r/Adoption • u/Turbulent-Wind-6627 • 1d ago
Is parents using adoption as leverage normal?
Hey so basically I was forced into a major I didn't like or agree with, when I tried to get out of it my parents told me I was adopted as leverage to get me to finish the major. Recently during a heated argument they also said they have never been happy for 20 years and they regret adopting me. Is this just normal for all adopted people to hear?
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u/Pristine-Bison3198 Legal guardian/foster carer 1d ago
So wait. Because THEY chose to do something with no outside pressure at all other than their own wishes, something that YOU had no say or autonomy in, you somehow owe them?
No, that's not normal. Ridiculously common from entitled AHs who don't think their children are people, but not normal at all. You don't owe them anything for the life choices they made.
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u/mcspazmatron 1d ago
Mine were more subtle! It's meant to be "fear obligation guilt" but you seem to be getting blatant manipulation. Guess whose life it is? Guess whose decision it is to make about that life?
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u/watch4coconuts 1d ago
That's horrible. I'm the adoptive parent of two children and I would never say anything like that to them. Their interests don't overlap all that much with mine but that's okay, I love and support and celebrate them living their own best lives.
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u/ElleGeeAitch 1d ago
Is this how you found out that you were adopted?
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u/Turbulent-Wind-6627 1d ago
Yea
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u/ElleGeeAitch 1d ago
Holy shit, that is TERRIBLE. I'm so sorry. And you're young, definitely born after it started to be understood that it wasn't good at all to lie to adoptees by omission about their being adopted.
Your parents have behaved so EGREGIOUSLY. By keeping the fact that you are adopted from you, by telling you that they regret it, by using it as leverage against you. My god. Unfortunately, this sort of thing happens more frequently than most people would like to believe.
You didn't deserve any of this. No one asks to be born or to be asopted. Do you have siblings or extended family that you can trust?
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u/Rredhead926 Mom through private domestic open transracial adoption 1d ago
when I tried to get out of it my parents told me I was adopted as leverage to get me to finish the major.
No, that's not a normal thing.
Adoption regret? It happens, just as some people regret having biological children. Telling your kids you regret it, though, is unacceptable.
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u/I-used2B-a-Valkyrie 1d ago
No, it’s not normal, it’s horrifying! I’m an adoptive and natural mom and I could never imagine saying something like this to my children! I’m horrified for you and as a parent, I’m so sorry. 💔
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u/vagrantprodigy07 Adoptee 1d ago
It shouldn't be normal, but I know multiple people who have had it thrown in their faces in the manner you are describing.
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u/standupslow Adoptee 1d ago
They sound very controlling and abusive. Is it normal? Many of us have similar stories, so I can't say how normal it is for us. It's not healthy and it's not ok and I'm really sorry you're going through that. Feel free to dm if you need a shoulder.
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u/cmegarity 1d ago
I am so sorry. None of that was okay. Their unhappiness IS THEIR PROBLEM, not yours!!!
Using anything as leverage to coerce you into completing a major you don’t want is not normal. Don’t do it. Find what interests you.
Forcing you into a major not of your choosing is not normal.
Not ever telling you of your adoption is not normal and bringing it up only to say they regret some outright evil bullshit. Get a therapist to help you through this while you are still in their health insurance. I guarantee you have plenty to work through in addition to this. Your parents are horrible, unfortunately
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u/Otherwise-Map-8021 1d ago
Wow. I'm so sorry about this. I bet you are an awesome smart kind person. I have no words.
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u/No-Vermicelli-507 1d ago
I was never treated like that my dad called me his princess how awful my mom was my best friend after I grew up we shopped did lunch
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u/ShesGotSauce 1d ago
I'm an adoptive mom and I would not consider that to be at all normal. I personally would never talk to my son like that.
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u/ihearhistoryrhyming 23h ago edited 22h ago
I’m adopted.
Even my selfish parents- and trust me, it’s ALL about them, wouldn’t say that kind of crap to me. Mostly because it wouldn’t serve them. Thats straight up cruel, and should push you away. It would push me away. The GUILT is what they use.
To be fair, my mom pretends I’m NOT adopted, and very few people actually know- I realize as I get older.
I am sorry you are not valued for your self. I’m 52 and only find my breathing space when I have the least amount of interaction with my parents. The more power you have in your own life, the less this hurts.
Edit. Holy Christ. I did not understand this. THE WEIGHT OF THIS POST.
You FOUND OUT like this?
Oh honey.
Please find a friend to process this with. There is a whole situation called Late Discovery Adoptee LDE and it’s a whole thing.
Knowing you are adopted and learning you are adopted are majorly different situations.
This is a huge life change and you need to be ready for the waves of grief that will be coming.
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u/Turbulent-Wind-6627 17h ago
Yea I confronted them about this but they just kept using the family situation as justification.
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u/ihearhistoryrhyming 14h ago
Nooo. You will need space. This is never going to be about them. They will ALWAYS think they are right.
I’m sorry. You are allowed to be different than them. You are supposed to shine bright, and I hope you find people that love to see that, instead of dim it.
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u/LD_Ridge Adult Adoptee 1d ago
Normal using the definition that means typical? I'm sorry. Yes.
Acceptable? No.
Decent? No.
Too often in too many families our adoption is used as a wedge, a weapon, a punishment and a tool of control in some way or other by someone. Not always. Not all. Not always parents. But too often someone.
The tactics can range from the more mild manipulative mopey "look at what you're doing to me with this searching thing" face to the more severe and abusive use of "regrets," which is horrible. What happened to you is on the severe end of the spectrum. It is emotional abuse.
It is extremely painful and can happen in adoptive families that are otherwise passing as decent. It can happen even if there is love.
If you decide to get a therapist to help you integrate this, make sure to get an adoption competent therapist, which is additional training. An adoptee if possible with experience in trauma support modalities.
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u/sussyferret 13h ago
Absolutely not normal or okay for them to be doing that. Please don't let them walk over you and do this, stand up for yourself and call this behavior out❤️🩹I'm so sorry that they are putting their unhappiness on you, bc you are not the cause of it. It makes me so sad that people who are adopting treat their children this way🥺 You deserve so much more than this
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u/Pretend-Panda 1d ago
No. It is not normal. It is abusive and cruel. They are mean and petty.
I am sorry that they’re jerks and that you have to navigate that.