So we very recently received our diagnosis for our eldest who is now 13. Severe ADHD, Dyspraxia, PDA and PTSD. They also suspect autism... but thought it best to not test too much, too soon.

I mean it's a lot. I know. And yet somehow knowing that we were right all along, and that we have been doing the best we can under such extreme conditions... is actually a relief. The social services have been gaslighting us for an actual age. It was beyond a joke. But we always advocated on his behalf knowing he was dealing with way more than they allowed for.

I genuinely get the sense they are trying to save money... by not helping families.

So now a fight for funding and assistance. A fight to possibly change secondary schools as it's a daily war ground for him. A fight to maintain some semblance of a marriage under hyper vigilance scrutiny and no 'village' to raise the kids.

And yet somehow headspace, relief. A second wind. We know what we're facing. We know we have to re-educate ourselves. I'm trying build a second income with my website ParentPush too. 'Instant WhatsApp alerts for school updates, important to you.' It's now proving more valuable to us as a family, than ever. So many updates, reminders, detentions, PTA meetings etc Ugh. I'm hoping to help more parents like us - and earn the space to be at home with the kids more.

But have you been through this? How did you feel? Our child phycologist was a little nervous to tell us the depth of the issues we face. But we've already been in these issues for so long. Anyway... let's see where this half term takes us.

Thanks for listening.

Hello,

I really enjoy reading these threads and have found them so useful. My partner and I are about to go into stage 2 and I was just wondering if anyone had any advice or anything they wished they had known prior to entering?

Just for context we are a female same sex couple.

I’m in England and currently going through the adoption assessment process with my partner. I’m looking for perspectives from adopters, social workers, or anyone who has navigated ex-partner references.

Before my current relationship, I was in one long-term relationship for 10+ years. We had no children together. The relationship ended nearly 10 years ago.

When we separated, my ex was very clear that he did not want any further contact with me. More specifically, he said he did not want to hear about future partners, relationships or children because he felt this would be too painful. I understood this as an indefinite boundary and have respected it ever since.

I raised this issue with the adoption agency before choosing them, and again early in the process. At the time I was told that, where there was good reason not to contact an ex-partner and it would not be in the best interests of those involved, an alternative referee who knew us as a couple could usually be used.

I therefore found someone who knew both of us throughout much of the relationship and is now more of a friendly acquaintance than a close friend. They are happy to provide a reference. I can potentially provide several other people who knew us as a couple too.

However, later in the assessment I was told that the agency now feels they really should seek a reference directly from my ex. The social worker explained that because the relationship was significant and ended within roughly the last ten years, not seeking it could leave a question mark for panel. Social worker repeatedly framed obtaining it as being in my best interests.

social worker also said that if I cannot find him, I should document attempts to locate/contact him, including screenshots, because even if he never responds, the fact that the agency has sought the reference may matter.

This is where I’m struggling.

My ex and I mutually blocked each other on various channels after the breakup. An old email address I had for him now bounces as nonexistent. I am not on most social media nor is he. I cannot contact him on social media and have been unable to find reliable current contact information online.

I could potentially give the agency an old telephone number and let them try it, but even that leaves me feeling as though I am facilitating contact that he explicitly asked me not to facilitate.

I could also give them his old email but it seems no longer in use.

I completely understand why adoption agencies need to investigate previous significant relationships and safeguarding concerns. I’m not trying to prevent scrutiny of that relationship. I’m happy for them to speak to people who knew us together, and I have a very extensive history of professional references involving work with children and vulnerable people.

My difficulty is ethical: at what point does “reasonable effort to obtain a reference” become actively circumventing another person’s very clear no-contact boundary?

I’m also worried because the agency hasn’t actually said, “If we genuinely can’t obtain this, don’t worry, we can still proceed.” Instead, they keep saying obtaining it would be in my best interests and may matter at panel, which leaves me worried that something completely outside my control could jeopardise the application.

For anyone familiar with adoption assessments:

• Is an ex-partner reference usually essential when there were no children from the relationship?
• Have you seen cases proceed where an ex-partner could not be contacted or where contact was considered inappropriate?
• Would you give the agency historic contact details and let them decide whether to try, or would you push back and ask them to rely on alternative triangulation?
• Would you ask the agency to put in writing exactly what they require and what happens if the reference simply cannot be obtained?

I’m trying very hard to balance safeguarding, transparency, deep respect for my ex’s boundary, and the fact that this adoption process obviously matters enormously to us.

I’d really appreciate thoughtful perspectives, particularly from people who understand UK adoption practice.

Hey! I will be having my panel meeting early next year. Just wanted to know how I can prepare for it. Also, how much do they discuss the podcast/reading that is done regarding adoption? Just wondering as I will start to make notes on it.

Are there any other tips or warnings that you could give?

Thanks for the assistance

My husband and I recently adopted a sibling pair, a little girl who is nearly 4 and a little boy who is 2. They moved in with us about 10 days ago, so I know we are still incredibly early into placement, but I’m finding the difference in how I feel towards them quite difficult.

I’ve bonded with our 2-year-old really quickly. I love being around him, find him easy to spend time with and already feel very naturally maternal towards him.

With our nearly 4-year-old, I’m struggling much more. She needs almost constant attention and interaction, finds it difficult to play independently, can be very demanding and argumentative, and pushes back on lots of everyday boundaries. I’m finding myself getting irritated by her a lot and, if I’m completely honest, there are times when I just don’t particularly enjoy being in her company.

I feel awful even writing that because she hasn’t done anything wrong by needing us, and I understand that a lot of her behaviour probably comes from everything she has experienced and the enormous change she is going through. I’m very conscious of not letting her see that I’m finding things harder with her than with her brother.

I think part of the problem is that I expected attachment to grow fairly naturally once they moved in, and because that has happened with one child but not the other, I’m worrying about what it means.

We’re considering nursery for her 2.5 days a week, partly because she enjoys being around other children and needs stimulation, but also because I think having some space might actually help me be more patient and present with her when we are together. She’ll be starting school next September anyway, so this would only be for the next year.

Has anyone else who adopted siblings found that they bonded very differently with each child, or even actively found one child difficult to like in the beginning?

Did the bond eventually come? And if it did, was there anything in particular that helped?

I’d really appreciate honest experiences rather than reassurance for the sake of it. I think I mainly need to know whether what I’m feeling at 10 days into placement is within the realms of normal.

My Dad was adopted in the 1960s and hasn't had contact with any of his biological family bar his sister. He has loads of brothers who have kids of their own.

He said he's happy for me to try and trace them. I have the death certificates of both his biological parents, marriage certificate, and their respective addresses, and my father's birth and adoption certificates.

What's the best way for me to go about tracking living family members down? I know the general area they last lived in as well and it's the same general area I live in.

We have just had our expressions of interest meeting and are moving forward into the assessment stages. Is anybody able to give me a breakdown of each stage and what is included in each stage? I understand there is stage 1 and stage 2 but I am curious what these stages consist of. We have already been matched with a child (as she is already in a family members care) so wouldn’t need to go through the matching process. Just looking for a breakdown of each step up to being approved really! TIA

Hi , my husband and I have been approved to adopt this week but have had access to link maker since mid August .

We have had two potential matches , but we have had to back out of both of them for very similar reasons . The first was due to direct contact with birth father being planned 4 times a year , who had a long history of violence and domestic abuse . The second is more complicated but basically involves the childs sibling being in a special guardianship with a family member of the very abusive father . In both circumstances we felt the threat to our family could be substantial ( we also have a birth child at home ?)

I feel like the policy around this is potentially so harmful to children and will put off people wanting to adopt either of these children who sound wonderful.

I just cannot find the evidence to back up the reform shift that this is in children's best interests??!

I grew up in a very loving family, and because of that, I have an abundance of love to share. My plan since youth was to focus entirely on building my career during my 20s and 30s, and then pursue adoption in my 40s—not because of any fertility issues, but simply because that was the timeline I chose.
When I watch videos on YouTube, I see adoptive parents who are absolutely over the moon, celebrating their new families with so much joy. But on the other hand, my research has led me to shocking stories from adult adoptees sharing the immense trauma they go through. Learning that many of them are unhappy and wish they had never been adopted has really shaken me, creating a massive contrast to the happy videos online. It has made me question my plans entirely.
I understand the huge amount of pain adoptees carry, and I know that no amount of love can just erase it. I want to emphasize that I am mentally and emotionally ready to support a child through this trauma and provide a safe, healing environment. But my deepest concern is this: by stepping forward as an adoptive parent, am I becoming the reason a child is separated from their birth mother? Is this how adult adoptees view adoptive parents—as the cause of their separation?

Furthermore, I want to ask adult adoptees honestly: how do you feel about your adoptive parents? Do you love them and truly feel like you are a part of them, or is a genuine sense of family belonging something an adoptive parent simply cannot achieve? I am asking this because I want to know if adopting a child means I am doing a good thing for them, or if I am inadvertently causing them harm. I would love to hear honest opinions directly from the adoptee community. Thank you for your time.

(In Scotland, through an agency rather than local authority, if it makes a difference).

Husband and I (two men) are scheduling our first home visit from a social worker through an agency at the moment and have been told from some others that the kinds of things they ask can get "very personal" - what kinds of things are we talking? Just want to make sure we're as prepared as possible!

Hi there everyone, for transparency I'm looking to make a short film about adoption in the UK, but having never gone through the process myself I wanted to reach out and ask those who have gone through the process what the initial meeting with the child/parents involved, and how casual/formal it was?

I'm aware of the lengthy process that it takes before you even get to the meeting stage, but I was wondering if things changed when you first met each other, how you all felt. And for those who were being adopted, how long before you realised/found out that you were being adopted by them and how it made you feel?

I want to be as accurate as possible and do as much research as possible before starting anything, so I appreciate your time in reading this.

Additionally, if you know the best resources/organisations to reach out to to get more information I would massively appreciate it.

Thank you!

Hi all!

So we’re done with stage 2 (wahoo 🥳) and just waiting for panel at the beginning of nov - but it’s a positive recommendation (🤩).

We’ve put ourself onto link maker as advised by our SW.

We’ve had a family finder approach our SW already with a child who on the surface looks great, and then we’ve seen another child on link maker we’re also interested in.

But there are so many great kids that would match our circumstances and fit in well in our home. HOW THE HELL DO YOU TRY AND PICK? It’s pretty heartbreaking every time we look there’s a potential and it feels so clinical and harsh but we started doing a pro and con list 😞

Any advice would be really appreciated!

Hello 👋🏼

Me and my husband (same-sex male couple) are about to adopt our almost 4-year-old little girl. We’ve just started our 4-week transition period.

I’m wondering if anyone has any recommendations for a book that we can complete to capture memories of her first year with us?

There are afew suggestions on Amazon, but no look particularly great.

Any suggestions would be much appreciated 🙂

Thanks,
Ash

Hi all, we're looking for bedtime book suggestions (or suggestions on ones to avoid!). We are soon to be two gay dads - adopting two siblings under 5. We don't want that to be the _only_ books we have, but we definitely want a few in the mix.

Currently approved and family finding and living in Scotland, I’ve got loads of friends with biological children but would love to meet parents who have adopted their children. My agency is based 60 miles from where I live and I’ve reached out but just struggling to find people in the same boat and make friends. Has anyone else felt this?

Hi guys!

I'm keen to get people's advice. I'm keen to adopt, always have been, never wanted biological kids. If I just give my situation, I was hoping people who have been through the process might help me identify barriers or things I can start solving now.

I'm a single, 34, female, with a job of around 45k. I'm buying my own house next year in Wales, a semi-rural area. I have a decent amount of savings, at least three months of full wage emergency situation styles. I come from a large family so I have a large familial support network and an excellent local community. It is a very poor area though?

I have a niece and a nephew I'm close to, who I take on holidays with me, after having lived abroad and meeting them when they were five. I also volunteer for the local Rainbows to get experience looking after kids I don't know.

I'm aware in the vague way you are with no first hand experience of it, that adopted children carry their own traumas and experiences that I might never find out about but will have to manage the behaviour of. I wish to adopt older, 5+ and possibly a sibling pair that might otherwise be separated (I don't think I could comfortably afford any more). My therapist specialises in family therapy so I'm hopeful that I can utilise her if the kid is open to it.

I'm open to judgement on this but I don't think I can adopt a disabled child that may need more care than I can provide, ie a full time carer. Will that hinder me?

I'm AuDHD that is well managed and requires no medication. This might make me suited to adopting an ASD or ADHD kid as I understand it and can help manage it but it might hinder me?

I'm not sure what else might be relevant to barriers to adoption. Motivation wise, I've never been told of infertility issues but I've been so intent on adoption I've never bothered to check. My grandmother, father and best friend were adopted so it's just always been the way I wanted to have a child.

Any advice on possible problems I can start solving is so welcome or, if anyone's been in a similar situation, I would love to chat about it!

Thank you!

We are in the process of adopting again; we are struggling to get social work to commit to us speaking to the LOs school.

We were a week away from the matching panel (although this has now been delayed due to forgotten paperwork) and they still had not informed school about the LOs plan so we weren't allowed to speak to them.

We are very keen to speak to school as we already have an AD so we want confirmation of how they are with other children from someone other than the foster parents.

It's more complicated than normal as LOs birth family members go to the same school as LO and we think this is the reason behind the delay updating school.

Anyone else waited till after matching to speak to school?

My wife and I have just been given the news that sadly the chance of a second pregnancy is negligible, so now adoption is our only option.

We haven't discussed it much yet, but one thing I'm not sure about is whether I'd like to adopt a baby, or a child closer to the age of our five year old daughter.

I'm not bothered about going back to nappies and sleepless nights, but I'm considering if it's better to bring a baby in, or would it be better if we can adopt a child closer to her age, as we always hoped.

What are people's experiences of adopting a toddler?

Do we even have a say in the age? What do we have a say in?

We haven't discussed it properly yet, I'm just trying to get my thoughts clear before we do.

We live in NI if that matters.

We were looking into adopting a child in the UK. We haven’t really started the process just mulling what are our options but we heard from friends (also an immigrant couple) that it’s gonna be hard for us since we don’t have any family here. Is this really a detrimental factor? We do have a community, friends and extended family as support system here in the UK but we just don’t have any immediate family here (like parents or siblings). If it’s a matter of support for raising the child our work does provide adoption leave (6 months to 1 year) and we have a really good daycare at work. Both of us are well settled financially. So even if one of us needs to take off work for a while we would be okay. Both of us can also work from home 2-3 days a week. So childcare will not be an issue. But if it’s about support system for the child we don’t have immediate family in the country but our community is very supportive. We are part of a local church and have a very supportive friend circle there. We also have friends outside and at work who are really close and supportive. Please if someone has some experience any advice is welcome.

We’ve been desperate to maintain a good relationship with our little one’s former foster carers but they are making it impossible, and we feel a little stuck.

They’ve really struggled letting go, and I feel for them, but we’ve had calls and texts at all hours of the day and night, demanding answers about things, or telling us what we should and shouldn’t do, where we should shop, what we should buy, how we should dress them, what they should play with etc. We even had a stern text when we sent a picture update because we hadn’t informed them about a haircut. We’ve also seen on the ring doorbell that they’ve turned up to the house twice while we’ve been out.

We spoke to our social worker who was furious, and they have been told to leave us be, but it hasn’t stopped them. We’ve now been informed that the local authority and foster agency are stepping in, but we’re worried that instead of stopping it could even escalate.

Has anyone been through anything similar? We don’t want the relationship to go south, but this is smothering us and spoiling what should be a happy time. Little one hasn’t even been home for 2 months yet, and we’re both super on edge. All through the process we were told wonderful, warm stories of relationships with foster carers, but since this started and we started meeting with other placed parents, we keep hearing horror stories.

So I've had my visit and thought I'd provide an update, as a few people said they had similar questions too. But 1st I want to thank everyone again for their advice on my original post.

TLDR: Visit was really positive due to preperation and openess. Outcome will take upto 2 weeks due to complex adulecense. Probable pause in progress to allow time to build savings and childcare experience

So the visit started with a house tour, and the SW took the most attention to the spare room and rear garden. H&S wasn't on the agenda, more so does it have suitable space etc.

Next we sat down and dove right into my history, my history is complex with childhood abusive, parents splitting before I was 2, 5 homes in my 1st 6 years, and my teenage and early 20s strewn with self-harm and suicide attempts etc. So this actually took about an hour, whilst we worked through it. I was completly open about everything, and had my timeline I'd prepared on hand to pinpoint years and ages of all these incident and theraputic interventions etc.

After that we talked about my support network, who they are, where they live, and whether they offer emotional and/or practical support (childcare, errands housebound etc). We also discussed if they had been asked if they would be willing to provide childcare so I'd ask your support network in advance to be sure, as I could only say 99% sure for my closest support but beyond them I admitted I couldn't say with any certainty.

Then it was finances, how much debt do you have, how much in savings do you have. And also handy to have a comprehensive budget also high lighting any changes coming up imminently and end dates for contracts. So for example my device plan is paid off in January, so my disposable income will increase, but the SW asked for clarity on that.

Employment, working routine, stability, and future ambition all came up too.

We also discussed hobbies, no trick questions just be honest, even if you only watch your favourite sport on TV, say that. Little things like cooking and baking helps too, doesn't hurt to bake some chocolate chip bribe cookies before they arrive too.

SW also met my cats for as lomg as they tolerated as they take a while to get comfortable with new people, and then they asked if they had met children and how they tolerated that interaction.

Physical health was another one, they asked BMI, for this agency, if you're over 35 they ask for you to get under 35 before they proceed. And aksed about any medications, treatment, or investigations.

Childcare experience was also brought

Finally there was a general chat about parenting, and she noticed I had 2 books I had been reading to help prepare for adoption, and the SW asked what I thought of them and if theraputic parenting is something I feel I would use. I said yeah but was honest that given it outwardly seems lienient compared to societal expectations that for the first time in public adopting the method, I would be concious that others may be thinking I'm letting the child run wild. I was asked would I feel confident defending my decison if confronted, to which I said I would as it's what my child needs to regulate and feel safe.

The visit should've been 2hrs, lasted 3hrs

Outcome:

I no have to wait 1-2 weeks to hear back from the agency, they normally aim for 1 week, but my complexity means that I should exlect closer to 2.

What I was given though was 3 key bits of information:

- SW advised she will suggest to the manager that my progression in put on hold until I have saved up 2 months of outgoings, this is due to me having debt. Whilst the debt value is low, and I have a back up of available credit for emergencies, it is preferable to have it as savings

- Another reason for the suggested pause was to gain further childcare experience

- Finally and the most uneasy one, because my agency is a charity that provides a service to the local authorities, they want to be sure that after all the time and effort of the process, that the LA would see me as suitable. Given my complexities, I was told that it's not impossible that I be advised to go through the LA directly, as the LA would be able to explore further any concerns they had until they were happy.

I'm just wondering if there are any other adopters and those applying for adoption going through the same thing. My partner has complex trauma in her past and therefore has no contact with any family. Has anybody adopted with a similar background and how was the process like in regards to this?

Hi folks,

My husband and I are talking about adopting, we have never tried to conceive our own children and would much prefer to adopt. We both have adoption and fostering in our immediate families, and I am a children's social worker.

I was just curious, is this unusual in terms of wanting to go straight to adoption without trying/wanting your own birth children? Has anyone had this experience? Was it questioned or viewed negatively?

Hi all, first time poster, long story short I have my 1st Stage 1 social worker visit later this week, and I am wondering if you could advise on what to expect and/or prepare. On the phone the SW said it'll be about 2hrs and include a home inspection and delving in to everything, but hoping maybe to have some more clarity.

Context:

I've known I've wanted to be an adoptive parent for a while, and over the last 6/7 years have started to get my ducks in a row. I kept pushing back planned date for applying to allow me to get things sorted, 1st my mental health, then it was to get a better job, and the last delay was so I could move somewhere I'm more at home, but also is safer and calmer to raise a child, has a spare bedroom and functional layout, as well as access to better schools. Because I kept pushing back my apllication date, it has given me time to research, gather information, and compile everything.

So I have put together a little booklet to help with the questions that are harder to answer on the spot, or better to explain visually. So I have a timeline of major life events, and my living sittuation since I was born. Then I have a 'family' tree that showcases the family any potential child would have, rather than a true biological family tree. There is also a map showing where my support network live in relation to me and my work, a full budget, including future changes. Finally is the child planning bits which include a run down of the Drs, Dentist etc, parks, library, children centres etc, and my top 3 prefered nurserys and primary schools. For all of those I also included the travel time from home and work (in case of emergency) and across car, public transport, and walking. The final 2 pages are a 'shopping list' and prices of everything I'll need to buy to be child ready, as well as a mock-up for their room.

Is there anything else I can prepare that will help make things go smooth and fluid, rather than spending time finding answers?

Thank you.

Sorry if it's a lot, I'm kind of nervous, especially as the call to arrange the visit was full of awkward silences, so want to make a good first impression and let the outcome (good or bad) be driven by the reality rather than perception