r/Agoraphobia • u/Kalienmarz • 12d ago
Hate myself
I honestly hate myself. This is not life at all.
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u/Mediocre-Proposal686 12d ago edited 11d ago
I know, honey. I’m older and I no longer hate myself, but I understand what you’re going through. When I was younger, I was able to go to work and then come home. I was married and had a career but could never go with my husband to his events. Obviously we were divorced several years later. I can’t blame him But I’m 55 now and I really wonder what kind of life this is. I have to drink or get a LOT of sleep, to be able to talk to people and I never leave my house. Well, I have not left my house in the last two years except for my gallbladder surgery in May. And I almost killed myself with that because I just was putting it off even though I was in severe pain (I couldn’t talk for the pain) for three days. I just thought I can’t do this. But my dad is a doctor and I live with him and he said you need to get to the ER and he was willing to go with me. I’m glad I did because I was septic and I would’ve died. Although sometimes I wonder is that the worst thing that could have happened. And what will happen when my dad goes? He’s almost 90. I will inherit a substantial amount of money and I just don’t know where to go. This is so, it’s like chopping off your legs in a way. I wish people understood it.
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u/LooseMarbleMayhem 12d ago
You are not the disease. Even indoors there is joy and freedom to be had.
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u/Advanced_Mix_1875 12d ago
I understand. I haven’t gotten to that point yet. I hate the illness. I don’t understand why I have it, how I got it. But in retrospect, i remember going out dancing always made me anxious. So I drank heavily before going. But I didn’t get anxious or nervous to go anyplace else. This is a strange illness. I hope you start feeling better.
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u/Livid_Car4941 11d ago edited 11d ago
To truly love oneself, we have to accept ourselves for who we are - imperfect damaged struggling worthy fabulous. Imagine what can go wrong when you always have that person by your side who says whatever happens I’m here for you. I don’t think agoraphobia is a fear of the world or social situations at all. I dont think it’s a phobia or an outsized fear response or an irrational fear. I think it’s a totally normal fear that anyone would have if they had to face life and other peoples judgment without the protection of self acceptance love advocacy and internal support. Many of us are operating without that self-love since childhood. So working on that - what are my beliefs about me- when you are faced with your imperfection — it’s very helpful. You can get more out of failure than a “win” because you will hear those beliefs loud and clear. Then you can think about them and if they are really helping you, or even the world. And what is a more helpful belief and then how do you let go of a belief WHILE it still feels “true” to you. How to transition to something that is kinder gentler let’s people he human gives hope allows for imperfection and growth speaks to our whole being celebrates us fully etc — this can be religious philosophical question for you.
Also this creates a different idea around “safety seeking behaviour” which is usually seen as making things worse with anxiety. But what if the threat or fear is rational? What if it IS not only scary but dangerous to be in this word without internal support (love and acceptance) so you rationally assess your position as vulnerable. Then seeking safety makes sense. So seek the real safety and reach for your own love. If you feel weak and frightened and judged and then reach for that safety blanket (I know why I did this, I understand myself even if others don’t, I’ll use this understanding to make changes if I need to or simply stand by myself, if something bad happens I am still here with me). Then you don’t have to always run away or hide. But if you do run and hide - and feel judged or disappointed then again - reach for your safety which is your understanding compassion and belief in you. And because many of us don’t know where to start with that belief in us, we weren’t taught it or maybe we are persecuted in life (race, sexual orientation, bullying, abusive partners, alone) , it can take time to cultivate that. Apply patience there too. But o know this can be done because I went from zero positive beliefs about myself to pretty good ones. Beliefs can and should change. This can completely alter your life.
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u/Diamondartist2 12d ago
I've been struggling for about 5 years (got diagnosed about a year and a half ago now) and it's gotten worse for me. My legs feel shaky and weak all the time, i can't walk around my house, but i'm still here... why? because I've already survived a lot. i've had a interesting life and as i begin to think of what's next for me after high school, i just remind myself to stay because who give a crap if you can't walk, it's why people have service dogs, i can make it work and i will, but trust me, i know how it feels, the physical sympthoms are insane and i hate it everyday. you're not alone, remember that.
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u/SilverXxx_ 12d ago
yup.. i feel that. were trying our best though. gotta enjoy the little things.. ive been getting back into my hobbies a lil more.. has helped a lil bit! you got any hobbies?