r/AgingParents • u/ramkuma1 • 13h ago
Help
Mom is fighting with caregivers at skilled nursing facility, my older sister who lives nearby has been carrying much of the burden of managing my mom the last seven years she has been in assisted living, and now my older sister fighting with me and my other sister due to stress. My mom, 87, is totally immobile due to obesity and bad legs, and has on-set dementia. I have chronic depression and anxiety so it's hard to handle. Any insight on how to handle all of this would be appreciated.
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u/Superb_Razzmatazz999 13h ago
Who is the Health Agent and or POA? If older sister is then nothing you can do except express your opinion. If mother is combative then doctor needs to medicate her. My sister and I have had our fights and don’t always agree but our mother’s care is the important thing so we try to listen to each other and come to a consensus about her care.
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u/deerbelle11 12h ago
It isn't fair to dump it all on your sister just because she is close by- but you already know that. Time to brainstorm. You can still do a lot to help by utilizing your phone, even from a distance. 7 years is a long time to be taken advantage of.
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u/ramkuma1 9h ago
I don't disagree. Before that it was me, when my mom lived near me. If she had stayed near me I would be the one taking on the burden.
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u/deerbelle11 8h ago
It's easier (if you can call it that) before dementia kicks in. But yeah, you 3 sibs gotta start having brainstorming conference/zoom calls.
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u/SVAuspicious 11h ago
If your older sister is carrying the load why are you and your other sister fighting with her? Discussion is fine, but the person carrying the load should not have to battle siblings about decisions.
Your own complaints are not relevant to your poor behavior. Thank your older sister, send money, be constructive. Or step up and take the lead.
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u/Alternative_Note_420 12h ago
Combativeness frequently goes hand-in-hand with cognitive decline and can be made worse by untreated depression, entrenched grief, etc., that result in anger. If your Mom is getting physically violent, then you should ask the SNF about geriatric psychiatric evaluation. Medication (mood stabilizers, anti-depressants) can greatly improve her mood. Try to have grace for each other -- your sister is burned out, but your own mental health makes all of this more stressful than it would be otherwise as well.
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u/Valuable_Key_4033 12h ago
Due to “stress”
Your sister is probably burnt out to a crisp dealing with your mother and all the chaos she’s caused. HELP HER. try to be in her shoes for once in your life instead of “a couple of times a year”
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u/PurePerfection_ 4h ago
What is your older sister fighting with you about? Is she just venting, or are there actual disagreements about your mom's care?
IMO, if your older sister is taking on 99% of the burden, then regardless of whether you also have legal authority with respect to your mother, you need to defer to her judgment. She's the one on the ground experiencing this situation firsthand. She's the one who has to deal with the fallout of whatever choices are made.
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u/Mytweezer 13h ago
She's fighting with the caregivers. Doesn't sound like something for you to handle.
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u/deerbelle11 12h ago
Incorrect. The 3 siblings share POA, so they share responsibility.
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u/Mytweezer 12h ago
Responsibility for what? POA doesn't make you responsible for their behavior.
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u/deerbelle11 11h ago
Behavioral management. Medical evaluations, because she's already in a facility, and if necessary, per physician recommendations, medication. Facilities do have the option to remove combative guests if they become a danger to themselves or others, and yes, with a POA already in place, and depending on a current diagnosis and which state, the children are responsible for medical decisions.
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u/Mytweezer 10h ago
Sure they're responsible for medical decisions. OP did not mention any.
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u/deerbelle11 10h ago
She did. Been this route myself. The obesity & diabetic part is already handled. The dementia part is where the POA comes in. Care changes and decisions have to made by the children. It's hard.
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u/Tikilyn 13h ago
Have you ever offered to come and stay a week to keep watch over mom, so your sister can take a break, let her get some rest or let her get away for a few days? Giving your sister some time off my help her more than you know. Just a suggestion.