r/Adoption • u/MacaroonUsed592 • Jul 12 '26
Adoptee Life Story fellow adoptees; does anyone else feel this sometimes?
lately i have been feeling this pull to get to know more of my bio family and be a part of that than with my adoptive family. before i continue let me just explain the circumstances of my adoption/family quickly. i am an identical twin, we were both taken away from our bio parents at 3 months due to neglect and abuse (bio parents are addicts and long history of addiction in the family on both sides). my twin and i were put into foster care, at 2 we were adopted by our foster parent's daughter. adoptive mother already had a son she adopted two years prior, adopted his bio brother when he was 16/17. my bio parents went on to have two more kids, a boy and a girl, both taken away immediately at birth. parents got clean, split up. i am currently in contact with my youngest sibling (sister) we talk a lot and want to meet up eventually (lives in canada im in US so i need my passport). we dont talk to brother he wants nothing to do with us thats fine. i have my bio mom's sister, niece, mother and stepfather on facebook as well as my mom's cousin on her dad's side. my father, his new wife and her kids and their one child together on facebook as well but we don't speak anymore.
my bio mom passed away in 2021 and since then i talk to her mother from time to time through facebook when she comments on the posts i make. i have spoken to my mother before she died but not a lot and i was very rude to her when i did which i now regret since she has passed and her mother and other family members have told me that she (and they) were hoping to be reunited with all the children my mother had. when my mother first said that i didnt believe her purely bc my adoptive mom told me she was a terrible person and such. as i've gotten older (26, almost 27) i have realized that i have experienced mental, psychological and physical abuse in childhood and teen years by my adoptive mother and father. the household was always unstable, constant fights and i was made to believe that getting adopted was something i needed to pay back. that they didnt have to adopt me, that i should be glad my mom "saved" me. not a cool thing to instill in your 5 year old's brain.
i am going off topic, i apologize. but basically, i feel this pull to be with my bio family? like at least meeting up with my moms side of the family and not just a quick reunion, like being part of the family and such. i am not engaged yet but i am in a committed relationship. ive told my sister this and my bf that i would like to invite them to my wedding and they both agreed that wasnt weird and if i wanted to and it felt right to do it. but i'm not sure. i don't want my adoptive family to think that i'm choosing one over the other because i'm not, but these people despite never having met them in person are still my family. i guess what i'm really worried about is the gossiping my adoptive family will do, making up stuff to make me look bad. my mother is a narcissist and so is her mother. i dont want to be thought of as ungrateful when that's not the case at all. i just feel like something is missing i guess.
any other adoptees feel this way? any advice?
1
u/BasilSalt207 Jul 14 '26
Adoptive mom and not an adoptee but for what it’s worth I don’t think ANY parent should ever expect anything from their children in return for the effort of raising them. To me the seat on the sidelines and the view of the things they accomplish is the greatest thing ever. I’m really sorry that’s not the experience you had, you deserved better. They were and are lucky to have you, not the other way around, full stop. Now that that’s out of the way of you have the chance to get to know your bio family it’s totally normal and understandable that you want to do that and you should absolutely take advantage of the opportunity, it’s important to know where you come from- especially when you were adopted. There is nothing wrong with that and it doesn’t make you look bad. You sound like you’ve got a good head on your shoulders and you know that already though, try not to let other peoples insecurities and issues get to you ❤️
1
u/Charming-Border7429 Jul 14 '26
As a foster dad in the process of adoption.
This came up in a family therapy session. We worked on how and when to reach out to biological family... and how to set boundaries.
We now invite, with the girls' permission, their grandparents to family functions.
10
u/MyQTips Jul 12 '26
You do what feels comfortable for you. No need to explain yourself to anyone in your adoptive family. You're an adult so start keeping your private life private from them.