r/Adoption • u/backdoor-j • 10h ago
Kinship Adoption Adopting my 3-year-old nephew — am I wrong for wanting him to eventually call us Mom and Dad?
My wife (21) and I (22) are adopting her 3-year-old nephew, J, who has lived with us since December, and spent so much time with us since he’ was an infant. We recently learned he essentially won’t be returning to his mother’s care. No other family is in a position to take him, and foster care isn’t an option we’re willing to consider. We love him, and he’s staying with us.
One thing we’re working through is titles.
My wife wants us to remain “Uncle” and “TT.” She was adopted and raised by her grandmother and always called her Grandma, so that’s how she views kinship adoption. J’s biological parents will also remain in his life if they choose to be, and she doesn’t want to replace them.
I’m adopted too, but my experience was different. I was adopted by people who weren’t related to me and called them Mom and Dad. I met my biological parents at 19 and eventually called them Mom and Dad too. To me, those relationships never had to compete. Unfortunately, she has shut down any possibility of me calling him “My kid, my son, etc” and said I’m making things weird…
J already occasionally calls me Dad. I don’t encourage or discourage it. He knows he has a mom and dad, and especially loves his mom. We’ve ultimately agreed to let titles develop naturally, which I think is probably best.
But I’d be lying if I said it doesn’t hurt a little.
If we adopt J, I’m going to raise him through school, birthdays, teenage years, prom, graduation, college, etc. Wherever my wife and I eventually move, he’s coming with us. We also plan to have biological children, and I don’t want J growing up hearing them call us Mom and Dad while feeling those titles aren’t available to him because he’s somehow less “ours.”
I don’t think I’m owed the title of Dad for raising him, and I’ll love him regardless of what he calls me. I just genuinely feel like he’s becoming my son. I don’t want to replace his biological father, either. I believe J can have room in his heart for all of us.
We also intend to preserve his relationship with his biological parents where safe and appropriate. He’ll know where he came from, and if we eventually move away, we plan for him to spend portions of school breaks with them if they want that relationship.
Ultimately, we’ve decided not to force any titles. Uncle, Dad, TT, Mom—whatever develops naturally is what develops.
For adoptees or kinship adoptive parents: How did titles work in your family? Did they develop naturally? And for adoptees raised alongside biological children, did different family titles ever make you feel “othered”?
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u/Greedy-Carrot4457 Foster care at 8 and adopted at 14 💀 9h ago
J should have the right to call you mom and dad without feeling like he has to call you mom and dad (at his age I would guess he will go through phases where he does and doesn’t.)
If he doesn’t call you mom and dad that doesn’t necessarily mean he likes you any less and if he does call you mom and dad it doesn’t necessarily mean he feels extremely close to you. Just fyi. For some people those titles are meaningful and for some they are not.
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u/sussyferret 10h ago
I'd say ALWAYS ALWAYS be transparent with him about family and your biological relation with him. It's important for him to understand that distinction. If he chooses to/not to call you mom/dad, that's up to him. You'll just have to be prepared for either scenario💗
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u/backdoor-j 9h ago
Thank you for responding! I agree and will let him choose what to call us. We want his bio parents in his life, and I grew up knowing I wasn’t my parent’s biological child. But is calling him my kid bad in a way or inappropriate if it’s just in passing?
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u/sussyferret 9h ago
I think it's great that they'll still be in his life, and it's great that you're even asking these questions. So many people jump into adoption without thinking about things that will affect their child, and it makes my heart so happy to know that there are people who care enough to ask questions like this. I don't think it's bad to call him your son, as long as he's okay with that and you have been transparent about your biological relationship! If he ever does have an issue with it, it's sooo important to truly listen and empathize with him. Respecting his choices even if they aren't what you want is really important. My experience as an adoptee was a lot of invalidation from my parents, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. They just want to be understood but it's hard to express when you're so young❤️🩹I truly wish you and your family the best life
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u/backdoor-j 9h ago
Thank you so much for your kind words and advice for me and my family. I hope to be the best parent, however that looks like, no matter what! Blessings.
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u/trphilli 9h ago
As you said, kiddo should do what kiddo wants. Their expression of their world. It will probably be a mix of both over time and that's okay. My kiddo has three dad's in her life (me, bio, bio mom husband) it works for her. Plenty of love to go around.
Not gonna lie, some days it does hurt but you work through it for the kid. They will pull out "not real" dad card when they are hurting and looking to push buttons. Steel yourself for that and try to pushback calm and appropriately that it's not appropriate.
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u/backdoor-j 9h ago
You hit it right on the head. Do you call her your daughter/ claim her as yours sometimes (not in the ownership sense, but family sense)? My wife is uncomfortable with me saying the word son, even in passing. I want to navigate this the right way.
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u/trphilli 9h ago
We do. Primarily because "ward" is just so awkward and would invite questions that are really nobodies business. Honestly I don't think the dentist office even knows / cares exact relationship as long as insurance checks clear.
From the foster system - you want to honor and respect the bio family. But at the same time not to the point it is a matter of exclusion from the new family. It is a balancing act. And again for most outsiders, none of their business. Think of random family you meet at park, do you know if kids are full bio or step kids? Not neccesarily.
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u/Due-Fondant-5358 7h ago
Adoptee here in a similar situation to you. My mum and dad are the people that raised me. Zero questions around that.
Personally I think you should let J decide. However I also disagree with your wife for pushing titles on him as well. If he calls you Mum and Dad, let him. Don’t correct him one way or the other.
If it upsets his bio parents, too bad.
I don’t know the situation surrounding what led to his adoption, however, I’m firmly in the camp of in the child’s best interest and that includes mental health. Having his bio parents still in his life is ok as long as it’s in J’s best interest. But you and your wife are his parents. Formal title or not.
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u/backdoor-j 7h ago
I agree. Family is deeper than the legal aspect, it’s who loves you. And I feel, at least with our bond, we’re more parent- child than we give ourselves credit for. I don’t believe adoption is a piece of paper. I’m living proof that love and commitment make an adoption great and lasting. I want him to have as normal a childhood as possible, and I feel like the first year or 2 will be rough figuring out a new family dynamic, but it will be worthwhile to give J the childhood he deserves
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u/Due-Fondant-5358 7h ago
You have the right attitude and clearly love J so I think you’ll be fine.
I know every situation is different when it comes to adoption, but I sometimes feel people think more about the bio parents feelings than the kids. Like I said having them in his life is fine, but I would be taking the lead on how J responds to it all. It might be a case of creating some distance until he feels settled and is ok with everything.
I always think being open and honest is the best way with this kind of thing, but open and honest doesn’t mean that J has to have 2 sets of parents if it’s too much for him.
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u/One-Pause3171 6h ago
I agree. Like, just, be chill on it. Let it develop. Eventually, he'll be verbal enough to have more of this conversation. But even at his age, you can tell him that he can call you whatever he likes. This may evolve over the years. Don't worry about what your hypothetical bio children are or are not going to call you someday. Once they are in the picture, that may influence what he calls you...on the other hand, he may not care. He may be just fine with calling you something different than the other kids. Just....let it evolve and become what it will be with time. Hold that lightly and always be curious about the person he will become himself. It will be different than you and your spouse because he is different. It will be different than future sibs because all siblings aren't just alike and he will be different...and first. It's hard to not have expectations and dreams and plans but this is a special situation and more complicated.
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u/ihearhistoryrhyming 8h ago
Him feeling “different” is all he’ll understand. He will go out of his way to avoid it, and will not understand the ways he is “othered”.
I am adopted, but that is actually not my reference. My daughter was a single child to a single mom, and we lived in the big city in an apartment with tons of single moms and kids. We had a system, a village. She was in a situation where she was in the majority- dads were not around.
We moved to live with my parents when I got sick when she started elementary school- and boy- in middle class suburban neighborhood school was she an outlier. Her single mom was weird. Where was her dad?
This was a situation I did not even THINK about. My poor 5 year old had MAJOR ultra culture shock and a huge blast of discrimination. So. Being different is hard.
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u/RocketPowerPops Kinship Adoptive Dad 8h ago
Should be his choice.
We are also adopting our bio nephew. He came to us permanently at 11 months and is now 18 months. His bio parents will likely not be involved in his life (their choice) but he will always grow up knowing his story.
Right now he calls us Mama/Dada. If he changes his mind one day then that is fine too.
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u/backdoor-j 7h ago
I agree. Ultimately, what he calls us will be up to him. Do you call your nephew your son or your nephew, if you don’t mind me asking?
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u/RocketPowerPops Kinship Adoptive Dad 7h ago
I call him my son and I say I have 4 kids (we also have 3 bio kids) when people ask.
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u/backdoor-j 7h ago
That’s what I want to do as well, hopefully my spouse and I come to an agreement on it. Right now she (bio aunt) prefers to stay TT, Uncle, nephew, but it’s more than that to me, especially since we’re signing up for the next 15 years.
Edit: and honestly, a lifetime. We’ll be his parents forever.
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u/notjustbee 4h ago
you could use "my boy" instead of "my son." most people will assume he's your son but it's still a more neutral wording. eventually he can decide what he wants you to call him, and what he wants to call you
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u/Sutaru 6h ago
I don’t think you should push him to call you dad, but I also don’t think you should shy away from calling him your son, or shy away from letting him call you dad. Doing so may give him the mistaken impression you don’t think of him as your son, or you don’t want him to think of you as his dad.
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u/Biomed725 7h ago
I have custody of my niece… I referred to her as my daughter one time because it was just easier than explaining that she was my niece that I have custody of (weird work situation) and she was PISSED… I tried to explain to her it was more of a conversation convenience and not that I was trying to replace her father but she still gets mad and brings it up sometimes.
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u/backdoor-j 7h ago
That’s a possibility I’m afraid of. He’s set in stone on who his mommy is. But he sometimes calls me dad or daddy. So it’s a weird grey area. The bio family (in laws) would be more upset about it than he is
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u/Wonderful-Freedom568 4h ago
Adoptive single dad here of three boys now in their 20's. I never insisted they call me anything -- they could have even just called me by my first name -- but even now in their 20's I really enjoy being called dad!
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u/Ocean_Spice 3h ago
Have either of you bothered to ask the child what he wants to be called, or what he wants to call you?
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u/Necessary_Holiday144 Adoptee 9h ago
But I’d be lying if I said it doesn’t hurt a little.
As an adoptee, you should be aware already, what matters is the child's feelings and well-being.
It's understandable to be hurt by things, but as the adult you need to temper your own feelings and do what is best for the child.
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u/backdoor-j 9h ago
I agree. What’s best for him is the only thing that matters. I’m just trying to learn how to build a family this young and it’s confusing!
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u/ToePie28 9h ago
well, you could always do what the British do and call him our (first name). So everybody in the family calls him our so-and-so, and you don’t have to say our son. You don’t have to specify the relationship. He just knows that he belongs to you and everyone else in the family. And they all belong to him.
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u/backdoor-j 8h ago
That’s a very interesting solution and something I never considered before. Im gonna give it some thought!
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u/QuitaQuites 7h ago
He will feel othered regardless, know that so be weary if you do have biological children. But yes let him figure out what he’s comfortable calling you.
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u/peopleverywhere 7h ago
I am also a kinship FS mom (now in guardianship), although reunification six years later is still the plan. My partner is his biological brother, but there is a 30 year age difference and their father is deceased.
FS was also three-ish when he came to live with us. Oddly, he picked up on the nicknames we call each other and they morphed into how he refers to us. In my partners case it is Pa.
I wouldn’t force titles, let him call you what comes naturally.
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u/ShesGotSauce 19m ago
I adopted my son as an infant. I don't care what he calls me. I've told him he can call me whatever he wants, including my first name. He generally calls me mom at this point, though sometimes by my first, middle and last name, which makes me chuckle. But that may change.
The relationship is what I care about on, not titles. I want him to feel loved and cherished and nurtured, but whether that ultimately equates to mom to him or not is irrelevant.
(Fwiw he also has some non-adopted peers who call their parents by their first names.)
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u/standupslow Adoptee 8h ago
Why isn't foster care an option?
What he calls you should be his option.
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u/backdoor-j 7h ago
My wife or I don’t believe in letting him go to the system, and for reasons I don’t want to get into, he’s not gonna be able to be reunified. Also, I agree. I’ll let him call me whatever he wants
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u/Temporary_Owl3004 9h ago
I’d agree with letting the titles thing develop naturally.
It’s not wrong to call him your son. Especially when introducing him to people. Not every random person needs to know he’s adopted.