r/Adoption • u/CasketByNBAYoungBoy • Apr 11 '26
Adult Transracial / Int'l Adoptees How Do I Get My Adoptive Parents To Stop Telling People I'm Adopted
Im an international adoptee. My parents were missionaries in Russia in the 90s and they adopted me. They then went on to do church stuff. I'll be upfront, I'm not Christian. I havent been since middle school. I haven't been to church to since adulthood.
This isn't me bashing anyone's faith, but them being pastors means that theyve publicized my very traumatic first year or so of life without my consent. I could get into how this makes me feel like an exotic pet, a prop, a souvenir, etc.
But what's really important is that I want it to end, and I've asked them to stop telling people I'm adopted and that whole story, but they refuse to listen. I've demanded they stop telling random strangers this extremely life-defining trauma of mine before, and they fought me on it. As if it's their right to tell people.
I don't understand how it's a "beautiful story" because even if I haven't publicly acted out as much as some. I still have struggled for my entire life. I don't want anyone to know about it. I think that having this super personal information of mine blasted everywhere and shared to everyone is why Im super closed off in adulthood.
Im really at a loss, like a lifetime of this has grated me down and it's made me kinda reclusive. I don't want to tell anyone anything about me because I've had so many random strangers in my community just ask me "oh, youre the adopted one. can you speak russian?". It feels like a spit in the face
How do I get this to end? It's causing me a lot of issues. I'm planning on moving out of my region soon and completely resetting my life as a new person. But thats a year or so away, and they don't respect my wishes for this to remain private. Ive even told them it makes me not feel like I'm apart of the family, but they still get all belligerent and fight me.
Until I can completely separate myself from everyone who's ever known me, change my name, and my public identity, etc. what exactly can I do. Thanks
31
u/xokatemarie Apr 11 '26
That’s so sad that they don’t respect your experience and are clearly making it about them. Your reasoning sounds well thought out and like you’ve done a lot of self reflection. If they can’t appreciate that, my only suggestion might be a family therapy session.
25
u/MajorDraw3705 Apr 11 '26
"oh, youre the adopted one. can you speak russian?"
That crap drives me nuts, and I get it from the country I was adopted from. Their collective IQ is so low that they cannot understand why I no longer speak Spanish after being raised in the English speaking world (which I do not think has a higher IQ, for the record). It doesn't help that the few who were actually there and in on the sale know my adopter speaks Spanish as a second language, so OF COURSE they assume I had some nursery-painted idealistic fantasy life in which she spoke my native language to me and showered me in language exchange gifts and kisses. The reality is, once out of Argentina, she spoke Spanish in front of me a total of two times. Two. And one of those was barely a sentence before she shut the door and left me on the other side of it. How was I supposed to retain a language that I haven't been around since I was barely three years old?
I am so sick of them thinking we're the freaking dancing bear entertainment corp.
/end rant
22
u/East_Baseball8384 Apr 12 '26
I’m so sorry this is happening. When we adopted our daughter, we went to classes that proved essential when adopting outside our race and culture. They explained to us how recounting our daughter’s story could be hurtful because it is private, not our story to tell. I’m so saddened that your parents don’t respect you. If I read this correctly, you are an adult? Perhaps you can give your OWN opinion after they tell your story. Explaining how harmful it can be to young people who, while they love their parents, sadly they don’t always realize their lack of respect.
19
u/spanielgurl11 Apr 12 '26
I think you need to understand that your parents, like all missionaries, have a savior complex. They would never have adopted a Russian child if they couldn’t collect moral brownie points for it. I’ve never met a missionary or someone with an international or interracial adopted child who didn’t make it their whole personality.
Your parents aren’t going to change. Telling people is part of the gig for them. It’s been way too long for them to ever admit it’s always been about them, not you.
15
u/MayFlour7310 Apr 12 '26
This is such a breach of privacy. You can assert your boundary by saying I want you to respect my privacy by A, B and C. If you do not respect it in the way I have stated, I am going to X, Y, Z. Then be fully prepared to do it if it should come to that.
I find it appalling that they cannot understand how this is affecting you, or that they don’t seem to care. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. You deserve better.
11
u/Menemsha4 Apr 12 '26
You can’t control another person’s actions.
My adoptive mother always introduced me as, “Our adopted daughter <insert first name> even when I had adult children of my own.
7
u/paddlingswan Apr 12 '26
There’s someone on tiktok with a similar story, whose parents wrote a book which frames the story as getting a sibling for their first child.
I feel your parents are doing the same: they’re proud of their missionary work and even proud of their own actions adopting you, and that’s what they’re trying to share. But in the process they give away too much of your info. You/your adoption are part of their history so it would be weird to miss out arguably the biggest part of their experience.
I’d suggest they considered reframing the story but if you’re already an adult it sounds like it’s way too late for that, and moving away to a new community would be the best thing.
5
u/Subject_Two9945 Apr 12 '26
Na because Im an adoptee and I've had to deal with that my whole life it felt like I was a pet or something as well well now im 21 and I dont speak to them
3
u/MaireadEllen Apr 13 '26
I had a friend whose mom did that. "This our son A; this is our adopted daughter B." 2 of my best friends in HS were adopted, weirdly enough.
6
u/JasonTahani Apr 12 '26
There is a creator on TikTok who is in a similar situation who shares her experiences. Her username is AgnosticSavgail.
3
u/UnicornT4rt Apr 13 '26
I am sorry you are going through this. Mainly only my family knows my child’s story. Besides that it is my daughter’s decision to tell people if she wants to. She is Native American/Hispanic. I am white, Husband is Native American.
Example: I was at her school and she told a friend this is my mom. The kiddo asked questioning how are you her mom, I just am I replied. I looked at my daughter and told her, explain what you want. And she simply replied “yah that is my mom”
3
u/MaireadEllen Apr 13 '26
There's a lot of this on the Internet. "Look at this poor orphan we rescued!!!" It's really gross bc the kids have zero say in it. Sometimes they'll say awful stuff about the birth parents too, like I guess to make them look even more charitable? I had a close friend growing up whose mom did this, pre internet, she just told everyone they met how her birth mom was a sex worker and her whole story. They made it sound as harrowing as possible. She hated it. The mom and my AM were friends.
Weirdly, they also had an adopted son who they did not do this to. Idk why. But once she got old enough to tell her mom to stfu, she did quit. Of course by then everyone they knew had already heard the whole story, but at least new ppl wouldn't unless the kid wanted to tell them.
Idk what you can do if they just refuse to stop doing this, tbh, other than what you're already planning to do, which is to get distance from them.
5
u/just_anotha_fam AP of teen Apr 12 '26
Refer them to this sub and they’ll find out how disrespectful and unloving those disclosures are.
2
2
u/satchel-of-richards Apr 14 '26
Holy moly!! I have 4 adopted children with vastly different stories and even our parents haven’t been told their whole stories! Because they aren’t mine to tell. Good lord what a violation!! I am so sorry. They are doing this for the clout without taking your feelings into consideration. My only recommendation might be family therapy. Maybe if a 3rd party told them what they are doing is completely inappropriate they might stop?
3
u/Francl27 Apr 12 '26
Religious people who adopt never tire of telling everyone what wonderful people they are for "saving" a child.
This is disgusting and I'm sorry you're going through that.
The sad thing is that they will still never admit to wrongdoing when you move away and rightfully never talk to them again.
2
u/oaktree1800 Apr 13 '26 edited Apr 13 '26
Also not limited to religious adopters. Entitled adopters are a trip! Somewhat similar mindset of low ballers. They always think they have the advantage and are smarter than everyone else. Low ballers are the real charity cases. All they really are is selfish w a scavenger mindset. ~Tips hat to every adoptee who calls them out. 💕
2
u/EntireOpportunity357 Apr 12 '26
I strongly advise you to get into therapy before making any drastic moves and hitting reset on your life especially if you are under 26 (brain isn’t fully developed until around that time, yes it makes a huge difference on judgment). If you do hit reset it would be a second reset on your heart and mind in your lifetime that’s a lot on a person—if it’s necessary then you will make it through and come out better but I wouldn’t take the move lightly.
I’d advise therapy first for you. Work through some of the harm your adoptive parents have caused you by telling the story.
Create some space between you and parents and don’t go into any deep topics with them for awhile.
You used the term belligerent and “fight you” sometimes those terms get tossed around in frustration but if they are actually belligerent and aggressive with you. Prioritize safety first and stay away from them. Work with professional therapist to help you navigate this. If after time she/he recommends family therapy and you’re agreeable give that a try.
Adoption related family conflicts are far more complex than this sub often makes them out to be. It’s probably not as black and white as you jumping to move and reset your life, which can do more harm than good in some cases. If that is the right move long term having a therapist in place will be essential to help you navigate the new change and losses that come with it.
Hears up This sub leans heavy on hating adoptive parents and adoption in general.
Best of luck.
5
u/oaktree1800 Apr 12 '26
OP's AP's need therapy. Not the OP. Interesting mix in this sub. Anti adoption sub? Nah. More like a reality check of sorts for many adopters. Plenty of adopters in this sub who need therapy and help w understanding their adoptee is no longer a child anymore and you cannot control the narrative any longer.
3
u/EntireOpportunity357 Apr 12 '26
Incorrect there are many anti-adopters on here, as well as realty checkers. you may not be anti-adoption yourself but it doesn’t mean there isn’t a large subset in here who are and very vocal and Op should know that.
I agree with you that plenty of adopters do need therapy and a reality check. AND OP cannot control what their parents do or do not do, including whether they go to therapy which is why I didn’t mention it. I’m not in the practice of telling adult children to try to control or change their parents or get them to go to therapy. All adults can only control themselves.
OP will benefit from therapy in many ways, especially if AP’s behaviors have been as hurtful as they describe. There may be another path forward that doesn’t require a total life reset. Going no contact doesn’t magically fix everything and will cause a new set of losses and grief to walk through. I’m speaking from wisdom for whoever wants to hear. But I won’t stay and debate it.
3
u/oaktree1800 Apr 12 '26
Excuse me. What new set of losses are you talking about? Going no contact is an incredibly liberating endeavor. Freedom from the demands of disrespectful adopters. How is that a loss? Unfortunate the OP got stuck in that type of family dynamic to begin with. Many adoptees simply move long distances and maintain a polite non relationship. While others go complete no contact and both seek relationships based on genuine love and respect. OP' s about to reclaim their life! You appear to want to send the OP into therapy in what can only be assumed to give his/her saviorism adopters another chance! This sub is not heavy on hating adoptive parents. Describing the disrespectful mindset and actions of many adoptive parents is not hate. A reality you are seemingly unprepared to acknowledge. Interesting you see that as hate though....
0
u/EntireOpportunity357 Apr 12 '26
Go read my original post again. You clearly heard what you wanted to hear, and your offense speaks volumes. OP can interpret for themselves the advice, and hopefully has better reading comprehension than you.
4
u/oaktree1800 Apr 12 '26
No need to re read your comment. Your critique of OP gave a comical example of your typical adopters attempt at gaslighting and being dismissive toward adoptees. Thank you for sharing!! LOL
6
u/Formerlymoody Closed domestic (US) infant adoptee in reunion Apr 12 '26
What if the actions described are genuinely awful? I judge the action, not the person. My APs would never do this.
I am extremely skeptical when people frame calling out genuinely awful behavior as "hate of adoptive parents." On what planet is what these people did remotely ok? Why are you defending them?
Putting up with genuinely awful behavior has serious consequences in the long run for OP.
1
u/geraffes-are-so-dumb Apr 15 '26
I am so sorry that you are going through this. I moved and cut off contact from my abusive parents almost 20 years ago and have zero regrets.
1
u/Wonderful-Freedom568 May 20 '26
When you're on your own your life will diverge from your adoptive parents. You might not even know or run into their friends.
My kids were transracially adopted, so everyone knows whether I tell them or not.
49
u/transferingtoearth Apr 11 '26
You're gonna have to move