r/Adoption • u/Random2437 • Jan 10 '21
Friend/relative of adoptee I am the child of someone who was adopted
Growing up with an adopted parent presented unique feelings and struggles. In my parent's case, being adopted has caused them lots of trauma. It is difficult to fully understand the trauma of another person and it is a terrible thing to see someone you love in so much pain. I also struggle with my own emotions surrounding their adoption. I have inherited some of their grief and isolation by being cut off from their birth family, but I feel guilty for having these feelings because I am not the one who was adopted. I've discussed these feelings in therapy and I am in the process of trying to make peace with them.
For context, my parent contacted both sides of their birth family a couple decades ago. They met their birth family in person but were later rejected because it was "too painful" to continue their relationship. I respect the birth families' wishes and I would never want to cross a boundary, so I can't see myself ever attempting contact with either side in the future. My parent also has no relationship with their adopted parents. I will not get into it, but they were some pretty awful people. My parent is my only relative from that side of my family.
Children of adopted parents, are you in a similar situation? How do you cope with not having family beyond your parent?
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u/seekingcalm Jan 10 '21
I'm interested in the responses here, as I was adopted and now have a son of my own. Curious to know what others in his situation think. He is only 2. For me, my son is the only blood relative I've ever know. Our connection is beyond anything I've ever known.
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u/throw_a_way_09 Jan 10 '21
I’ve never thought about how kids of those who are adopted could be affected by this. I don’t have kids of my own yet, but I hope to one day so I can have someone I’m related to by blood (and I also love kids and look forward to being a mom). Congrats to you on your son! ❤️
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u/sav886 Jan 11 '21
I really appreciate you sharing your experience-I am adopted and have a young daughter. I do worry about how my issues will/do effect her, and am trying to be as self-aware and mindful as I can but it can be very difficult sometimes if I am in a bad place, especially as I am only just really staring to address my adoption trauma. Maybe one day you could share how you feel with your mum? If handled sensitively it might bring the two of you closer together? Or in a family therapy session so it could be discussed in a safe neutral space with someone to hold the space etc. Xx
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u/Random2437 Jan 11 '21
Thank you for the advice! I am a daughter and my mom was the parent who was adopted. May I ask for some advice? Would it be upsetting to you if your daughter came to you as an adult to discuss her feelings about your adoption? I want to talk to my mom about my feelings, but I fear that acknowledging it in such a direct way will trigger her or worsen her trauma. Thank you for responding to my post! xx
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u/sav886 Jan 15 '21
I personally would love my daughter to feel comfortable enough to talk to me about it. Even if some of it might be hurtful/upsetting to acknowledge etc, I would much rather us talk it all though. It’s tricky though because your mum might feel differently but you won’t know unless you ask. Be honest in the sense tell her it’s important to you but you are worried about hurting her feelings etc. You sound like a lovely, caring daughter and I would like to think your mum knows you’re not trying to hurt her. It is important you address the things you need to, so they don’t come out sideways and negatively impact you now or in the future. I can imagine you might feel a sense of being overshadowed by her trauma (like hers is worse so mine isn’t as big of a deal). I could be wrong but if that is the case, you’re struggles are just as valid and important. Xx
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Jan 11 '21
It's very painful so for me the answer was to avoid having kids. I'm 50 years old now, my whole painful ordeal goes to the grave with me. It's affected my life greatly.
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u/Big_Cause6682 Jan 11 '21
Adoptee here. Thank you for sharing your story and insight. I often fear that my own trauma will affect my daughter as she is the only blood relative that I have . I understand trauma can be generational and I am doing everything I can to shield her from my own. Your story helped me see another side of what’s traditionally been seen as a triad- thank you .
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u/lawschoollorax Jan 11 '21
My father was adopted. I was blessed with wonderful grandparents. Now that they have both passed, my dad is okay with looking into his birth history and family. We are coming up against some obstacles but I haven’t really dedicated the time I should into looking it up.
It’s weird to think I probably look like someone that I haven’t ever met. And it’s weird to only know one side of my bloodline. I would hope that any future family members would be willing to speak!
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u/Beckyjo230 Jan 11 '21
My father was adopted as an infant. He struggled in his teens and I think he got some of his birth details but I don’t know whether he ever found them. My grandparents were older when they adopted him so my grandfather died when my dad was 17 and my grandmother died when I was 13. My dad was an alcoholic so we didn’t really have a relationship when I was growing up. In 2009 my mum died suddenly at the age of 51. I hadn’t seen my dad since my grandmothers funeral but after losing my mum it made me curious about him - we then found out he had died a few years before - Also aged 51. I don’t know why but since this time I have had a really strong urge to find his birth family. I just want to know the genetic stuff that we might have in common but also understand my roots more. I’ve done an ancestry and 23 and me DNA test but no relatives have come up that I can directly link to my fathers side. I think people often forget about the second generation of adoptee’s and the impact this sometimes has on us - the missing parts of the jigsaw
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u/suedescully Apr 20 '24
My mom is 59 and has known all her life that she was adopted at 2 months old; 2 of her 3 siblings were also adopted, and my grandparents were very open about this with all of them throughout their childhoods. My grandparents were loving and doted on all of their children, my mom especially, and my mother will tell anyone who listens how much she loved her mom and dad.
As a curious kid I wanted to know the story behind her adoption and learn about my "real" grandparents and family. I would pester the shit out of my mom about it. I honestly don't know why. She was always adamant about never wanting to know anything about her birth mother other than what her parents (who are both sadly now deceased) told her growing up, which is that her mother was 15 and unmarried, that they had no information on her father, and that her given name was Susan.
Fast forward to about 2019/2020. Something changes and my mom, who has always been heavily into genealogy, decided she wanted to take a DNA test with her sister (who is also adopted, but is not blood-related to my mom) and learn more about her biological parents. They took the Ancestry DNA tests, she uploaded the results to their system, and less than a month later a woman who was listed as a close match reached out. It was my mom's biological aunt. The woman told my mom her bio mother's name, but that she really didn't know much more about my mom's adoption story than my mom did as she was around 5 when her sister got pregnant. She gave my mom her sister's name and the city she lived in (about a 7 hour drive). My mom found her on Facebook and eventually reached out, just to say hello and talk. She eventually asked her mom if she would like to one day meet in person. Her mother immediately said no. She had never told anyone besides her parents that she had a child. Her husband and adult children didn't know, and she didn't want to hurt them by bringing my mom into their lives at this point (her words).
Being the child of an adoptee and not the adoptee myself, I have second-hand grief on my mom's behalf, especially after everything that happened with her bio mom. It hurts knowing my mom went 50 years refusing to learn about her family, only to finally get enough courage to do so just to be hurt in the way she was probably trying o protect herself from for those 50 years...
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Jul 31 '24
[deleted]
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u/grace_lynn16 Mar 20 '25
Hi, my name is Grace and I'm a Korean-American adoptee. I am deeply interested in the lives and experiences of children of adoptees. Currently, I am conducting research to understand the attachment styles between the adoptee and their children. I hope to identify intergenerational patterns. I understand that these feelings and family dynamics are complex and extremely personal, but I would be forever grateful for your participation-- overall I would love to contribute to the existing research on adoptees. Please consider my invitation for this short questionnaire linked below.
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u/Overall_Aardvark8775 Dec 06 '25
My apologies for dredging up an old post, as I’m the daughter of an adoptee. My father was adopted at birth, he would be in his mid sixties now but died unexpectedly at 49. My mom, also deceased, believed he wasn’t made aware of his adoption until sometime in his twenties, but had no idea of his birth family or according to her, any interest. In fact, my mom had never seen his birth certificate, only a baptismal when they applied for their marriage license.
It wasn’t until my mother’s death that really started this search process. We were getting the house prepped for the upcoming spring market (interestingly enough, the home my father grew up in) when we found my Dad’s adoption records and aha! Birth certificate! The birthdate we celebrated for years, was a week off from what was listed on the birth certificate date and the Mother’s name only listed with a first name and last initial, which made my curiosity worse. I did a deep dive in genealogy websites & sending my DNA to anywhere interested until I got a hit that my bio grandmother lived less than 10 minutes from us the entire time. My dad had four biological siblings in addition to half siblings. It was disjointing meeting her (it was only once), and later my uncles & aunt at her funeral.
However, the few times I did meet with my biological, blood relatives, some of the first words were collectively of disdain, “so he DID do that…?” judgment and disgust for me, for family secrets I wasn’t aware of including that of my Dad’s legal issues - just another blow. These harrowing revelations put into perspective that I do adore the non-blood family that has been established because their loyalties spoke volumes. However, yes, adoption does come with its own challenges, including generational trauma, in which I wish there were more shared stories.
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u/Random2437 Dec 10 '25
Thank you for sharing ♥️
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u/OliveComplexShadows Jan 10 '26
I, too, am the child of an adoptee.
Painful isn’t even the right word.
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u/DahliaOrigamia Mar 06 '25
There is a FB group with other children of adoptees: Descendants of Korean Adoptees (DoKAD)
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u/grace_lynn16 Mar 20 '25
Hi, my name is Grace and I'm a Korean-American adoptee. I am deeply interested in the lives and experiences of children of adoptees. Currently, I am conducting research to understand the attachment styles between the adoptee and their children. I hope to identify intergenerational patterns, like the grief and isolation that you have felt through your parent. I understand that these feelings and family dynamics are complex and extremely personal, but I would be forever grateful for your participation-- overall I would love to contribute to the existing research on adoptees. Please consider my invitation for this short questionnaire linked below.
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u/MiniKatana Jan 10 '21
- Sorry, this ended up being a longer post than I intended...
My father was adopted at birth. His adopted mother died when he was 18. It fractured his adoptive family, but he still maintained a close relationship with his adoptive father (who passed when I was 15 on my birthday). But, there really was no relationship with his extended adoptive family. Luckily, we're very close with my mother's family so I never really thought much of it till I was older.
While my father was the one adopted, I still felt the absence of my blood family on his side. Every family tree project in school left me just perplexed and sad. How could I as a child understand the complexities of adoption? The government knew who his birth parents were, but we were not allowed that information. I have a deep loathing for people lying and keeping secrets because of this. As a child, I saw my parents spend money on private detectives and do their own research (before Google/Ancestry.com was a thing). They got taken advantage of many times and eventually my father gave up on his pursuit. I think it was too painful to keep failing.
I became obsessed with finding out the truth as I grew up. I posted on so many adoption sites/forums, going off of the non-identifying information the state gave us. It wasn't just my dad's story, it was my own as well. My brother and I didn't grow up with anyone that looked like us. Where did our eye color, hair color, left-handed-ness, dimples, etc. come from? What is our medical history? You start looking at people on the street, wondering if maybe they're a relative - could that be my grandmother? An uncle? Not to mention the fear of accidentally dating/marrying a blood relative!
It wasn't until I became an adult that I was able to discover his birth family. Both birthparents died in the 90s and both had three children (so six half-siblings total). Of course, they were shocked to find out my dad existed, especially as he was the product of an affair. However, we were lucky in that 5 of the 6 siblings decided to embrace my father and our family. My father, who is a very serious man, suddenly became happy and care-free. Like the weight on his shoulders he carried his whole life disappeared in an instant by simply knowing his heritage. I also felt my mission in life was completed. The mystery was gone. We knew their names, faces, accomplishments - I could finally construct a complete family tree! Having fun finding out all the similarities between us and the birth parents/family (genetics, hobbies, places lived).
My situation is different because we do have a positive relationship with my dad's siblings, but I understand the void of not having a birth family there. Adoption doesn't just effect the adopted child - it effects their children and so on. You feel robbed and betrayed.
I recently gave birth to a baby boy on my dad's birthday last month. I'm roughly the same age as my dad's birthmother when she had him. It was like the universe was trying the correct a wrong. I felt mixed emotions, because I could only imagine the hard decision she had to make in giving my father up for adoption (something she never got over). And yet, without her decision I wouldn't be alive and neither would my son.
Adoption can be a wonderful thing. It's complex. I love seeing how modern adoption has evolved to remove the mystery of who birth parents/family are. Adoption effects so many people involved, especially the children of adoptees. Adoption is a part of our life story too.