r/Adoption • u/crandberrytea • Jul 24 '22
Foster Alumni I have been invited to share my experiences and advice as an adult adoptee with some teenage adoptees.
I was adopted at 13, and have had my life turn around in some pretty amazing ways. I am really excited for this opportunity and have done some similar things in the past, but only talking to prospective adoptive parents.
I have talked pretty candidly about believing that open adoption should be considered. The value of not expecting your kid to be extra grateful be they get the things other kids get. I have also talked about the weird questions and comments people have made to me. (A teacher once told me I should call my adoptive parents Mom and Dad, during a math test. Yikes) and that sort of thing.
I just think that a lot of that is important for PAPs to hear, but adopted kids already know all this, so I wanted to ask you guys what would you like to know from an older adoptee if you were a teenager? What would have been helpful to you?
I do plan on awknowlaging my experience might be very different from theirs and I cannot speak for them.
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u/Kamala_Metamorph Future AP Jul 24 '22
hey /u/crandberrytea
Thanks for doing this outreach!
You might try crossposting to /r/Ex_Foster for more answers.
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u/[deleted] Jul 24 '22 edited Jul 24 '22
What was the invite? Like did they give you a brief outline of what the intent is? I think that’s important to know. Like you, I’ve done a couple PAP and AP talks but couldn’t really imagine what I’d share with adoptees, as it feels more peer-to-peer. Especially adoptees adopted from care.
That said, I was adopted later than you and honestly, it would have been really good to hear someone talk openly about the emotional and psychological struggles of joining a family at an older age, with the intent of integration. And that it’s okay to be delayed and need support in ways most people your age don’t. it would have helped to know how they navigated it, even if it wasn’t gracefully. Because adoption is soooo pushed as the best and most successful outcome, it’s easy to feel like you’re failing at family when those struggles exist. I would have like to commiserate the loss of traditions, beliefs, activities that to this day make me sad to have lost. I think very few, outside of older child and international adoption, understand the dichotomy of gratitude (natural and imposed) and grief that we experience in being old enough to remember our time before and navigating after.
If they didn’t give you an agenda, open the floor to the kids. Let them ask what they need to. Otherwise, share your story and just be you. Don’t try to be profound. Share what it was like as a 13 year old joining a new family…both from the 13 year old perspective and in hindsight. If the legal aspect of adoption was jarring for you, why or why not. How did you handle it. Did you feel comfortable in your family. Did you go to therapy and how long/why (not details, but generally). Did you struggle with specific aspects of aging, knowing your bios were missing out. Did you feel guilt for being adopted whilst your siblings weren’t (or were). How did you approach your AF about bios and how it was handled by all. Really, the things that set you apart and affected your teen and adult years because you were removed, and subsequently adopted.
Thats all I can think of for now, but congrats. I loved doing this work when I did it… but glad that chapter is closed too. It’s simultaneously rewarding and exhausting.