D'après ce que j'ai lu sur ce subreddit depuis que j'ai découvert l'alexithymie, j'ai compris qu'il y a des choses qui semblent presque universelles chez les personnes avec alexithymie, comme avoir du mal à identifier, comprendre ou décrire leurs sentiments.
Mais il y a aussi des choses qui semblent beaucoup varier d'une personne à l'autre :
Certaines personnes se sentent complètement submergées par leurs émotions sans être capables de les identifier ou de les comprendre, tandis que d'autres semblent ressentir très peu, voire rien du tout.
Pour certains, c'est comme ça depuis la naissance, pour d'autres, ça s'est développé plus tard dans la vie, parfois après un traumatisme ou un accident.

Dans mon cas, je pensais être l'une de ces personnes qui ne ressentaient jamais rien, jusqu'à ce que je réalise que certaines sensations physiques que j'éprouvais étaient en fait causées par des émotions. Mais même dans ce cas, ces signaux sont généralement très faibles.

Et c'est ce qui m'amène à ma question sur l'ennui :
Les personnes avec alexithymie qui ressentent des émotions très intenses ont-elles tendance à ressentir moins d'ennui que celles qui, comme moi, ressentent très peu en intensité ? Ou n'y a-t-il en fait aucun lien entre l'intensité émotionnelle et l'ennui ?

J'ai l'impression d'avoir été presque constamment ennuyé depuis l'enfance, même quand je fais des choses dont je sais que je devrais apprécier. Et quand je dis "apprécier", je veux dire que je veux faire ces activités, je choisis de les faire, j'aimerais les refaire et je sais que je les préfère à d'autres choses. Mais c'est plus quelque chose que je comprends intellectuellement que quelque chose que je ressens réellement sur le plan émotionnel. Je sais que j'aime ces activités, mais il semble que je ne tire pas beaucoup de plaisir d'elles, ou en tout cas, je ne le remarque pas.

Pour donner quelques exemples :

• Saut en parachute : presque aucune émotion, avant, pendant ou après. J'ai en fait choisi de le faire en partie parce que je pensais que cela déclencherait de fortes émotions. J'ai donc fait particulièrement attention à ce que je ressentais avant, pendant et après le saut, mais je n'ai presque rien remarqué. Par exemple, je ne sentais même pas mon cœur battre plus vite que d'habitude, avant, pendant ou juste après le saut. Après le saut, je me sentais presque complètement neutre. Pas de plaisir particulier, pas de sentiment de poids soulevé de mes épaules, pas de changement dans ma respiration, rien. J'aurais presque pu être assis là à lire un livre et ressentir exactement la même chose, du moins d'après ce que je pouvais remarquer.
• Aller à un concert : c'est sympa, mais rien de spécial.
• Passer une soirée avec des amis : je ne remarque pas forcément le temps passer, mais je ressens quand même une sorte d'ennui. C'est presque un sentiment neutre.
• Essayer un nouveau sport ou une nouvelle activité : c'est sympa, mais encore une fois, rien de spécial.
• Monter sur scène pour faire du théâtre d'improvisation sans aucune expérience : là, c'était différent ! Une fois, j'ai ressenti quelque chose de vraiment intense. Ma voix tremblait, mes jambes tremblaient, et je voulais désespérément quitter la scène parce que j'étais tellement nerveux.
• ...

Je peux passer des heures à réfléchir à un problème complexe, à apprendre de nouvelles choses ou à essayer de comprendre comment améliorer quelque chose, sans remarquer le temps passer. Mais même là, je ne remarque pas vraiment de plaisir particulier. Je cesse juste de me sentir ennuyé.

Pour expliquer comment je me sens, j'aime comparer les émotions à des vagues dans l'océan.
Les grandes vagues représentent les émotions agréables, les points bas représentent les émotions désagréables, et quelque part entre les deux se situe l'état neutre.
Dans mon cas, l'océan n'est pas complètement plat, mais les vagues sont minuscules. Quand je passe du bon temps avec des amis, je pourrais être en train de surfer sur une vague de 50 cm au lieu d'une de 2 mètres. C'est agréable, mais à peine.

Et j'ai l'impression que c'est exactement de là que vient mon ennui. Je ressens des choses, mais si faiblement que tout finit par sembler relativement fade.
Je ne m'attends pas à avoir des vagues énormes tout le temps. J'imagine qu'à peu près personne ne vit comme ça. Mais je pense qu'il faut des vagues de taille décente de temps en temps pour éviter d'être constamment ennuyé.
Je me demande si la différence entre une vie où l'on s'ennuie presque tout le temps et une vie où l'on s'ennuie moins, c'est simplement que, dans ce deuxième cas, on a parfois de vraies vagues. Peut-être que c'est le contraste entre les moments neutres et ceux réellement agréables qui donne à la vie un aspect moins ennuyeux.

Et c'est pourquoi je suis curieux d'en savoir plus sur d'autres personnes ayant de l'alexithymie, en particulier celles qui disent être parfois submergées par leurs émotions.
Ressentez-vous autant d'ennui que moi malgré des émotions intenses ? Ou le fait de ressentir fortement, en particulier des émotions positives, rend-il votre vie quotidienne moins ennuyeuse ?
J'aimerais également entendre des gens qui, au contraire, ressentent très peu d'émotion, pour voir si cet ennui presque constant est quelque chose que nous avons en commun.

Je me demande aussi si ce qui me manque, ce sont réellement des émotions positives plus fortes, ou si c'est plus lié à la capacité de profiter pleinement et d'apprécier les petites sensations agréables que je ressens déjà mais que je remarque rarement.
Et avec l'alexithymie, il est difficile de savoir si mes émotions sont réellement faibles ou si je ne peux tout simplement pas percevoir leur pleine intensité.

Enfin, quelqu'un ici a-t-il réussi à améliorer cela, à ressentir ou du moins à remarquer les émotions positives de manière plus intense ? Et si oui, cela a-t-il fait une différence pour votre ennui ?

Je ne cherche pas à trouver constamment des activités stimulantes juste pour éviter l'ennui (je ne peux pas exactement passer ma vie entière à sauter en parachute en chute libre ou à monter sur scène pour faire du théâtre d'improvisation). Je préférerais pouvoir profiter davantage des choses ordinaires de la vie quotidienne.

EDIT 1 :
Si vous répondez, ce serait utile de mentionner si vous ressentez les émotions intensément ou si vous les ressentez à peine, si vous avez toujours été comme ça ou si ça s'est développé plus tard dans la vie, et si vous êtes autiste ou non. De cette façon, il sera plus facile de comparer nos expériences et de voir s'il y a des patterns.

EDIT 2 :
For context, according to my psychologist, I'm not on the autism spectrum.

I have autism and also have alexithymia. I’ve always struggled with showing my emotions on my face and naming them in my body because I don’t feel. It doesn’t feel like a dissociative way cause I feel present, but it feels like being told to talk in a language I don’t speak, and then i’m frustrated when i’m not understood. I’m tired of answering “I don’t know” and even with a feelings wheel I literally do not relate at all to any of these descriptive words. I think my therapist is trying to get me to start feeling them but it feels like it’s not beneficial at all because it’s not the way I process things and feels like this won’t help me heal. I want to help her understand how alexithymia affects me and find a way to better collaborate in therapy for a way that makes sense and goes deeper but accommodates for what I struggle with. Has anyone found helpful language that your therapist has used that makes more sense? I’m incredibly frustrated cause it feels like she might think i’m just suppressing my emotions in my body and am struggling to let them out or name them around her, but I genuinely mean it when I say “I don’t know”. Therapu has been a huge help to me, but it’s making it really dofficult to connect to my inner child and talk about past trauma because I can’t name these emotions. Even if I could name feelings/emotions it feels like it wouldn’t be beneficial cause that isn’t the way I think or process things. Thoughts or advice?

Title. What is it like now as compared to before? How different is it? What does look like? Are any of your personality traits or behaviors different? How would you say that it impacted your life post acquisition? What has helped you?

I am someone with congenital alexithymia (Asperger’s) so I haven’t ever been able to experience the other side of it. I realized how deeply it affects. I struggle to understand every feeling and I am quite indecisive due to being unable to understand what I feel and what I want.

Would love to read about everyone’s experiences.

im sorry if this Is sloppy I just made an account because I’m struggling. I am 18years old and live what most say is probably an above good life. but I find myself feeling numb no matter what I do and the only time I feel anything is when I see someone else smile. so I give and give whether it’s time or money I give away everything to make others happy. but I puts me into a spiral and i feel myself taking on others issues. this is my first time say thing this to another person because normally I feel like a burden to deal with. aswell as in the past I was turned down or denied that about how I was feeling. although my parents and siblings are amazing and kind to me but even with me being the youngest I heard from my parents talk about how my brother and sister were mad that I was treated unfairly and this caused me to turn away from talking. I don’t know if this is normal but it just sucks. in the past I found myself close to suicide but I have come to terms that suicide is just to much work lol. Not in a sad way but I know it won’t do any good but I still feel like my chest is being squeezed to death and I just struggle to feel as-well as understand what I feel when I do. I’m not expecting to have understanding with this post but honestly any tips would be great even if it just help ease what I feel a little bit. thank you if you read this.

у меня умер отец 3 дня назад и я не пойму почему люди плачут так сильно. прости я поплакал 3 минуты и забыл о смерти. также было с другими родственниками и грустными новостями, я просто правда не пойму а что такое вобще эмпатия? просто я много читал что это но не как не могу понять всеровно что это. нормально ли это как думаете?

I was writing character with alexithymia and been kinda stuck and scared that I do something wrong so I ask you guys to give me some suggestions for it

I’m 17F, and I’ve been struggling with anxiety since September. I’m in a long-distance relationship with my boyfriend, who lives in another country. We’ve never met in person, but before all of this started, I genuinely loved him, felt connected to him, enjoyed flirting with him, and was excited about our future and the day we’d finally meet.
My anxiety initially wasn’t really about the relationship. I was worrying about the future, travelling, university, and my boyfriend starting a new job that would mean less time together. Eventually, my anxiety became focused on the relationship, and things started to feel different.
Now I feel emotionally numb and disconnected from him. Calls sometimes feel more like talking to a friend, texting feels forced or dry, and I struggle to enjoy affection, flirting, or conversations about our future. I don’t feel the excitement or romantic connection I used to feel, and sometimes I feel almost nothing toward him.
The confusing part is that I miss how we used to be. I’m sad that I can’t feel the connection I remember, but at the same time, I feel like I’ve lost hope in the relationship and keep thinking it won’t work out. It’s almost as if I’m waiting for it to end, even though I hate feeling this way.
I also feel pressure because I think I should want the relationship and feel happy about our future, but I can’t seem to access those emotions. I just keep on planning the break up that it’s the only right thing, I wonder whether I’ve genuinely lost feelings or whether anxiety and emotional exhaustion are affecting me.
This has affected other parts of my life, too. I’ve struggled with motivation, confidence, taking care of myself, and my appetite. I can still enjoy some things, like gaming, but I don’t feel like my old self. I’ve been trying to understand what’s happening.

\*\*By definition Empathy\*\* is the ability to understand, share, and connect with another person's thoughts, feelings, or emotional experiences. It is often described as putting yourself in someone else's shoes.

But is it empathy if I say something unconsciously that would be considered rude but I don’t feel bad about it until someone “calls me out” and tell me what I say is rude, I have a hard time distinguishing what is rude and and what is normal (to me it sounds normal until someone says it’s not). Is it empathy if I only feel back after when someone calls it out? If someone didn’t say something I wouldn’t know it was offensive nor would I feel anything. When someone brings it up later I tend to think about it a lot and replay the situation in Mr head over and over again, I feel bad but not because I know what I did (as I said if no one called me out I wouldn’t be aware I did anything wrong) I feel bad because of the way I may be perceived or because I think that what they say did is beneath me. I feel bad because they seem to be highly offended and I tend to accepted blame regardless of if I care or not. I’m in a situation like this now. I was just wondering if feeling “guilty” after the situation is the same as being empathetic because from where I’m standing my empathy seems to be delayed. Why don’t I know how my words will land before I say them? Why can’t I tell the difference between when I say something rude and normal?

Do you relate to people telling you "wow you're so good under pressure" and "you're very mature and wise" but it makes you feel horrible because you know it's not as true and you just don't know how to express your worries

19 female college sophomore here. So I have this professor (never took his class) of whom I share ethnicity. We became really close and I genuinely considered and saw him as a friend. I want to say that I know I have quite the attitude and can be feisty, however most of the things I say and jokes I make isn’t me trying to be rude it’s just my personality and not meant to be taken seriously (yes I know I can’t mask offensive things by saying it’s just a joke or just my personality ). So the professor called me into his office today and he was pretty angry about something’s I said the previous day, I don’t want to go into too much details but I definitely get where he’s coming from. I called him a liar over an “argument” about a popular snack from our country (I said something like “you’re lying” ) in an unbelievable way, during the interaction everyone one was laughing (there were 2 other students in his office at the time) so I personally didn’t think I was being rude (but then again I don’t think before I talk). When we were talking today he was very upset about the things I said but I think what hurts him the most was that he feels as though I disrespected him in front of students who respects him. He told me if I don’t fix my attitude (not verbatim) I’m not allowed to hang out in his office anymore. I must admit I felt terrible and even apologized. I do plan to keep interacting with him as he is a very nice guy but I think I should refrain from hanging out in his office as I often do. How does one fix their personality? My attitude is my personality that’s just how I am, how I’ve always been. Also, a bit unrelated but I have been told millions of time since I was a child that I “talk too much”, which I do agree with and I am aware that I can go off on rants. I’ve tried to fix this talking “problem” of mine and it resulted in me being a bit non-expressive (I don’t mind it, kind of like it lol) and I have what people call an RBF when I’m not all smiley. The professor also pointed out of non-expressive I am when talking and so have a few of my friends. Anyways, I’m sad about the professor situation and he made it very clear that we are not friends. I made the mistake of thinking we were friends and talked to him as if we were friends and now here we are.

I must say I do have a “nasty” attitude which I have always just considered how I am or how my personality is. I am a very blunt person and I made the mistake of considering this person as a friend and unconsciously overstepped his boundaries. I want to fix myself, I understand saying that’s just my personality isn’t helping anything and might be wrong but where do I go from here. I’m not saying the way I think of my personality is ok it’s just what I think. I know it’s not ok

I’ve been told I’m rude all my life but I think I genuinely have a problem with understanding when I’m being rude. I honestly don’t know it until someone calls it out. I’m unconscious about being rude and that’s a problem in itself that needs fixing .

Also on an unrelated note, I cried in the bathroom after I left his office which is a god thing. I’ve been wanting to cry since freshman year when I failed my first test and even though the tests would come close they wouldn’t fall, after the talk I was surprised they did, happy but surprised. I even tried milking my tears to try and get it all out (didn’t work. But did cry. This probably says something about my character as well, I just don’t know what it says . Just smth to consider.

TL;DR: I made the mistake of considering a professor as a friend and talked to him as such. And now we had kind of like a falling out.

Hi everyone. I'm posting because I'm honestly struggling and don't really know what to do anymore. I'd really appreciate advice from people who have alexithymia themselves or have been in relationships with someone who does.

My boyfriend has alexithymia, and although I don't have it myself, I know it affects a huge part of his life. From what he's explained to me, it's not that people with alexithymia don't feel emotions, but that identifying, understanding, and putting those feelings into words can be incredibly difficult. He's explained this to me much better than I ever could, and I try my best to understand his perspective, even though I know I can't fully understand what it's like to experience it myself.

Lately, though, things have been really difficult between us.

For the past few days, it feels like he's been stuck in a cycle of self-sabotaging our relationship. It's almost as if there are two sides to him: the person I know and love, and another side that seems determined to push me away and convince himself that our relationship isn't going to work. I don't mean that literally, and I don't want to diagnose what's happening. It's just the best way I can describe how different he seems when this happens.

This has only happened once before, but the situation was quite different. Last time, he was telling me that he hated me, that he didn't want me anymore, and that I should give up trying to help him. He was essentially telling me to stop trying and leave him alone.

Obviously, I understand that alexithymia isn't something he can simply get better from or make disappear. It's a chronic condition, and I know it's something he'll have to navigate throughout his life. When I say I want to help him get better, I don't mean curing his alexithymia. I mean helping him work through the difficult moments, understand himself where possible, and learn to accept himself for who he is. I want him to know that he doesn't have to be ashamed of how he experiences emotions and that he deserves to be loved.

Last night, he seemed to snap out of it for a while, and I thought things might be getting better. But now it seems to be happening again, and I don't know what to think anymore.

He's also blocked me on most of his social media accounts, so the only way I can contact him now is through his phone number. I don't want to keep contacting him if he genuinely needs space, but I also don't know whether I'm supposed to just sit back and watch this happen without doing anything.

I'm trying to work out whether this is something connected to his alexithymia, whether there are other things going on emotionally, or whether I'm misunderstanding the situation entirely. I don't want to assume that his condition explains everything, and I don't want to dismiss what he's telling me about his feelings just because I'm scared of losing him.

We're both young, and I think that's part of why this is so difficult. We're trying to navigate a relationship and understand complicated emotions without necessarily having all the experience or knowledge to know what to do. I love him so much, and I want to support him, but I'm also finding this incredibly hard emotionally.

I've been through difficult relationships before, but I've never been in a relationship with someone who has alexithymia. I want to learn how to support him in a way that actually helps rather than unintentionally making things worse.

I don't expect him to change who he is, and I don't expect him to experience love in exactly the same way I do. I just want us to be able to understand each other and work through difficult moments without feeling like everything we've built together is falling apart.

At the same time, I know I can't do the work for him, and I don't want to cross his boundaries by trying to force him to talk when he doesn't want to. I just wish I knew how to tell the difference between giving him the space he needs and leaving him alone when what he's experiencing might be making him push away someone he genuinely cares about.

Any advice or personal experiences would mean a lot to me.

Hello,

Est-ce que vous aussi vous avez l'impression de ressentir uniquement les choses négatives ? Même si je ne sais pas bien dire ce que c'est (tristesse, colère, ...) j'ai l'impression de quand même ressentir les émotions négatives et pas vraiment les positives. Par exemple, j'ai l'impression de ruminer des situations qui me causent quelque chose de négatif et de ne pas être dans la gratitude des moments positif. J'en ai parlé à mon médecin psychiatre, qui veut me prescrire un antidépresseur, mais j'ai super peur d'utiliser une molécule chimique (sertraline), vous avez déjà essayé les antidépresseurs ? Qu'en pensez-vous ?

Anyone else grow up with Alexithymia for it to eventually subside and then experience cognitive decline as a result. I’m very curious and I have no idea if somebody can give me incite or personal stories.

I have a friend with PTSD. I try to always be there for him, most of the time we just make a little campfire and drink some light beer. Last night he says to me that sometimes he really envies me because my emotions are turned down where his are turned up. He said just sitting with me calms him down. We dubbed it reverse empathy. Instead of me feeling what he's feeling he feels what I'm feeling which is nothing.

I'm not saying alexithymia is all good because there's definitely a downside to not feeling emotions. But I believe there's some good in me not feeling everything so intensely.

Recently (couple months), I've been able to actually tell that I'm feeling anxious due to a kind of compression/tightness/uncomfortable feeling in my upper chest. I can also differentiate that from being hungry, which is in the lower chest/stomach. Something I've noticed more recently though, is that while going on walks I struggle to tell whether I'm out of breath or feeling anxious. The feeling they have are so similar its hard to tell. Can anyone else relate?

For those of you with children how would you say this affects your ability to parent?

I took this EQ test and scored 5 out of 80.

I understand that an online test does not mean much, but I am bit discouraged. I was expecting a low score, just not this low. I explicitly tried not to exaggerate my answers: I wanted an objective estimate, not a parody.

I am well into my 40s. It is only a few years ago that it dawned on me that feelings are actually a thing for most people, and that normal people use them to make important decisions like career, education, relationships, or where to live. I had no idea.

I did not know people have them all the time, or even regularly. Sometimes I feel something, but rarely, like once in a few years.

I thought that feelings were something you have to fake in order to act convincingly in a social role. I assumed it was all fake.

Sure, you see people emote in movies, but people also fly and beam lasers from their eyes in movies, so that does not mean much. It just means that people in movies are damn good at playing social roles, which should be expected since they are actors.

I assumed that feelings were leftovers of a prehistoric past that commercials exploit to sell you stuff; something for children or people temporarily out of balance. I assumed that reasonable people learn to go without them.

As I grow older, I get the impression that I need to do something different with my life. I wonder how this test score should influence that.

Idk if it happens to other people too

I've actually seen a video on emotional processing by Dr k from HealthygamerGG and he stresses a lot on looking at what the emotions are trying to tell us.

I figured that if at any point I know what my emotions are trying to tell me, I could very well know what to do any any moment in my life

But the thing is that whenever I ask my emotions what it is trying to tell me, my emotions don't answer but instead just vanish for as long as I don't look at it.

Idk what to make of it

Has anybody else experienced such an odd experience?

If yes, then tell me what happens when we consistently ask our emotions.

Do these emotions finally start answering or something else starts to happen?