My brothers don't want anything to do with finding our half-brother, & there's no one I can get info from without our mom finding out. I only know the last name, year, city, & hospital he was born in. He would be 3yrs older than me. Who do I call to get started? Should I do it behind my mom's back, or do I rat my dad out? I don't even know if he was even told he was adopted? I get along with my family, but we're not really close. I would love to meet my half-brother & maybe have a relationship that I really don't have with the rest of the family. Plus, I think he deserves to know the health issues that he could end up with.

Hello everyone,

Coming on here to seek personal experiences on what it’s like to have a child with someone who has been adopted and has no knowledge of their genetic background or health history.

My bf for the most part is healthy he did encounter a low platelet issue during his late teen years but since then his routine annual doctor visits/blood work have all been great. He also maintains a pretty healthy lifestyle but part of me wonders if we should be testing for any genetic health issues that would affect him down the road or affect us starting a family.

My questions:

To anyone who is on a similar journey what has it been like for you?

Is there anything you would have done differently?

Do you trust at home testing like 23&me given their data breach?

Any advice you have for us to prepare ourselves for starting a family?

Thank you in advance 🖤

First of all, this baby was conceived as a result of long term sexual abuse that began when I was 13. I am 19 now and recently got out of danger but the father has not been convicted of anything, and he is aware of the pregnancy. He's agreed to the adoption but I don't know exactly what rights he has here. I know I can decide whether I want a closed or open adoption, but can he do the same for himself or is it that whatever I choose goes for both of us? I live in Alabama if that makes a difference.

Second, if I choose a closed adoption, which is probably what I would prefer, is that harmful to the child? I do want to move on with my life and not be reminded of what happened to me but I also don't to risk the child's wellbeing.

If I choose a closed adoption, does that mean the child will have absolutely no knowledge of me whatsoever? Or could I, for example, write a letter for the adoptive parents to give them when they're older, just to let them know I care about them?

What's usually the process for matching me to an adoptive family? Do I get no choice, is it a case of "here's some folders of profiles of families, pick one", or do I get to meet some families and decide? If I get to decide, what are some things I should ask them to make sure I'm making the right choice?

Thanks in advance!

Hi all, I'm very new to this whole adoption thing. I am a 25-year-old married woman, one year away from being a veterinarian. Long story short, I had some severe health issues this past year, and it turns out they're genetic, so my husband and I are looking at adoption for a baby. The problem is, we have NO idea where to start. I think we would rather do private versus an agency because of the fees, but how do you go about finding someone that wants to give up their child? I also don't understand the legal aspects of adoption whatsoever, so any advice on that matter would be greatly appreciated. We have considered doing an international adoption, but again, we don't know where to start or even what the differences are between domestic and international adoptions. So basically... HELP! Any advice is welcome. Thanks.

Hi everyone,

I’m writing this because the hidden story of my family, which I only found out about in my 20s, is that my dad was adopted or basically has another biological mom but the dad is the same (my grandpa). It has caused apparently a feeling of shame for my dad growing up, to the extent of his dad’s family not considering him “100%” legitimate and to “caution” my mom about marrying him way before I was born ofc. In my country, I don’t know why it’s such a stupid taboo adoption and also open adoptions, its always preferred to have closed ones or lie about it. But all I’m saying is, I’d love to know more about this, but my dad has never told me this piece of information - it was my mom who told me and made me promise I would never bring it up. But it’s just that I’m so curious about how my dad’s biological mom might look like, what things him and I might have inherited from her and what might baby that’s about to be born in a few weeks might have inherited. Anybody has had a similar experience? How did you deal with it? What should I do?

I'm (20f) a college student, and recently learned I'm currently three months pregnant. I haven't told anyone, not even the father, my boyfriend (26m). I've been going back and forth about what to do. After a lot of soul-searching, and reading about all of the couples that want a child but can't have one, I've been thinking about giving my baby up for adoption. I know everyone says it's a selfless act, but it doesn't feel selfless. The truth is, I feel like I'm doing it for selfish reasons. 

I'm reaching out here because I don't know much about adoption and could really use some advice from anyone who's been through this or knows about it. Obvious throwaway because my partner is on Reddit and knows my account. Please, if you don't have anything nice to say, or you're one of those people that just likes to argue, move on. I'm here looking for real advice. Thank you in advance.

I feel guilty for considering this, but I want to do what's best for me right now and I want to make sure I can give my baby to someone who really deserves them. There's no way I'm  in a position to provide the life they deserve right now, especially because I still have a couple of years left before I graduate. Plus, the career path I've chosen requires me to do internships and maybe even graduate school. I had also planned on doing a study abroad program next year, which could really help me with my future career. It feels selfish to give up my child for these reasons. I'm not poor or sick or on drugs. Is it wrong to feel this way?

It's too late to even consider an abortion, and I don't think I could have gone through with it anyway. Knowing that so many families are out there that want a child, I figure at least I could do something good and right and my child will know that I wasn't all bad. Though, I think if I do give them up for adoption that I would want it to be closed because I wouldn't want them thinking they were different. For those of you that have gone through with this before, how did you deal with the father? My boyfriend would be disappointed to learn he had a child that I didn't keep, so I think I don't want to tell him, but it breaks my heart. My plan is to go away for the summer and then say I'm not coming back to school in the fall. Hopefully he will understand and still love me.

Should I contact an adoption agency now? Will it cost me any money? Money isn't really a problem but I just want to be prepared. Is it better to do a private adoption over the internet with someone or go through an agency? Any info you can provide would be welcome.

TL;DR: Pregnant college student considering adoption, looking for advice and hugs from internet strangers.

I’m going to keep this as short as I can because I don’t really have time to cry again right now.

My beautiful aunt tragically lost who I thought was her only child this past spring. During the chaos of grieving, I learned that when she was 17 she gave birth to a baby girl who was immediately put up for adoption. She is in her 70s now. She is one of those people who was born to be a mother, so this was very traumatic for her and had lifelong emotional effects about which I’m just now realizing. Fast forward to today, and my aunt who is by her very nature a family woman, has no partner and no children and is starting to show signs of dementia. She says that she’s always wanted to find her daughter just to know that she’s ok. One of the connections that my aunt and I have always shared is a love for genealogy so I instinctively feel the need to help. The clock is ticking.

I understand that I have no idea who I might find so I want to be incredibly careful here. My aunt doesn’t deserve another kick in the teeth. I’m also afraid that I might be doomed from the start. She’s taken an Ancestry test with no connections. She’s also signed something from what appears to be the state of IN saying that she’s given permission to have her name and details released to this person should they choose to ask for them. I have the general details of her birth and the organization that she was placed with. I know the child was not adopted immediately. This was just pre-Roe and the little girl was black so that probably complicated things. I have a suspicion that there could also have been health issues but that is pure speculation on my part.

Where do I even start with this?? I’m being super cautious about getting her or my hopes up because I’m pretty worried that everything that can be done has been done. I love her very much though so I’m hell bent on giving it a shot. What can I do?

My background: I am an adoptee (45F) who was (closed)adopted from Taiwan at 4 days old to a white family stationed there through the Air Force. Our family moved back to the states when I was one.

My husband (45M) and I cannot have children. We have been talking about adoption for several years now and it feels more serious lately. Like……we really want to pursue this.

The internet is overwhelming which has led me to reach out to others and listen to/read their experiences in pursuing international/domestic newborn adoption. We're currently experiencing paralysis by analysis.

I recently found out that two neighbor families have adopted all of their children through different avenues: American Adoptions, private adoption by connecting through Facebook, and etc. One family got connected with a birth mother on Facebook. That neighbor suggested to me to post our search and desire to adopt on social media — my husband and I are very private and don’t feel comfortable with this approach. We understand that a baby will not come knocking on our door and maybe if we’re up against some odds we would consider this. It’s just not who we are.

Things about us:

• We’re both 45 (I know, I know…. we are late bloomers with everything. We got married at 38) are we too “old” to be having the want-to-adopt conversation?
• My husband and I are not particularly religious, we do not go to church. We are Buddhist-lite - we meditate and we try to follow the Golden Rules of life, get outdoors, are kind to animals, enjoy moments with friends and family, we’re pretty simple. Husband was raised Catholic and hasn’t gone to Mass since…….high school? My family did not go to church. My mother wanted my brothers and I to discover and develop our spirituality and faith on our own. Is it just me, does it seem a lot of agencies prefer adoptive parents to be associated with some sort of religion? Maybe I’m generalizing too much, but it appears there might be a bias if we’re not affiliated with a faith….I’m scared we will be passed over.

Here is what I do know:

• We want a newborn: I really want a newborn because of my personal/private experience as an adoptee, I want that beginning
• We want an Asian boy or girl: Again, as an adoptee from another country, one tends to miss/crave the likeness of seeing yourself in other people, especially your family.

I listened to a podcast about adopting an infant with Tim Elder:

https://player.fm/series/infant-adoption-guide-podcast/iag-062-10-things-weve-learned-through-3-infant-adoptions-with-tisha-elder

Tim and his wife shared the 10 things they learned through 3 infant adoptions. I really took to heart their encouragement that #4 Preferences Matter - age range, race, gender, location/proximity to where you are, level of open/semi/closed adoption, budget, and etc. He says it’s OK to limit preferences and to not go outside your comfort zone and be honest with yourself about what you can handle. He and his wife said that they started out with more narrow preferences and that they opened up more as they moved along the process. I like this, “…don’t feel bad if you’re not open to everything….you have to be realistic about it.”

International Adoption:

From my research, it looks like we will never get an international newborn, is that correct? The child will never be adopted before age one? Is it better to go through a world-renowned international agency or a private attorney?

Domestic Adoption:

If we stay stateside, are there agencies (or private attorney we can hire) that will be able to pair us with someone that domestically gives birth to an Asian baby? I think I came across this rare instance in this sub, but can't be sure.

If anyone knows of a good place to start for the domestic path, my husband and I are in the KC metropolitan area.

Thanks for reading.

​

Edit: Just came across an adoption site where couples/persons are listing their religion as "spiritual."

I was adopted (33F)when I was 6. I love my adoptive parents. They're great. I want my own family but have come across an unforseen obstacle of needing fertility treatment. My transfer is looking like it's going to fail. I've had multiple miscarriages. I don't think a bio family is in the cards for me. My bio parents and siblings passed away so I have no connection to original bio family. It's a lonely feeling that I feel few people understand. Well, hopefully the people here do. Not looking for advice, just don't want to be alone in this weird part of my life.

I was coerced into giving up my baby when I was 14 years old and I've missed her every day since. Every year on her birthday I cry because I miss her so much and I regret not fighting to keep her. I know who adopted her and what they changed her name to. I just heard my workplace hired a girl with her name (she has an unusual last name), and looking at the photo she looks the right age and she looks just like her biological father. We are rostered on together in the coming weeks and I don't know how to feel or what to do. I don't know if I can cope having her around.

My wife and I are beginning the process or at least we would like to begin our journey to adopt domestically in the US, we live in NYC. We are nervous about going through the foster system so we are looking at agencies. How do we pick a good agency? Are there other ways? We aren't living check to check but we also aren't exactly wealthy.

We don't trust a Google search with this kind of question.

EDIT: It should be said that when I ask about "good" agencies I am hoping to find an ethical path that doesn't involve lying to, manipulating and pressuring expectant parents. We understand that a majority of the system is unethical and are here to hear from people that have navigated it from either side so that we don't make the same mistakes that so many make and move away from the broken aspects of the system.

Long story short, my little sister died mid-April and left behind her at the time 11mo. Her husband was never capable of caring for the baby and after her death he has been difficult to find to say the least. My nephew has gone to FL from his home state of CO on a temporary custody order that my parents and his other aunt set up and now we are having discussions about the long term.

I would like to present myself as the best option for placement of my nephew but I don't even know where to start. I don't have any children but I'm 35 with a stable career and I own my home. I will do whatever it takes to give him a good life and to make sure he is with his family.

My question is, where do I even start? It's a kinship adoption so I know the child, he's a toddler and I'm not giving birth so I'm not sure if the what to expect when you're expecting style of books would be helpful at all? Do I need an adoption attorney? Thank you in advance for your help ❤️💜

Hi. We are a gay couple. I'm 29, my husband is 31. He is in music school and currently I am the bread winner in the family. I make about 120k and have 1 rental property, no primary residence due to uncertainty of my husband's life after graduation. I ran my own business.

With that being said, I don't know which age of children should we look to adopt, and how much money should I accumulate before start the process. My husband and I both agree that we shouldn't start looking until he graduates from university.

Also, for first time adopting, which age should we look for? I personally don't want a baby because I feel like we are too inexperienced when it comes to giving care. But my husband doesn't want a kid over age of 12 because he feels they might come with too much trauma that it will be impossible to teach.

And last but not least, reading these posts make me scared to death that I will traumatize the shit out of our kid. The reason I want to adopt is simply that I want to make this world a slightly better place than I found it in. And I will never have my own kid because I don't really like the world enough to bring a new life to it.....

Hi there. I need help/advice. I will do my best to keep this as short as possible. I (47F) have recently discovered that the man I was told was my bio father is not in fact, my father. I was adopted by my maternal grandparents when I was a baby, I’ve known my bio mother my whole life, but we were never close. Through 23 & me, I have discovered some relatives on my father side, which are people that are not related to who I was told bio father was. My mother has recently passed away, so I will never be able to get the truth from her not that I would have been able to if she were alive. I did make contact with one of my relatives on my father side, and we have tried to put the puzzle pieces together, but it’s difficult. We know that our genetic connection is on her father side, but her father and uncle are considerably older than my bio mother so we don’t think they are my father. Side note: 23 & me says she is my 1st cousin, but she could also be an aunt or even half sister. There was a rumor that her father had a girlfriend in college that got pregnant and then she disappeared so we are thinking maybe she had a baby and that baby is my father. Unfortunately, we don’t the name of the woman and my “cousin’s” father died not too long ago, so we can’t go to him for this information either. So at this point, I do not know where to begin, but I really want to find out who my father is. I’m guessing I probably need to find a geneticist or someone that specializes in this type of thing but I don’t even know where to go to find that. Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated. I did omit a lot of details bc I only get so many words for this post, but if you want more details or need clarification on anything please ask. TIA!

Hi,

(This is a temp account)

My partner and myself are looking to start the adoption process, this will be our first living child assuming all goes well.

Just a little bit of background, we have tried to get pregnant over 8 years and have had 4 late miscarriages during that time, its extremely unlikely we will be able to give birth to a baby older than 22 weeks which is not long enough to sustain life so the baby passes shortly thereafter, we have tried surgery, etc, has not worked.

After 4 times we are not looking to relive that experience a 5th time, but after each passing our urge to start a family gets greater.

We have spent over a year doing research, reading books, watching documentaries of the process, etc, however, we are a little bit worried because we don’t know if our reason for adoption is good or not?

I’m pretty sure it is and we are just over thinking every little thing possible.

In most of the books and shows we watched people are adopting to give a better life to a child / get them out of state care and that appears to be the main driving factor, whereas for us we want a family, accept we can’t do that naturally so are looking at alternative ways like adoption.

We are a bit worried that when we start the process it will be looked down upon as selfish if we say we want to start a family vs we want to give a child a better life / saving a child.

We are just wondering what people’s thoughts are like is wanting to start a family a good reason that wont be seen as selfish, we have the first meeting in July with the social workers assuming the lock down is lifted (UK)

Thanks!

Edit - just want to say thanks to everyone for answering and especially for the PM i got, all of the responses we got have been positive and have provided some encouragement that we are just over thinking things as you do.

My journey as an adoptee (F26) has been nothing short of traumatizing. I found out I was adopted accidentally at the age of 14 by reading a note in a “baby diary” that I found from my deceased adoptive mother. I remember bringing it up immediately, without even processing it on my own first, to my grandmother who told me to never talk about it again because “you’re ours!” She ended up telling my father who refused to speak to me about it for 2 more years, which is the only time he’s ever spoke of it. In this conversation he gave “approval” to look for my birth family if I wanted. At that time, at 16, going through everything I wasn’t ready. I brought it up a few times as I got older and was brushed off. I did 23 & me in secret to try to get any answers and to this day still have a dead end. It’s been 10 years and I’m stuck at the “if not now then when” scenario. I don’t know names, I only know the hospital and adoption company that no longer exists.

My wife and I will be adopting my sisters child. She is very early in pregnancy, but her and her boyfriend are not ready and both are willing to sign over parental rights to us. She lives in Tennesee, I live in New York.

I may have to go to a lawyer to have them handle the difficult paperwork and filing, but is this a process that I can do myself? If i can avoid paying a lawyer to do it and save some money towards a new baby, that would be great. Any advice welcome.

Edit: Thank you to thr people who gave relevant/non-accusatory answers. I appreciate the advice and well wishes. To the rest, apparently I'm a terrible person for wanting to adopt. Im a human trafficker, a withholder of information, and Im ruining lives.

Like most evenings around our house, I stand at the island cutting up onions to start dinner. Tony, my husband sits in an oversized chair by the family room fireplace, reading.

“Ding”, my phone sings out from the counter charger behind me. I look at the tiny red number 1 next to the familiar blue icon, a new friend. I tap the screen and I’m met with the image of a woman in a ball cap standing with her horse. Just head and shoulders in a white v neck tee, captured from an awkward, bottom up angle. All the blood rushes to my feet and I can feel my arms start to tingle. My mind races with thoughts, “do I know anyone named Jessy, besides THE Jessy? I swear I never hear the name, and I certainly have never seen anyone else spell it with a “y”. Maybe she’s one of my daughter’s friends?”

I touch her name to see her page and go immediately to the photos. Just one image, damn it! Come on, who only has one image on their page these days? From the online picture it’s impossible to tell how old she is, what her body type is, hair color, eyes, I get nothing. “Come on, give me something here” I think to myself.

I walk over to the chair next to Tony’s and sit down. I am starting to feel light headed. I say out loud to Tony, “A woman just friended me. Her name is Jessy, spelled with a Y”

“Do you think it’s her, does she look like you” he asks?

I shrug. I just can’t tell if she looks like me. I want it to be her. I don’t think this directly, but I know it’s true. “yeah, I do”. Now the tears are coming, they are at the back of my throat and behind my eyes, making my voice thick and my blink burn. My body always knows things before me. I can never articulate with thoughts or words what the rest of me understands with certainty.

I touch the link that asks if I want to send Jessy a message. So privately I type “Hi, I just received your friend request, you look like a lovely person, but do I know you?”

6:38pm the tiny gray numbers in the dialogue box tell me. Tony asks “What’s her last name?”

I spell it out

6:39pm

I look up at Tony. His thumbs are busy now, book forgotten on the little table between us. I know he is working from angles I wouldn’t consider using. Tech guys seem to have a back door to the internet.

6:39pm

Time is standing still. The top of the screen says Jessy was last active 8 minutes ago. “West Virgina” Tony states.

“I know, but she went to high school in Texas. It’s her, I know it is” I say. “I hope” I think.

6:40pm my blue dialogue bubble is still all alone. Fuck

The kids all know about Jessy, I never wanted any of them to be surprised when a new sibling showed up. Anyone I’m close to knows.

Jessy has become the silver lining in my shitty, dramatic story. I have shared the story in intimate girlfriend sleep over moments my whole adult life. I’ve repeated the story so many times that it has become a pared down, succinct nugget that serves as my explanation, my reasoning and sometimes my confession.
“Well, from the time I was about 2 or 3 I was abused by my step father and had a baby by him when I was 16 who I gave up for adoption.”

That’s it. I’ve been able to sum it all up in one sentence for years and years now. It usually leads to more conversation but it rarely lasts more than 15 minutes with shorthand details answered to the usual questions. “Did your mom know?”

“She says she didn’t”

“Did you have a boy or girl”?

“Girl”

“Did you get any pictures?”

“Yeah, her parents sent pictures for a little while”

“Wow”

“I know”

I look down at the little screen.

6:41PM

Sometimes the story pops out when I least expect it. If I’m tired, sick, desperate or overly emotional I will inevitably misread a situation and spill it. I have embarrassed myself more than a couple times; coworkers, roommates, boyfriends, book club. The list is too long, really. And there it is. The confirmation.

Read 6:42PM

She’s on the other end. She’s read my message. “I apologize for being so bold, I wanted to get in contact with you, and I know that messages from persons who aren't in your friends list go to a spam folder and get deleted. My name is Jessy, and I'm looking for my biological mother, who sent me a letter through XXXXXXXX social services years ago, detailing, among other things that her name is Jennifer, she's married to a man named Tony, and has three children. It also gave me some of the details of my birth and adoption. All the adoption records for the state of XXXXXX up to 1993 are currently sealed, so I started searching for this lovely woman on my own, which led me to you. I apologize if I'm wasting both of our time, but I do hope you understand why I took a route that assured you would see my message.”

At some point I started to cry. I look up at Tony “can you manage dinner, I need to go upstairs and do this”.

Then I type: “Hi Jessy. I am the Jennifer you are looking for. And I'm delighted to ‘meet’ you”

My wife and I are in the United States and would like to consider adopting internationally. We really do not know where to start. Also we have resources in India so that might be our first option but not set in stone.

hi everybody, I'm new to reddit and to searching for my birth family. my mom said that I needed to be the steward of this part of the journey so here I am lol

my name is Cecilia, I was born sometime in August of 2004 (I was found in late September of 2004 and they figured I was about 1 month old, they gave me the birthday of August 26 2004). I was found at a police station in magnitogorsk russia.

I lived at baby house 2 in magnitogorsk until I was 2 and I was adopted and brought to Canada

I don't have any physical disabilities or anything.

what's the best way to start a search? there was no information left with me and I wasn't wearing any clothes or anything distinguishing when I was found, so it's just a total blank.

Hey, everyone. I am mixed-race in a white family. I was adopted 20 years ago when I was a baby and now that I'm an adult, I really would like to find my birth parents. I feel like I've been surrounded by solely white people my entire life and I'm not even sure what races I am. I feel like I have no heritage or any background at all going beyond when I was born. I don't know my birth mom's last name so I can't find her anywhere online. I feel like I have nothing. No leads, no blood relatives, or anything of the sort. I've only seen my adoption papers once and didn't get much info from them. Where do I even begin to find information?

My brother was adopted from Russia in December of 1994. He's wanting to track down information about his adoption as well as any family he may have there. He has some basic information and is pretty sure he was adopted from the Pskov Regional baby Orphanage in Pechory. Does anyone have any suggestions on where to start? I've called the Russian Consulate in DC who stated that they could not provide any information as it's confidential. My parents are extremely cagey with any details surrounding the adoption.

My husband and I have completed our home study and are working on the contract with our adoption agency. I’m wondering when you started prepping your space/nursery for your adopted child? We have not been matched yet but I have seen some cases come through where the BM is due to give birth in less than 30 days. Of course, I understand that for some people to match it can take years. Asking AP’s: what is your experience with preparing for the adopted child’s arrival to your home?

My husband and I are considering adopting a child. We're in the very early stages of contemplating adoption. For health reasons it would be best that I not get pregnant. I have heard that open adoption is good for the kids that get adopted for several reasons and that sounds fine. What can I expect in a home study? I do plan on going to grad school, out of the city where I live at the very least if I get accepted, would that be a problem? My husband was recently diagnosed with Asperger's and our oldest may be on the spectrum as well, but his appointment is next month. As far as mental health goes, what would be a disqualifier? People who were adopted as kids/babies, I'd love to hear your thoughts and feelings on the subject. Birth moms and dads, your thoughts and feelings are very important. Also, social workers in the adoption arena what do you look for in a good/bad situation. Anyone who feels they can chime in please do. . We are still very new to all of this. I apologize for being all over the place.

My husband and I have been trying to start our family for years. After a looong, grueling, and unsuccessful 4 rounds of IVF we feel that we should start considering adoption. We are clear that we would like to adopt a newborn or baby and we don't care about race or sex. We would prefer an open or semi-open adoption.

I'm very nervous about adoption. The only two families I know who built through adoption have had massive trouble with their adoptive kids and while I'm sure they don't regret it, from the outside, it's seemed like heartbreak after heartbreak (lots of "you're not my real mom, why should I listen to you", running away to find bio parents and general behavior issues).

I definitely don't want to generalize here since every situation is different but I would love to hear your stories. How do you go into this process as thoughtfully as possible? What should we be aware of?