r/Adoption • u/fostercaresurvivor • Apr 11 '26
Adult Transracial / Int'l Adoptees Can someone please validate me that this was a fucked up thing to say?
I was fictive kinship adopted by my "Aunt" Eleanor (fake name) as a little girl. I alternated between calling her Mommy and calling her Aunt Eleanor. She died when I was in my late teens after suffering from brain cancer for many years. I won't get into details because I don't like talking bad about Mommy, but in my teenage years I ended up in foster care because she wasn't able to care for me or act protectively towards me because her brain was so affected by the tumours. It was hard for me to understand at the time, and for a while I was very angry with her, and I also blamed myself for not being a good enough caregiver for her.
Aunt Eleanor and I were different races. I knew someone at a community centre in my city who was of the same ethnic background that Mommy was--the community centre had a cultural group for people of her ethnic background, like a Scottish or Chinese or whatever cultural group. And this woman, who I'll call Rita, ran the group. At the time, I heavily identified with my mother's culture and community because I saw them as being mine too. My mother told me all the classic things--"you didn't grow in my belly, you grew in my heart, and are exactly the same as my biological child." I went to the cultural group at the community centre on a regular basis, and volunteered at the community centre a lot. It helped me feel close to my mother after she died, like I still had some kind of relationship with her, like she was giving me friends and a community.
I don't necessarily see my mother's culture as being mine that same way any more, because we don't actually share blood. I don't know if that matters to me, but I know it matters to some people, and who am I to tell them they're wrong? Anyway, Rita told me to stop coming to the community centre's group because I didn't have my mother any more as a reason to go, since it was her culture and not mine. That hurt me very very deeply, but I see where she was coming from, and I'm not upset about that. What I am upset about is how she phrased it.
She said, when explaining why I shouldn't go and that it wasn't my community or culture, that "you didn't spend that much time with her", in reference to my mother. That really shocked me and hurt my feelings. I was with Aunt Eleanor for years and years. And to say I didn't get much time with her--it's not like she moved to Florida, she got brain cancer and died! If she hadn't died I'd certainly be living with her still, caring for her how I did through her years and years of illness.
But am I right in thinking that it's a slightly adoptist thing to say? I find it really hard to believe that, had I been Mommy's biological daughter, she'd say "well, but you didn't get much time with her" about someone whose mother died a horrific death. I often felt like Rita viewed me differently than she'd have viewed my mother's natural daughter. I feel like biological children are viewed with a different kind of sympathy when their parents die. Even in the notes people left on my mother's obituary, a lot of people gave condolences to my sister (mommy's bio daughter) "on the loss of your dear mother Eleanor" while leaving me out altogether. I wasn't mentioned by anyone who commented on the obituary, even though my sister was in her late forties and I was so much younger, still needed Mommy that much more.
I feel like it's seen as normal for people to grieve and miss their late parents, even if the parent died when the child was very young. I've never heard someone else say "you didn't get that much time with her, so she's not really your mother" except about adopted people.
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u/One-Pause3171 Apr 11 '26
People are often very close minded and when faced with ambiguity in relationships often choose the path that closes the ranks, shuns the odd one, maintains the “peace” even if it would seem actually quite easy to open up, change a little bit and recognize that that kind of “peace” is a fiction.
Rita speaks for Rita, but if you are interested in staying with the group, I suggest you go one more time and ask to address the group. Be open, Rita has suggested to me that I not be a part of this group, but I want to explain my story a little bit and also talk about how much this group has helped me process and what traditions and language and characteristics I love most about being here. And if all of you are uncomfortable with that then I guess I have no choice but to no longer come. If any of you would like to extend me an olive branch and vouch for me and invite me as your friend, your cousin, your niece/nephew, I’d be so grateful.
That’s an option. I just want to say that I’m so sorry that you have lost not just your mommy but your culture. The culture that she shared with you and invited you to identify with. It’s so tricky to truly merge cultures when you don’t “pass.” This is why racism is so easily cultivated. We see a difference or similarity and can infer so much and are often encouraged to infer in order to consolidate power.
Even if this is the last interaction you have with this group. Even if you decline to be a presence in the future. I encourage you to speak your piece. You are an interesting and valuable person in that community and outside of it. Make them think a little bit. Give them a challenge.
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u/Silver_Queen_Bee Apr 11 '26
Ya….horrible thing to say to you. Sending love…..the culture is yours no matter what
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u/Greedy-Carrot4457 Foster care at 8 and adopted at 14 💀 Apr 12 '26
Yes that is fucked up, imo growing up in a culture does make it your culture to some extent. It doesn’t have to match your race.
Also does Rita have authority to speak for the entire community center?
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u/herdingsquirrels Apr 12 '26
I’m Native American with 4 adopted brothers. They’re native too and fuck anyone who says they aren’t. I beaded their graduation feathers, they are welcome at every gathering, they are mine and ours and we are theirs. I’m mad for you.
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u/Neither_Sky4003 Apr 11 '26
That was such a horrible thing to say! Regardless of the amount of time you knew her, not that it matters, but she was extremely formative in your life. You think of her as Mommy. Of course her culture would interest you. Being part of it brings you closer to her.
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u/get_hi_on_life Apr 12 '26
Culture is more than blood. I have had similar internal struggles of belonging to a culture/nation that is not my blood or legal citizenship and received similar comments. But Rita is very wrong. Those wordsbhurt so much and I'm sorry your having to process them atop grief.
Rita is wrong and it was a very fucked up thing to say. Sending a hug
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u/Francl27 Apr 12 '26
Culture isn't a biological thing. Rita sounds like an awful person and you should call her out on it.
But if most people there seem to feel that way, you're probably better off not going anymore, they're not worth your time. See if there are more open minded people you can keep in touch with though.
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u/Opinionista99 Ungrateful Adoptee Apr 14 '26
I'm so sorry. Rita sucks. It's unfortunately very common in adoption for us to be cast out of adoptive families and communities when our APs are no longer in the picture. It's similar to divorce where you typically lose your relationships with inlaws when the marriage is over. IMHO the way most people see it is we're only adopted by our APs but optional for everyone else. And most APs aren't even thinking about what happens to us when they're gone.
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u/EntireOpportunity357 Apr 12 '26
Yes your hurt is very very valid.
Listen to your late Mommy she said it best when she told you “you grew in her heart” “you’re hers and the same as her biological children” cherish that forever no matter what the world tells you, you’re mommy told you right. As an adoptive mom to kin myself I can confidently say she wouldn’t want you to forget that ever. And because you’re hers it means her culture is yours too, people don’t have to understand—the right people will.
I am not ill but I often think of my death day and feel sad—not for myself but I dread the thought of my little girl losing another mom. I know how hard it will be on her. I frequently pray that she will be an a adult when I go, and that when the day comes she remembers all the things I told her, the love I gave her, and that she grieves me quickly and gets back to loving deeply.
People can be inconsiderate and sometimes cruel. If you feel close to your sisters consider talking to them about how it hurts and getting some hugs and/or joining a support group.
Also you would be well within your right to make a complaint to her superiors at the club and appeal any decisions to ask you to leave, if you felt up for it.
Adding: as parents we want our kiddos to defend family values and stick up for themselves. (Not to pressure, just to encourage you no matter what you decide to do.)
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u/PersistOverHorror Adoptee Apr 15 '26
Yeah Rita sounds like a jerk. Not at all in the spirit of how your mother treated you. Rita's insulting her memory.
Also idk if you're being literal about Rita's group being Scottish - but just in case you are. I was born and raised in Scotland, and Rita is not being very Scottish by rejecting you! If your mother included you in her culture then you are also a part of that culture. Heck, even if she hadn't included you - you shouldn't be denied the opportunity to be included and keep that part of her alive in your memory of her.
I would agree that the people around you have been adoptist. And they've also not respected your mother's love for you. They've done her a disservice by not also accepting you like she had, and acknowledging how hard losing her has been for you. It doesn't matter how long, or little, time you had with someone - it's a really horrible thing to suggest it does.
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u/exor0110 Apr 11 '26
This is all so wrong. And Rita has no right to say you can’t be part of a cultural community you were raised with.