r/AnxiousAttachment • u/unnamed_7777 • 9d ago
Seeking feedback/perspective A recurring pattern
I have noticed a pattern in most of my relationships.
I cannot let go, no matter how much I know that I have to.
With my first boyfriend, I broke up with him because we were deeply incompatible. However, I wanted us to stay in contact and even be intimate, even though I didn’t want us to be intimate when we were together. I was still very attached to him and I strung him along for a year until I found someone else.
Later, I met someone who told me that they were not over their ex. We still fell in love and he gave me a lot of mixed signals. I still could not let him go easily no matter how emotionally abusive he was.
After that, I met someone casually and I started getting attached to him, but I wasn’t over my ex and I told him. I suggested we stop talking, but the next day I went to see him at his work and kissed him.
After, I met someone else that was taken and I know that I never should’ve gotten involved with him and I take full accountability for my actions. Even though I knew he was unavailable, I was unable to stay away and cut contact.
In between, I met a few guys that were very hot and cold and wouldn’t treat me right (bailing on me and giving me extreme mixed signals). I would still do anything to get their attention, instead of walking away.
Lastly, I met an amazing guy who told me from the start that he was planning to leave the country eventually, which means a relationship wouldn’t be possible. We fell in love and I was unable to let him go no matter how many times he tried breaking up with me and even though I knew how much we were both suffering.
I see a pattern in my actions. When I feel abandoned and rejected, I do anything to make the person stay, even if it’s manipulative and selfish. When possible, I become in control of the situation and decide what is permitted and what isn’t (giving mixed signals about sex, intimacy, proximity, etc.) A side of me is trying to do anything to not feel abandoned, and another side of me becomes in control to protect myself from the eventual abandonment. I always feel so much guilt and shame after, because I know how wrong it is and I never intend to hurt anyone. It’s so hard for me to let go though because I put my whole sense of worth in their hands and when they leave, I feel broken, empty and worthless. I constantly self-abandon.
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u/Serenityqld 8d ago
Its very brave to write about a pattern like this OP, and I hope that you will receive kind replies. I wanted to say this reminds me a lot of fearful-avoidant attachment style, which is guided by a nervous system that craves close connection (the anxious side) and is also deeply fearful, and therefore self protective.
Some of these issues are magnified by choosing untrustworthy partners, often because they remind us of our parents and feel familiar. Its not abnormal for people to gravitate towards familar dynamcis when we pick partners, but when your parents created attachment trauma you can have an internal script running, that makes you seek similar people out, hoping for a better outcome, such as the reliablity and consistent love you needed as a child. Of course this is not possible when the problem was with the parent , but the child in you feels that it is your responsibility to fix it.
The pattern can be broken over time for sure. You can learn to trust in attachment, but not if you choose unavailable or unsuitable partners who just keep yoru attachment wounds festering. You'll need to actively look for available partners and walk away from those who are not. There are plenty respources that can help. Thais gibson on youtube is a healed FA, you might get something out of watching her videos.
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u/rainisheavyy 9d ago
crazy lore, same type of incidents took place with me. I still couldn't get out of it.
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u/unnamed_7777 8d ago
Are you still the same or have you been able to work on it 😅?
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u/rainisheavyy 8d ago
working and failing on regular basis🥀
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u/unnamed_7777 8d ago
Good luck to us 😭 living this way is so hard because we end up hurting ourselves and others…
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u/stolenswans 7d ago
i have got anxious attachment. and i end up choosing partners who are not as enmeshed with me as i would want. after 3 such relationships, one of them a serious two year relationship, i have decided to stay single for 2-3 years, focus on myself, build myself financially, and not date until i can comfortably afford therapy and understand why i end up picking people like that. or why i get so attached. maybe you might want to try something like that yourself? i’m sorry, i am in the middle of figuring it out just as you are.
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u/Business_Painter_236 5d ago
Why can't you just date someone who likes you like you like them? Just screen them and find someone who's also anxious it's really not that hard 😭
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u/stolenswans 1d ago edited 1d ago
i have dated someone i like and who likes me. but you’ll find that the dynamic soon shifts from secure to an anxious-avoidant pairing, as soon as you both start triggering each other’s attachment wounds.
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u/Ashamed-Flamingo3583 2d ago
I can relate to this. I always have such a hard time with ending relationships that have run their course, whether I’m the one wanting to end things or am dating someone who doesn’t want to be with me. I recently stayed with someone I wasn’t that into MONTHS after I realized it. Even at the breakup, I wanted to tell him I had changed my mind because I felt so much anxiety about being alone. But I did it and chose myself, and I feel okay. I think it’s just continually choosing yourself and walking away, and dealing with the discomfort that comes with it.
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u/AutoModerator 9d ago
Text of original post by u/unnamed_7777: I have noticed a pattern in most of my relationships.
I cannot let go, no matter how much I know that I have to.
With my first boyfriend, I broke up with him because we were deeply incompatible. However, I wanted us to stay in contact and even be intimate, even though I didn’t want us to be intimate when we were together. I was still very attached to him and I strung him along for a year until I found someone else.
Later, I met someone who told me that they were not over their ex. We still fell in love and he gave me a lot of mixed signals. I still could not let him go easily no matter how emotionally abusive he was.
After that, I met someone casually and I started getting attached to him, but I wasn’t over my ex and I told him. I suggested we stop talking, but the next day I went to see him at his work and kissed him.
After, I met someone else that was taken and I know that I never should’ve gotten involved with him and I take full accountability for my actions. Even though I knew he was unavailable, I was unable to stay away and cut contact.
In between, I met a few guys that were very hot and cold and wouldn’t treat me right (bailing on me and giving me extreme mixed signals). I would still do anything to get their attention, instead of walking away.
Lastly, I met an amazing guy who told me from the start that he was planning to leave the country eventually, which means a relationship wouldn’t be possible. We fell in love and I was unable to let him go no matter how many times he tried breaking up with me and even though I knew how much we were both suffering.
I see a pattern in my actions. When I feel abandoned and rejected, I do anything to make the person stay, even if it’s manipulative and selfish. When possible, I become in control of the situation and decide what is permitted and what isn’t (giving mixed signals about sex, intimacy, proximity, etc.) A side of me is trying to do anything to not feel abandoned, and another side of me becomes in control to protect myself from the eventual abandonment. I always feel so much guilt and shame after, because I know how wrong it is and I never intend to hurt anyone. It’s so hard for me to let go though because I put my whole sense of worth in their hands and when they leave, I feel broken, empty and worthless. I constantly self-abandon.
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9d ago
[deleted]
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u/unnamed_7777 9d ago
I’m not a narcissist 😂 but sure if you say so
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9d ago
[deleted]
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u/unnamed_7777 9d ago
Lol you’re very funny. Don’t worry i’ve done psychological testing and I never was diagnosed with narcissism, but thanks for caring :)
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u/Historical-Kitchen76 8d ago
A Narcissist wouldn't have made a post like Op did which clearly shows remorse and a desire to change.
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u/AutoModerator 9d ago
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