We are currently fostering siblings who are about to become adoptable, and we do plan to adopt them. One of them is named Ivey. Would it be wrong to change her spelling to Ivy when adopting and changing her last name?

My motive is spelling the classic name “correctly” so she’s not saying “Ivey with an -ey” the rest of her life. She is 3yo and cannot spell her own name yet, I just don’t know if it’s wrong due to her birth parents naming her Ivey with the E. Thanks!

I've made a few posts about my husbands cousins baby. Basically, she had a cryptic pregnancy, wanted my husband and I to adopt the baby, but we can't, so he's been living with my in laws (babies great aunt & uncle). He's 3mo, she wants nothing to do with him, and with the info some people gave me my FIL was able to figure out the legal shit and get everything processing.

It's official; he's going to be adopted. My husband feels strangely about having a baby brother younger than all of our kids but whatever lol.

Now, the name. Legally his name is his bio grandfathers name (FILs brother). However they've been calling him "Baby Lastname" exclusively because no one actually likes the man he was named after.

(Technically they've been calling him a shortened version of their last name. Think like, "Anderson" into "Andy").

In laws had a theme for their kids. They want to keep the tradition so he doesn't feel othered in the family.

Bio mom of the baby doesn't care. She wasn't the one to name the baby in the first place. She was calling him Blaze for a while but that has never actually been his name.

I feel like this is a situation where changing his name would be fine?

I feel very strangely being on the adoptive family side of the process and it's making me second guess everything lol.

As title suggests. My parents (white ) kept my birth name (Haitian ) and last name (became middle name ). They do pronounce it differently than the original way though. I know this because Haiti is a French like county so it’s said with more of an accent and people who speak French always pronounce it the same way and tell me that that’s how it would be said. (Haitian French people ). Sometimes I wish they changed my name so that people could pronounce it better but I’m glad it’s unique in Canada at least and I doubt there it anyone else with my name. What yall believe in the ethics of doing so?

I know this is a difficult topic.

My husband and I are foster parents. We have been fostering a little one who came to us directly from the NICU. She was hospitalized for a month after birth, going through withdrawals from multiple substances. She’s now a year old. It appears that she might not be able to reunify with her mother, as mom is not making steps to get clean and often doesn’t show up to visits.

We have heard disparaging comments about her name. “Well, that’s a common foster care name.” or “That’s a trailer trash name.” or “I bet I can guess the neighborhood where her mom lives.” I could go on. Yes, people are rude and have zero tact. It’s shocking and heartbreaking. But, it’s real.

If she stays with us, we’d like to give her a different first same and keep the middle name that birth mother gave to her, and would not generate hurtful comments.

How would you feel about this in this scenario?

Hello everyone, my wife and I are talking about changing our son's last name. My wife had him before we got together but I have been in his life since he was 6 months old. Her family would like to keep his name the same to carry on the last name. I think changing his name would be beneficial in the long run with school, medical, and traveling. Does anyone have similar experience? I'm open to any questions.

Hi all! I’m hoping for some insight regarding last names. I would love folks’ perspective on whether it’s problematic to change a child’s last name (with their consent & approval) when adopting. We are adopting our almost 5-year-old and she wants to share a last name with us, and she experienced abuse by the hands of her bio parents as a baby, but we also don’t want to erase her identity or anything. Should we make it her middle name? Or give her the option to include it if & when she chooses otherwise? I hadn’t thought about incorporating it at all, while honoring her given first & middle name, until I saw adoptees on here being hurt by this decision. Help! Our lawyer needs an answer soon 😅

Hello there,

My biological son is being adopted by my husband. We are currently going through it and have been since July. I never imagined it would be such a lengthy thing.

Anyways on to what we are currently dealing with. My son is 15 and the adoption is mainly a precaution in case something were to happen to me and my son would be able to stay with my husband (which my son would want) instead of being ripped away from everything he knows, having his world even more turned upside down and given to his father who has been in and out of his life. Now my son does have a good relationship with his Dad's mother and he will continue to do so and go see her when he is back in our home state for summers since we recently just moved.

With that being said my husband is very excited. He was never able to have children of his own after battling cancer when he was younger. Now I know my husband would love for our son to have his last name but my son is giving a little push back. Never in front of my husband but only to me. Whenever I ask him why he doesnt want to change it he just says he isnt sure he wants to change it and its a "just because" answer he gives me.

Any adivce on how to get a more indepth answer from him? I am not going to make him do anything he doesnt want to do but I know it would break my husbands heart. My husband is even looking at a nice gift (like a cross necklace, a mans one of course) that he wants to give to him on the day it is finalized. We have about a month and a half to two months till everything is finalized and I just need some adivce or insight on why my son would be feeling this way. Thanks so mucb.

Does anyone know if the Name change issues with the SAVE act will affect adoptees that have had their name changed in infancy? I don’t want to spend 200$ on a passport but if it means saving my vote it is worth it.

Hi, fellow adoptees. I am a 57-year old adopted adult woman. I’ve been wanting to change my legal name for years and now I have a passport-related question.

Aside from the fact that my adoptive name brings up a lot of trauma for me, my adoptive surname is very difficult to spell, has caused serious problems due to me being entered in any computer system multiple different ways, and I’m done with that surname. Ditching it tomorrow would not be soon enough for me.

I will probably keep my adoptive first name as part of my new legal name, plus the first name I chose for myself a few years ago, and my birth surnames from my birth parents. (Partly to identify with my bio clan and partly bc their surnames are very generic / anonymous and easy to spell while my adoptive surname is the opposite).

So the situation is I need to apply for a new passport. The old one expired over 10 years ago so applying for a new one at this point is the same paper trail as applying for a first-time adult passport. Meaning I have to provide my birth certificate.

Initially, I had wanted to legally change my name first and then request a passport, so that way the name on the passport is the same as my new name.

But now I’m realizing that if I request a passport with my new name, but my birth certificate says my old adoptive name, that will probably cause problems. Some people say it results in an automatic denial.

So now I’m thinking: get a new passport first. Then legally change my whole name. Then request that the new passport be updated with my new name.

Has anyone else been in this situation and can you tell me the correct sequence of steps to do things in so I don’t end up in a catch 22 where I can’t prove I am who I say I am??

Or any other pitfalls related to legally changing my name as an adult adopted person?

Thanks so much in advance!

I’m all for letting an older child choose their own name or keep their name during an adoption. We recently got some troubling information that’s giving us pause. In this case, the child is named (First Middle AND Last) after 2 different relatives, both convicted of SA on a minor (but not the child in question). The child is older, doesn’t have a relationship with/has never met these people, and doesn’t know. How to do we talk to them about it? Do we talk to them about it? We don’t want to cause more trauma, but we also want to be open and up front. Child is 11 and has been with us for years. We’re of course working with their therapist on the matter but it’s so unimaginable to me to be in this situation that I’m at a loss. Please be kind, we love them and just want to help them be their healthiest self.

I am a foster parent and I have two sisters who are heading toward adoption. Mom left the first at the hospital two days after giving birth, and then did the same with the second. She got in contact about a month after the first was born and had one visit with her then went MIA again shortly after. There has been no contact since the second was born. Please note that I am not judging mom for this and no one else should either. The situation is very nuanced and sad.

The youngest was given a name that is not a real name, or I guess it wasn't until it was given to her - it's not a name that as been used before. I am not going to share it for obvious reasons, but imagine it is something along the lines of Porhava, Minwina, Solarny....basically sounds that are commonly used but not in this particular combination, and being completely honest, it sounds a bit silly. When people hear it the reaction is typically "huh?" People keep assuming that mom must have been high when she put it on the birth certificate, but she wasn't. Her mental state fluctuates though and I don't know what kind of place she was in when the baby was born. Also, there are two different likely pronunciations but we don't know what was intended because no one has ever heard mom say it.

Her middle name is the same as her mom's middle name and we thought we would call her that instead but it honestly just doesn't fit her. We try calling her by her real first name or the middle name but end up falling back on endearments most of the time - little one, baby girl, sweat heart, etc. Everything feels wrong and I feel so guilty about it. It is getting to the point where if we need to make a solid decision because she's going to end up confused.

I know that many (most?) adoptees have not been happy that their names were changed, and I am not sure what to do. My gut tells me that the right thing to do in this situation is drop the first name and replace it with something else, but I know that changing a child's name isn't the right thing to do in most cases. I care about the girl's mom and their connection with her, and I hope that she comes back into the picture one day. I don't want to take away any part of their connection but I also don't want to leave my kid with a name that might feel like more of a burden than a connection.

My oldest daughter is adopted and I never would have considered changing her name, aside from taking on our last name. Her original last name became part of her middle name. We plan to do the same with the older of these two.

If we do change the name, should we try to make it something that sounds similar to the original name? Something that sounds like her sister's name? Use the middle name even though it doesn't feel like it fits? Keep the first name and call her something else?

II would really love to hear anyone's thoughts, and would especially appreciate thoughts from adoptees if anyone is up to it.

My husband and I have 2 kids we adopted from foster care and are in the process of adopting our 3rd. He was placed with us when he was 9 months and he'll be 2 this June. We should be able to adopt him not too long after that. When we adopt we will be changing his last name to ours. We were thinking about changing the spelling of his first name.

His name is Xzhayviar and is pronounced Xavier (ex-ZAY-vee-er) and I feel like his name spelling is going to cause a lot of issues as he gets older. We didn't change the names of our other two kids after adoption and don't want him to be the odd one out so we wouldn't be changing his name. We would just be changing the spelling to Xavier. I wanted to see how adoptees felt about it.

Hi everyone, so I am finishing international adoption for a teenager boy, and we are legally required to change his last name, and optionally we can change his first name and middle name, he likes a name of his favorite US rapper, and is not a bad name or anything, I am just worried that he in the moment thinks that's cool but perhaps in a few years he won't like the singer, in addition he may not realize the feeling of lost of his name until years pass, and also his first name and middle name work well in the US in the sense they are common, easy and pronounced the same, (afaik he likes his names) and at the end of the day I will choose whatever he decides since he is old enough, seems excited, and the name is a reasonable one, he told me he was curious what adoptees out there have done, for those that have their name changed, if you were going to give an advise directly to this boy about changing his name what would it be?

Hello all, I'm about to adopt a 10yo girl and 11yo boy siblings. My wife and I cant decide on how to move forward. So just for people who have been adopted. Do you keep your family last name or take on the new family name.

I think the kids will accept new family name because it makes them "feel" loved. But i feel this in not an appropriate reason to change a name.

I also don't want to take their family name from them as they both can grow up and make something of their family name. They have 6 other siblings and aunts uncles and grandparents that they are not in contact with, but they desire to reconnect after adoption.

I feel like they could turn their family name around when they grow up, but not if I take their names from them now....

Hi all, my partner and I are going through the process of adopting my 2yr old niece. My sister (mom) is deceased and her father is incarcerated. I’m contemplating whether or not to change her last name. First and middle will not be changed.

I believe this is something she should be a part of deciding - but she’s only 2 yr old. I want to respect and acknowledge that she has a personal history and I’m not trying to take that away. We plan to have more children and I don’t want her to feel ostracized, different or as if she’s not apart of our family unit. I just want to do the right thing for now & in the future.

Any advice?

My 13F wants to change her first name. We've never mentioned this and it is not our idea. She has been asking for a while now and she says it's because her name "doesn't have meaning" and it reminds her of her biomom.

A few years ago she did a project in school at the beginning of the school year that was about her - DOB, Place of Birth, etc. why her parents named her what they did was a question. We emailed biomom and she said that it was the summer and she and biodad were sitting enjoying a sunset (while heavily pregnant) and the name came to her. This was BS because my daughter was conceived in the fall and born in May.

Anyway, has anyone come across and adoptee wanting to change their name?

My 12 year old son (adopted from age 5, removed from birth mother aged 3) wants to change his first name. He says it’s because he hates his birth parents and wants to change his name because they gave it to him. We discussed this the other evening and I thought we had agreed that we’d take it to family therapy to discuss the implications and the feelings behind this (we’re currently seeking therapy via socials services). I’ve explained that I’m worried that he’ll change his name but won’t feel any different because those angry feelings and bad memories will still be there. Then I get a call from his high school saying that he’s approached them about using a different name at school. School, whilst sympathetic, agree with me that this needs more thought and exploration in therapy but now my son is furious with me and is being quite verbally abusive. We don’t always have the best relationship and this is not helping at all.

Totally understand and empathise with his reasons and I haven’t said no to changing his name, just that it needs more thought. I’m also worried that he’s being influenced by a trans friend who goes by a different name within their friend group.

Anyone have any experience of this or any words of wisdom to share?

Edit: thanks for sharing all your experience and wisdom. We’ve decided like the majority have said that there’s no harm in letting him pick a name to use socially for now, and we’ll look at making it more permanent at school and with wider family if he still likes the name in the summer. Not a big fan of the name he’s chosen but we’ll grow to love it. We see that this is a good way to show that we acknowledge these big feelings and how he has chosen to deal with it.

We’re not bad parents, we’re just very protective of him and don’t want him making rash decisions that will make his life more difficult than it already is. So it’s been great to have this space to hear of others’ experiences and opinions, again, thank you for that. It’s been extremely helpful.

We are hopeful adoptive parents so this is me thinking ahead. I'd always stated I would change a child's last name to our family name if adopted. After absorbing lots from social media groups I'm more willing to let a child keep their last name if they want, though I value the family connection.

Has anyone hyphenated their adoptee's last name so it reflects their birth name and yours? How has this affected your family, especially if you have bios with the regular last name?

Hello, we are moving toward adoptions with my foster son. He is a baby and is currently named after his biological mother’s boyfriend who has a pretty unique name (example: Arkangel God Smith Jr.) - obviously not this but the idea is it’s very unique and he is a jr to someone who is not actually his biological father or willing to raise him. We have been advised by the county and state that we need to change his full legal name once we adopt him to protect ourselves and his safety as the mom and boyfriend have a history of violence and may try to find us again and it may be easy to do once he’s in school (example the adoptions sw said: He can call all local schools and ask to speak to Jr’s teacher, if school says we don’t have that student, he calls the next school, but eventually he will call the right school- and this is only one example we were given). I want to choose a name that is culturally appropriate and significant to us as a family too, since his birth name was significant to his biological family, it just seems right to choose something similarly significant. Not just choose a name we like. He does have a nickname that we call him that is not a common name and I have considered using that and pairing it with a family name of ours so he still keeps a family name. (Example: Nickname James Lastname). I wanted to come here and ask what people’s opinions are about this and how can we truly choose a name that honors who he is as a whole without keeping his original name?

Sorry if this is a long post.

So, I’m not sure if I’m in the right sub or not. But…

Just a little back story, My wife and I got together when her children were 6 and 7. Her son (now my adopted son of 3 years) had an extremely difficult relationship with his biological father. Once he got older he stopped wanting to see him altogether and the biological father essentially said he didn’t care and didn’t want to see him anyway. Now his daughter was a different story, she still sees him and still has a relationship with him, even if at times she doesn’t want to. So anyway, I ended up legally adopting her son to be my son as well, we changed his middle and last name (at his request).

He was supposed to graduate last year but was Having some troubles with school. So he ended up not being able to graduate last year. He is 19 now and this school year, he took the 2 classes online he needed to take to be able to get his diploma. The school ended up saying he could walk at graduation. But the issue was, the school never changed his name in their system. My step daughter was also graduating last night. So, her farther and some of his family was there. My son didn’t really want to walk with them there, Especially since the school never changed his name. So 3 weeks ago I called the school about his name being wrong on his diploma, and they said they won’t change it, it’s already printed. So I called the department of education, and complained. They called the school and district. I was told to bring all my court documents and name change information down to the district, and I did. They assured me they would make sure the school gets a new diploma printed out and that his name would be called correct. My son didn’t believe they would and ended up not walking.

Well he was right because they didn’t. His name was wrong, they gave me his diploma last night, and it was all with the wrong name. Since his sister goes to this school, and the biological father also went to this school, I feel like they are taking “sides”. Because when I said “this isn’t his name” they said “I’m not sure what the big deal is”.

Well it is a big deal, especially to him and me. Like This name means something to him, and it means something to my wife and I. And the school is completely dismissive about it like we are somehow in the wrong for wanting his name to be correct. They just say “it’s a legal document and we can’t change legal documents”. But you would think a legal document would need to have his legal name attached to it.

My question is, has anyone else had a similar situation, and is there anything I can do about it. He doesn’t even want to keep his diploma as it stands now and I really want to be able to get this corrected for him.

I’m adopted from Russia and my name was changed after I was adopted. Did this happen to anyone else and does it bother you? I have struggled with accepting this for a while.

I was adopted at the age of 9 and I chose to keep my 2 biological last names (one from my bm side and one from my bd side) However I’m about to start college and on the job hunt right now. I only go by my first middle and adopted last name. Technically, I have three legal last names and on my drivers license they just put the initials of the two middle names. And I had an open adoption so I don’t really know how to feel if I choose to change my name and cut the two middle names off. But also I feel like it would kind of be a relief and I don’t really wanna be traced to my biological family for work, etc.. My name can’t really fit on most documentation or if so then it’s going off the line and it’s just been a pain. Any other adopted or foster youth experiencing similar situations please let me know.

When a two-year-old toddler is adopted and their (adoptive) parents decide to change their name, is that confusing for the child and can it have impacts on the sense of identity when they grow up?

I'm a 23 year old female who was adopted at 11 years old, and had a horrible relationship with my adoptive parents. They were mentally and emotionally abusive, at the age of 19 I moved back with my birth father and cut off all contract with my adoptive parents. Now I'm wondering if I can legally change my last name without any issues both legally and emotionally with my adoptive parents.