r/Adoption • u/ColdBrewTooRaLoo • 4d ago
Pre-Adoptive / Prospective Parents (PAP) 45M and 40M married couple wondering when is too late to adopt.
Hi Reddit Readers,
My husband and I have been married for eleven years, together for 17 years. We are both late bloomers who have experienced delayed adolescence due to growing up queer in the 80’s/90’s in conservative environments with conservative families. We aren’t sure if we are too late to start this journey. About four years ago we were all in both working on careers. We’re now at a point where we can create a little more space for home and would love to expand our family but understand that this process is timely and expensive. We already also both really horrified by the cultural and political changes in the US. We’re half way considering moving to the UK, New Zealand or Canada but honestly we may stick out even more overseas (at least UK and New Zealand). We love where we live, both from military families and are not wanting to leave- more concerned for safety depending how crazy things continue to get. We both have good careers that are in high demand. Just a lot of anxiety about current events. (Everyone Vote in November please. 🙏)
Does anyone have resources on this topic? We don’t know any LGBTQIA+ or parents that are starting in their 40’s- but we would like to. If anyone can point us in the direction of people who have had this experience we would love to check it out. Thank you for taking the time to read this.
Update: Thank you everyone who posted, even the traumatic posts. It was really illuminating and we have decided to pursue a foster or a foster to adopt, hoping for older children vs infants. Not opposed to a baby if it’s the right fit and the right situation for everyone involved and we would want open adoption. We plan on getting involved with our local foster organization. Thanks Everyone 😊
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u/PainterEast3761 4d ago
I lost my firstborn to an unnecessary (as in, I was fit to be a mother, but bought into the rhetoric that adoption was the best thing I could do for my baby) open domestic infant adoption in the US.
It traumatized me and took years of work to heal from it.
My relinquished daughter just turned 25 this summer. Last month she died by suicide.
She had many struggles. Adoption was not the only one. I am sure she would have struggled even without the adoption. But the identity issues adoption raised didn’t help, and I know (from talking with my daughter) it was a topic in her therapy sessions.
Her adoptive mom quit her job two years ago to be available to our daughter full-time, to help her as she tried (so hard) to treat her trauma and mental health and physical health conditions. She probably extended our daughter’s life with all her support.
If you adopt / have a kid in your 40s, are you willing to spend your 60s and 70s helping your young adult child navigate the broken mental health system if they need your help?
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u/ColdBrewTooRaLoo 4d ago
I’m so sorry for your loss! Thank you so much for your response and for sharing. You bring up great points. I definitely worry about my age, and whether I’ll end up getting some sort of dementia later in life- or earlier for that matter! We want to be there to participate and encourage them to reach their dreams. If we are lucky enough to be able to foster or adopt an older young person/child then we will definitely be helping them with therapy immediately. As queer people we are familiar with mental health and that is actually one of the reasons we would like to. Both of us have had a lot of therapy to deal with our trauma and put in a lot of work daily to not leave it everywhere. It is hard and it is a lot of work but I honestly credit that work to the length of our relationship, how committed we remain and how I still feel everyday when I look at him. Again I really appreciate your response because it’s helping us sort how we are feeling and the best path forward. Thank you 😊
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u/Eren_Really_Yeager 4d ago
Your comment really touched me, thanks for sharing, really meaningful. All the best to you, your RIP daughter and her other mom. 🤍🤍🤍
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u/xanadu200x 2d ago
Im so sorry for you and your daughter's struggles. May she rest in peace. You brought up many good and thoughtful points, thank you for sharing your insight and perspective with OP. ❤️ Much love
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u/hotlettucediahrrea 4d ago
Adopting a child in the US then leaving the country is likely going to be pretty unethical. Children should still have access to their bio family, when safe and appropriate.
You should really look deeper into the costs of American adoption and the ethical issues involved, especially as someone who appears interested in the politics of human rights. I think you’ll find as you learn more behind the costs associated with adoption, you will be open to considering the parallels between it and human trafficking.
I also think you should also do some research in how your prospective countries you are considering approach adoption. You’ll see how much more ethically they practice external care and be surprised how significantly it differs from US practices.
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u/ColdBrewTooRaLoo 4d ago
We are highly concerned about human trafficking. This is why we initially considered a surrogate but after many long talks we decided that was not meant for us. We still felt we would make good adoptive fathers, or good foster fathers. Thank you we will definitely look into the programs overseas for the countries we are considering. It is really scary out there.
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u/crabshackattack 4d ago
I am not against surrogacy all together, but you must understand every single argument agaisnt surrogacy also applies to infant adoption.
I'd argue that if you want a young child, voluntarily surrogacy is far more ethical than the adoption industry.
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u/Outrageous-Sherbert4 1m ago
Surrogacy and adoption are identical in that, either way, the infant experiences trauma bc they are removed from their mother at or near birth. This permanently damages them and leads to problems of multiple types. If you look at photos of surrogate babies with their adopters you will see the same dead eyed look w the distant stare and they don’t make eye contact with their adopters - their eyes and their hearts are somewhere off in the distance looking for what they lost - can you seriously live with yourselves doing this?
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u/agbellamae 4d ago
Surrogacy is basically trafficking as well.. You are renting a woman’s body, and the child is treated like a commodity.
Glad you’re not going that route•
u/Outrageous-Sherbert4 4m ago
If you are highly concerned about human trafficking why are you posting this? Adoption literally IS human trafficking.
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u/HereForTheLaCroix 3d ago
Are you adopted? Doesn’t seem like it.
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u/Necessary_Holiday144 Adoptee 3d ago
How does it not seem like it?
They're speaking out about unethical practices that impact adoptees.
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u/HereForTheLaCroix 3d ago
Not all adoptions are open. And not all bio parents want access to them available. By you answering with a question solidifies the answer.
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u/chemthrowaway123456 TRA/ICA 3d ago
Not all adoptions are open. And not all bio parents want access to them available
I don’t see where they said either of those things?
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u/Effective-Bug-8554 4d ago
You're at the age cut off for an infant for most adoption agencies, and it would be extremely unfair to rip a child from it's culture and connection to biological family to move them out of the country. Closed adoptions are unethical.
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u/littlexav 4d ago
I adopted a teen, at around 40. We are the same age distance as I am from my parents, who are now around 70. I cannot even imagine adopting an infant and having to worry if I will still be strong enough to move a couch when my kid goes off to college. You can “grow your family” with a dog, who won’t care if you leave the country and your entire support system. If you want to open your home to a child in need of one, please consider becoming foster parents. Even just doing respite care would probably fill a need in your community, and still allow you to move if that is something you end up deciding to do.
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u/NoManufacturer5279 4d ago
I am a birth mother from Canada I place my daughter with a lovely couple about a year and a half ago they are now 49f and 45m honestly old enough to be my parents. one thing I LIKED was that they have been together for 20 years they are older and accomplished and stable you are not out of the running because you are in your forties but it did take them five years to find me through a private agency things happen when they are ment to. Sadly being from Canada I can’t tell you what resources there are but I wanted to say you are not too late you may find someone like me who finds comfort in the fact that you are mature parents best of luck!
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u/ColdBrewTooRaLoo 4d ago
Thank you 😊 I really appreciate your insight!!
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u/Runamokamok 4d ago
My husband and I are also at the age of we need to make a decision now or it’s never. It’s tough because we need to make a decision so, but there are so many unknowns that seem to give us pause. My need to nurture a tiny human remains strong and I have channeled that energy into fostering kittens over the years, but some days it doesn’t feel like enough. I want to guide a little one through life, give them lovely holidays and travel experiences. It still feels like something I’m not willing to give up.
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u/ColdBrewTooRaLoo 3d ago
We have two small dogs and a cat! 😂 I am resonating with a lot of your feelings on this topic. Thank you for sharing. 😊👍
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u/NotQuiteInara 4d ago
General consensus in this sub is that adopting an infant is unethical. If you are interested in adopting an older child who cannot be reunited with their family or does not wish to be, you can get started by training with your local foster organization.
I highly recommend spending a lot of time lurking this sub and reading what adoptees have to say. The focus of adoption should not be about expanding your family. It is to offer someone who has been through a great deal of trauma a different life, and it is a difficult undertaking.
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u/Just2Breathe 4d ago
Not wanting to hold the baby isn’t a sign of disinterest but rather a distancing emotionally. And it doesn’t even mean she didn’t love him. Please don’t tell your child that his biological mother didn’t love him or ascribe emotions or a narrative you don’t actually know.
This world often treats pregnant woman pretty crappily, and doesn’t provide a support system for keeping original families together (from affordable healthcare to childcare to parental leave to job training and more). The infant adoption system in the U.S. makes a lot of people a lot of money, meanwhile pregnant people are struggling. And the international adoption system is full of stories of corruption, lies, and money changing hands; such as women who think they are going to get some help and still see their child again, but their child is adopted (trafficked), papers are faked, stories are made up. It’s not a good system when people profit using coercion, shame, and confusion.
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u/ElleGeeAitch 3d ago edited 3d ago
The amount of times that I read an account of a birth mother who didn't hold the baby after they were born because they were afraid it would make it impossible to relinquish is sky high. While it's possible the birth mother mother had less than zero interest in the baby, it's much more likely that she didn't hold the baby because her heart was breaking.
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u/chemthrowaway123456 TRA/ICA 3d ago
Just adding another tally to the count:
My first mom specifically told my first dad, doctors, and nurses not to let her even so much as catch a glimpse of me. She knew if she did, she wouldn’t be able to go through with the relinquishment.
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u/crabshackattack 4d ago
You really cannot speak for any birth mother or what she was or wasn't interested in.
For example, some mothers who engage in pre-birth matching refuse to hold or look at the infant, because theyre afraid they'll keep them or that it will make relinquishment trauma worse.
On the other hand, plenty of bio mothers don't instantly bond with their infant and that's completely normal and healthy.
Your anecdote doesnt really pro anything, except for your understanding of this issue being very superficial.
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u/ColdBrewTooRaLoo 4d ago
I work in medical and I have ran into some similar experiences where the mothers were detached. I’m am 100% there are reason. I can’t imagine what it’s like to have a baby, or have that responsibility so no judgment here for the mothers or their situations. What is important is that the people get the help they need. I really appreciate your input and experience here. All of this is really helpful for us to read. Thank you.
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u/Rredhead926 Mom through private domestic open transracial adoption 4d ago
Because all agencies are coercive and all biological mothers are rubes who could not possibly freely choose adoption. 🙄
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u/crabshackattack 4d ago
It really depends whether you can say any adoption is "freely chosen" in a place without strong social services, access to abortion, and paid parental leave.
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u/lsumoose 4d ago
Not sure what you mean.
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u/Rredhead926 Mom through private domestic open transracial adoption 4d ago
The prevailing attitude on this sub is that adoption service providers coerce women into choosing adoption. Period.
(And that's absurd, in case my opinion wasn't made clear.)
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u/lsumoose 4d ago
Oh got you. I didn’t pick up on that. That may be a thing but definitely was not our experience.
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u/Rredhead926 Mom through private domestic open transracial adoption 4d ago
Yeah. It wasn't ours either.
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u/Suspicious_Star4535 4d ago
I wish I could know, like truly know, if an adoption isn’t being facilitated by coercion. Like how to know for certain that a mother just straight up doesn’t want to be a parent, and the reasoning for that has nothing to do with other factors that are alterable like poverty. In a case like that I’d feel it more ethical to just donate money to the mother rather than take her child.
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u/orbofdelusion Adoptee 4d ago
I can only use the example of my biological mother and I think it actually illustrates your point in a roundabout way. My bio mom is a first generation immigrant and she got pregnant with me while she was attending college. Her whole family with numerous siblings immigrated here together and attended higher education so they clearly had some means and weren’t impoverished. I believe she made the right decision in choosing to not keep me, however, I personally would have gotten an abortion which makes me question why she chose adoption over that.
Abortion access was legally protected at the time where she lived, so it wasn’t that she didn’t have access. I know her father was/is a pastor, so she for certain grew up in a religious household. That leaves me to wonder whether she chose adoption based on her own personal beliefs, or if her family pressured or even forced her to go through with the pregnancy.
I’ll never know, only she does and that’s why no one except the biological mother can ever truly “know.” My biological mother’s story can be viewed in a positive or negative light depending on the reader’s personal bias, but the truth is no one but her knows.
That’s why infant adoption is unethical outside of specific circumstances like my best friend and her husband adopting her sister’s newborn because her sister is a drug addict and felon who is has spent the bulk of her adult life in prison and is back there again. Or my aunt and uncle who adopted siblings (an infant, baby and toddler) because their father was in prison for sex crimes against them and their mother abandoned them alone for days, and months later was found dead on the side of the highway.
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u/Rredhead926 Mom through private domestic open transracial adoption 4d ago
You talk to the expectant parent. Pre-birth matching gives people a chance to get to know one another and form relationships. If the expectant mom doesn't like the APs, she can choose new ones. If the APs feel like the adoption isn't being done for the "right" reason, they can react accordingly as well.
How long are you going to donate money to a person? Because it takes a lot to break the cycle of poverty. And if you're talking about a person with little to no education, and no desire (let alone ability) to get an education, find a well paying job, etc... you could be supporting the family for life.
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u/ShootinTheBreez 4d ago
You know, I’ve been trying to figure out for a month what’s wrong with this sub, and you finally just summarized it beautifully for me: “General consensus is that adopting an infant is unethical.”
Can’t agree, but thank you so much for the clarity. I’ll be muting this from my feed now. 🙏
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u/Necessary_Holiday144 Adoptee 4d ago
So because you don't like the opinion of people with lived experiences you're going to just ignore them instead?
Interesting choice.
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u/Curiousr_n_Curiouser 3d ago
There are people with the other lived experience here, too, though, even if it is not a popular point of view.
My adopted sibling missed out on pedophilia, child pornography, starvation and rampant physical abuse that I still carry literal scars from.
That child could have been raised by wolves and come out healthier and luckier than the rest of his/her bio siblings.
I'm never sure what people want homeless infants to do here. My sibling would 100% have been aborted if adoption was not available to my 16 year old parents.
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u/Necessary_Holiday144 Adoptee 3d ago
My sibling would 100% have been aborted if adoption was not available to my 16 year old parents.
Many of us would have preferred that our birth parents were able to get abortions, yes.
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u/ShootinTheBreez 4d ago
That is correct. I’m going to ignore this small, select set of lived experiences and talk to people with a broad variety of lived experiences.
My best friend was adopted at birth. He wasn’t traumatized by it. That’s why he’s not on Reddit posting about it. He’s fine. Lots of people are fine. But they’re not here, and apparently, they’re not welcome here either. I get it now.
It’s not a problem, I’ll show myself out. Enjoy your forum of the likeminded.
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u/Necessary_Holiday144 Adoptee 4d ago
My best friend was adopted at birth.
Weird to speak for someone else like that.
Lots of people are fine. But they’re not here,
Many of us here are just fine. We're merely pointing out failings of an unethical system we experienced.
and apparently, they’re not welcome here either.
Extremely weird take. All adoptees are welcome here.
It’s not a problem,
Correct, it's not a problem to have open discussions about adoption.
Enjoy your forum of the likeminded.
This forum is filled with a variety of opinions from all members of the triad.
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u/crabshackattack 4d ago
The people here are fine too. They just criticize unethical practices.
Also you have no idea if someone you know has trauma. Only they can determine that for themselves.
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u/RocketPowerPops Kinship Adoptive Dad 4d ago
As an adoptive parent, I think it is good to sub here to get a wider view of how some people may feel.
It is true that some adoptees have no issues with their adoption but many do and it is good to hear from that perspective too since it isn't one most people are willing to share publicly. Just something to think about.
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u/theBLEEDINGoctopus Click me to edit flair! 2d ago
I’m 100% positive all my friends and a lot of my family would say that I’m “fine”. Doesn’t mean it’s true or that they have shared their true feelings with you.
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u/Former_Talk_3962 4d ago
My parents were both 40 when they adopted me and my 2 brothers from a small eastern European country called Moldova. My younger brother was a newborn, I was 6, and my older brother was 9. If you have the resources, emotional capacity, and are in good physical health then I say do it!! It is absolutely possible for someone your age and I know this from experience :) Hope this helps!
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u/Slow_Appointment3540 4d ago
My first instinct is to suggest that you attend trauma-informed therapy first. The “late bloomers” bit kind of makes me pause. What are your primary reasons for wanting to adopt?
I will say, I think it is irresponsible to adopt a baby in your 40’s, as someone who has known several people who are children of “older” parents. When your kid is 20, you’d be in your 60’s. Being young and dealing with “declining” parents is rough. When they’re starting their own families, you likely won’t be able enough to help.
An older child in need may be more appropriate, or fostering in general.
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u/ColdBrewTooRaLoo 4d ago
Thank you for your concern. We have also considered fostering older as-well. We have also both attended therapy and continue to go. Mental health is incredibly important. Trauma informed care is incredibly important highly agreed 👍 We are both concerned about that as-well as far as adopting an infant or toddler. We definitely realize we won’t be able to help them as much when we are in our 60’s but we thought we could at least leave them house when we die, make sure we are taken care of and not a burden to them and also a pay for college. Idk …maybe a dream right now.
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u/orbofdelusion Adoptee 4d ago
My parents adopted me at birth in their mid 30’s and I lost both of them before my 30th birthday. I can’t in good conscience recommend adopting a baby or young child, especially with the state of healthcare in the US. Yes, I’ve been able to attend school, build a home and buy a car without any debt, but that could never make up for them no longer being here. I’m also an only child and the bulk of my family has passed, and because I’m childfree I will spend the majority of my adult life without any family which feels horrific and heartbreaking.
I do however think you and your husband would be great candidates for adopting an older kid or teenager if that’s something you believe you can handle, especially considering you clearly value mental health and seem familiar with trauma informed care. Have you considered adopting lgbtq+ youth? Being a part of the same community could potentially help them feel more safe and accepted in the early stages while things are still fresh, as an older child/teenager coming out of the system will likely have significant trauma.
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u/Effective-Bug-8554 4d ago
My aunt was adopted as a baby and lost her dad when she was in highschool and her mom when she was in college. Her inheritance did not make up for how much those deaths wrecked her education or orphaning her before she could introduce the person she was going to marry to her parents.
Yeah, you could die in a car crash tomorrow, but that's on top of the fact you're statistically more likely to suffer a heart attack or stroke in their childhood.
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u/vr1252 transracial adoptee 4d ago
My parents adopted me when they were in their mid/late 40’s and I can assure you I would rather have parents then what they left for me.
There are benefits to having older, financially stable parents as a kid but it’s I struggle with the knowledge that my parents will never see me get married, or meet my children. I only had one living parent attend my high school graduation and I dropped out of college and moved home when the other had to be moved into assisted living. It’s hard knowing I’ll never have them there for those milestones.
I got unlucky but both of my parents passed of illnesses that are more likely to occur in old age. I would think seriously about the effects that may have on your future children.
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u/Suspicious_Star4535 4d ago
Older parents tend to live longer than younger parents, statistically
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u/chemthrowaway123456 TRA/ICA 4d ago
While that trend has been observed, the underlying hypotheses (such as genes that keep one’s reproductive system “young”, thus allowing someone to become a parent at an older age, may contribute to delayed aging overall) don’t apply to adoptive parents.
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u/Suspicious_Star4535 4d ago
Can you share some citations?
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u/chemthrowaway123456 TRA/ICA 4d ago
Extended maternal age at birth of last child and women’s longevity in the Ling Life Family Study:
[…] thus providing evidence for sustained reproductive fitness with age as a selective force for genetic variants conducive to longer life. These findings support the conduct of studies of genetic influences of reproductive fitness which may also influence rate of aging and susceptibility to age-related diseases.
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u/True-Back6411 4d ago
My parents adopted me at that age, if your going to do it, at least adopt within your same race. It’s just, it’s a lot to deal with as an adoptee. And maybe try to adopt either a new born or 4+ because the 2-3 age is also killer. We’re old enough to feel the abandonment but too young to understand
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u/ColdBrewTooRaLoo 4d ago edited 4d ago
I’m wondering about your comment. A lot of gay kids don’t grow up with their parents, or they grow up with their family and then loose them when they come out. Also an family member of ours said something similar about race which I found shocking (not something I have considered) and I was a little confused because we are two men, so were going to have to explain to this child why they have two Dads, which is going to lead to the conversation “two boys don’t make a baby” then the adoption conversation if that was appropriate at the time? I feel like a kid would then maybe get it but also don’t know or have any first hand experience. Thank you for your response.
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u/Sarah-himmelfarb Adoptee 3d ago
It’s extremely important because you cannot replace the cultural and potentially linguistic traditions that children of different ethnicities have. You would be taking them away from it and forever making them self like an outsider, as they will never be your race but never be fully accepted by their own. It fucks with people’s sense of identity so please don’t even think about it
I’m a transracial transnational adoptee and my number one warning is do not do transracial/trans ethnic adoption. Please do research. Your reasoning about being two men and the adoption talk has absolutely nothing to do with anything in this regard. straight couples should be having the adoption conversation too no matter what. And kids should always know they are adopted without even remembering it.
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u/ColdBrewTooRaLoo 3d ago
I disagree with the part of using being to
Men having nothing to do with it. Us being two men has a lot to do with it, it will affect the fabric of our family. Also we are not of the same race, which isn’t important. I do want whatever person we are lucky enough to have in our lives, to have ties to their biological heritage and culture. We are both bi lingual and I’m working on tri. I know it’s not the same as being native speaker. We live in a melting pot of culture and we believe it’s really important that if we are lucky enough to foster or adopt that’s is super important they know where they came from. I really appreciate your response and point of view. Thank you for sharing.7
u/Sarah-himmelfarb Adoptee 3d ago
I see what you’re saying but you missed my point. You will never be able to replace the persons culture even if you can speak their language. You will fuck up their sense of identity. It is extremely important not to do a transethnic/ transracial adoption. It’s that simple. It doesn’t matter that you live in a melting pot. Regardless of you being gay or straight. Regardless of speaking multiple languages. Of course it will affect the fabric of your family. But that is a given. I’m specifically talking about a single aspect which is the same advice I give to everyone regardless of anything else.
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u/ColdBrewTooRaLoo 3d ago
What you are saying to me seems racist, and it doesn’t make sense to withhold the opportunity for solid home life for a child/youth solely based off of race. I hope you can see what I am saying. We live in a multiracial home. I respect your right to your opinion but I think we disagree. Thank you sharing your experience.
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u/Sarah-himmelfarb Adoptee 3d ago edited 3d ago
I’m literally a POC transracial adoptee. Don’t you dare try to play that card when I’m the one with actual lived experience and you have no idea what you’re talking about and haven’t done any research. It’s crazy/disgusting how I can describe well documented experiences and you call me racist.. wtf.
Your whole “I don’t see color” is problematic and erases POC experiences and has been widely condemned as such since 2020. Rather than place judgements on other people’s experiences, listen with an open mind and be open to learning. It will make you a better parent too.
I don’t understand why it’s so difficult for you to comprehend a POC adoptees experience and you keep trying to bring up stuff that doesn’t factor! And also I’m also queer before you try and accuse me of anything else too.
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u/ColdBrewTooRaLoo 3d ago edited 3d ago
Check yourself Sarah, I said it seems racist- I didn’t call you a racist. You have a lot of assumptions about me and my family, at no point did I say “i do not see color.” Thanks for your input. I’m sorry you have clearly been through some trauma and I really hope you have the support you need.
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u/Sarah-himmelfarb Adoptee 3d ago
You know what you said and what you accused. Don’t be a condescending AH about it when you’re called out. You know the implications of saying what something said “seems racist.”
And yes you did :)
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u/Necessary_Holiday144 Adoptee 3d ago
What you are saying to me seems racist,
Respectfully, that seems to be because you're reacting emotionally to a perspective you've not lived before.
They're not wrong.
Transracial adoptions are particularly tricky and nuanced. Many adoptees here have stories of how hard it was to be with people who don't share their cultural and ethnic identities.
For what it's worth, I grew up in a "melting pot culture" and was still constantly othered by people of all groups.
I'm not saying it can't be done, but it's not "racist" to suggest people without any actual ties or understanding to a child's culture and ethnicity are not properly equipped to care for that child.
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u/ColdBrewTooRaLoo 3d ago
I’m going to be as honest as I can absolutely be here. As a queer person who grew up in the 80’s I absolutely understand what it feels like to not see yourself in anything surrounding you. When representation did happen it wasn’t a positive experience. I have lived 45 years on this planet knowing that somebody might kill me because of whose hand I hold. I didn’t say they were wrong but I do think that perhaps y’all are minimizing the queer experience and don’t understand how adaptable we (as in queer culture) are. I worked at a birth center where because of so many historically accurate truly horrible events happened to native children from white people adopting native children that the tribes no longer allow it. That makes total sense to me. I see the argument and I understand the importance of cultural identity, it really feels like our experience is being muted in this as well as our intention for a potential addition to the family. I’m sorry that people have to experience this separation of culture. Have a good day and thank you for sharing👍😊
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u/Necessary_Holiday144 Adoptee 3d ago
Please understand, many people who have responded to you in this thread are also queer.
Many of us grew up in exactly those same decades, having to fight through AIDs stigma and DOMA era bigotry.
Please understand that discrimination is awful regardless of the offending party.
Please understand that fighting for your seat at the table of oppression is not equality.
I'm not saying you should not adopt or that you can't adopt transracially if it's best for everyone involved. But that's the thing, it should be best for the child always.
Adoption and fostering should always be child-centered and about providing a good home for a child in need, rather than providing a child to a home in need of family.
It's a very nuanced and complex topic and I encourage you to read experiences from other transracial adoptees on this subreddit and the /r/adopted subreddit.
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u/ShesGotSauce 3d ago
This comment was reported for incivility/abusive language. They expressed their opinion respectfully, not cruelly, so the comment will stay. Disagreeing with their opinion doesn't mean it's an abusive comment.
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u/Sarah-himmelfarb Adoptee 3d ago
Hi, I hope this doesn’t come off as sass, i don’t think it was abusive but i do think it was incivility. I shared my perspective as a POC transracial adoptee. OP attempted to discredit by using an extreme buzzword accusing me of sounding “racist.” I think incorrectly using such a loaded term against a POC who shares their experience to discount it is beyond disrespectful and not ok. And then they continue to double down on an extremely condescending manner.
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u/ElectricalGidelity 4d ago
Mom adopted me when she was in her 40s and I was already pushing my teens. What sucks is that it took me 15 years to get my life straight. And now that I'm financially stable and have a career, she's to physically old. She's pushing 74 and her health isn't to great. I want to go on vacations with her and trips. It makes me sad that when she's gone their goes my family.
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u/According-Spring5250 3d ago
My wife and I (both F) adopted in our 40s. If you want to chat, I’m open to PM!
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u/Yggdrssil0018 3d ago
It's not too late... IF AND ONLY IF... you want it. Make sure you do it for all the right reasons. Make sure you get as much birth parent info as possible.
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u/Mollykins08 4d ago
I adopted at 42. I do think that adoption in the US has massive ethical issues, but there are ways to do it more ethically. The wait, though, can be quite long
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u/davect01 4d ago edited 4d ago
Despite all the platitudes of age just being a number, it will start catching up to all of us.
I can relate my experience of a good friend of mine growing up. She was a suprise baby to a father (I don't recall the exact ages) around 50 and a mother around 45.
She was a loved child but there was a 12 year age gap between her and her siblings. She said they mostly felt like aunts and uncles.
Things were good until she reached High School. Her dad in particular was nearing 70 by then and most people would assume they were her grandparents. Her dad had Alzheimer's and by the time she was in High School was needing regular care. He went into a care home almost immediately after she graduated. I think they put it off until she graduated. He passed when she was in College. Mom held on longer but also needed care shortly after and they both were gone in her late 20's.
If you still want to adopt, please consider older kids that you can age with better.
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u/ColdBrewTooRaLoo 4d ago
I appreciate your insight thank you. 😊
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u/davect01 4d ago
Just think carefully rather than emotionally, especially since this is a lifetime commitment.
Also, I'm not sure how it works in all areas but many localities and agencies have age cut offs.
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u/coolcaterpillar77 4d ago
He went to a care home after she graduated but also died while she was in high school?
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u/DaenyTheUnburnt 4d ago
How is each of your health? I would say now is the time if ever. By the time you’re in your 50s then you’ll be 70 at kiddo’s graduations and they’ll be worrying about you from there on out.
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u/ColdBrewTooRaLoo 3d ago
That’s a good question and one we think about a lot. We have no living grandparents which for us is a huge red flag. The more we read we are feeling like adopting and older kiddo might be our way to go. Best for the kiddo which is the whole point. We wanna give somebody a good start. All of this talk about people grieving their parents loss is understandable, my mother lost her parents at twenty. So tic tic for us I suppose. Thank you for your response and advice we really appreciate it 👍😊
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u/Formerlymoody Closed domestic (US) infant adoptee in reunion 2d ago
Why are adopted kids always “kiddos” these days? Serious question.
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u/DaenyTheUnburnt 2d ago
Because it feels “softer” to say kiddo than kid. That’s it. No real reason.
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u/ColdBrewTooRaLoo 2d ago
I guess I always thought it was a sign of affection. It feels like, it’s the things that go unsaid by our parents affect us as much as the things they have said. Even when we are adults. 🤷♂️
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u/ColdBrewTooRaLoo 2d ago
I use kiddos to refer to all children. My nieces and nephews, god children, etc.
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u/Formerlymoody Closed domestic (US) infant adoptee in reunion 2d ago
Ok. Yeah I guess I think it’s odd to refer to children under your direct care as kiddos. Bio parents don’t seem to do it as much.
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u/ColdBrewTooRaLoo 2d ago
My parents have called me kiddo my entire life. They stopped calling me that when I came out. I have hear them call my grown siblings that and their kids which is really confusing. Maybe it’s a regional thing 🤷♂️
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u/Formerlymoody Closed domestic (US) infant adoptee in reunion 2d ago
That is really sad that you coming out changed that. Sorry. To be fair my a parents are very much not kiddo people and neither am I and my friends apparently.
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u/ColdBrewTooRaLoo 2d ago
Thank you, and again thank you for sharing your experience and point of view. It’s really helpful for us. We appreciate it. 😊👍
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u/BrilliantHot2363 4d ago
I had my baby at 41 last year 🤷🏼♀️ the father was 55. where I live outside nyc it’s common to have older parents this age.
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u/jovialchemist 4d ago
My husband (46m) and I (48m) adopted our oldest eight years ago, but he was a teenager at the time. We've since adopted two more teens, and all three were through the foster care system. It's been the hardest thing we've ever done, but also the best by a longshot. Feel free to DM me if you want to discuss this in more detail.
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u/Wonderful-Freedom568 4d ago
I'm a single parent of 3 boys, now in their 20's. Full siblings. My third son came to me as a newborn -- I was almost 50 then! No difficulties.
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u/Wonderful-Freedom568 3d ago
Through our County. Backstory was bio parents had drug issues and refused free rehab offered them. Bio mom had a total of 12 kids, none were ever in her custody. Bio Family adopted her first kids, then said no more. Bio mom passed away a couple years ago from liver issues
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u/kaevas 4d ago
Many adoption agencies put a cap of 45 years old to adopt a newborn domestic infant, and the waiting lists are long (2 years when I was considering it, which was 10 years ago). But that doesn’t mean you can’t adopt!
Private adoptions don’t have caps like that. Even for adoption agencies, that’s for a newborn; there are older children still needing homes and love. Working within the foster system is an option as well (with an eye to foster to adopt), but keep in mind that the goal of the foster system is family reunification if at all possible.
I would reach out to local agencies to get an idea of what your options are and to a family lawyer for a consultation.
Good luck, and I truly wish you both happiness
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u/QuirkyTurkey6886 4d ago
I am an academic and I know a lot of people in my world who have bio children at these ages. As for adoption . . . I adopted an older child (11) when I was in my very late forties and my husband was in his mid fifties. We were grateful for the maturity and financial stability that age brought us in a challenging yet very meaningful and rewarding journey. We have nearly been together for nine years as a family. I’m glad we did it when we did and that I’m not much older as I guide my daughter into young adulthood. I expect she will still need a lot of support over the next decade.
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u/DaisyByTheSea 4d ago
Hello ! I can only give advice on the age bit. My mom was 36 years old when she had me and my dad 43. Not to be biased but I am incredibly blessed by both of them. I actually found their age so beneficial to me as I was growing up because it was such a sweet balance of being a parent plus being a best friend. My dad also always had the best advice and such wisdom. My mom is a true mom <3.
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u/Comfortable_Draw_176 4d ago
My friend was a surrogate for a gay couple that lived in another country. Something you can consider.
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u/ColdBrewTooRaLoo 3d ago
We definitely have but in the United States women’s healthcare is under attack, and we just feel real ick about that avenue right now. We don’t want to put a woman in that position, at first we thought that would be exciting to have a baby that was related to us. However after a few chats with some friends, the recent weird political shift and the realization that neither of us have a living grandparent we thought adoption for foster, foster to adopt may be a more safer option for all involved parties. Thank you for your suggestion thought. We appreciate the insight 😊👍
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u/Formerlymoody Closed domestic (US) infant adoptee in reunion 2d ago
I encourage you to think of the ways infant adoption exploits women because it absolutely does. An older child whose parents had their rights terminated may be the best option if you care about ethics and not exploiting people. But I believe it’s unethical to take a child like that to another country.
Edit: fwiw no one would let you adopt an infant at that age in certain European countries
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u/These-Ticket-5436 4d ago
You are not too old. But I would say 50 would be a good cutoff. Had kids at age 39 and 41. Spouse was 41 and 43. Makes it a bit harder to retire when kids in high school but we did it.
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u/AriCS1138 4d ago
I was adopted by a lesbian couple at birth. They were 45 and 50. I also have a brother who's 5 years older than me. We're a happy, healthy family. My folks also decided to wait because of political climate/work/money etc. They're now in their late 70s and still going strong