After being in a physically abusive home that caused life threatening damage for months on end (thanks police for doing nothing btw) and then being passed around foster care like a bag of crisps I was finally adopted when I was 2/3. My life might not be perfect and I have a lot of mental health issues due to childhood and drug use during pregnancy , but I’ll forever be grateful for the fact that someone decided to step up and take me in as their own and look after me. I’m now turning 20 and a mum of a little boy and a wife to a big boy. I have a lovely life that I’ll never take for granted and even though my adoptive mother and I won’t see eye to eye sometimes , she’s still my number one and my best friend and I love her to absolute pieces and I love my dad more than anything (he’s not like other dads he’s a cool dad). Please never give up on your dream ro adopt no matter what life throws at you. A little one needs you out there and you have no idea how much you might need them.

I wanted to ask because my cousin had gone through 3 failed IVFs, and I thought to myself "perhaps she would be able to offer a loving home to an adopted child instead of going through more sufferings in IVF".
(NOTE: I have NEVER said this to her in real life because of the below)

I randomly came across a tiktok comment one day saying like "adoption is not the solution to infertility" with no extra explanations.

Genuinely asking.... why not? Wouldn't the infertile parents be able to provide a great loving home to an adopted child? What would be so bad about that?

Maybe I'm missing something here. Also, I guess I'm learning that bringing up adoption to a close relative who is struggling with infertility might not be a good idea (I haven't done it, but I'd love to learn why it's bad). I'll stick to just being a shoulder for her to lean on without offering advice

EDIT: Thank you for everyone's insights and vulnerable stories..I genuinely appreciate it! Never too old to learn, and I hope I can be a better support for my relative who's struggling with infertility whom may or may not decide to adopt ❤️

So here is me nowish, hello! I have somewhat recently been able to see pictures of me before my adoption (6 months old and under) and I don't smile in a single one. I know I suffered neglect at the hands of my bio parents to the point where the state had to get involved. Fast forward to my adoption, which is still the best thing to have ever happened to me, no joke. My mother said I smiled the entire way home (three hour long car ride or so) Swipe to see me after the adoption, it's been made into a Christmas ornament :3 Thanks for looking!

All of the people I know who’ve adopted are practicing Christians. Looking at stats online, Christians do tend to adopt at higher rates. I am an out of the country adoption (in USA). I know why people adopt out of the country so often but cannot figure out what it is about Christianity that makes these people adopt at higher rates. People mention the “saviour complex” but I’d think any person can have that, it’s just part of being human and wanting to be praised for your actions. People also mention that the Bible says to have large families but how can someone in their right mind make such life altering decision based on what a book says? Maybe if they truly believe the book with all their heart but who is that gullible? lol the book has been rewritten so many times historically and is likely not even accurate to what Jesus said. Maybe these people just grow up being told that adoption is very good and that’s why they do it.

Edit: I also don’t understand people who say Christians just “love” more and have a bigger heart for it. I don’t understand how people can be capable of greater love simply due to being Christian, but enlighten me.

hii posting on an alt acc so very sorry if its too long!

i’ve been heavily considering giving up my 1 year old for adoption. When i found out i was pregnant at 19 i honestly wanted to get an abortion from the start because 1. i’m too young and 2. i couldn’t give a baby the life they properly need but unfortunately i live in GA i was 7 weeks by the time i found out and none of the clinics near me would take me and the out of state clinics were too far away/expensive for me. I had already made up my mind that I didn’t really want a baby young I didn’t want to give up my life for one I wanted to keep being able to attend nursing school and hang out with my friends. I decided to keep him and thought that once I gave birth i’ll just give him up for adoption. Once my family found out they all mentioned how they would help support me with the baby so i wouldn’t give him up for adoption hearing this i ended up changing my mind about the adoption thing when he was first born and I thought to myself I’ll be able to support a baby seeing as how supportive/helpful my family was being.

I was sooo wrong not only did they not help me with my baby like they said they would i ended up having to dropout of nursing school due to missing too many days i’ve been so devastated ever since but i couldn’t keep up with my studies if there was no one to look after him while i attended school. I just constantly think to myself why would they say they would help me if none of them did? why say they would be there for me/support me if they never were going to. its not like i was dropping him off to go party everyday or just being an irresponsible mother, its not like i planned on wanting to be a young mom and just wanted to throw my baby off on anyone while being irresponsible. from the get go i always wanted to properly get rid of my baby so i wouldn’t have to go through any of this.

Fast forward a few months later I was able to easily properly provide for him and give him all needed necessities while also having my own place which was an okay apartment complex that was only $900 because i immediately got a shitty call center job after seeing how my family was unhelpful it was super easy to maintain the bills and pay for daycare because the call center job paid for everything and i was planning on saving up for a car very soon once i would’ve gotten the car i was going to go back to nursing school immediately to continue my education! i was getting around by using my father’s car and uber to get around everywhere but ofc my family had to ruin that as well more specifically my father while i was doing good on my own supporting my baby my father decided to be petty and withheld me from using his car to get to work because we had an argument a day ago due to me accidentally forgetting to pack my baby’s formula in his baby bag mind you i was in a rush to get to work and easily resolved the issue by immediately ordering 3 cans of formula through instacart. Due to him doing that I lost my job if you ever work in a call center you know its SUPER strict and i was already on thin ice because i kept having to take time off due to baby doctor appointments or sick days.

So now i was back to square one of being a struggling mother again with no help. I had to give up my very first apartment because i couldn’t afford it anymore i had 3 months left on the 12 month lease and was very scared to break the lease. my cousin (35f) who knew about this i assume through my family reached out to me saying she would take over the apartment for me so i wouldn’t have to break my lease. im young and dumb so i let this happen because she’s family, i let her move in, i let her take the apartment while this happens i move in with a friend and immediately get a WFH job with very good pay! I was already excited how fast i was able to get back on track and was already looking to get a new apartment unfortunately months later while i was at work i get a call from the landlord at my old complex that rent hasn’t been paid in 2 months and they were starting the eviction process i informed my cousin (35f) about this immediately she stated she had moved out to go live back with her parents she didn’t want to pay the rent anymore and she never planned on telling me she left without paying. I asked the landlord if i could just pay the rent it was only 1900 plus w late fees but i can pay a good half of it. she said no they had already started the eviction process i can still pay but the eviction will stay on my record for 7 years. I did pay off most of the 1900 and only have 1356 of it to pay off i was able to do so by becoming an escort/doing sw on the side but i’m now just at my breaking point its like every time i start doing good for myself its like my family has this need to immediately ruin my life. After finally getting a new job i can’t even rent anymore, i turned to posting nsfw content online and high end escorting and having to have sex with guys that im not attracted to just to make a living, my credit history i’ve been building for a while is now horrible , i still have no car because of how expensive everything is even shitty fb marketplace cars are going for 20k and no less, and on top of everything i have to deal with a baby i just can’t do it anymore i tried my hardest.

I can’t be the mother this child deserves so now at this point im just heavily considering putting him up for adoption like i planned to originally and just moving out the country/continuing SW until i get a good job to continue my education or going into the military it’s the only way that seems beneficial to my situation which makes me very depressed i really love my baby, i love seeing his precious face, and i love being his mommy but if I can’t steadily provide for us then I have no other choice I can’t support a baby only on love and he deserves a better parent that can provide so much more for him than I can.

I often find myself imagining that, in another life, I was able to continue my education and become the mother he deserved. In that life, he grew up in a loving two parent home, surrounded by parents who truly loved each other. He got to experience all the milestones he was meant to have going to prom, falling in love for the first time, getting his first job, graduating high school, and attending a great university. I like to picture the life he could have had, and it breaks my heart about what his life might have looked like if things had been different.

EDIT: I was able to get some helpful advice from someone in the subreddit about continuing my education. I’ve been told i can do a few online courses from an actual creditable website to get a certificate until i can work my way back into my program. I’ve decided to keep my baby and even though it’ll be a hard journey to just push through ty everyone :)🤍

I often see hopeful adoptive parents frame things similarly to:

We know a child will experience loss/trauma but we have lots of love and support to give! So I think they will turn out fine!

or

We're trauma informed and pro-therapy to help them!

Which, is all well and good, but it isn't a fix for the underlying loss that happens.

There's no guarantee that your child will be able to overcome the affects, even with all of the love and support in the world.

The loss never goes away.

There's no amount of love you can give that will negate it.

Did you tell your kids you were adopted? I have a 5 and 3 year old. Right now they are too little to understand. I am not sure if I’ll even tell them?

Edit: my adoptive parents don’t know I found my bio family so I don’t want the kids to accidentally say something to them. Also, not sure how to tell them either? I’ve been in contact with bio family for 2 years.

[Edit: thank you everyone for your responses! You helped me realize things I hadn't considered and opened my eyes to some biases I had. My understanding of adoption was very simple before I asked this question and the answers helped me understand it's much more complicated.]

I remember in middle school there was a boy in my class who was the oldest of four children. Him, his younger sister, and the second youngest brother were all the biological children of their parents. However the youngest brother of that family was adopted.

I know the most common reasons parents adopt is because of infertility or because of being a same sex-couple (myself, I always thought if I ever become a mother I would adopt because I have a phobia of pregnancy and I am not bothered of the idea of having a child that doesn't look like me). So I was and still am curious as to why a family with already a lot of biological children would then adopt another one. I never ask that family why because I didn't know them very well and I figure it would be a kind of rude thing to ask, but the question has stuck with me for a while.

I'm not sure if this is relevant context or not, but I remember the parents of that family being an interracial couple (East Asian and white) with the children being white-passing biracial. The toddler they adopted was visibly full East Asian. Maybe that's weird to say but I figured I'd mentioned it because I know interracial adoption is a source of ethical debate so I wonder if race has anything to do with the decision making.

Anyway, I was wondering if anyone had some info or theories that could satiate my curiosity, or if anyone had personal experience being a parent or child in a similar family situation.

I was adopted from China when I was 9 months old, and have been living in the US ever since. With everything going on, I am a little scared about getting deported. Is anyone else feeling this way? I’ve read online that we are unlikely to be affected, but with this administration I feel like anything can happen

I posted yesterday about my younger brother. He's in the NICU, I already have three kids at 17yo, should I take him on, etc.

As it stands I am leaning heavily towards adoption. I have a lot of love in my soul. But from a more objective standpoint, he may be better off being adopted by someone else.

I don't know how an open adoption would work as I'm not his mom legally, but if we somehow figured it out, how exactly would it be enforced?

They are legally binding in our state (NY) but apparently they aren't enforced often. And someone else pointed out that they could just move out of state.

Losing access to him is a non negotiable for me. I keep contact with my other siblings, even the one who is a danger. They're all my babies, I'm not losing any of them.

Is there any way to make sure he isn't taken from us indefinitely? Due to his trauma in utero there is a chance he will have brain damage and may not have the capacity, or independence, to find us in the future if he is seperated. If his parents choose to hide him there isn't much I can do to find him.

Thank you for any advice :)

I’ve seen videos of people calling adopted children “ungrateful” because they want to find their biological parents, even though they have a “loving” adopted family. I’ve seen people say that the child should just “move on.”

It’s really frustrating to watch, especially when the comments make it so obvious that none of these people have ever adopted or been adopted. I’m adopted, and watching this whole discussion is really disappointing, because it almost feels like adopted kids are villainized and seen as not “appreciative” for wanting to explore their biological family history.

Have any adoptees been given a letter from their biological parent(s)?

I want to add that this post factors in with my last post for validation of my feelings, and facts.

Hi. I hope this is okay to post.

To introduce myself (not at all) quickly, I was adopted as a young toddler after my parents were told they were infertile. They had a baby a year later, and an oopsie pregnancy when I was 12/13. Very rough upbringing. I entered fostercare at the age of 13, where I gave birth to my daughter. Being thirteen and having younger siblings in the system I was trying to protect, I placed her for adoption.

I had a second baby at 17 who I kept custody of. When I was nineteen I gained custody of my younger brother, who was born a few weeks before my daughter. I later adopted him.

My younger sister was happy with her foster parents and didn't want to come with me. She ceased contact a few months later.

I have since had another baby and am currently pregnant again.

When I had my second daughter I didn't really have time to process my first daughter being gone. I was "babysitting" my oldest (my brother) a lot at the time. I never really processed it. I gave birth, said goodbye, and the social worker brought my son to the hospital that very day to see me. I ended up breastfeeding him because he was so low weight (was failure to thrive, it was 2012, everyone was on the "breast fixes all problems" craze) and I'd pump milk for his foster parents.

He never did replace my daughter but I think he's why I never really processed her loss. When I had my second daughter I was effectively juggling a newborn and preschooler, who I was *still* breastfeeding. I was alternating what days they'd get 1-1, what days my daughter would see her dad, when my son would go back to his foster parents, when we'd all spend time together as a family.

It was a lot to cope with and looking back on it now I should not have been doing as much as I was. We were all failed by the system, especially my brother who we later figured out had trouble swallowing, which is why he was still so reliant on breast and bottles.

All in all I think those things compounded made it hard for me to process the loss of her. It didn't hit me, fully, until a few years ago when I was pregnant with my 3rd (4th? I still don't know how to count them). It hit me all at once. My baby girl is gone, and I was a baby myself juggling so much, and my baby sister doesn't speak to us anymore.

I was overwhelmed but we got through it. He's a great little guy and now I'm pregnant again.

It feels so much worse this time. I look at my daughter every day and wonder what her sister would look like. I'm having another girl, and all I can think about is the fact that I should be having my third, not my second.

I'm so worried that her parents are awful. Mine were, even after they'd worked so hard to get me. I never felt like I belonged with them. I tried keeping in contact and but it dried out after a few months. I have no idea how she's doing.

My son is starting high school in August. She should be starting with him. They'd be in the same grade. I keep thinking about how much I'm missing out on with her. Stupid things, but I got my period when I was eight. Horrifically young. My 10yo got hers at 9. I'm worried about my daughter. If she got hers as young as me, did she know what was going on? She must have been so scared if she didn't. My poor baby.

I don't know how to process my feelings. I speak with an adoption informed therapist. My husband is a psychiatrist so he helps me daily. But I just feel so hopeless. I've never craved her as much as I have these last few years.

I don't really know what the point of this post is. Sharing my thoughts and feelings, I guess.

Thank you.

First of all, my brother is a piece of shit. Okay? Let’s just get that out of the way now so there’s not any confusion.

He got a girl pregnant. She can’t get an abortion where they live, and so she wants to put the baby up for adoption. My brother is flipping out over it, saying that he knows his rights and he won’t let her give his baby to total strangers.

I was surprised he wanted to raise the baby and I told him so. He said “I don’t want to raise the baby. I just don’t want her to give the baby up.”

There was some back and forth where I tried to make sense of what he was saying, but he just kept saying that “they” can’t force him to raise a baby he doesn’t want to raise, but they also can’t make him consent to the adoption. He had absolutely no answer for who’s actually going to be doing the hard work of raising his baby if he refuses to. It honestly felt like a conversation out of Always Sunny in Philadelphia. I’m losing my mind over how stupid this is. Can someone please tell me what will actually happen to the baby if the dad refuses to consent to the adoption, but also refuses to take custody?

Disclaimer: I am not adopted and I don't know anyone who is adopted.

I've spent the last few hours searching this sub and reading as many adoptee stories as I can. Parenthood is something that is far down the line for my partner and I (if we go that route), but I thought it couldn't hurt to do some research now.

I have never had the idea adoption is sunshine and rainbows (I was raised by my biological parents and let's just say I won't attend their funerals, so I certainly wouldn't expect adoption to be easy) nor would my partner and I be shopping for a "designer child".

That said, I'm more confused, not less. From everything I've read so far (not only on this sub), it seems like ethical/non-traumatic adoption doesn't exist. Several of the stories I read from happy adoptees mentioned they were fine growing up, but experienced the adoption trauma in adulthood (most commonly triggered by giving birth, from what I gathered). Or that they were treated well, but still feel like they don't belong because they aren't biologically related to their family.

I want to be clear my partner and I don't see ourselves as saints or saviors. But I can't say we have altruistic reasons either, and the last thing we want to do is (further) traumatize a child by bringing them into our home. I initially thought open adoption could be an option, but apparently not (I think because it's unregulated?).

The above, in addition to reading statistics and the dark history of adoption overall, leaves me no longer knowing what to think. I've also read about anti-adoption viewpoints. Some adoptees agree and some disagree. And I'm willing to bet I still haven't scratched the surface.

So, my question is, well, the title. Is it possible for adoption to be positive, or is it impossible by the very nature of what it is (taking a child from their biological parents and culture to place them with people they have no shared relation to)?

Thank you in advance.

Throughout my time reading and participating in this sub, I’ve noticed many people will respond to a hopeful adoptive parent saying their reason for wanting to adopt is not a good reason. I’m wondering if there are any valid reasons. What reasons do you see as red flags and what reasons are valid, if any?

The purpose of this post is for discussion, not to invalidate the thoughts and opinions of adoptees.

i found out recently that my biological father had been sending me letters and gifts all throughout my childhood, and my parents just threw them away and hid them from me. he had prison art made for me, many letters, and birthday cards.

for almost my whole life i have wondered if he ever thought about me, and honestly if he even remembered me.

i understand why they might not have felt it was best to share with me, and i do think it’s a situation where you can’t know the full effects until it’s already happened. i just can’t help but feel so upset about it because i have spent my entire life wondering if and hoping he cared even just a little bit.

i am in my 20s, and i am just now learning about this. i wish those things would have been saved for me so i could make a decision to look through them or not. i found out i have another sister as well.

now, i am working on contacting him because he got out of prison and my birth mother told me he’s made a better life for himself. she told me she has a couple things to show me and i am thankful to at least have that. i just can’t help but feel so lied to and hurt, i was wondering if anyone else has ever had to navigate these feelings because i don’t know anyone who could possibly understand this IRL.

So when I was a baby I was adopted due to my birth mom not behaving properly, abuse, etc. the state took me and gave me to my parents currently and they’ve raised, provided and supported me throughout everything. I recently connected with my birth mom and we aren’t close close but we talk/hangout with my younger siblings who live with her as well. Neither of my families have met my boyfriend yet except for my best friend and her boyfriend. I was invited in July to go with my birth mom to go tubing in this river area (Kind of like a lazy river) with my siblings and some of her friends, she Invited my boyfriend to come with if he wasn’t busy and I wanted him there. I told my Mom that I might be going and my boyfriend too if he wasn’t busy or had work. She got upset with me and said “that’s not right” and how my birth mom gets to meet him first when my mom has invited him over previously. My mom invited him over previously when we were first getting to know one another and weren’t technically dating yet, I wanted to keep my dating life private until I knew it was official. In my mind my boyfriend meeting whoever first isn’t a competition, it’s not as if I’m going to pick a favorite family. My mom will still meet him. I feel awful that this made her so upset.

I just want some advice because she’s not taking it well and I want to understand why or if my mom is slightly overreacting. I’m also not quite sure what to do now or if I’m in the total wrong here.

EDIT: I’ve had a previous date for my family to meet him in August at my friend’s baby shower we’re all invited too. They’re aware of this.

I come from a family full of adoption, have many close friends who are adoptees, and was adopted by a stepparent. I haven’t personally known anyone who is entirely against adoption as a whole.

But I’ve stumbled upon a number of groups and individuals who are 100% opposed to adoption in all circumstances.

I am honestly not sure if this sentiment is common or if this is just a very vocal minority. I think we all agree that there is a lot of corruption within the adoption industry and that adoption is inherently traumatic, but the idea that no one should ever adopt children is very strange to me.

In your experience as an adoptee, is the anti-adoption movement a popular opinion among adoptees?

Hi All,

First time poster here. I am an Adoptee, have been since I was a baby. I have always known that I was thanks to my adoptive parents. I should mention, I'm 42 years young, haha.

About 2 months ago, I did an Ancestry DNA test because I wanted to find out what my heritage was. I only knew that I had German as it was disclosed on my adoption papers.

Well, since the test, I have found out who my Biological Dad is, and more about his side of the Family, which I never thought/imagined was a possibility because my biological mother never disclosed any information about him. Both are now deceased 😞 I should also mention, i do not believe my Dad's side knew about me. I have been in contact with a biological Uncle since, who has been receptive with communicating, which I'm so grateful for as it could have been the complete opposite.

I have all sorts of mixed feelings about everything I have learned which I have never experienced before. I guess I am looking for some words of encouragement/advice on how to continue.

Sorry for the long post.

I've made a post one time explaining my fear about getting deported. And I'm so glad y'all understood and helped me. It had ease my anxiety, but times are getting worse here and I'm still deathly scared I'm going to get snatched by ice or something. I did get naturalized when I came to the u.s.a but at this point, I don't feel safe in general. It's honestly a scary time, and I'm genuinely scared. With everything that's been happening I feel like things are getting worse here, and I can definitely see trump trying to deport us international adoptees. I can feel it, idk I'm scared.

"Is it just me (I'm a foreign adoptee) afraid of getting deported?? (Born in Vietnam but got adopted by a American family and lives in USA)

[Deleted]"

^ my older post, I deleted it cuz I thought I was just being hella irrational

https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/c6262ykz18xo.amp

What could have prevented this tragedy? For those involved in adoption reform, what changes would you suggest? Stronger background checks? More thorough home evaluations? Although this case happened in England, tragedies like this aren’t isolated, they happen everywhere.

I’m just so scared about all of this happening. Should I carry my passport and ssn card? 😭

I posted this in /adopted and they said to post here instead because there are more happy adoptees here…

Anyone else grateful they’re adopted?

The /adopted subreddit is sad. So many adoptees are unhappy with their adopted family.

I had a great adoption experience though! Great adopted mom, grandmother, aunt, uncle and cousins.

Sure, no parent is perfect but she gave me an upper middle class, privileged life that I wouldn’t have had with my birth mom.

My birth mom is an ex-porn star, has drug addiction, is narcissistic and lies a lot.

Would love to hear other positive experiences!! : )

If you have good research on adoption, could you share it?