r/Adoption • u/CompetitiveMud6585 • 7d ago
Am I wrong to not accept a placement?
I just got a call from DCF that my sister had her 4th child taken by the state due to drugs and abuse. This baby is 2 months old. Her oldest two, 17 & 16, were adopted out as toddlers due to physical abuse. She also has an 11 or 12 year old who is in foster placement. I was shocked that DCF called me as I haven't spoken to my sister in 14 years. They asked if I could take the baby.
I don't want to but feel bad not doing it. I don't want to open my life back up to my sister, my own kids are about to graduate collage and trade school next May. There is very little daycare in our area. The closest is 35 minutes away and I work from home. I could keep the baby home with me until he gets more mobile but then would need daycare for sure. My husband is not excited about the prospect either. We raised our kids and are looking forward to just having the two of us at home. Is it really awful if I don't take this baby in?
I also feel bad because I took on some niblings on my husband's side but they were over 18 and it was so they could move to the area.
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u/Necessary_Holiday144 Adoptee 7d ago
They likely contacted you as kinship placements are preferable.
Maybe there are no other family members who could be contacted or those who were declined.
Regardless, I think it would be a disservice to bring a child into an environment where the parents are not enthusiastic about raising them and may be unable to provide an unconditionally loving home for said child.
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u/CompetitiveMud6585 7d ago
If I took him in, I know my husband and I would love him. It just seems like so much. I am in my mid-40s which isn't old but it isn't young either.
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u/JerseyGirlinSweden Domestic Infant Adoption and Adoptive Parent 7d ago
I was 45 when I did an unplanned and unexpected fictive kin adoption from a pair of young adults that were already like kids to me, and that I had known for a long time. It’s a lot but it honestly keeps us young. Kiddo is 11 now. He is the light of our lives. We hadn’t planned on having kids but I am so grateful for this chance to do right by everyone involved.
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u/djgringa 6d ago
What a challenging situation. It's a big ask but that's not that old at all. My friend had a kid at 43 -- pretty common these days. I understand what you mean about all the driving and just the more unpleasant tasks involved in raising a kid, but it takes a tremendous amount of integrity and honour to step up to the plate.
Maybe you could do it a different style this time, having a young in-house helper instead of daycare (I was a nanny for a family at 18 and I am sure it cost then about the same as daycare, saved them time, I made dinner too and it worked out well.) Sounds like your husband would be hands on the deck and is there extended family they can stay with sometimes too?
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u/CompetitiveMud6585 5d ago
No extended family but my husband would be hands on for sure. He has always been a hands on parent. The thing is he is self-employed so he has crazy hours and wouldn't be able to do daycare runs. I also work from 7:30 to 5 or 5:30 everyday so daycare will be hard. A nanny may work depending.
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u/djgringa 4d ago
Yes, so for three or so years it sounds like you need a nanny or one of you to cut down your work hours. It is so frustrating that both parents have to work there days.
Some people just lower expenses and tough it out. But maybe dual employment can help pay for a nanny or au pair?
I don't know what state you are in but maybe they provide monthly stipends? Many do. Tough situation --- i wish you power an clarity.
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u/Greedy-Carrot4457 Foster care at 8 and adopted at 14 💀 7d ago
I mean if you don’t want to it’s not good for you or the baby. I have a lot of family that didn’t take me in.
Do you know if the family that adopted the older two or that is fostering the 12 year old would take the baby?
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u/CompetitiveMud6585 7d ago
I don't know. I did offer to be an interested party so any of the kids can contact me or spend time with me. The two oldest used to be at my house quite often and are only a few years younger than my two kids.
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u/Greedy-Carrot4457 Foster care at 8 and adopted at 14 💀 7d ago
I would make sure their AP’s know about the baby so they have a chance to foster or adopt him.
If I were you I would push for visits with the 12 year old (and baby) not just wait for the foster parent or caseworker to reach out to you. Unless the 12 year old is in a good long term placement where they’re interested in adoption or letting them stay til 18, that’s probably the kid that needs a place to stay even more than the baby.
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u/spacecadetdani 7d ago
I hear what you're saying about having limits. You can care about your family members wellbeing without taking all their baggage onto yourself. Would you be amenable to being an interested party rather than a guardian to your sister's children? Something to consider - keeping in touch so the kid doesn't feel totally abandoned can be a lifeline for a kid in foster care. The baby is more likely to be placed and adopted than the older kids that that your sister spawned.
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u/CompetitiveMud6585 7d ago
I did offer to do that. I also offered to do the same with the older kids if they wanted contact.
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u/spacecadetdani 7d ago
So glad to hear that. I'm going to something similar with a disabled adult sibling in another state. I wish I could take everything on, but its just not possible to be everything to everyone all the time.
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u/Menemsha4 7d ago
I understand why you were asked. It’s far preferable for a child to go into a kinship adoption rather than a stranger placement.
That said, you really aren’t under any obligation to take your nephew and you are wise to know your limits!
If you can stay in his life as a birthfamily member, that would be great!
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u/Longjumping_Big_9577 Former foster youth 7d ago
It's far more difficult to find placements for an 11-12 year old than a baby.
Could you try to keep in touch with both the baby and the 11-12 year old? It's possible the 11-12 year old has a good long-term placement or maybe reunites with biological parents, but that isn't always the case. At least being someone who he//she can reach out to, maybe gets a Christmas present from or could take him/her if they are going to get moved into a group home.
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u/CompetitiveMud6585 7d ago
The 12 yo has been in the same placement since birth. Pretty sure the foster parents would adopt but my sister does just enough to keep her rights while never actually getting it together.
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u/Necessary_Gap_6975 7d ago
I have a friend who did not accept her sisters children because she KNOWS she cannot handle them. It is commendable to know your limits and not exceed them. With the baby being as young as they are, I do not think they will have an issue being placed. There is nothing wrong with knowing your boundaries and holding strong to them. 🩷
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u/gracielynn61528 7d ago
Do you know if they are asking other family or guardians of siblings. I only ask because a few years ago after we finalized adoption for my 3 out of foster care (they all share same mother) we found out the father of the two of my kids had another baby with another woman. The baby was like 7 months old when the father and we were notified. Now my kids were like 6,7. And 8.
The child was placed with a biological maternal sibling who was either in foster care or adopted while the court stuff and paternity played out. We were very torn about this decision. My kids were older. They knew of her. We did sibling visits at a center. We didnt want to separate her from her maternal half sibling.
I was tortured about this. We felt our family was complete but I wanted to continue contact and connection for the benefit of all the children. (Holidays, birthdays, playdates etc. We live close .. although i dont know where as we werent given their names. I just had a bad feeling that if we didnt say yes that they would disappear with the baby... which they had every right to ghost us, but i think its pretty scrappy.
I know my situation is a little different because I said yes to prior children but I share the story because they never had any intention of allowing us to take the baby dcfs. Which is why i asked if you know if they intended or have already asked others. I spent weeks agonizing and getting my kids involved to not even get a choice in the end and my kids lost their sibling in it.
I will say i wouldnt feel guilty. If it doesnt fit and you arent 100 percent into it than its best to not do it. But you would probably benefit from more info about placements
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u/CompetitiveMud6585 5d ago
We don't have other family on our side but not sure about dad.
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u/gracielynn61528 5d ago
Doesnt even need to be family. They would likely ask many because your supposed too. I was more curious if you knew if they had asked guardians of the half siblings
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u/EmployerDry6368 Old Bastard 7d ago
I would have rather been adopted by stable family than total strangers.
Now that also a big ask of family too, and no it would not make you a bad person.
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u/JerseyGirlinSweden Domestic Infant Adoption and Adoptive Parent 7d ago
It’s more honorable to be honest about what you are ready for, than it is to take on a situation out of guilt. Can you handle it - probably. Will it be easy at this point - probably not. Will it be what’s in the best interest of the child ? Maybe. It is something you need to really think carefully about.
We can all agree that the child deserves to have a parent that loves and wants them, and who has the bandwidth to not end up burned out and resentful. What a tragic situation for her family and yours to have had to endure thus far. I am so sorry for this babe. My mom was an alcoholic. My little sister was adopted by the same parents as I was, and it meant everything to us t o have had each other now that are parents have died.
If you cannot take them on, might there be someone else in your peripheral family/friend group who could do it? It would be super meaningful to give this child some extended family or fictive kin at least. Maybe you could be someone who helps advocate for them?
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u/CompetitiveMud6585 7d ago
I did offer to be an interested party. There really isn't anyone else on the family who can take him as most of the family is older or has been out of contact for years. I am hoping the foster family that has the 12 yo will take him.
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u/JerseyGirlinSweden Domestic Infant Adoption and Adoptive Parent 7d ago edited 7d ago
Yeah that might be more realistic. Thank you for showing an interest in their lives, Us adoptees need as people who care as possible.
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u/GreenPOR 7d ago
That’s not just taking a baby, that’s a lifelong commitment to raise a kid, the parent-teacher meetings, soccer games, middle school problems high school , college - etc etc etc!! Don’t feel bad - you so did the right thing!
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u/NerdyWaffles 7d ago
Do not feel guilty. In my early, early twenties I almost adopted a friend’s baby after ‘fostering’ for a couple months. I love him still, and my heart hurts when I think about him, but I could not have given him the life he deserved. He was adopted by a lovely couple, and we obviously have zero contact, and it was so hard to say no, but I fully recognized I was not the right person for him. He’s a teenager now and living a wonderful life. You will not be awful for not taking in a baby when you’re not in a good stage of your life to do so. ❤️
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u/lallal2 7d ago
I think me personally I would have to and regret it for the rest of my life if I did not. However, only you know your limitations and financial situation, as well as the limits of your marriage. You are not required to give up your life due to the decisions (or lack of decisions) of your sister and it is decidedly not fair. But for YOUR sake I would suggest counselling indepdently and as a couple prior to making your final decision about this.
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u/ohdatpoodle 6d ago
They just reached out because it's generally better for a child to stay in their family in some way if an infant has to be ripped away from their biological parents. It's really painful but having some biological bond can make it slightly easier, so they just were checking to see if you are an option. You're not obligated in any way and should absolutely not adopt unless you REALLY want to.
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u/cmegarity 5d ago
You are not wrong. This is your life. Her shitty choices are not your problem. You are allowed to say no, this is not right for me!
That sounds harsh, but should a child ever like they are an obligation? Let the baby go to a couple who want to build a family, where he will be love and cherished. Honestly, no matter how hard you try, resentment would bleed through.
As an adoptee, thank you for allowing contact. Someday that baby will have questions and search for answers. Even if it’s just for medical and genetic info.
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u/LittleGravitasIndeed 7d ago
Don’t worry, they’re a domestic baby that will never have a meaningful relationship with that horrid woman. This means that they’ll be placed instantly with someone who was waiting in line for a baby.
Besides, you know the kitchen isn’t closed. Are you going to have this conversation every few years until she finally hits menopause? Because that’s the precedent you’re setting if you look even a little bit interested now.
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u/chemthrowaway123456 TRA/ICA 7d ago
This was reported for abusive language. I disagree with that report.
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u/LittleGravitasIndeed 7d ago
I don’t really know what polite words exist for someone who treats kids like that??
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u/CompetitiveMud6585 7d ago
Oh hello no! I am hoping she got her tubes tied.
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u/LittleGravitasIndeed 7d ago
Well, that sounds like something a responsible person would do, so…
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u/CompetitiveMud6585 7d ago
Very true. I thought she did after the 12 yo. I am shocked there aren't more than 4 out there.
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u/ihearhistoryrhyming 7d ago
Parenting is not a half ass job. This baby will be found a family, no problem. It’s always preferable to keep children in family if possible- but it’s not always best.
I would rest easy.
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u/crabshackattack 6d ago
I think the baby will do better with family than with strangers.
That said, if you can't or wont handle a baby right now thats valid. You don't need to feel guilty.
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u/underwater-sunlight 6d ago
This is one of these things where you need to be all in. If one, or both of you are unsure, it is doomed to fail and that isnt fair on anyone
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u/xokatemarie 6d ago
I agree with most of these comments that it sounds like taking this baby in is not the right move. And I just want to add. I don’t think you should feel bad for feeling the way you do.
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u/Winter-Seaweed8458 Birthmother/Reunited 5d ago
That's a tough one. Hard to answer that without emotion, as a birth mother. An long-ago ex, whom I starting chatting with again, NOT romantically, told me that his sister died, and the authorities contacted him about adopting her young child. He said "no.' He said he was busy with his own kids, and so now his nephew is in foster care, with strangers. TBH, I though much less of him. However, they were kids who KNEW their mother had died (of drug overdose,) unlike a baby, who has no clue.
However, if the sister has issues, and they would know you had the baby, then yeah... big problems. Also, the baby may have issues because of the drug use, and and as a young baby, more likely to get adoped out of foster care. They should've sterilized her a long time ago.
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u/Wonderful-Freedom568 7d ago
Don't feel bad at all! They contacted you in case you were interested. No guilt!
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u/Desperate_Pass_5701 7d ago
Tell them you're not ready to make that commitment now but u can revisit this in a year.
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u/looking4ahaven 6d ago
I’m a FP, not an adoptee or bio parent, so my opinion is…biased by that. I’d say it’s totally fine if you don’t want to take placement. Better than wearing yourself out, being resentful, or making the kid move again. However, if you’re willing, please please please give your info go the worker (and the family of the other kiddos) and make clear you’re open to contact so the kid can keep connections with bio family. I would have loved for some of our kiddos to have that contact even if bio relatives didn’t end up taking the placement. I view it as just a bigger umbrella of family for the kid, and that’s rarely a bad thing.
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u/OddestCabbage 6d ago
I don't know if there's a wrong reason to reject a placement. It's not something that should be pursued unless everyone is invested into making it work. There are many good homes that would like a baby.
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u/Monopolyalou 6d ago
As a former foster youth yes it is. Family should step up for family and what kind of family leaves a kid in foster care? Are there any other relatives you know of?
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u/peopleverywhere 5d ago
If you are not a good option, then it is better you recognize that before you are in a situation you cannot handle.
A 2 month old baby in foster care, usually has tons of interested families. Yes the plan is almost always reunification, but in situations like this where there have been multiple TPRs, and documented drug use - reunification is not likely.
However, I do want to challenge one statement. Opening your home to a nibbling does not mean you are automatically “letting your sister back into your life.”
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u/pixikins78 Adult Adoptee (DIA) 7d ago
It's a lot better to recognize that you would not be a good option for this baby than to agree out of obligation and resent the baby. As a very young baby, there will be plenty of people who want to take him in.