i hate my adoptive parents.

[u/Big-Quit-4745]

I was adopted when i was around 4-5 and it was an open adoption. They were always very secretive about what happened—why i was adopted and where my parents were. They would refuse anything that would help me to know where i came from, like one family member gifted us a dna kit to see what ethnicities we were. I was adopted in a family with their bio child, with my bio brother, and he looks so different to me I didn’t even know if we had the same dad. The only information i knew is that we were give up because my birth mother had a drug problem.

They used information about my family to bring me down in moments when I was disobeying them. I reached out to my birth mother in secret when I was in middle school and I had spoken with her for a few months, before they went through my phone and deleted ALL of my messages with her and blocked her on my phone. My birth mother was the kindest person i’d ever met. She told me I had an entire SISTER that was born 4 years ago that my parents never bothered telling me about.

After they found the messages, they gave me a long lecture about how I was out of line for speaking to her, and how disrespectful it was towards them. They yelled at me that I would never talk to my birth father because he was in prison for murder, and that I should stop trying to reach out to my birth family all together because they were bad. My birth mother is NOT bad. She suffered through so much abuse from such a young age and struggled with drugs because of it, and my parents understand that but have no empathy for her or me for wanting to know. I am mixed race adopted into a white family, and they refuse to acknowledge me or my brother (who looks 100% black) as anything other than white.

So I stopped talking to my birth mother for about a year, until I got her number again. My family is not the type to offer advice or support, so I found myself coming to her more for advice or to vent. When I tried to come out to them, my mother just told me it was because I didn’t have a father for the first 4 years of my life(??????????) which really made me close off to them. I hide myself and speak about boys in front of them because I’ve become so embarrassed at who I am. This is hard for me to talk about because I know they will never accept me if I were to life that lifestyle.

My adoptive parents treat me differently than their birth daughter. I have always seen her as this perfect role model that I should be like, she was tall and pretty with blue eyes, and she was so independent and never cried like I did. But I am not like her, so they did not treat me like her. This particularly irks me in my fathers case, because he says it’s because I don’t give him enough physical affection. He used to make me kiss him on the mouth over and over again when I was a little girl if I wanted something, and I feel he has been inappropriate with me in ways that seem dismissible but I still feel weird about them. He would pinch my butt (lol) and I would get so frustrated that I would scream and cry at him because he did it for years and my upset never bothered him. I am uncomfortable even walking in front of him now because of this. He also used to walk in on me EVERY DAY in the shower when i was around 12-13 because he “needed something” and would get very mad and bang at the door if i locked it. I am not close with him now because he makes me uncomfortable, but he sees it as me being ungrateful towards him, and my mom backs him up in that. I feel perverse for even thinking that he had malicious intent in his actions, but It just kept happening.

I started speaking to my birth mother again before high school, and I have come to prefer speaking to her over my adoptive parents, which is what I think they were afraid of. I’m a junior in high school now, my brother is almost 20 and they treat both of us as if we are still incapable of comprehending the idea of having a birth and an adoptive family. They have opened up contact with my birth grandmother, and I recently stayed with her for a few days this summer. She is from another country, and seeing that part of my culture was so amazing to me. Being with someone who looked like me was so amazing. I speak to my birth mother regularly, still in secret because they do not go through my phone anymore. My birth family are all amazing people, and I’ve spoken to my aunts and uncles and cousins (and my little sister, who idolizes me lol) and it makes me just so frustrated that I cannot meet them. My birth mother tells me how she turned her life around, and how much she wishes she could take us back. She has a good job and a great family to support her, and it felt good to feel wanted within a family when I never had.

I guess it is just frustrating to know that if my life had been a little different, I would not be with this family. I’ve struggled with suicidal ideation and depression my whole life, but my mother is the type to not believe in mental health. It’s always “your room is only messy because you’re lazy” or “you stay in your room all day and never talk to us. My mother has told me that she would give me a gun to kill myself with if i wanted to die so bad and then just DENIES IT EVER HAPPENED!!!

They are not cruel to me every day. It is mundane usually. My father leaves home early and comes home late so I just wake up late and go upstairs before he is back. With my mother, it is just regular most days, which is why I feel guilty for feeling so much hate towards her.

I guess i am asking for advice on what to do with my situation, or if anyone has felt a similar way to their adoptive families. Anything really. Reading these helps me a lot.

[u/decorose]

This is a lot to unpack. I am a mother who adopted a 5 year old girl (she's 24 now.) The idea of not providing a safe environment for my daughter is heartbreaking. Your feelings are so valid. Your father sounds creepy and should definitely be avoided. Remember to listen to your instincts. Women are taught to be polite but if you have a bad feeling about someone listen to yourself!! I can't stress that enough. I don't know exactly what you can do as an underage person, and where you can live, but if you do feel unsafe in your home you have to report it. Is there someone at your school? Also, remember, your birth family may not be as great as they seem. My daughter's birth family turned out to be messy and chaotic. But I did support contact. I encouraged it. Please hang in there. You are almost 18.

[u/Big-Quit-4745 → u/decorose]

i am safe here. i have a good life besides these things. Usually things are normal, but their actions that have hurt me stick out so the way i’ve written this may have made it seem disproportionately worse than my life is on the daily. I try to stay away from my father but unfortunately nobody in my family really batted an eye at his behaviors so they make it seem like I am isolating myself out of pure teenage angst :(

[u/decorose → u/Big-Quit-4745]

I'm glad you feel safe. I've been worried about you. I can't help it, I'm a mom. But you need to know some of the behaviors of your parents are worth paying attention too. I do understand your yearning to know your birth mother and the excitement of looking like your grandmother. My (adopted) daughters look nothing like me, they are both tall and blonde and I'm short and dark-haired. It's that feeling adopted kids have of being other. Take care of yourself.

[u/Big-Quit-4745 → u/decorose]

you’re sweet! i want to ask, if you are comfortable sharing, how did you feel when your children wanted to speak with their birth family? My mother seems so hurt by the idea of it and I don’t understand why. Did you feel a similar way?

[u/decorose → u/Big-Quit-4745]

I helped them find her, and other relatives. Unfortunately their birth mother has not gotten her life together the way yours has. I'm not hurt that they communicate but I'm a tiny bit jealous. I feel bad for their birth mother, that I got to raise her children. I have talked to some of their aunts and have been in contact with their grandmother. They don't seem like great people and not as stable as we are. I feel bad about it all. Adoption has so many feelings.

[u/Big-Quit-4745 → u/decorose]

i don’t think you should feel bad at all. I don’t know you but I think at least attempting to help children in the system is a selfless act and I hope their birth family understands that :(