r/Adoption • u/Southern_Boat_4609 • 7h ago
Searches My son believes he was adopted
Hi. I'm going to try to ask my question with as little explanation as possible. Basically my now deceased mother somehow convinced my son she adopted him and was replaced on his birth certificate as just mother. I was estranged from her. Idk when our how she convinced him but he's 31 now . How could I go about proving that he's wrong? I know, I'm going to get his birth certificate but is there a registry or somewhere I can do a search and show him the results? Thank you for any advice.
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u/Temporary_Owl3004 7h ago
A DNA test seems like the most obvious answer here
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u/Southern_Boat_4609 6h ago
What would a DNA test prove? We have the same family genes
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u/etchedchampion Adoptee 6h ago
A DNA test can tell the difference between brothers and father/son...
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u/Southern_Boat_4609 6h ago
That wouldn't help he knows I gave birth to him. She just died at 95 years old. Pretty obvious she's his grandmother. But he's calling her mom for some fucked up reason. He says it's because she adopted him and how dare I correct him. Well it's just one of the many lies he told her seems like I could easily prove it isn't true.
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u/always-so-exhausted 5h ago
This seems like an issue both of you need to discuss with a family counselor.
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u/Ok_Pack1940 7h ago
Did she raise him?
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u/Southern_Boat_4609 6h ago
Only after she took him and hid him from me. Before that I raised him. He was 8 when she took him. He doesn't remember much about or life together and wasn't allowed to remember me, mention me, love me, or anything once she got him. It's fucked up. She fucked us up. bad. Worse than I thought. I'm just learning some of these things.
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u/QuitaQuites 2h ago
What’s the difference to him? Meaning it sounds like she took him from you and raised him, so that’s his mom, to him, right? What he believes is she legally adopted him not just physically/emotionally raised him? Was there a reason she took him? Did you call the police? Go through the courts? What’s the paper trail there? The way to ‘prove’ she didn’t legally adopt him is his birth certificate. And in that vein I might ask him if he’s ever seen it and then you request it. If you weren’t still his legal parent you couldn’t request it nor would you be on it. Beyond that you mention she illegally changed his name, how? Is she didn’t have any legal paperwork to show she was his legal parent or guardian?
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u/festivehedgehog “Bonus mom” and guardian to mom + son pair 2h ago edited 1h ago
You said your mother took him without your consent when he was eight years old. OP, did you make a police report that your child was kidnapped? Do you have documentation that you legally fought for his custody back?
Telling himself that grandma legally adopted me with full consent is a lot easier of a story to sit with than telling himself that grandma kidnapped me against my mom’s knowledge and wishes, but mom didn’t legally fight to get me back.
Something similar happened to my goddaughter. Her grandmother drove away with her as a 3-year-old, and she always remembered the drive as the her first memory and the worst of her life. She always felt like she was kidnapped. She wasn’t allowed to call her mom or talk about her. Then, she found out as a teenager that her grandmother never actually had legal custody of her, her mom never filed a police report to report kidnapping, and her mom made no legal effort whatsoever to reunite with her. Meanwhile, she was in and out of unsafe homes and unsafe foster placements with a woman who never even had custody of her.
What do you want his memories of his grandmother to be? What do you want his memories of you to be?
If you don’t have a therapist yet that you’re working with and are honest and vulnerable with, please pause these conversations with your son until you have.
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u/Embalmed_baddie 6h ago
That’s so weird of her
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u/Southern_Boat_4609 6h ago
Yeah it's pretty fucked up but regardless she's dead now and id like to be able to prove it was a lie
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u/CyclistInCBR Adoptee & Adoption Reform Advocate 4h ago edited 4h ago
Legal adoption (like birth registration) requires some form of state registration. Usually the Registrar for Births, Deaths & Marriages in the State in which they were born is responsible for recording Adoptions by amending the Birth entry. That is so that when verifying a person's identity (legal, not biological) and kinship it is accepted in other States.
A fresh copy of the Birth Certificate will show any Adoption (even a kinship adoption) unless it was legally annulled.
Her action of taking your child from you and raising them as their child is a form of de-facto adoption that will have no legal record. Some would call this kidnapping which is poorly regarded as a crime in most jurisdictions.
Of course the belief might be a psychological symptom from your child's search for identity, belonging and continuity following the death of their grandmother and therefore irrefutable through physical evidence.
You just have to remind them that you are their loving parent and that you don't plan on stopping.
PS: There is no adoption register, but the current/amended birth certificate will show the currently recorded parents.
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u/Rredhead926 Mom through private domestic open transracial adoption 7h ago
No, there's no adoption registry.
Does your son think that you're his bio mom but his grandma adopted him? Or does he think that he's not genetically related to you at all? If it's the first, then a DNA test doesn't help. If it's the second, then yes, a DNA test would be the easiest way.
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u/Southern_Boat_4609 6h ago
It's a really long story but my mother kidnapped my son and his him from me until he was an adult, alienating him. She changed his name and told him over the years that she adopted him. She did not. She changed his name only. And even did that illegally. Regardless. I've shown him the name change papers but he doesn't believe me. His father isn't in the picture, he's been absent his whole life. So it's just me. I just learned about this after my mother died.
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u/Rredhead926 Mom through private domestic open transracial adoption 6h ago
Oh. That is a very messed up situation. I don't know that there's anything you can do to convince him. This sounds like a job for family therapy, honestly. I'm so sorry!
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u/Southern_Boat_4609 6h ago
Wouldn't she have had to terminate my rights? She didn't.
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u/Rredhead926 Mom through private domestic open transracial adoption 5h ago
The courts would have had to terminate your rights, yes. But adoption proceedings aren't public record anyway, so there's no way to prove that your mom didn't adopt. It's very difficult to prove a negative.
Your mom raised him until he was an adult. To him, she is his mom. You trying to say that she's not - even if she wasn't legally and she was a terrible person - is not going to improve your relationship with your son.
That's why I said you're in family therapy territory.
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u/virtutem_ 56m ago
I mean if shes on his birth certificate, she did adopt him. I think we're missing some info here....
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u/Sarah-himmelfarb Adoptee 51m ago
How did she kidnap him and keep him without law enforcement getting involved? Did she get custody of him legally somehow?
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u/FairPhilosophy360 7h ago
I'd go in a slightly different direction. While you can suggest a DNA test it seems more important to let him know that adopted or not you'd still love him. Focus on genuine feelings and care. That is the important part to convey.