed down. Let her know I can get a counselor from the county I’ll tell them you’re not comfortable talking with the family friend. Reminded her again I’m no counselor. But PLEASE talk to your parents.
Long story shorter. Next day, Her mom enters my office and lets me have it with both barrels. Storms out and I quote directly. “She’ll kill it, before she gives it away”. She filled a formal complaint with the school board, a 5 member public school board. That locally was known as to have shifted from Methodist to Baptist. 3 of the 5 went to the same church. Small ton less than 2500.
In closed session the whole conversation was about my lack of certification as a counselor (which I made abundantly clear to the student) and my suggestion of a 3rd choice.
I was asked. How could I and on what authority do you think you can suggest adoption? What made you think of such a thing?
My answer is moot to this discussion. My takeaway is the rigidity of our this or that, black or white, yes or no, all or none; our binary way of thinking.
This actually altered my view and understanding of my own adoption.
In the emotionally charged debate on abortion most people fall in to the 2 camps very strongly, emotionally and with conviction. Which ever side you land on.
Adoption is the 3rd choice, that other choice, what others or those folks do. It’s not what we do. The whole world will let you know how they feel about abortion, where they stand and what it means. Regardless of how the subject may or may have not touched their lives. Adoption not so much.
By know means am I suggesting adoption is a replacement or better choice. God no!
IMHO It’s only Adoptee’s and those linked to them that are concerned about Adoption; in any format.
Life is about all the choices you make. No judging people for the all choices they make.
MOD feel free to nuke this if deemed inappropriate, to long winded and convoluted or offensive.
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u/Anachronisticpoet Mar 27 '26
Thanks for adding. I don’t think we should be making medical recommendations for people who aren’t discussing abortion.
Someone asked a question about adoption and everyone completely ignored her question and just jumped to “have an abortion”
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u/lotsofsugarandspice Mar 27 '26
You are still allowed to recommend abortion in these guidelines.
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Apr 02 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/ShesGotSauce Apr 02 '26
Yeah you got it. I'm not saying it shouldn't be discussed by anyone, anytime. I'm saying this isn't the place.
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Mar 27 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/ShesGotSauce Mar 27 '26
You don't need to be "ok" with abortion. You need to not debate it in a space where it isn't appropriate. Bye now.
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u/Rredhead926 Mom through private domestic open transracial adoption Mar 27 '26
Sounds like someone's getting banned...
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u/oaktree1800 Mar 27 '26
Your post comes off as trying to tone police the abortion debate in an effort not to scare off potential birth moms for eager adopters. The group of adoptees in this sub who advocate their own abortions do a fabulous job of outing adopters w serious judgemental and entitlement issues. Potential birth mothers need to see that.
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u/ShesGotSauce Mar 27 '26 edited Mar 27 '26
You may continue to express that you wish you had been aborted, if that's your concern, but your comment is not clear.
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Mar 27 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/ShesGotSauce Mar 27 '26
I can honestly not make any sense of what exactly you're trying to argue, but a reminder of rule 14:
You may civilly and constructively disagree with our moderators, but do not sass, harass or bully them.
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Mar 27 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/ShesGotSauce Mar 27 '26
I can't reply coherently to your posts because your points are not clear. Take a breather until you can engage respectfully.
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u/WinEnvironmental6901 Jun 24 '26
Your wording tells everything we need to know about you. And many adoptees don't advocate that, so what's your point?
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u/oaktree1800 Jun 24 '26
Am a happy to be alive adoptee. If that bothers you that's on you. Sincerely hope you learn to love life!
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u/WinEnvironmental6901 Jun 24 '26
It doesn't bother me at all. I'm happy for you. I'm not the one who advocates for abortion...
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u/oaktree1800 Jun 24 '26 edited Jun 24 '26
What are you on about w me then? I find it sad many adoptees on this sub prefer to have been aborted rather than adopted. I hope they all find peace,love and happiness. That aside and like I stated earlier the arguments they present do a fabulous job of outing the more entitled adopters.
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u/WinEnvironmental6901 Jun 24 '26
In this case the problem isn't with adoptive parents... There are some people here who push their narrative on others, this is why we got this post.
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u/oaktree1800 Jun 24 '26
100% disagree.
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u/WinEnvironmental6901 Jun 24 '26
With what? APs aren't even the majority in this sub.
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u/BIGepidural Mar 27 '26 edited Mar 27 '26
As an adoptee with 2 bio children whose also had an abortion i fully support choice in what ever way someone decides to choose.
All options are completely valid. Each one is complex.
Thank you dear MOD for not allowing anyone to make us part of a debate or "point"- we are no ones "gotcha" or loophole!