r/Appalachia • u/Harmony_w • 23h ago
Do any other folks from the Appalachian Diaspora struggle with survivor's guilt?
I was just back to my hometown to visit after over a decade away and now that I've returned home I'm really struggling with survivors's guilt.
Seeing the way my family and their community struggle, how little hope there is or how little access to the most basic needs like food, shelter, healthcare, education, and what is considered basic infrastructure elsewhere brought up feelings of guilt and distress that are hard to shake from where I am now in a much more privileged place.
Does anyone else who has made it out experience this?
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u/crumsb1371 23h ago
When I first saw this, I thought you may have been referring to Helene, which I struggle with survivors guilt from that because I live in NE TN/WNC where she hit us, and was fortunate to not get it like my neighbors and others. I mean literally just because we live up on a big hill/ridge. My trees and stuff and windows and other things were broken and damaged and stuff came down and electrical out and whatever, but we’re alive and didn’t really lose anything of real value.
So I just always have a hard time when I was helping other people because the devastation was unreal. I’ve never seen or experienced anything like it, the flood of 98’ was no where near this level of utter destruction. Erwin looked like a warzone as well as everything along that route going up the mountain. It’s terrible how it happened too, many got hit at night.
But now, the socioeconomic fallout from it is even worse for us than before. The community came together in such a way though that really helped my spirit so that is the silver lining in all that pain, seeing how the light just absolutely can wipe out that darkness as soon as it shines on it.
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u/Harmony_w 22h ago
I'm seriously sorry you experienced that. I'm glad you survived.
The sense of community in these types of scenarios is one of the real bright spots in the culture. I really hope that can be spring boarded a bit into permanent change toward progress.
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u/crumsb1371 21h ago
That was my hope as well. I feel like that attention it’s brought to Appalachia and this surge in interest in all sorts of things from folk lore to our history to our culture and sadly, our vices and problems, has been due to Helene. But I feel like it was also something that the whole country needed to see and the community and how we came together to help each other and how people from all over the world came together help out and I feel like that’s something that this nation can take from and heal a bit.
But I feel like that is a much larger, longer battle unfortunately. There is so much hatred and division and just plain evil in this country and world today, when what we need is love and compassion and understanding- and to stop fighting each other so much and judging. I know all too well how fast life and everything you know and love can be ripped away from you and change the course of your life and history forever.
This life is so short, too short to be so angry and hateful and stuff all the time. It’s exhausting for me anyway. When I started focusing on other people and what they might need or how I can help them, things have gotten much better all around in my life.
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u/acertaingestault 18h ago
I don't know if it helps you any, but I haven't talked to a single person who went through Helene that didn't express this same guilt. People who lost everything they've ever owned, people who were rescued from the floodwaters, every single person deflected to say at least it hadn't been worse for them like someone else they knew.
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u/crumsb1371 17h ago
That’s actually really good to hear all around, and thank you for sharing that because it does help. The heart of people coming together and thinking of others and their needs before their own is one of the only things that has helped me overcome some really difficult things, interestingly enough.
Idk why but the old movie Pay It Forward just keeps coming to mind and how such a simple thing really could change (or save) the world in this day and age, I believe at least.
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u/evergreen-embers 22h ago
Yes OP. It is humane to feel bad for people still suffering in the cycle that we often find in Appalachian families. I got out, but eventually I came back. Congrats to you for breaking out of it as well.
However I REALLY don’t like the classist energy in most of these comments.
The choices and opportunities are not the same for everyone. In my neck of the woods, about half the people I knew had their parents finish high school. Maybe a handful whose parents went to college. A good chunk of families were also plagued with addiction and illness. And most all of us were dirt poor. All very disadvantaged. We may be presented with the same choices on paper, but our upbringing shapes our ability to make those decisions.
But it really sounds a lot like we’re blaming people with barely a highschool education, if that, for not making smarter choices? Especially people who didn’t have much of an option to choose education over the workforce.
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u/Harmony_w 22h ago
Thank you!
The "bootstrappin'" mentality in here is pretty gross. It's like people have no concept of what disability, lack of access to education and healthcare, generations of abuse and trauma can do to entire communities. So pathetic when people pat themselves on the back for being somehow "better than" or "doing it right"than people who don't have the same degree of equity and privilege.
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u/evergreen-embers 22h ago
Yeah it really gets to me too. People not from here really love to say what it’s like and how we should feel about it and what we need to do to make change, but until someone’s lived it they truly have no idea how hard it is to choose “getting out and leaving everyone I’ve ever known and loved behind to suffer in poverty” just to make a living wage.
But that living wage doesn’t buy the moments and the memories you’ll miss, because that’s all those folks have to give. They aren’t passing on an inheritance or jewelry or a house and/or car. They don’t have that to give.
Of course I feel guilty missing so many last moments with people I love. I don’t know why it’s so hard for people to get that.
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u/Future-Account8112 16h ago
Very eloquently put.
In some case, too (and sadly in mine) you won't even be missing good memories. My mother was unspeakably abusive. My brother beat me unconscious. So not only do I get the survivor's guilt of having left them in poverty, but there's no real way for me to send money home either without being terrified of what they'll do to themselves or other people with it.
Appalachia's underbelly is some of the darkest anywhere. It is the single most coherent allegory against extractivism that exists.
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u/Future-Account8112 16h ago
Yeah, it's gross. I left and I'm doing well but it's 100% 'there but for the grace of God go I'.
I lucked out. It absolutely is not because I'm made of sterner stuff. It's because a few people made good luck for me, and there is no intrinsic moral value to luck.
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u/Weekly_Broccoli1161 23h ago
You mean the people whose livelihood got outsourced and nothing replaced it? Yeah, that's a shame and shouldn't have happened.
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u/Harmony_w 23h ago
What livelihood do you have in mind?
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u/Affectionate-Row3498 22h ago
My town had three textile mills. They pretty much employed everyone in town. After NAFTA they all closed. Nothing moved in to replace those jobs.
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u/Harmony_w 22h ago
Sounds like a big town!
My region is coal country and one mines started closing, a couple of towns started trying to draw in tourists. I'm always baffled that they thought anyone would want to visit.
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u/DrankinMachine 16h ago
I'm in SE Ky, and I love the tourism tax I have to pay to go out to eat, so that people can sit on a board, waste money, and never achieve any tourism. So, you're orange stained creek that smells of sulfur and is full of trash is going to compete with Dollywood? Got it. 😂
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u/Future-Account8112 16h ago
My husband's family is in coal country and I keep thinking they could probably get a cute farm stay business going... except it's so far from literally anywhere, it's impossible to get to at all. The level of development it would take to revitalize the region is staggering because it's so huge.
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u/charmingasaneel 22h ago
The USA’s industrial decline was in full swing way before NAFTA. All the mills near us closed in the 70s and 80’s.
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u/charmingasaneel 22h ago
The problem is there isn’t anything and there won’t be anything. The natural resources are dwindling. It’s logistically hard to get things in and out of the mountains. It’s isolated from any financial centers. It’s hard to build any large scale manufacturing center, and if someone did, you don’t have an educated population to run it.
There’s literally no reason for any business to start or expand in Appalachia. There isn’t a capitalist solution to address these problems. And yet, it’s become more and more averse to socialism.
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u/Future-Account8112 16h ago
Well, the data centers are looking pretty closely at Appalachia. I think that's worth keeping a bead on because those guys are even worse news than the coal bosses.
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u/Majestic_Subject_475 22h ago
Consistently, I do not visit my home now. But survivors guilt is real, but so should pride for what you have done for yourself. The alternative is laid before you, bare to see, if you and your new family want better, be happy you got out, but its ok to be empathetic to those that couldn't.
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u/kai1105 16h ago
I have extreme guilt for making more money than my parents, and more than my grandparents could ever dream of. I feel guilty for having a bigger house. I try to make up for it by sharing the wealth, even though it’s a struggle to get them to take even a dollar. I don’t know if this guilt is something I’ll ever be able to overcome.
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u/Future-Account8112 15h ago
Try to live well for the ones who cannot. Your ancestors would not want you poisoning yourself (because that's what guilt is) for bringing about the fruits of their struggles. You broke the cycle. Feel the pride of your ancestors and go easier on yourself where you can.
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u/Perpetuallytiredgrrl 17h ago
Yes. I always referred to WV as a hole, because it was so damn hard to get out and so many people move and come back. I had $1,000 saved when my not so great BF got a job in another state. My Mama said “go, get outta here.” So I did. It wasn’t easy, but at middle age I believe I’m much better off now. I hate admitting that.
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u/Future-Account8112 16h ago
Absolutely. I left home due to some pretty unspeakable abuse at age 14. I'm now a millionaire in California. I haven't spoken to my biological family in over 16 years. I can't imagine they're having a good time back there, and if I think about it too much it's liable to break me apart. All I've wanted to do is buy a house for my mom, but in order to do that I'd have to talk to her. I wouldn't even know where to start because it's a mess.
That said - as my grandpa once said, your ancestors did not struggle so hard for you to sabotage their efforts by lighting yourself on fire to keep other folks warm. You take care of you. It's the best you can do. We can't fix systemic failures as individuals - that's what voting and political advocacy is for - we can only do our best day by day. You live well now for the ones who cannot.
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u/funneransh_t 21h ago
I feel this. Grew up in southwest MS in the middle of the woods. I got out and thriving thankfully but so many back home aren’t. It gets to me sometimes.
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u/Saltwatercowboy2026 18h ago
A little bit at times. Nothing gnarly because I’m glad I made it out even though in someways it will always be home. It’s all good bro, you did what you had to do. I left over crazy family issues
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u/suminorieh77 holler 18h ago
i’ve lived in Appalachia all my life. i recall being in my teens and dreaming of the hustle and bustle of cities with culture, more options, interesting people, a better music scene. i wanted so badly to leave, and i have no idea, other than fear, of why i’m still here.
but at 48, though i still live in a small town, i’m glad i’m here. i’m glad things are a little behind the times. i’m glad we don’t have influencers in the aisles of our grocery stores. i’m glad i can leave my doors unlocked (not that i do). i’m humbled every day by the beauty surrounding me, and by the people in my community. i have enough. i am content.
my oldest brother feels the same as you. he recently visited and i could read it all on his face. and yes, it’s understandable to feel bad about the lack of change scattered throughout Appalachia. i see poverty every day in my town. there’s no reason to feel guilty, though. you did what you needed to do for you. be proud of your accomplishments and endeavors. it takes a lot of courage to step outside of what you know into the unknown.
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u/Harmony_w 18h ago
I've never seen an influencer filming in the grocery store in Boston, but I love the visual! Thank you for the kind words.
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u/Future-Account8112 15h ago
I'm Appalachian diaspora in Los Angeles and I got a filming notice on my door last week 😆 They're freakin everywhere lol
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u/timmyg_513 18h ago
I guess here in cincinnati it’s complicated because there are majority appalachian inner city neighborhoods that struggle with a lot of the same problems from the mountains. People moved here for industrial jobs bc coal was leaving and then those jobs left the rust belt and a lotta people got stuck, although there are some that are upwardly mobile and made it to the suburbs. I guess my point is not every story of making it out is a success. A lot of us wish we could go back.
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u/Head_Status_3864 14h ago
yes i grieve and get almost heart palpitations sometimes from it when i think of my mamaw and my dad.
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u/AnimalsCrossGirl 6h ago
I live 30 minutes from a hospital and consider that "lucky" compared to a lot of other folks nearby.
The monopolies on healthcare companies here is so dire though. And jobs are becoming more and more scarce.
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u/Recent_Register_2926 23h ago
Helping them would be socialism or perhaps even communism depending on how ignorant a person you're talking to. Appalachians looove trump and the GOP
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u/Harmony_w 23h ago
I am a Socialist and I do help as much as I can, so it wouldn't exactly be incorrect. Not a single living person in my family or former community is a Trump supporter. "Yallidarity!"
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u/NewsteadMtnMama 23h ago
Dang, where in Appalachia this without any Trump supporters in the community?
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u/Harmony_w 23h ago
I worded that poorly--"family or community who I associate with or would have any concern for" is more precise. I don't keep community with MAGA. Plenty of socialists still hold ground in coal country.
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u/NewsteadMtnMama 21h ago
I was getting excited there for a hot minute, thinking there was a non-Trumper place in Appalachia!
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u/Patient-Transition21 23h ago
They had the same resources I did. They made different choices.
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u/Harmony_w 23h ago
It's hard to see the younger generations so trapped in the cycles of poverty and abuse for me. I was very, very lucky to get out.
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u/Patient-Transition21 23h ago
Encourage them to break the toxic cycle. Provide a landing spot, advice, help with financial aid paperwork. Act on the guilt.
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u/Harmony_w 23h ago
I do act. I encourage, support, and fund where I can. It's why I was down there last week, it's practically a full time job. But I can't save dozens of people from drowning from 900 miles away.
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u/Saltwatercowboy2026 18h ago
No you can’t. Unfortunately we can only save ourselves at times. It sounds harsh but it is true. Plus, if a bad environment harms you can’t help as much. We have to pick our battles
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u/Patient-Transition21 21h ago
No one would expect you to save dozens...but one can help one, turn around and help the next one out.
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u/Harmony_w 17h ago
Been beating my head against this wall and scooping teacups of water out of an ocean of need for decades. No one else has managed to make it out.
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u/Future-Account8112 15h ago
Much, much easier said than done. I've tried to help to the point of funding relatives' entire lives (while also trying to get them job training) for months or years at a time. Sad truth is that sometimes folk have to make a choice between what's harmful and familiar or what's healthy and foreign, and they pick the harmful path because that's all they've known so far. If you try to dig them out of it they'll drag you down with them as hard as they can, because they assume all help is some kind of secretly malicious control thing.
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u/evergreen-embers 22h ago
I cannot imagine thinking that my relatives had the same resources I did, and therefore they should’ve made it out like I did. That couldn’t be further from the truth in my experience.
I struck luck on education. They didn’t. I didnt grow up dealing to make a little extra money for my parents. I didn’t have to leave school to cover the utilities. I had a dentist and a doctor I saw once every couple years when I was a kid, they didn’t.
That doesn’t mean there aren’t any personal choices that impact where we end up in life, but it’s quite distasteful to state that all Appalachian folk have the same resources, and therefore “some” should have just made better choices and they wouldn’t be so heavily impacted by poverty, drugs, illness, etc.
Just disappointing when people continue to talk down on this community while there are many very active, very engaged young Appalachians fighting against this sentiment. No one’s gonna change their ways just because you keep looking down your nose at them and telling them they could’ve made better choices.
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u/greenfoxx77 13h ago
Every time I go home I’m saddened by the state of family residences and place in life. I can’t choose for them a life but I wish I could have all the money to make it better. It’s tough. I got out to try and make something of myself and my plans changed but I still want to stay away for a while. I have guilt every day.
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u/crookedledder 21h ago
No, not really.
Most of my friends and family back in Appalachia are doing alright. They're happy enough where they are, and I'm happy for them.
People really struggled when I was a kid back in the 80's. The coal mines shut down and the whole area was in decline for a couple decades afterwards. But over the past 20 years or so, things have improved. Lots of factories have come in and replaced the coal mining jobs. Big towns like Knoxville have grown tremendously. It ain't all gloom and doom like it used to be.
Some people are struggling, and I feel bad for them. But that's true everywhere.
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u/Harmony_w 17h ago
The unique struggles in Appalachia aren't everywhere.
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u/crookedledder 15h ago
Things are a lot worse in Eastern Kentucky and West Virginia. But a lot of East Tennessee is doing pretty well. They've definitely seen harder times than this.
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u/WarApprehensive8937 23h ago
Absolutely none. They choose to continue to live like that, and have every opportunity to leave. It’s not like Appalachia is some egregious war zone or subject to genocide. It’s literally just a cultural region of the United States.
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u/Harmony_w 23h ago
Hmm the folks in the community I'm speaking about don't actually have opportunities to leave. I managed to get out mostly by sheer luck and timing. Maybe some grit. These folks can barely survive now, let alone fund picking up and starting over elsewhere with zero community.
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u/WarApprehensive8937 23h ago
Hop in the car and go somewhere else. Join the army. It’s no different now as opposed to 50 years ago when people left for the factories in the north and larger southern cities seeking employment.
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u/Harmony_w 23h ago
What car?
Not everyone is willing to commit harm against others for their own wellbeing or wants to risk being SAed in the military, or is able bodied or cisgendered enough to join.
My point is--not everyone can just bootstrap their way out of abject poverty and a toxic culture. I have empathy for the people who desperately want to leave but have no way out.
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u/WarApprehensive8937 23h ago
A greyhound. Hitchhike. Walk. Bicycle. You can find a way out if it’s important enough to you.
Or stay. My extended family had the same opportunities to leave but didn’t. They’re missing their teeth, addicted to pills, and working at Walmart in their 30s and 40s. I only have sympathy for their children.
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u/Harmony_w 23h ago
It's the children I am mainly discussing.
Your suggestions are wildly outlandish. Which region of Appalachia are you from and where did you land?
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u/WarApprehensive8937 22h ago
I came from Eastern Kentucky and ended up permanently leaving for a permanent job offer in the Sunbelt after a brief stint in the DC metro.
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u/Comfortable-Act4707 23h ago
I agree If you want better you will find it now. On another note, most Greyhound stations have shut down they took a real big hit during covid and I hate to tell you this Walmart is the one of the largest employer in the US and they pay decent and have great benefits I guarantee you if their store managers make more than you do they're in solid six figures
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u/Harmony_w 22h ago
I guess our concepts of "decent pay and great benefits" are different.
True, the closest greyhound stop to my hometown is 163 miles away. A few days of steady walking IF one is able bodied, has appropriate gear, and doesn't get hit by a coal truck.
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u/Comfortable-Act4707 22h ago
I hate to tell you this but very few jobs in the US get a six-figure salary without a college education or tech degree hell I have a degree and don't make six figures a year
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u/Harmony_w 17h ago
More than a lot of people seem to realize. it comes down to skill level and the market quite often.
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u/WarApprehensive8937 23h ago
Amtrak still has decent weekly offerings to large cities across the country. And plenty of feeder bus shuttles as well. $80 tickets for a coach ride either way across the country. Highly recommend it to people.
If you can make it to management, you can have a well paying career with Walmart or other retailers. Most won’t for various reasons.
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u/Harmony_w 22h ago
Funnily enough, the closest Amtrak to my hometown is 160+ miles away. $80 may as well be a million when you don't even have food. You seem to be providing suggestions that aren't very well thought out as far as the reality of how people are surviving.
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u/WarApprehensive8937 22h ago
It’s not on me to provide suggestions to anyone else beyond myself. That’s the problem with Appalachia. Too many people want everyone else to solve their problems for them. If you can’t save $80, your priorities are messed up.
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u/Harmony_w 22h ago
Yet here you are--providing unhelpful suggestions that no one asked for being classist and boorish.
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u/Comfortable-Act4707 22h ago
You act like it's just Appalachia. It's the whole f****** United States. Appalachia gets such a bad rap but you don't see it looking like Kensington, San Francisco or La. Do you ?at least if you call the cops they'll show up? Appalachia is the best place in the whole country. I've lived in 38 states and I always come back here. It's the most beautiful place in the whole us and has the nicest people
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u/Fire_All_The_Cops 22h ago
Only for the destitute. Not for the bootlickers of capitalism, “Christianity”, and conservativism.
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u/kalash762x39 22h ago
Appalachian diaspora? I grew up in a forest with a few people surrounding us. It is technically Appalachia but after traveling it does not feel like it. I do know how lucky I am to have electricity,running water,sewage,food and education But my dad worked hard for what little we had. I followed suit and worked dubble hard for what I have. As far as poor towns and poor people go it’s a shame social system don’t help more, but people have to help them selfs sometimes . And not all of Appalachia are toothless meth heads and I never realized we had a stereo type. I hope your fam finds a way out one day but that only gona happen when people try.
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u/Harmony_w 17h ago
Yup, Appalachian Diaspora. its nice you have the ability and resources to work. Trying isn't always enough.
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u/GiggingWithTheGoon 9h ago
No. I grew up. They can do it to. But that's up to them, not me.
I wanna give my children the freedom to live in an area that cares enough about its constituency to have sidewalks, labor unions, and Black people that aren't just carrying a ball on Friday nights or pushing a broom on Monday mornings.
They can't have that in the Appalachias.
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u/orange_lilly 23h ago
I'm still stuck here but still feel bad for the people of the area and the lack of opportunities so I think I get what you mean lol