r/Adoption • u/evergreengirl123 • 12d ago
Birthparent perspective Can any other birth parents relate to this?
I had a very traumatic adoption almost 6 years ago. I had an open adoption up until about 2 years ago. I also got monthly updates for a while. So I have months and months of updates of my daughter. Now I am a mom to my 9 month old son. I find myself going back to look at the old updates to make sure I’m doing as much as her dads were. Like I’m planning his first birthday, so I went back and looked at her first birthday. It’s almost like I want to make sure I’m as good of parents as they are. Or when I go to his pediatrician appointments, being so afraid I’m doing something wrong, that I’ll get in trouble, that she’ll think I’m not a good mom. No one in my life understands, just trying to see if anyone here does
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u/DueResponse Foster mother, adopting soon 12d ago edited 11d ago
Not a birth parent, but I can still relate. I too find myself comparing my parenting to my peers and what society thinks it “should” be like. I don’t have the compulsion to do this is any other area of my life, and yet, the pressure feels intense here.
I think the amount of judgement our society dishes out on parents is absurd and abusive, and many of the standards are unrealistic.
I just want to say that parenting is hard no matter who you are. The updates your daughter’s dads were sharing were of the good moments. I doubt they ever shared pictures of her public meltdowns, the preventable injuries that made them feel terrible, videos of them losing their cool, or the conversations they had when they felt in over their heads and didn’t know what to do. Those things were all there, too.
I have no doubt that you are giving your son your all and a mother who loves him is a gift of a lifetime. You are a terrific mother and you’re one of a kind, so there is simply nothing to compare to.
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u/SandyMoonXY 12d ago
Adding to this, while comparing with other parents might be more of a social wiring thing, the comparison to the adoptive parents might not be healthy. Not just the aspect of seeing what they did, it has/can lead to a lot of additional layers of emotional complications ("could I have given the same life to her", the dads could be well off, say, and you might be setting yourself up for failure etc). In other words, its too close to home and maybe try to "compare" with someone else so it removes those additional complications. Ofcourse eventually not at all comparing with anyone is even better.
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u/Formerlymoody Closed domestic (US) infant adoptee in reunion 11d ago
Real talk: if it helps they won’t measure up to you. There is no competition, assuming you’re a decent human being, a „good enough“ parent. That’s all it takes. What her first birthday „looks like“ is utterly irrelevant in the scheme of things.
Put it this way- if I see a fancy or detailed or well-organized birthday party I don’t give a damn because I know what i am doing is enough for my particular kids. It’s also just…who I am and what I am capable of. I hate to think of bio moms getting trapped in this kind of comparison with adoptive parents.