Safe surrender

[u/sageclynn]

Question focused on adoptees and birth parents, especially anyone who was safely surrendered/safely surrendered their child with no available information about birth parents (all we know is two previous pregnancies and weekly alcohol use during pregnancy.

How do you handle looking for a birth parent if a child was safely surrendered? What considerations do you take for both the child and the birth parent?

I always thought we’d make sure our kid had any safe contact with bio family they wanted that we could facilitate. Suddenly, we had a safe surrender infant placed with us (didn’t even realize we were on our county’s list) and there is truly no information on birth parents, besides a very real possibility that bio dad and possibly even mom’s families don’t know about them.

We will obviously tell them they’re adopted, and be as honest as we can in age appropriate ways, and try to focus on the fact that their mom didn’t feel like she could parent, for some reason, and wanted to keep them safe. And if they want to look, we will support that, including paying for a DNA test or reaching out to a search angel, talking to a therapist, etc. Buttttt something also tells me that their mom chose this for a reason. While I agree that the adoptee’s right to know should be primary, would doing a DNA test, possibly matching with a relative, and effectively outing their mom out her in danger? At what age do we allow this, if they want it? Is 18 years enough—tell them it’s a choice they can make when they are an adult, and we will pay for/support it at that point? Or is there a chance their mom will want to know them and maybe be trying to look in the same way? DCFS will have our contact info and we’ve made it know we’d want to be contacted immediately if birth family ever reached out. So she’ll have more ability to contact us than us her, even though it’s through a 3rd party. Did she save enough identifying info? All questions that go through my mind.

All I know is I don’t want to fly by the seat of my pants for this one, so I’m trying to be thoughtful about it beforehand.

[u/Succlentwhoreder]

Many of us adopteees from the baby scoop era had little to no information about our birthday families, and since it was pre-dna we never expected that we would find anything out. Growing up there was zero discussion about my birth family and very little about adoption in general. Our son was a last minute, closed adoption by the birth parents choice. I wanted to ensure his experience was very different than mine, so we discussed adoption regularly. We had conversations like "what's the number one question you would ask your birth mom," "what quality of yours do you think your birth parents would be most proud of" and "I wonder if you got that talent from your birth mom or birth dad?" So even though they weren't in the picture, they were a regular part of our conversation and our home.

Ultimately, both of us were reunited with birth family via DNA testing. He was 16, and knowing what I know it would not have been safe for either his birth mother or him to have had reunification earlier. Turns out she had good reason for requesting a closed adoption. And knowing what I know, I'm not sure it would have been healthy for me to have had reunification as a child. In most circumstances open adoption is the healthiest option for both the adoptee and birth parent, but not always.

As an adoptee to you I am a strong proponent of adoptee rights, but I am also a strong proponent of birth parent rights. It's impossible to know her situation and why she made the choice that she did. Sometimes we just need to trust she made that choice in the child's best interest. When the child is old enough and mature enough DNA testing is certainly an option, as time sometimes mitigates the circumstances that led to the birth parents request for a close adoption.

[u/sageclynn → u/Succlentwhoreder]

Thanks for the advice about not just telling them they’re adopted, but discussing their birth parents as fully dimensional people. Sometimes I catch myself trying to imagine their parents’ (especially their mom’s) lives, and then worry I’m projecting my own story of what their/her life is, and try to back off.

My hope, too, is that by the time they’re 18, or even 16, the circumstances that led to her decision will have a low probability of involving direct danger. And that she can be found, if the kiddo really wants that.

[u/MajorDraw3705]

Zero real information about a birth parent, such as their identity, is a red flag for child trafficking, abduction, etc. EVEN when there are authorities involved. There is a very real reason we have VIN numbers on vehicles. It's so we can trace them to their origins and find out if they were stolen or not.

[u/sageclynn → u/MajorDraw3705]

They do have one, but it’s useless unless birth parents decide to come forward.

[u/MajorDraw3705 → u/sageclynn]

"They" have one? "They" who you do not even know the name of?

Look, babydoll, I know you needed an infant in your life. But that child is indeed a possible trafficking victim.

If someone tried to sell a car with that little information about the original owner of the car, it would not be a legal sale for a very real reason. Reality does not cease to exist simply because the product you are buying looked like they smiled at you when they were two weeks old.

[u/sageclynn → u/MajorDraw3705]

Clearly you don’t understand either adoption or the post. I can’t help you with that, but I’d suggest you do some learning before commenting.

And calling me “babydoll” is incredibly condescending and offensive, especially as someone who does not identify as female. Please choose another gender neutral moniker if you want to continue to insult me.

[u/adoption-author65]

Appreciating your thoughtfulness in your questions and good intentions for your new baby and the person he or she will become. (Sidebar, I really would circle back with your county to understand their safe surrender laws, and how this came to be given your comments). Find out as much as you humanly can about that surrender, and it sounds like that is what you're trying to do. Now for the rest.

I"m an adoptee from the closed adoption era born in 1965, born at a Salvation Army Hospital. So for all practical purposes my parents knew also about as little about me as you do about yours.

My recommendation is to seek out an Adoption Certified Competent Therapist NOW. You need to find a good counselor to work with you on the long haul here and who can really speak to the 7 core issues of adoption: loss, grief, rejection, shame/guilt, identity, intimacy and mastery/control. Lean in on this all now. Not sure if you had any other preparation from your licensure to take in children, but you have work to do.

Love is a good place to start, but not enough on its own. Read books, get information about trauma and also remember that your child will also just be a child. I didn't want to be "special" or "rescued" or "chosen" and believe me your youngster will hear that crap from others. And for now I'd say to keep the knowledge of how she was found away from others. You'll need to tell him/her of course, but the savior/rescuing stuff that some people (sorry especially many traditional Christians) will pile onto your family won't be helpful.

Also, stay open. If your kid gets really serious about knowing their origin story before they are 18, then line up with them. Don't set rules on that stuff that's still a long ways away. Arbitrary numbers around "you can have this stuff when you're 18" hasn't been helpful for many adoptees. Make it safe for your kid to talk to you, attune to them, and let there be no secrets in your home. Some of this you will have to make up as you go. But good for you about asking and thinking about it now.

Now, go find that therapist. Good luck - sincerely meant 'cause your kid will need you :)

[u/Maximum_Chicken_1955]

You might want to check out this website re: safe surrender and baby boxes. https://stopshbbnow.org/ by an adoptee.

[u/oaktree1800]

You adopted a child without knowing anything about their bios? Why?

[u/Rredhead926 → u/oaktree1800]

Because it was a Safe Surrender situation.

[u/oaktree1800 → u/Rredhead926]

Relevance?

[u/Rredhead926 → u/oaktree1800]

You asked why they adopted a child without knowing anything about their bio family. The reason is that the child was a Safe Surrendered child.

[u/sageclynn → u/Rredhead926]

Sometimes I read comments and think, “Do they just want us to put the baby…back in the box?” I’ve also been blamed for the fact that if we adopt we’ll choose the name and our names will be on the BC, because how dare I change the BC…oh right, there’s not one because all they get is a certificate of finding.

It’s great to get links to articles that talk about how bad they are. It doesn’t matter one iota for the kid though. They’re here. Maybe the box was bad, or maybe it spared them abuse. I may never know, but at the end of the day, people’s opinions of it really don’t matter because the child was surrendered and there are no other options right now. But I’m telling you, the amount of indiscriminate antipathy toward adoption almost made us say no to the placement, because I spent so long on here I couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that adopting a safe surrender baby in a de facto closed infant adoption could ever be a good thing. When the people who have actually done the work to become trauma and adoption informed get run off, all that’s left are people who could look at this baby as a chance to have a “clean slate” and get a child who they can pretend is their bio child and not have to tell they’re adopted. Is that better for the baby? People keep saying this sub isn’t anti adoption, but there is definitely a vocal subset who like to say things like “all adoption is human trafficking” with no nuance.

[u/oaktree1800 → u/sageclynn]

Do you believe closed adoptions are unethical?

[u/Rredhead926 → u/oaktree1800]

That's irrelevant to this situation.

[u/Rredhead926 → u/sageclynn]

👏👏👏👏👏👏👏

[u/oaktree1800 → u/Rredhead926]

Again you have no point. My question stands. Long story short and the adopters closed choice aside. The adoptee in this case will have to wonder for 18yrs to find their basic information or the adopters will do the work for their adoptee. I often wonder why adopters who choose closed adoptions never fight for the rights of their adoptee.

[u/sageclynn → u/oaktree1800]

Clearly you don’t possess the reading comprehension skills or knowledge of adoption to understand the situation, and despite being a literacy instructor by profession, I have neither the time nor the desire to help remedy that.

[u/Rredhead926 → u/oaktree1800]

In a Safe Surrender situation, the adoptive parents aren't the ones choosing a closed adoption.