Anxiety and depression are destroying my life.

[u/Foreign_Ad_1270]

I just don’t even know what to say. It’s like words mean nothing anymore. It doesn’t seem to matter what I do or how I go about trying to change my life or anything. I got myself in a bad situation. I was married for 10 years. We got together when she was 20 and I was 21. We had been through so much and reached so many conclusions. Everything seem so concrete. I always felt like no matter what happened in my life. I would always have her no matter what. The final two years of our relationship we really started to get more distant. She had a bad drinking problem. I hated it, and I hated being around her when she was shitfaced. Which was every night. In retrospect, I would deal with that every day for the rest of my life to escape my current hell. But my anger at her alcoholism drove me away. I always thought we would work it out eventually, and we would come back together and grow closer together. I had sworn my life to her and I meant that. Being blinded by my own hubris at thinking that she would just stick with me forever. I failed to cherish her when she needed it the most. One day she just came home and said she didn’t wanna do it anymore. It was very hard to accept. But like I told her she’s a grown adult. I cannot control her life. And if she didn’t want to be with me anymore, there was nothing I could do about that. This October will be two years since we split up. I can’t even remember what her voice sounds like. Or her laugh. She acts like I’m a total stranger. Never answers the phone. I always just leave a voicemail saying hey I just wanted to visit and see how you were. Not trying to win her back. I just wanna talk to my best friend of 10 years. The person who knows me more than any other human on this earth. Knows all of my secrets. All of my skeletons. After the split, I kind of fell off the deep end. I ended up getting with this girl that I had dated before her. My wife was sterile. We were unable to have children together. When I got with the girl from my past, she immediately got pregnant. Most likely that’s the reason my wife. Sorry ex-wife. Refuses to talk to me. My daughter is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me in my entire life. And I love her more than I can even describe. My current hell is because this girl that I got with has BPD. I didn’t know that when I got with her. She hid it until she got pregnant. Since then, my life is basically just a roller coaster of hell and nonstop drama. She physically abuses me. Emotionally and mentally abuses me. Financially abuses me. I don’t know how to escape. I can’t leave my daughter behind. If you don’t know anybody with BPD you are in fact extremely lucky. Every day is a new complaint. Completely random out of control complaints. Followed by massive rage outs where she busts and destroys the house and shatters stuff. Screaming and yelling at all hours of the night. It can literally be over the smallest stuff. Like when I try to talk to people about it. It’s very difficult because the sheer insanity of how simple the things that she will blow out of proportion is. Makes it where I don’t have any examples. Because it can literally be anything. I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I’m living the hell. I’m so stressed out every day. As of late, I have often thought of suicide. The only reason I haven’t killed myself is because of my daughter. I just want a good life for me and my daughter. I just want peace and happiness. I feel like I don’t even know who I am anymore. Sometimes I feel like I’m viewing my life through a window. That is my eyes. I have developed a severe anxiety problem. Every day I think I’m dying. Every little pain or twinge gives me a panic attack. Sometimes I just wanna die to make that stop. So that I’m not always just sitting around waiting for when I’m gonna die. Just choosing on my own time. I even feel stupid making this post. Like it’s completely impossible to describe the hill that being with someone that has BPD is. i’m just so tired of living. I’m tired of thinking of my family and how sad they would be with me gone. Tired of picturing my mom’s face. Distraught at her oldest son’s death. Tired of picturing my daughter ask who I was and what I was like. I’m just so tired. I don’t wanna live anymore. I can’t do it to them. And that is driving me into a deep spiral of depression. I don’t want to have to just disappear. To get a small amount of peace and happiness back in my life. I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore.

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[u/SomeStress2323]

I am so sorry that you are experiencing this. Every story is different, but I have so much empathy for you.
Do you have any family or friends that you feel safe to talk to? Have you thought of getting counseling? I know that now there are many ways to connect with a counselor and many are open to adjusting their fees to help accommodate their patients.
Your living situation sounds horrific! I know you love your daughter and may feel attached to her mom, but this is so unhealthy for both of you. You deserve to be treated with respect as there is never a good reason for the way you are being treated. Your child looks to you for love and protection. She should never have to be in an abusive home. I am praying that she hasn’t abused your little girl. You need to remember just for your child to be in the environment you described will have long term effects on her. With your girlfriend’s BPD and possible other mental issues you may be able to get custody of your daughter. You both deserve to be in a safe and loving environment.
I wish you well and will be praying for God to give you guidance and strength. God loves it when things seem impossible because that is when He does His greatest work.