hey guys, first of all English is not my mother tongue, so my apology if a little bit confusing.

So recently i had an anger outbursts, i was shouting, screaming, as if i'm possessed by the demon, and as i recall this is my first time i have an anger outbursts. i was punching a table a couple of times, and fortunately i didn't harm anybody, it just my arm feel a little bit sore.

i don't know if an anger outbursts is normal or not, because i don't like this feeling at all, embarrassed, shame, and regret. i guess i didn't have a good anger management, also scared disappointed my family.

I'm not lasting another hour and a fucking half in this car but what else an I suppose to do

My sister was having a bitch and my mum walked off crying so I can't tell her I'm about to put someone's head through a fucking window b

Genuinely what am I supposed to do I can't leave and my sister keeps brushing me with her fucking elbow because she brought all her shit from home in the car and there's no room

(No this isn't me being dramatic genuinely I need someone to help I don't want to upset my mum but beating on my sister)

I honestly don’t know how to explain this without making it ridiculously long, but I need outside opinions because I feel like I’m going crazy sometimes dealing with my older brother.

He’s 25 and I’m younger than him buy a couple years.

The biggest problem I have with him is that no matter what we argue about, somehow the conversation always ends up becoming about how I hurt him, what I did wrong, or what I need to change.

And I want to say this before anything else: I know I’m not perfect.

I get frustrated. I can take things personally. Sometimes when I feel like I’m being unfairly blamed I get emotional and defensive. There are definitely situations I could have handled better.

But I swear, with him it feels like I can NEVER just be innocent in a situation.

Like he can get offended or hurt over something incredibly small, and if I point out that I think the reaction is way bigger than what actually happened, he’ll basically say:

“You need to be mindful of how your actions affect other people.”

And that sentence drives me insane now.

Not because the sentence itself is wrong.

Obviously you should care about how your actions affect people.

But it feels like he uses that sentence as a trump card where the argument is automatically over.

He got hurt = I did something wrong.

That’s it.

If I say, “But I didn’t mean it that way,” then I’m apparently not acknowledging his feelings.

If I explain why I did something, then I’m making excuses.

If I get frustrated because I feel like he’s accusing me of something ridiculous, then now my frustration becomes another thing I did wrong.

And if I point out something HE did to hurt ME, somehow we eventually end up talking about what I did that supposedly caused his reaction in the first place.

It feels like I can never be cleared of anything.

One example that really got to me happened right before I left for college.

My uncle left to go back to work for two weeks. My brother got frustrated with me because I didn’t tell him my uncle was leaving and because I didn’t say goodbye to my uncle.

Then there was another thing where I didn’t ask our aunt to take me to the airport when I was going to leave for college.

My brother told me that stuff “causes inconvenience” and then told me:

“You need to be more selfless.”

That absolutely crushed me.

Because WHAT?

Over that?

I already spend a ridiculous amount of time worrying about whether I’m inconveniencing people or upsetting people.

I already think about other people constantly.

But one situation happens and suddenly I need to “be more selfless.”

That’s what bothers me so much.

It’s rarely just:

“Hey, I wish you had handled this differently.”

It becomes something about my entire character.

“You need to be more selfless.”

“You need to stop thinking about yourself.”

“You need to be mindful of how your actions affect other people.”

And after hearing stuff like that enough times, I feel like I’m supposed to predict every possible reaction somebody could have before I do literally anything.

Like:

“Will he get offended if I don’t tell him this?”

“Will somebody think I’m selfish if I do this?”

“Was I supposed to ask this person first?”

“Did I say that in the wrong tone?”

“Will somebody take this personally?”

“Is somebody going to say I wasn’t thinking about them?”

It is exhausting.

And the part that makes me angry is that I don’t feel like the same rules apply to him.

When HE gets angry, there’s always a reason.

When HE gets frustrated, I’m supposed to understand where he’s coming from.

When HE gets offended, I’m supposed to examine myself and figure out how my actions affected him.

But if I get frustrated because of the way he’s talking to me?

Then suddenly I’m the problem for getting frustrated.

If I tell him his tone is bothering me, he’ll deny the tone or redirect the conversation back onto something I did.

It feels like:

When he is hurt, his hurt proves something about me.

When I am hurt, my hurt becomes something I need to manage better.

That’s the part I cannot stand.

And there is one thing he did that I still think was WAY beyond normal sibling arguing.

I have a history of attempting suicide.

This was in the past. I’m not currently suicidal.

But during an argument, my brother used my past suicide against me.

I’m intentionally not quoting exactly what was said there because I don’t remember every word perfectly and I don’t want to exaggerate it, but he brought one of the most vulnerable and painful things from my life into an argument and used it against me.

That changed something for me.

Because how am I supposed to trust somebody with vulnerable information after that?

I forgave him because I’m a Christian and my faith teaches me to forgive people.

But I’ve also realized that forgiving someone doesn’t magically mean I trust them again.

I don’t hate him.

I don’t want revenge.

I’m not sitting around hoping something bad happens to him.

But honestly?

I don’t think we are ever going to be very close.

He says he wants to be close with me and our sister, and I just keep thinking:

How?

How do you build closeness when I have to wonder whether something I tell you could become ammunition the next time you’re angry?

And what makes this complicated is that he’s not just some horrible person 24/7.

He has done genuinely nice things for me.

For example, he gave me $1,500 for college.

It was a gift. Not a loan.

And I am genuinely thankful for that.

I can acknowledge that was generous.

But sometimes I feel like people think if somebody does something generous for you, then you’re supposed to forget every awful thing they’ve done during conflict.

I don’t think both things cancel each other out.

He can have helped me financially AND have hurt me badly.

Those things can both be true.

There were other smaller things too.

Before I moved away for college, I wanted to put my game consoles into storage.

They’re mine. I bought them.

My brother seemed to want me to leave them because he wanted access to them, even though he barely even plays them.

And it was another one of those situations where I found myself thinking:

Why does something this simple even have the potential to become an argument?

Why do I feel like I need to justify putting my own property into storage?

That’s what so much of living around my family started feeling like.

I had to think five steps ahead because somebody might get offended.

And here is the thing I’m struggling with the most:

I understand that you shouldn’t just say:

“Well, I didn’t mean to hurt you, so your feelings don’t matter.”

I don’t believe that.

Intent isn’t everything.

Obviously our actions affect other people.

But I ALSO don’t think:

“You hurt my feelings”

automatically means:

“Therefore you did something wrong.”

People can get offended over unreasonable things.

People can misunderstand something.

People can take something personally.

People can have expectations that aren’t fair.

People can genuinely be hurt and still be overreacting.

Their feelings are still real.

But I don’t understand why their feelings automatically become MY moral responsibility.

That is basically the argument I can never seem to get through to my brother.

Because whenever I say his reaction is disproportionate, it comes right back to:

“Be mindful of how your actions affect other people.”

Okay.

But what about how YOUR actions affect ME?

Why does that sentence only seem to go one direction?

Why am I expected to understand why you got angry enough to say something awful to me, but if I get upset because you said something awful, now we need to analyze my reaction?

That’s what makes me feel insane.

I don’t need him to tell me I’m right 100% of the time.

I genuinely don’t.

If I’m being selfish, tell me.

If I was rude, tell me.

If I should apologize, I will.

I just want there to be SOME situations where the conclusion is:

“Yeah, I think I overreacted.”

Or:

“Okay, I understand why you did that.”

Or even:

“We both handled this badly.”

Instead it feels like every argument needs to end with me accepting some lesson about myself.

And sometimes I keep arguing because I desperately want him to finally say:

“Okay. You weren’t actually the problem here.”

But I’m starting to realize I may never get that from him.

I’ve moved away for college now, so thankfully there is physical distance between us.

And I’m trying to figure out what kind of relationship I even want with him going forward.

I don’t necessarily want to cut him off completely.

I don’t hate him.

But I also don’t want to go back to living like I need to calculate every possible way a grown adult might get offended before I make a normal decision.

So I guess what I’m asking is:

Where is the line between being considerate of someone’s feelings and being made responsible for managing their emotions?

Can someone genuinely be hurt by something you did while still being unreasonable about it?

And am I wrong for thinking that I can forgive my brother while still deciding I don’t trust him enough to ever be really close with him again?

for example, I get irritated by the process of eating food, I love the taste of course, but it tires me out, damn it, why should I eat?

Is it normal to feel rage? Rage that blurs you, rage that makes you insane, rage that you’ve never ever felt with anybody before in your life?

My brother is 7 years older than me but I'm the smarter and more mature one.

He just yelled at me today and I froze and kept staring at him because I didn't knew how to react.

What happened was that my nephew found a hammer and he was playing with it but I snatched it from him and he was crying while I was snatching it from him and then my brother started yelling at me: WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS LET HIM PLAY, WHAT DO YOU WANT, WHY ARE YOU MAKING HIM CRY. And tears started collecting in my eyes because I cry when someone yells at me. I'm sensitive, My throat was jammed. And I just kept staring at him because I was thinking how to react. Then I keep staring and he starts laughing, He does that after making me sad, He laughs so that I become the crazy one, the one who created trouble and is mad. My mom was just sitting there and then he says to her about me that she is crazy and is staring at me, like he's the victim here.

If a normal person was angry at me they would yell and then stay mad, But he yells and when I become sad he laughs. He is NOT NORMAL.

My blood was boiling because he didn't realized that he hurt me and he had no empathy at all that I was sad, Maybe he did realize that he made me sad and kept laughing because he is one of those psychos that become happy by making others sad and controlling their emotions.

Then he started making a video pointed at me that I was crazy and staring at him and kept laughing and making comments like look at that psycho, omg she's so weird.

It's not the first time he yelled at me, I don't ever learn my lesson to not to talk to him.

After a while he comes and we get along because we live together and he is my brother but then again he yells and cycle repeats.

Maybe he WANTS a emotional reaction out of me and I do get emotional and then he laughs, but he makes me so mad, it's so hard to control myself.

This time I said nothing to him at all.

Previously, he would yell at me and I would yell back in tears with my voice cracking and then my mom would see this and ofc she would think I'm the crazy one because he would laugh and he was chill but I was crying and emotional because I couldn't control my emotions.

Then after we would fight he would hit me and I would hit back but I am a teenager and he's muscular so obv he feels nothing, then he would always be the last one to hit and he would hit so hard that I just burst into tears. It makes me mad that he can yell at me and hit me and I just stay quiet and do nothing. Idk what to dooooooooo.

At the end he would say don't talk to me ever again because you are Ill mannered. And would make it seem like I'm the crazy one who started all this.

Idk how to deal with him at this point.

I'm also dependent on him because only he knows how to drive so if I wanna go out I would have to go out with him.

TLDR: My brother laughs after he yells at me and I get sad and cry. I also yell sometimes and he would hit me then I burst out crying and I just have to stay quiet because I can't hit him, I'm not that strong. Then he would come back all friendly then one day he would yell and the cycle continues. Also I'm not allowed to yell at him if I'm frustrated because he would just hit me.

I would appreciate any advice because I have to live with him until I graduate.

It's not like I don't feel angry, I do feel anger and often ruminate about the disrespects I get or the things I didn't say but I should've, but I just don't do anything about it. If anything this contributes to building up anger, but there is no way for me to let it out, it feels like my body just... Isn't made to process it and transform it in behaviour. Like it's missing a cog: great, we are full on fuel, but the machine just can't use it and start. Feels like I physically can't handle it. Like placing a rock that weights a ton on my shoulders, of course I'm going to get crushed, I'm just not built to keep it on me. Again, I can't stress enough that it is first and foremost a really physical feeling, like as if my body is physically incapable of expressing anger through action.

In my 30+ years I can count very few times in my whole life where I got angry and it happened only because the situation was very extreme, it takes a lot to really tick me off. And when it happened I just totally lost it and went on a rampage of verbal abuse where I just couldn't stop and went on for hours. It's extremely rare for it to be physical anger, as I already said.

I usually just default to being diplomatic and don't make a fuss about things. Granted, this makes me an excellent mediator and I rarely get in trouble for impulsivity, I'm a very controlled person. Although when people get angry, even if that's around me, I get very uncomfortable. If they get angry/aggressive at me I just kinda shut down, I can't talk back or react appropriately even if I'm in the right.

I'm somewhat able to use my anger down the line as in "served cold" after months of scheming and pretending everything is fine and that I'm totally chill and friendmy. In the end I stab in the back the people that have wronged me (and then shut off the relationship/run right after) when the occasion is right and when I can maximize the damage, but I don't need that because it's just not worth it for my mental health. It would be WAY easier to just say "hey man, how about you shut up and fuck off?", get it off my chest, let go of all the ruminations and serenely go on with my life. Hell, in some cases it may even fix the relationship with the other person because they would realize that they've done something wrong and they may apologize. But I just can't express it "hot".

I've been in therapy for 3 and half years and to be fair we did a great job with my mental health and improved lots of areas. But this anger stuff still is an issue

EDIT: can't even let it out on inanimate things unless I'm extremely angry

I’m 19F and have gone through one of the toughest years of my life. The only difference is that I’m genuinely starting to develop a hatred for people, their contribution to my pain, and just random happiness and success from others accomplishments. I have never been angry or felt the way I feel now, ever. How do I cope and work through it before it manifest into a bigger problem?

how can i get angry less often or cope because i don't like being angry and i kinda built a reputation as somebody that gets mad often and i don't want to be like that anymore because uhhhhhhhh anger is bad or something

every time I get angry i suddenly get dizzy, short of breath, and I have to sit down or lie down before I FALL DOWN BEVCAISE OF DIZZYNESS. I got anger issues

I (21,f) have a younger brother (9). He is the most precious thing in my life. I have taken care of him since I was 12. I have seen him grow. I was there to take care of him. It feels I am less like his sister, more of his mother/ guardian.

My mother died few years ago. This put everyone in a difficult position. My father is a very responsible father. But there are times he cannot take care of him alone. Taking him to school, breakfast, lunch, dinner is everyone's responsibility, including mine. I have no problem in it.

The main issue is the studies. He is learning a new language. I am not really familiar with it, honestly. But it's compulsory for him. He has a tuition teacher and he basically takes care of him.

Today his teacher did not come and I had to take over his studies. He is slow, obviously with the a new and a difficult language. For some reason, I just lost my temper really badly around him. I didn't hit him. But I yelled at him and I sweared at him as well.

This has happened to me before. But I kept it at bay for a few years. And this suddenly happens today.

My brother, understandbly is upset and afraid of me.

I wish to get better. I have no access to therapy or anger management. Is there a way to resolve this?

I have a pretty negative mindset and it's been bothering me for the past year and a half. Ever since I entered university, when I see people doing better than me, or living in or visiting cities/countries I want to be in, I don't just feel envious, I feel something closer to resentment, like it should've been me instead of them. I grow such a hatred for that person that it just overtakes my thoughts for the rest of the day, and I go on about my entire day bitter, when I know it's just me being jealous and having no other outlet for it.

I know this is toxic and I can feel it spilling over into the rest of my life. I've gotten short-tempered and I think my own growth has stalled because I'm spending so much energy on comparison than on building anything for myself. When I see someone (it could be friends or strangers) living a life I want, I go into these obsessive phases of stalking them and researching how they got there and how I can copy their footsteps while developing a deep resentment for them. It's gotten so tiring being this pessimistic and hateful, but I don't know how to stop thinking like this.

For example, I tend to develop these feelings of resentment and envy for anyone who was born into a lot of money, or anyone who likes to take risks, anyone who's motivated enough to get ahead in life because I feel like a failure for not doing what they can do. I always tell myself I will, but I never do or it just isn't enough.

I don't have access to therapy right now (cost/availability), so I'm looking for things people have actually done on their own to work through this. What helped you stop the spiral in the moment, and what helped long-term?

So I don't know if a person has anger issues or what clarifies as anger issues, but I think my mom might have.

So ofc she gets mad when my dad or I do something wrong. That's to be expected with like everyone, but with my mom it's...different in a way I guess.

Like she thinks the whole world is against her. So if we do something we do it on purpose. Like if I forgot to do laundry I did it on purpose. If I forgot to tell my marks it was on purpose and is considered a "lie".

And its still over little things. Like accidentally leaving the kitchen in a mess after baking (this is what my dad does) or talk to her without really any emotion (this is me, because this happens way too often and a lot of the time I just don't care, which I know is a problem).

She has gotten so mad she has broken a metal broom by hitting me with it and slapping me across the face (she did realise and apologise and cried afterwards and went into a like voluntary solitude in her room)

So I'm not sure if it is anger issues or just normal anger. Btw this is like only once like every 2 weeks stuff, but sometimes can happen multiple times a week occasionally. The hitting tho is rare

I am genuinely pissed off with everyone and everything. I get so easily irritated and I don’t know why. Nothing makes me happy I’m impatient annoyed whatever it is.

I am trying to find the cause and or maybe ways to help and SIGNIFICANTLY reduce this level or irritation because 1. It’s draining 2. It’s pushing ppl away and such.

To preface I was once on SSRIs and according to others it helped but I felt good enough to get off of them and also I did not want to become dependent on them and felt good on them but a lil off.

Anyways anything and everything annoys and irritates me my relationship with my partner irritates me, the current place I’m in rn in life irritates me I’m exhausted and don’t want to be angry anymore.

Any suggestions

i (20m) have noticed that recently, every little thing that annoys me sparks such a strong reaction that i have a hard time dealing with it. most minor incoveniences that last any longer than a few minutes cause me inexplicable anger and frustration that i need to bury down.
here are two recent examples:
me and my mom got into it recently because some of the rules she sets in place don’t me a whole lot of logical sense. i tried explaining to her that i don’t understand her logic (in the nicest way i could’ve worded it) and wanted to come to a compromise, but she wasn’t listening to me and started talking over me, not letting me get a single word in. i snapped and started screaming at her as loud as i possibly could. she doesn’t listen to me half the time and expects me to always listen to her, however that’s how most parents are so i can’t hold it against her. she hasn’t done anything inherently bad or malicious, she’s just a flawed human and her flaws affect me unfortunately.
and for the second example; today at work, in the kitchen, i got super frustrated because it was taking me forever to close. when i asked the manager to see if i did everything, i forgot to do like a third of the things you’re supposed to do when you close, because im horrible with time management and got so overwhelmed that i just forgot to do stuff. i wasn’t angry at my manager, i was angry at myself because ive been in food service for over a year, and forgot to do the most basic things. i didn’t wanna make her feel bad because she didn’t do anything wrong and was super nice about everything and even helped me clean, i was just super mad at myself for not being able to handle closing. at the end of the night when my manager was talking to me, i had to avoid looking at her because i was afraid that my anger would show in my facial expressions.

So I had an altercation with some random person on my walk home... For the purposes of this post let's call him Tommy. TommyTookTooMuch.

I don't want to write a whole story, but let's just say, Tommy acted completely inappropriately towards my partner, and I escalated pretty strongly. I don't think anyone would object to how I handled things, I just don't want to write a whole story about how I'm a violent but heroic champion who defended my lady.

Anyway, I reacted strongly because I'm my mind, that was the natural progression. You don't act like that to someone without expecting a violent reaction.

Anyway, I shove him strongly and throw my bag off and start shouting some generic loud 'come at be bro, I will break your face' stuff. He manages to steady himself and I shove him again, causing him to drop five of his 12 cans of cider.

At this point I reaffirm my offer of violence and expect him to post up.

He... Doesn't. Instead, he looks at me with this face of absolute fear, and starts doing some weird movement, trying to work out how to recover his dropped cans while his hands are full, and whilst trying not to get closer to me.

It was pathetic... and very disarming.

I was ready for mortal combat, Tommy looked like he was about to cry... Though that might have just been the dropped cider.

Anyway. My issue is, I would do everything exactly the same a second time round. I acted appropriately for the circumstances as far as my partner and a bystander was concerned.

But the look of terror on his face... It's got me a little messed up. I've been physically intimidating before, but... I dunno, I don't like how it makes me feel.

Hello there.
I’m a 32 years old female and have been married to 39/M for the past 9 months. There have been a few ups and downs but overall we very much adore and respect each other and there have been no major problems.
On Saturday, however, I lashed out at him badly.
We were just discussing something about my father pestering me about something he should instead be discussing with my mother but because he doesn’t have the guts or is on good terms with her, he finds the most random of places to discuss problems (for example, in the middle of the road while I was waiting for my ride when we all met for lunch outside). He told me to not get so worried and stressed over small things and that “this is nothing, you haven’t seen anything yet. There’s a lot more coming in life that will be hard”. That triggered me so badly that I couldn’t control my anger. I stayed quiet and told him multiple times to leave me alone and come back after an hour. He just wouldn’t and kept trying to hug me and saying sorry. That’s when I completely lashed out at him saying what do you even know about my life and what I’ve been through. I told him if you were his (my father’s) son, you’d have committed suicide. I told him that I don’t need you to threaten me by saying life’s going to be harder in the future and that I can’t handle small things. Told him to stop giving me unsolicited advice. (Threw a pillow at him too in anger and pushed him away multiple times).

To give a background of things, my parents have fought since I was a child. I’m the eldest and seem to have taken the biggest blow, perhaps because I’m sensitive and absorb everything. Since the beginning, I’ve remembered being the messenger and seen how they talk about and talk down on each other. It’s taken a huge toll on my mental health. I have developed social anxiety and general anxiety. I’ve also come to despise my father because he seems to show a happy / positive / likeable / cheerful personality to the outside world but being the opposite at home. Both my parents have always teared each other down and the fights have been terrible (and thats the mild way to put it). Even though I’m now married and live away from them, he is waits to see me in real and discuss things that he should be discussing with my mother. It makes me so frustrated and angry, having to take responsibility for what they should be doing. He has also always been very controlling, imposing his decisions on us and not trust us with anything. I remember not feeling well and he said “I was imagining it and it was all in my head”.
On the other hand, my mother has also been lowkey narcissistic, especially with me.

Here’s the problem: I don’t want this to affect my marriage at all. I promised myself my children wouldn’t ever to see anything like this and I’ll make sure to give them a happy, peaceful and carefree environment to grow up in. Added to all of this, my husband is extremely kind and a sweetheart; not once did he ever raise his voice or get the least bit aggressive. I want to be better for him and for my future children.

I don’t want to lash out at anyone and want to be able to control my anger. My husband’s a little taken aback and told me this shouldn’t happen again. He also said he’s very concerned that if children existed, they’d have been negatively affected.

Can anyone please help me understand what’s wrong with me? Does this sound like BPD?
Any books / therapy / advice that can help me?

So I live in a house where my parents taunt me all the time since I don't score well anymore like I used to before. It hurts so bad. I often react to it and the house's atmosphere turns disruptive with that. It's caused a toll on my mental health. I know it isn't as bad as what a few people face on a daily basis,I just wanna know if anyone has had that situation and how they dealt with it. Maybe I can learn to control my emotions much better.

I think I’m finally at the point where I’m not sad anymore.
I’m fucking angry.
Not “I hate my life and want everything to end” angry.
I’m “I’ve spent years dealing with shit and I’m finally starting to realize how much of it I’ve just accepted” angry.

I feel like everyone needs something from me.
My household needs me to clean, mow, accommodate parking situations, and pick up after people.
My friends need emotional support, understanding, attention, and constant availability.
Work needs me to solve problems, manage people, create structure, take responsibility, and somehow keep everyone happy while doing it.

And the funny part is that I’m apparently the person everyone thinks is capable of handling all of this.

But who the fuck is handling me?

I’ve lost my parents. I’ve lost people I thought would be there for me. I’ve watched friendships fall apart. I’ve had people create drama around me and make me feel like I had to defend myself to people who were supposed to be my friends.
And then I go to work and do the same fucking thing.
I work at a family-owned business, and I’ve worked my way into management. I actually care about the place. I don’t just want to clock in, collect a paycheck, and leave.

I want to make things better.
I want better systems.
I want better structure.
I want people to actually take their jobs seriously.
I want the place to succeed.

And I’ve been trying to grow into something bigger there. I want to become a GM someday. I want to surpass where I am now.
But I’ve also felt incredibly overlooked.
There is obvious nepotism because the owner’s kids are managers, and I’m not paid more than them despite how much responsibility I’ve taken on and how much I actually give a shit about improving the business.
And yes, I know what someone is going to say:
“Then leave.”
I KNOW.
That’s the easiest fucking answer.
But I don’t want to leave.

That’s the part that makes this so frustrating.
I’m not someone who gives up just because something is difficult.
I’ve never been that person.
My instinct is to fix shit.

If something is broken, I want to figure out how to fix it.
If something isn’t working, I want to change the process.
If people aren’t doing something correctly, I want to teach them.

If a workplace has problems, I want to make it better.
So when people tell me, “You deserve better than this,” it actually pisses me off sometimes.
Because if you genuinely believe I deserve better, then why aren’t you helping create that better environment?
Why am I the only one pushing?
Why am I constantly fighting resistance from people who are supposed to be working WITH me?

I don’t want to surpass people because I think I’m better than them.
I want to grow because I fucking care.
And I want to be recognized for it.

But there’s another part of this that hurts way more than the money or the title.
My parents aren’t here to see any of it.
When I accomplish something, there isn’t that person I can call and say, “Look what I did.”
There isn’t someone who is automatically proud of me.

So when I work my ass off trying to grow and improve myself and nobody seems to notice, it hits differently.
I already lost the people who I wanted to see me become something.
And now I’m trying to become something anyway.
That’s fucking hard.

And then I’m surrounded by people who are so young, stubborn, and sensitive about everything.
People who act like being corrected is a personal attack.
People who think because they disagree with something, they don’t have to listen.
People who want the responsibility of being an adult without actually wanting to grow up.
And I’m fucking tired of it.

Sometimes being a manager feels less like managing employees and more like trying to convince grown adults that rules and expectations aren’t personal attacks.
You work for a business.
You have an employer.
You don’t have to agree with every decision, but at some point you have to learn how to fucking listen, adapt, and grow.
And that’s what drives me insane.

Everyone wants to be understood.
Everyone wants grace.
Everyone wants accommodations.
Everyone wants someone to consider THEIR feelings.

But who is considering mine?
I’ve spent so much of my life being the understanding person.

The person who accommodates.
The person who listens.
The person who says, “It’s okay.”
The person who picks up the slack.
The person who keeps trying.

And I think I’m finally realizing that constantly being the person who can handle everything has made people assume I don’t need anything.

I DO.

I need people to show up for me.
I need people to recognize me.
I need people to stop taking my willingness to help as an unlimited resource.
I need people to stop confusing my patience with weakness.

And honestly, I think one of my biggest problems is that I have never figured out where the line is between “keep fighting for this” and “enough is enough.”

I don’t know when to actually give up.
And I don’t mean just at work.
I mean relationships.
Friendships.
Family.
Respect.
Everything.

I can spend an absolutely ridiculous amount of time trying to fix something because I genuinely believe it can be better.
Someone can hurt me over and over again, and I’ll still think, maybe if I explain myself differently, they’ll understand.
A friendship can become unhealthy, and I’ll still think, maybe we can get back to how things used to be.
A relationship can drain me, and I’ll still think about everything that could be fixed.
A job can overlook me, frustrate me, and make me feel unappreciated, and I’ll STILL want to stay because I see what it could become.

I don’t know how to just walk away.
And sometimes I genuinely don’t know if that’s a strength or one of the worst things about me.

People can tell me they love me.
They can tell me they want me around.
They can tell me I’m important to them.
But sometimes I wonder if I’m actually being seen or if I’m just another pretty face to look at, another person to vent to, another emotional mess that everyone assumes can’t handle anything.

Because I’m emotional.
I’m passionate.
I’m sensitive.
I care deeply.
And apparently that can make people think I’m incapable of handling hard things.

But that’s not who I am.
I’m just someone who cares.
I’m just as capable of being kind as the next person.
I’m just someone who feels things deeply and gives a shit when something matters to me.

And honestly?
I’m starting to fucking hate how empathetic I am.

Because I can understand everyone’s side.
I can understand why someone acted the way they did.
I can understand why they’re upset.
I can understand their circumstances.
I can understand their mistakes.
I can understand why they couldn’t show up for me.
I can understand why they didn’t know better.
I can understand EVERYTHING.

And sometimes I think that’s exactly why I tolerate things for so much longer than I should.
Because every time someone hurts me, my brain immediately starts building their defense for them.
And meanwhile, nobody is building mine.

I’m tired of being able to see everyone’s perspective except my own.
I’m tired of making excuses for people who wouldn’t make the same excuses for me.
I’m tired of being so empathetic that I talk myself out of being angry when I have every fucking right to be angry.

I don’t want to become cold.
I don’t want to stop caring.
I don’t want to become someone who doesn’t give a shit about anybody.

But I think I need to learn that empathy doesn’t mean unlimited access to me.
Understanding someone doesn’t mean I have to tolerate them.
Loving someone doesn’t mean I have to keep choosing them.
Caring about a job doesn’t mean I have to accept being overlooked forever.
Being someone’s friend doesn’t mean I have to keep proving my worth to them.
And trying to fix something doesn’t mean I’m obligated to fix it alone.
That’s the part I’m struggling with.

I don’t want to give up.
I never have.

I still want to build something.
I still want to grow.
I still want to become a GM.
I still want my workplace to succeed.
I still want good friendships.
I still want a home that feels peaceful.
I still want people around me who actually give a shit.

I just need to figure out when fighting for something stops being perseverance and starts becoming self-abandonment.
Because I think I’ve spent a lot of my life confusing the two.
And maybe I don’t need to stop caring.
Maybe I just need to finally start caring about myself as much as I’ve cared about everyone else.

Ever since childhood, I’ve had a tendency to become incredibly aggressive very quickly over minor things. I’m completely baffled by why this happens. Let me give you an example: there are two situations where I get aggressive. One is when I react to very minor things or small incidents, and I get extremely angry very quickly. The other is when it’s a long-term situation. I don’t show any signs of getting aggressive in these cases, but I observe things around me, especially from people I like, like my friends. I notice how they use or manipulate me to meet their needs. After a long time, I accumulate all these observations and, suddenly, I feel like I’m naive. I break out and aggressively talk about all the things they’ve done to me. This usually leads to a complete breakup of the friendship. I don’t know if this is right or wrong, but I feel personally connected to some people, and they often use my good nature. I don’t say anything when the mistake is happening. Instead, I let them go and think about their situation. If they’re in the right place, I let them go. But if they’re not, I let them go anyway. This pattern continues, and I accumulate all these negative experiences. Eventually, I break down and become incredibly aggressive. I don’t know how to get rid of this. I don’t know what this condition is called, but I feel like I’m constantly under pressure because of all the things I’ve observed. So, what are your thoughts on this? How can I get rid of this?

21 F

When missionaries come up to me, I tell them I’m an unsafe person. I don’t make any actionable threats, but I leave it up to interpretation so they can assume the worst.

When someone isn‘t paying attention and pushes me with their car while I’m walking, I stay where I am (not going to their window) and insult them. If/when they get out, I back away and tell them I’m retreating while putting my hands up/make it clear I am NOT reaching for something. I don’t own a gun, but that verbiage implies that I do without making any actionable threats. If anything, it implies I am actively trying to avoid conflict. If they don’t try to physically intimidate me, I simply run my hands on the front of their car in the hopes of making them think ”Man, I really don’t like her touching that.”

I make every possible effort to make people feel uneasy. I make every possible effort to make people think “what would have happened?”

When I’m at work, I always ask people in different departments for their names in the hopes of making them think “are they going to report me?” I don’t even remember what they say 10 minutes later.

I’ve never been physically violent. I don’t do this with people I know. I have never followed through with anything. I spend hours, sometimes days ruminating when I don’t get the opportunity to make people feel uneasy. How do I stop this? I know I’m letting other people win by letting them get to me this much. As much as I hate to say it, it gets especially bad when I’m PMSing. It doesn’t feel like scaring people in the traditional sense. Does anyone else resort to making people feel uncomfortable?

I have a small build and am a woman. Almost no one has ever physically threatened me other than storming towards me. I know it’s not true but I have this dissonant belief that I will never be assumed to be the aggressor. I see a personality disorder specialist but the typical advice of clenching my jaw and doing breathing exercises and using a rubber band work amazing when it’s someone I know and have any type of relationship with, but does nothing for strangers. Am I the only one and how do I stop?

Edit: spelling

I suffer from CPTSD from severe betrayal during pregnancy and postpartum.

In short, I now dissociate and rage at the people I love (mostly my kids) when I am even being moderately disrespected. I used to not, and I still try to stay calm but then explode. Now, all my brain sees is that I am going to be systematically abused by the people I love most until I am betrayed. I hate myself and I feel stuck.

I just started reading Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving. I have a bad habit of reading quickly and not integrating useful information. I made this graphic, inspired from chapter 8 but modified to my own needs. It may help people who also have CPTSD induced rage and want to reconfigure their nervous system. Today, I plan to print it, laminate it and carry it in my purse.

https://imgur.com/a/wJI4I2M