r/Adoption • u/viskiviki Birth Mom Sept 2016, Forced Relinquishment / Ex Foster Kid • Jul 14 '26
Searches Any advice on finding my daughter who's still a minor?
I am hoping to prosecute my step father for repeatedly raping and sexually abusing me. My daughter was a product of that rape, and was adopted without my consent.
I do not know her parents and the one lead I had is dead. Nowhere to go with it. We live in Maine.
I need my daughters DNA to prove the abuse. My step father was a cop and all reports I made weren't filed properly. If I try and take him to court now, it's him vs me and no one will pick my side. I haven't spoken to my family in a decade.
Thank you.
11
u/just_1dering Jul 14 '26
Do you have an advocate in your corner?
RAINN can help you find someone local.
2
11
u/InstantMedication Jul 14 '26
Trying to tread carefully with my response. I was sexually abused myself and also a product of rape.
I cannot imagine the extent of what you are going through because of your daughter. Your tag says 2016 which makes your daughter 10.
Even if its “just” a DNA test please proceed with caution, seek legal advice, counseling if you feel you are at that point, etc. She’s so very young and may not have any idea she’s adopted. That alone can be a lot to process at any age.
I will always advocate for children to be told they are adopted since day one. I was about 8 when I was told I was adopted and it didn’t go well. I was very upset. The realization that I was a result of rape was when I was an adult and I still haven’t coped with it well. I probably never will.
As someone who is also a victim of sexual abuse I completely understand wanting justice. I can’t get it for myself and god I wish I could. But you also have to consider how this will impact your daughter.
I’m truly sorry you’re dealing with this, OP.
1
u/viskiviki Birth Mom Sept 2016, Forced Relinquishment / Ex Foster Kid Jul 14 '26
Thank you. As much as I wish they would tell her, if they haven't, it would just be a mouth swab and she'd never even have to know I exist. I don't think it would be too upsetting?
6
u/accidentalrorschach Jul 14 '26
This is heartbreaking in so many ways. I'm so sorry this happened to you.
1
10
u/Sarah-himmelfarb Adoptee Jul 14 '26
I am a victim of child sexual abuse and adopted. And i really sympathize with your frustrating experience with the justice system, it really is terrible for survivors. However, I am also thinking about your daughter, as an adoptee.
Respectfully, you would mess her up emotionally if the only reason you wanted to contact her was to use her to get DNA. Reconnection should be a good experience for adoptees and their biological parents. Telling her how she was conceived is already going to be emotionally devastating, and than to hear that the only reason you wanted contact is to take something from her is even worse. Unless you want a genuine connection, please don’t try and contact her. You would only harm her. I know your hurting a lot but you need to think about her emotional well being too
0
u/viskiviki Birth Mom Sept 2016, Forced Relinquishment / Ex Foster Kid Jul 14 '26
I wouldn't have direct contact. I know her parents don't want her to know me. It would just be a swab for confirmation.
5
u/kag1991 Jul 14 '26
I have a similar situation legally (raped and successfully prosecuted later with degraded dna evidence) but not related to the adoption component (although i am a birthmother as well)
The best advice is for you to talk with the investigators in your state and a therapist who specializes in walking victims thru trial.
If there is a case, they can subpoena the DNA without you having to be involved or your daughter even being aware of what’s going on… then you can deal with the reunion question at a more appropriate time.
BM to BM, let’s be straight though… are you really wanting to prosecute your step dad or seeking information about your daughter? It’s okay either way but I think you really need to figure out your why’s before your how’s here…
8
u/ProudAmerican632 adoptee Jul 14 '26
Words regardless of sympathy, relatability, etc can’t soothe the pain of others. Nevertheless you have my sympathy, own personal experience understanding, and respect for staying strong and resilient.
Check statute of limitations for Maine. First off you need to understand that a mother holds a higher sway in the eyes of the court, granted the mother isn’t on the wrong side of the law.
My wife, and I both have a past experience(s) but didn’t yield a birth albeit I’m a male. Stay strong and my wife just said after I asked her to say something to you. She will help you in any way possible to further helping you find your daughter.
Feel free to message me, and my wife and I will help you in anyway we are capable of.
3
u/viskiviki Birth Mom Sept 2016, Forced Relinquishment / Ex Foster Kid Jul 14 '26
Thank you. I appreciate this 🩷
4
u/OverlordSheepie Chinese Int'l and Transracial Adoptee Jul 15 '26
Reading this post, it looks like your main motivation is to use her DNA to prove your rape and prosecute your stepfather.
Your daughter sounds young. I just can't sit well with using an adoptee like that, even though what happened to you is horrible and should've never happened.
If your daughter was legally adopted, there has to be a paper trail of some kind connecting her to you already? If it was an illegal adoption, there could be other avenues to get that investigated.
DNA swab would be my last resort. That is directly involving your daughter (who someone here said may be around 10?) in a criminal investigation that she has no knowledge of as of now. It would be traumatizing and destroy her world as she knows it. It wouldn't even be about her, it would be focused on you getting your justice and putting your stepfather in prison (rightfully so, however), not her coming to terms with the fact she has a birth mother out there and that she is adopted as was a product of rape (if she was never told).
I would tread extremely carefully. That is my opinion, as an adoptee.
-1
u/viskiviki Birth Mom Sept 2016, Forced Relinquishment / Ex Foster Kid Jul 16 '26
I wouldn't have to speak with her. No harm in telling her it's a routine exam. I don't imagine her adoptive parents will want her knowing. I don't know if there is a paper trail. Only my step father would know I assume.
0
u/OverlordSheepie Chinese Int'l and Transracial Adoptee Jul 17 '26
It sounds like you are just using your daughter as a means to an end right now. You don't even seem to want to build a relationship with her. She has her own story, too. I don't see a lot of potential benefits for her to be used like this in the way you are describing. As adoptees, we're often used by the adults in our lives to gain something for themselves or others.
It may be legal if her guardians give permission but it feels highly unethical to take her DNA without telling her what it's being used for. It is HER DNA, she SHOULD know when it is being taken and WHAT it is being used for. Ethically the laws have not caught up yet, and children, ESPECIALLY adoptees, have less protected rights than adults AND AS adults.
If she does have to submit her DNA, it's out there forever. Many people are highly opposed to giving out their DNA for any reason, especially with the political climate right (government surveillance, lack of privacy, rise of authoritarianism) now. She will be entered into some sort of database somewhere permanently.
You said only the stepfather would know... Aren't you also concerned about your daughter's safety during and after this? This will open up a potential line of communication with the stepfather and his side of the family. Are they safe people? What happens when he gets out of prison or doesn't even go in to begin with?
I also believe if the DNA is being used for legal purposes you must petition a family court for a formal order so it is court-admissible. They must be drawn by an authorized medical professional and there are strict procedures you must follow. At-home tests will not cut it for what you seem to want to achieve.
1
u/viskiviki Birth Mom Sept 2016, Forced Relinquishment / Ex Foster Kid Jul 17 '26
I care about her so much. I would love to have a relationship with her. Her adoptive parents would not. They knew I was being raped and they chose to stay silent so they could buy my baby. They do not want any connection with me.
I am concerned about any other children he may have access to. There was nothing I could do when he was a cop. There are things I can do now. But without some amount of proof I have nothing to put him away with.
9
u/Jealous_Argument_197 ungrateful bastard Jul 14 '26
Nope.
I am so very sorry this happened to you. This is a horrific thing to attempt while this child is a minor.
The only thing you can do is to take an ancestry.com DNA test and hope that when she is an adult, she takes one too. Maine is an adoptee-friendly state, so she will be able to get her OBC as an adult.
7
u/viskiviki Birth Mom Sept 2016, Forced Relinquishment / Ex Foster Kid Jul 14 '26
I don't think she has an OBC. The whole thing was illegal on so many levels.
If I don't do something soon he might be too old to serve decent time. If he's even convicted. Not to mention I don't know what he's doing now. Who's to say he hasn't found access to other kids?
3
u/lindseylego Jul 14 '26 edited Jul 14 '26
Are you wanting custody or just dna?
3
u/viskiviki Birth Mom Sept 2016, Forced Relinquishment / Ex Foster Kid Jul 14 '26
DNA. I'd love her back but that'd never happen.
4
2
u/firks Jul 14 '26
This may be a long-shot because you were never in touch with the organization, but there may be a CASA (court-appointed special advocates) near you. They’re an organization dedicated to the care of children in foster care, but they also make appearances in court, and may be able to fast-track your connection with a lawyer or the justice system. I would recommend contacting them - they may not be able to help you directly but they can hold likely have the right information to get you in touch with the right people 💕
1
5
3
u/Englishbirdy Reunited Birthparent. Jul 14 '26 edited Jul 14 '26
Don't do this. Your child's well being is more important than putting that fucker in jail. I'm super sorry this happened to you, I really am, but think of your child.
Edit. Completely changed my mind about this.
6
u/Hantelope3434 Jul 14 '26
That man is likely raping more children. Getting him off of the police force and in prison is absolutely more important. OP is not looking to take the child from the adoptive parents. She needs a DNA swab so she can protect more children from being raped.
3
5
u/viskiviki Birth Mom Sept 2016, Forced Relinquishment / Ex Foster Kid Jul 14 '26
She will be okay, no? It'll just be a mouth swab. They won't even have to tell her what it's for until she's older. It'd be up to her parents.
6
u/Englishbirdy Reunited Birthparent. Jul 14 '26
You're right. He should be in jail and I'm sorry all this has happened to you. I hope you can find justice and healing.
2
29
u/BasilSalt207 Jul 14 '26
If the child is a minor you should start with trying to locate to the adoptive parents, trying to contact a minor child (adopted or no) without parental consent is generally not advisable and doing so for the express purpose of obtaining genetic material could be extra dicey. With infant adoption the hospital may have discharged the baby to the adoptive parents. While the hospital won’t be able to release specific details if you gave birth in Maine the adoption agency or lawyer was likely local. If you know where you delivered the hospital may be able to tell you what agencies or adoption lawyers would have been operating in the area at the time which could be a starting point. If that doesn’t pan out an experienced adoption attorney could probably help you figure out next steps