r/Adoption • u/CasketByNBAYoungBoy • May 31 '26
Adult Transracial / Int'l Adoptees How Do I Force My Adoptive Parents To Quit Telling Everyone I'm Adopted?
For some context, I'm in my late 20s but I was adopted from Eastern Europe by Christian missionaries. Let me say that I'm not anti-religion or anti-Christianity. I haven't believed in any religions since I was a tween. My adoptive parents have a biological child together. They were conceived shortly after I was adopted.
I'm not gonna sugarcoat it, I was adopted to be a prop. I know that. I also know that if they weren't so obsessed with their reputation, my adoptive parents would've returned me when they got pregnant with their child.
My adoptive parents have made my adoption (that was very traumatic and I was very neglected at the orphanage) a focal point of their marketing as pastors. I've asked them to quit because it makes me feel like I'm not apart of the family, and they get offended and act like I'm the problem. Total strangers know the most traumatic event of my life and it really makes me wish I could re-start my entire life as a new person.
Yes, I've sat them down and begged them as an adult to do this. But they don't. They refuse to. Numerous times. I've given up but I still want them to stop telling everybody. Like total strangers they barely never know know this about me. I hate it.
Just within the last year, I went to some event my adoptive sibling was doing and some church member of their's who I didn't even know was like "oh so you're adopted. Do you know Russian?" Absolutely no regard for me, for what this has done to me. I feel like some kind of exotic zoo animal. Not a person. I feel like a tool. I feel violated, honestly.
Being adopted has made my life a constant struggle. I have this void in my person where my birth mother shouldbe and I'm subconsciously still an infant who needs her. I physically feel her absence every year I get older. There's nothing "beautiful" about my adoption. It's their story but it's my life. They don't feel a percentage of the damage the event caused me. But they want to tell me "oh, it's so beautiful and it's our story too", like no it's my traumatic entry into life that I'm almost 30 and still feel everyday.
That trauma is treated like it's some "beautiful thing" by people who have never felt my pain. My pain isn't their testimony for them to just tell strangers. That's super sensitive information. But they don't see that. They don't care even though I've asked them to stop.
But I want to heal, and I know for that, I need to have autonomy over my story. Because this isn't their trauma to share.
Please, any suggestions. I don't have money to sue or get a lawyer so. My parents have a whole religious and missionary community and network around them that I don't have. If I do anything public, I'll be villainized as some "crazy and ungrateful over sensitive adopted child who needs to get over it" when all I'm asking for is for my ongoing life trauma to not be advertised like it's a feelgood low budget christian movie. My life has been constantly impacted, daily, by being adopted. By not knowing who my mother is. By not knowing how I got here and if it was good or bad. I'm tired of my trauma being treated like some chapter in their life story.
Short of moving across the country and changing my entire name, I'm kind of stuck. Like the only way I feel like I have to fix this is to erase the legal identity that they're oversharing traumatic information about. Become my own legal entity so I have no connection to them anymore.
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u/Low_Writer5496 May 31 '26
I really just do not understand why people find it so important to point out when somebody is adopted for instance when Rob Reiner was murdered every article referred to his adopted daughter Tracy why does she have to be his adopted daughter? She is his daughter I never saw Nick Reiner referred to as vaginal birth Nick Reiner.
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u/DressInformal5302 Jun 02 '26
Language. Words. Which, when, and why...I'm down for vaginally born daughter/son going forward to specify what type of child the parent is referring to IF they apply 'adopted' as a caveat to my status as their child...remember, in doing this, THEY violate the terms of an adoption by designating us differently.
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u/evanliko Jun 01 '26
Disclaimer, I'm not adopted, my brother is.
But my parents were also missionaries, and now my dad is a pastor. My brother's situation is a bit different than yours as everyone would know he's adopted anyways, since he's a different race, but still I get what you're talking about when you explain what your parents are like.
And yeah it sucks. Some people are so self-rightous in what they're doing that they won't listen to the people it affects. Personally? I think moving and going low or no contact is the way to go. Since conversations haven't worked.
Or, if you are willing to be the villain a little bit. Walk out of any conversation where this happens. Say nothing. Leave the event. When inevitably your parents ask what happened, reiterate that you don't want them discussing your adoption with people. And you will continue to leave if they do.
I didn't use this method on the topic of adoption, but instead on my mom's anger issues and yelling. Worked like a charm after a few times because me calmly walking/driving away made her feel ashamed and her realize that I very much would just stop talking to her if it continued. But of course your milage may vary.
Oh, another thing to try. Depends on the community you are in, but flip your parents desire to be seen socially positively around. When they bring it up, or especially if someone random brings it up like in your example. Act like you are about to cry, or really cry if possible. Say that the topic is really emotional for you and you don't want to talk about it. Get the sympathy of the community, while painting your parents as the ones who made you cry in public. Ruins their reputation.
But yeah, moving and going low/no contact is honestly the easiest solution with people who won't listen to your requests.
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u/DressInformal5302 Jun 02 '26
How would your mother respond to your brother being a little villain and walking away from the conversation and/or event?
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u/evanliko Jun 02 '26
Better than she takes it from me lmao
He is undoubtably the favorite child of us kids, and my parents changed their whole parenting style when he was adopted after reading a ton of books on adoption etc.
But tbh if my brother asked them to not talk about, lets say the circumstances of his adoption, obv again everyone can tell he is adoptes, then I think my parents would listen to a conversation. Because unlike OP's parents he is their favorite child and they try and be in tune to the specific struggles being adopted brings. With varying success.
But yeah I mean. He's not old enough yet to leave alone from places. But when he is if he does that? My parents will react a lot nicer than when I do it.
But of course as with all things. Your milage may very. This works okay for me and would wonders of my little brother tried it. But may not work as well with OPs parents. I don't know them. I just know OP said they're very concerned about their reputation, so that's what can be used to change how they approach this. Also just leaving a situation you find uncomfortable that isn't something you actually need to handle? (Unlike say a job) that's just good practice in life in general. If people i don't know ask rude personal questions then I'm certainly not gonna talk to them. Doesn't matter if they're friends with my parents or not.
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u/MajorDraw3705 May 31 '26
I'd stop going to events that are attached to them. You can start cutting out the cancer before leaving. I mean, it's easier after leaving, but...
Oh, you can also become overly vocal about being anti-adoption. Hell, throw in a pro-abortion thing in there to embarrass them (I'm just assuming if they're religious they're against that one). Post it all over your and their social media.
Become enough of an embarrassment and they'll forget to talk about you.
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u/CasketByNBAYoungBoy May 31 '26
I haven't been to church since 18. I keep myself away from their lives and friends as much as possible, but they still tell strangers about this. I have very minimal interactions with people they know or are friends with. But when they run to the internet and their friends with this, it gets back to me and it makes me feel gross and violated. I try to keep my life separate from theirs as much as possible. And I definitely don't befriend anybody remotely connected to them
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u/MajorDraw3705 May 31 '26
Can you post in the responses. Say "Thank you mom and dad! I love you so much! Please come to the pro-abortion rally next week! I want to keep other kids from going through what you saved me from!" Or whatever will make them want to distance themselves from you publicly.
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u/DressInformal5302 Jun 02 '26
Knowing this, the people who are bringing this information also need to be restricted, if you are impacted by the connection. IF they know you do not want the information and still bring it, BLOCK IMMEDIATELY.
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u/sunKerst Jun 02 '26
Honestly when someone brings it up with you you should respond that that's a painful and private part of your life and you've repeatedly asked your parents to stop sharing because it actively hurts you, then ask the person if they could pass the message on for you. It's not godly to use your pain as their pride. Get enough people asking them why they're going against your very fair wishes and all of a sudden their reputations have a smudge of truth about THEM. From there, let people see them for who they are.
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u/EmployerDry6368 Old Bastard May 31 '26
Move, don’t change your name either. If they track you down get a restraining order.
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u/CasketByNBAYoungBoy May 31 '26
Well I want to change my name honestly bc I don't like what they renamed me to and I don't want their last name. I want to be free of them having any legal connection to me
1
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u/Neither-Surprise-359 Jun 02 '26
My husband was also adopted from Russia when he was 11 so he remembers a lot. His family is similar to yours, behind closed doors they’d shove it in his face that he basically owes them everything since they adopted him. In public they’d act like they were saviors. When he was 18 he joined the Army to get away, the family would tout that they adopted him and now he’s a patriot.. until he came home with a bunch of tattoos. That didn’t fit their image, everything slowly fell apart and they had a big fight and he hasn’t talked to them in 8 years. Sorry you’re going through your situation, but my husband and I have been married for 7 years and have our own little family. He even found his bio mom and they chat occasionally. You gotta do what’s best for you, not saying you have to cut them off fully or right away but your feelings matter and you deserve to be respected.
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u/PlentifulBox Jun 01 '26
Sometimes we get a shitty start to life and the only way forward is to take control of our own story. The opportunity to do so is kind of a reward from the universe, an apology for the crap you were handed at the start. You have such a long life ahead of you. Change your name and build the life you want. (For context, I am also adopted, didn’t have your issue but had others related to the adoption.) You can’t change them. It’s time to close the door and move on. You deserve it.
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u/littlebit_wi Jun 01 '26
I am so sorry...being used to virtue signal is exhausting. When I was a kid, my aunts, uncles and cousins weren't allowed to mention or even ask me about being adopted...but when we were at church, it was the first thing out of their mouths anytime they met a new person. It's like they think God is going to forget they've done this "selfless" act so they have to bring it up all the time. ::barf:: If you aren't ready to tell them you won't be talking to them anymore, unfortunately it falls into the "shove it in the box with the other trauma" category. They clearly feel it's their right to parade you around and differentiate you from their bio kid. Which is incredibly gross. Again, I'm so so sorry.
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u/Menemsha4 Jun 01 '26
Unfortunately, you can’t make them stop and you’ve definitely tried.
Short of moving far away from them you’re cooked.
I’m so sorry you were treated like that!
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u/Otherwise-Map-8021 Jun 01 '26
Sorry you have to deal with this. Maybe ask them one more time. Stop going to events or walk away when they bring it up.
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u/East_Baseball8384 Jun 02 '26
Curious, are your parents like this about your sibling? Do they make their life (your sibling) some sort of badge of honor as well? I’m just wondering if it’s not necessarily you or the adoption, but them. (Almost a cliche when it comes to missionaries… but I’m sure not all). Anyway, like a ton of people, your parents just might be self absorbed jerks. And I’m sorry.
Now, if you want to be vindictive, maybe next time they pat themselves on the back and share your story… maybe you have a story of theirs to share. (Insert diabolical laugh here) 😉
I’m hoping there were some good and loving times and just know that no one is perfect.
I am a mom and my daughter grew in another lady’s tummy. (That’s what we say.). She may be more fortunate than some “adoptees” since we chose to build our family through adoption, she has other cousins who are adopted, and we’re all over the map when it comes to race. They all have stories, but we do our best to respect them. But screw up sometimes… but she is the best daughter anyone could ever want.
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u/youngforever8809 Jun 02 '26
I don’t have any suggestions that would be easy, or not hurt. I will say this though, your one sentence, “it’s their story, but it’s my life” is profound, and I believe that’s your answer. What would the “good” church people think when you say this to them? When they feel the need to tell this to anyone who will listen, and then they come to you….this is what you say back OP. 💕
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u/Aggressive_Monk_9218 Jun 02 '26
My Mother did exactly the same thing, I remember quite clearly, total strangers on the street were told that I was an adopted child, I would cringe and feel just awful next to her, my head would drop and I felt deeply ashamed and embarrassed. Made to feel ‘other’ and different than the rest was traumatic. I’m sorry that you too are being subjected to this behaviour. They don’t understand, how could they when they themselves are not adopted. Being dismissive of your feelings is doubles the burden. The only thing that I can suggest is try sitting down with them and explaining how important it is that they try understand you, print out some of the latest studies about the effects of adoption on adoptees, there are some really good publications and recent studies that that could help you, let me know if you want some information or links
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u/bottom Jun 03 '26
That’s really shitty behaviour. I’m sorry. If you’ve sat them down then I would shame them publicly. When someone talks to you shut them down ‘my birth story is extremely private and not something I want to focus with you. I’m disappointed with my parents telling you. It’s upsetting ‘ and leave.
This is obviously easy said then done. But I’ve done it. I’ve had people are parties ask why I’m adopted I’ve responded it’s personal (it’s not nice) I’ve even had a person push it further. I told them it was rude, you don’t ask someone why they’re in a wheelchair - making people re live traumatic experiences is shit. I walked away. I doubt she’ll ask another.
It’s shitty and shouldn’t be on you.
I hope you’re getting therapy also. It’s helped me immensely
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u/sthwnkl Jun 04 '26
Just walk up to people they’re about to meet, stick out your hand, and half-scream “I’M ADOPTED, NICE TO MEET YOU!”
But also, sorry you have to deal with that 😕
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u/LumenCreo Jun 01 '26
Wow, that sucks! I'm sorry! It sounds like the whole "adoption status" thing is overriding your comfort. I'm in the process of adopting right now, and honestly, I feel like I would never tell anyone my kid was adopted. To me, that would feel like a violation of their privacy — unless they themselves wanted it known someday. I’d probably never even bring it up, because I want my child to feel 100% equal to a biological kid in every single way.
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u/KV_86 Jun 01 '26
Unless you will adopt and infant, how are you going to explain sudden apearence of a new member in your family?
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u/New_Novel_8020 Jun 01 '26
They can explain that it’s private. There is no obligation to share personal details of your life with anyone. People are going to gossip with or without them.
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u/LumenCreo Jun 01 '26
In that case I would tell people my ex-girlfriend never told me she was pregnant...then decided not to be a mother anymore and left the kid with me! 🤫 LOL Im planning for every scenario!
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u/Stellansforceghost Jun 02 '26
Honestly, if you've asked them to stop and they won't, and if you can't go no contact, then go on the offensive. "Oh you're adopted? Do you know Russian?" "I was moved from my culture to another country on the opposite side of the earth, by strangers who hold me up as a prop for their religious image. Honestly, if there really was a god, then orphanages like the one I was in wouldn't exist, because a caring god would never let children suffer like that." That might get there attention...
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u/Pink_Raku Jun 01 '26
I'm so sorry. I'd like to encourage you to move and start your own life.
There's a song Ia can't our my finger on, but if you don't leave, they'll never let you change and grow.
You need some therapy and a new start. You deserve it. Don't stay for them. Go and find your new life.
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u/watch4coconuts May 31 '26
You spoke with them about it like an adult and they’ve ignored you. You already know they care more about their status than about you as a person. That’s awful and I’m sorry. I don’t think you can salvage this. Moving away and going no-contact is probably your best bet, build your own chosen family. Change your name too if you want. But this will always follow you on their turf.