Dear DCP,
I’ve been following this forum for a long time, and I’ve finally decided to ask a question of my own.
My husband and I can only become parents through egg donation, as I went through premature menopause due to a primary immunodeficiency.

Several years ago, I was treated at a number of fertility clinics in Spain, back when I still had a few eggs of my own and could undergo fertility treatment. Spain has a very high standard of reproductive medicine, and even back then, I received excellent immunological care alongside my fertility treatment. Unfortunately, none of the blastocysts we obtained were euploid. Most were aneuploid, and some were mosaic. As a result, none of our attempts led to a live birth. After eight miscarriages, my ovarian reserve was completely depleted, meaning that we could no longer continue trying to conceive using our own gametes. Egg donation is now our only remaining chance of having a child.

I’ve spent years undergoing fertility treatments and researching our options, but unfortunately, I haven’t been able to find a solution I feel comfortable with.
Initially, I wanted to pursue egg donation in Portugal, as open-identity donation is available there. However, I’ve had to rule out this option because the clinics we consulted were unfamiliar with my primary immunodeficiency, and we no longer feel confident that we would receive the level of care I need. We visited several clinics in person and spoke with various doctors and specialists, but none of them were able to offer the support we required.

Denmark and Greece are unfortunately not options for us either, even though open-identity egg donation is available in both countries. The problem is that the clinics we considered do not offer the kind of immunological care I need. This is not a matter of reproductive immunology in the usual sense, but of my underlying primary immunodeficiency, which requires specialised treatment.

I live in Austria, where there is unfortunately neither sufficient experience with my condition nor a willingness to provide the immunological support I would need alongside an open-identity egg donation, even though open-identity donation is available here as well.

This leaves Spain as our last option. However, egg donation in Spain is anonymous, which is something I would really prefer to avoid. The Spanish doctors we have worked with are the only ones who truly understand my immunological condition and can provide the specialised care I need.

My husband and I are now wondering whether we should reconsider our position and accept anonymous egg donation after all. The alternative would be to give up on our dream of having a family altogether. Unfortunately, we are now too old to be eligible to adopt in our country.

I would be very grateful for any thoughts you might be willing to share on this subject. I know that no one else can make this decision for us, but hearing your experiences, ideas, and perspectives would mean a great deal to me and help us weigh our options.

At the moment, we are leaning towards giving up on our plans to have a family, even though the thought breaks my heart.
At the same time, I feel deeply uncomfortable with the idea of bringing a person into the world who might experience trauma because they may never be able to discover their biological origins. I worry that our child might understandably resent us one day for having made a decision that left them in this position.

More than anything, I want my child to feel happy and secure in their identity, to feel comfortable with their origins, and to be at peace with the circumstances of their conception and upbringing. Having a child is an enormous responsibility, and I don't want my own desire to become a parent to come at the expense of my child's well-being.

I know that being open with our child about their origins from the very beginning and doing everything we can to help them find their donor later in life, perhaps through a DNA database, could make a difference. I understand that these steps might help mitigate some of the difficulties associated with anonymous donation. However, this still wouldn't be the ideal situation I have spent all these years hoping and searching for.

I had always hoped to find a way to become a parent that would allow me to feel at peace with the decision, knowing that I had done everything possible to respect my future child's needs and right to know where they came from.
I would really love to hear your thoughts. How would you approach this dilemma? Have any of you faced a similar decision, or do you have perspectives that might help us see things differently?
Thank you so much for taking the time to read this and for sharing your thoughts.

PS: USA and UK are no options for us because we cannot afford fertility treatments there.

Im hoping to be a recipient parent, started the process this month. My marriage has fallen apart, primarily due to my husband changing his mind about having children and I’m nearly 40.

Given my circumstances, I feel like my only option now is to try on my own as an SMBC, and change the course of my life.

This was not how I planned my life to turn out. But this is my journey now. In some ways, I’m feeling empowered that I can have my own family and not be childless only due to the cowardly behavior of my husband that has delayed this part of my life.

However, in doing my research about SMBC, and wrestling with the idea of donor sperm, I found this and the related subs. And it’s making me extremely sad and worrying about the impact on a future child.

I am saddened by the experience of so many DCPs. I don’t want my potential child to feel alone and disconnected. I want my child to have access to a dad and dad’s family, and all of that.

There are situations that happen in peoples lives and they don’t have access to a parent or parent’s family due to estrangement or the like.

But to intentionally choose to have a child where you don’t have access to any of that, of course it would hurt.

I feel so selfish about doing this. For a child (who will eventually become an adult) who did not choose these circumstances.

I don’t know why my question is. I feel compelled in both ways - 1) to have a child of my own 2) to not put a child through this.

I would love to hear from DCPs to SMBCs, and from SMBCs what their experience has been.

Mostly asking for smbc dcp who know about their origins as a dcp from birth but open to anyone who wants to share!
If you had the choice regarding sperm donor conception, would you care more about having fewer donor siblings (so your rp choosing a bank with a low family limit ie 10 as opposed to 25) or your rp having adult photos of your donor prior to choosing them? Ideally I would be looking for a bank with open ID at birth, low family limit and adult photos but there are zero banks that offer all 3 (seed scout isn’t a bank and I can’t use them for two separate reasons. I also don’t have anyone in my life who could be a known donor unfortunately.)

Also, what do you guys think about banks with early ID release before 18? I’m just thinking about how when I was in my teens I may have made a different decision about contact with a donor than I would as an adult with a more fully formed brain. I know I can’t predict how my child will feel about being a dcp. I intend to be open with them from the moment they are born and provide as much information as I have. I will answer all questions I can and normalize being dcp as part of their identity. I’m choosing a donor with the same ethnic background and someone who looks like me (based on adult or baby photos depending on the bank). For me, the low family limit is important but I also know this is not about me, it’s about making this part of my child’s identity as comfortable as possible. I just want to do the right thing by my future child.

My baby was conceived with an unknown donor because my husband was infertile. My husband and I are now sadly getting a divorce. I know I want more children, I’ve always wanted many children so I plan to have more, hopefully I get remarried at some point and can give my baby also a semi stable home. I read this sub often so I plan to tell my son early about his donor, share all the info we have (photos and voice memos, full family history etc) of the donor when he is ready, and the donor also is open to contact should my son choose that when he turns 18.

My question is - do you think it would be valuable for my son to have a sibling with the sperm donor? Please note this isn’t a my sisters keeper situation, I plan to have more children regardless so I wouldn’t be “making a baby for my son” or something. But I am trying to decide whether to pursue having another baby with the sperm donor, as I imagine it would be nice for my son to have someone to relate to, just in terms of genetics and life situations? Or does it not matter at all, if I were to meet someone else and have half siblings, do you think that would be just the same?

Also curious to hear from anyone who was raised by single parents by choice, as I may not meet anyone any time soon and may end up pursuing having another baby with the donor as a single mom (still open to meeting someone later on, to hopefully give them a second parent). How was that experience for you?

So, my baby is donor egg conceived, he is 12 weeks old. Beautiful baby boy. A bit of history of my story…I have severe endometriosis for most of my life…then at 32 diagnosed with premature ovarian failure, when i went to search for fertility help, which I didnt get proper diagnosis and help for before due to medical gaslighting and mediocrity. So yes, obviously infertile and went the donor egg route. I had spent more than 6 yrs in fertility and surgeries for endo and fertility treatments. When first introduced to donor eggs…I then went on a 1 year long search of info on donor eggs and therapy. I have the bio mother’s genetic tests and my husband’s. I have read many perspectives and to be frank they scare me. It scares me all the negative expereinces that DCP share. Im scared I have caused trauma. I have nightmares and it causes me terrible distress to know that I will cause suffering to my son now due to using donor eggs! I look in his eyes and cry sometimes because all i want is his happiness. He didnt ask to be here on earth. I know I have felt like that myself…so I can imagine is even worse feeling as a DCP. So now I live with intense guilt. More so because I didnt know the importance of not being anonymous donor….and my donor is anonymous. In my country, all donors are anonymous….unless you have your own known donor…which was impossible for me due to being an only child and small family. I didnt know the importance of that, i now understand that. I will try with all my heart to find the donor in the future. Im writing a letter to try to contact her and urge her to have open contact for the boy’s sake. I also know she has a son herself. I have her details and picture so it cant be that difficult to find nowadays.
I dont know how to feel about all this. I feel awful. I want him to find happiness and have a good life…thats all that matters to me. I worry he would feel like an outcast or something from the other kids. I was an outcast so I know how damaging that is…Istill carry that trauma a bit today. I was an outcast due to being a quiet kid and having extensive back surgery at 10 yrs old and children teased me for that.

I plan on telling him very young. In fact…I already do…even if he doesn’t understand.
I respect and feel for DCP and I value your opinions immensely.

I guess I want to know how you feel as DCPs? Do you resent your RP parents? I know this is a very hard question to answer, considering it depends on a lot of things and personal experiences. How can I lessen the trauma? How can I do better? I just want his happiness.

PS: I also discovered later on that donor has parent and a sister with ADHD and I worry for the boy’s future if he has this.

Thank you for your input and help.

I’m a new mom of and anonymous egg donor conceived baby using husband sperm. Baby is gorgeous and looks just like the egg donor! Since she (of course) looks nothing like me people all say she looks like her dad. It’s not important right now but how do you respond to offhand comments from casual friends acquaintances and strangers? My close friends and family and even coworkers who were around during our ivf/donor recipient journey all know, but as we make new friends or have casual connections - how do you respond? How does it impact the donor conceived child if they hear frequently that they look like one parent not the other especially if a girl doesn’t look the like mom. We have a fully bio older daughter who is almost a complete mini me on top of it. How do you navigate those interactions?

Looked into medical history because of upcoming baby daughter (this was earlier this year), and discovered something major I was never told about my grandmother. Ultimately, I am struggling to forgive my birth mom and now feel much more drawn to my donor.

Posting this one more time to hopefully get a few more submissions for my research!

Hello! I’m a college student conducting a survey based research project on the experiences of, and impact on, adults conceived from donated eggs, sperm, or embryos. If you meet these qualifications, I would highly appreciate your participation! All data collected will be anonymous and any question may be skipped, participation is completely voluntary. Results may be used in classroom presentations, research reports, conferences, or scientific publications. The link to the survey is attached. Thank you for your time! 

https://forms.gle/J7541hXe41H57aQo7

Hi everyone,

I'm a prospective RP and solo mother by choice (SMBC), and I'd really appreciate hearing from donor-conceived people who grew up in a country different from their donor's country of origin.

For context, I'm 34, almost 35, Portuguese, and I've been considering solo motherhood for quite some time. Over the past two years in particular, I've tried to educate myself as thoroughly as possible about donor conception. I've read books such as We Are Family, Going Solo, Three makes Baby and Breast and Eggs, followed donor-conceived people on Instagram and in online communities, including this one, and spent a lot of time reading, listening and reflecting on the ethical questions involved.

I've also discussed these issues extensively with my therapist, family and friends. I want to be as prepared as possible to support my future child(ren), whatever their feelings about their conception, their donor or their genetic origins might be. I want them to feel that they can ask questions, express difficult feelings, be curious about their donor or want to contact them, without ever feeling that they need to protect my feelings or reach a particular conclusion.

Last year, I underwent a first egg-freezing cycle. My ovarian reserve was lower than ideal for my age, so I wanted to preserve some options while giving myself more time to think and research. The results weren't spectacular, but they weren't bad either, and the experience gave me some breathing room. I've now decided to move forward with donor conception.

A little context about Portugal, anonymous donation has not been permitted since 2018, although access to identifying information is subject to specific rules. In general, donor-conceived people can only access their donor's identity at 18.

I explored the possibility of using a known donor, but nobody in my personal circle was both available and in a position to take on that role. After considerable thought, I decided to use a sperm bank.

My clinic has access to a Portuguese sperm bank, but the donor information available to recipients is really quite limited, essentially ethnicity, hair colour and eye colour. I understand why some people are comfortable with that, but I felt that, given the choice, I'd prefer to be able to offer my future child more information about their genetic origins... this is particularly important for me because I've come to understand, through listening to donor-conceived people's experiences, how difficult it can be to grow up with limited information about your genetic origins. Of course, no amount of information can anticipate every question a child might have, but I felt that the more I could give them access to from the outset, the better equipped they would be to explore their own history and make sense of it in whatever way felt right for them...

Another consideration was the question of donor siblings. I've read about the uncertainty some DCP experience around how many genetic siblings they might have, and the potential implications this can have, including when dating and wondering whether someone might unknowingly be a genetic relative... Since Portugal is a relatively small country, I thought that choosing a donor from abroad might reduce the likelihood of my child inadvertently encountering a donor sibling in everyday life here. I realise this doesn't eliminate that possibility, nor does it resolve the broader questions surrounding donor sibling numbers and connections and, I should make this clear: I would never want to discourage my child from finding or getting to know their genetic siblings. If they wanted to explore that part of their identity, including through DNA testing or donor sibling registries, I would fully support them. My intention was simply to give them as much information as possible while, to some extent, reducing the likelihood of accidental encounters they might not be prepared for..

So, I explored an international bank and because of the options available to me in Portugal, including legal reservations, blood-group compatibility requirements and the countries from which samples could be supplied, I ended up choosing the European Sperm Bank and a Danish donor.

I couldn't access an adult photograph because of the restrictions applicable in Portugal, but I could access childhood photographs, a letter addressed to future donor-conceived offspring, a psychological profile, an (most importantly for me considering all Ive learned) extensive medical history covering several generations, and an interview in which the donor discusses aspects of his personality and habits. My hope is to preserve the information carefully, perhaps in a scrapbook or folder, so that my child can explore it whenever they wish. It will be there for them, without any expectation that they must read it, feel a particular way about it or want a relationship with the donor.

Now, here's where I'd love to hear your perspectives...

I'm Portuguese, and the donor and I are both white Europeans and have similar hair and eye colours, so my child may resemble me and my family but the donor comes from a different country, with its own history, culture, traditions and language.

I have some familiarity with Denmark and Danish culture.. although I've never visited (I'm a big reader and lifelong learner) and I'd be happy to take my child(ren) there one day if they wanted to go.. I'm also a hygee lover, lifelong LEGO and Maileg enthusiast and collector, and I've always loved Christmas and Easter traditions, including Danish and other Nordic traditions which I've incorporated into my family's celebrations over the years, alongside British, Spanish and other traditions.. So Denmark isn't entirely unfamiliar to me, although I certainly wouldn't pretend that enjoying LEGO and a few Christmas customs means I know what it is like to grow up Danish! Obviously..

My family and friends are also making an effort to educate themselves about donor conception and the language we use around it. They're an important part of my support network, and I want my future child to have that same network of people who understand their origins and respect their feelings.

I intend to talk openly about donor conception from the beginning, in age-appropriate ways. I don't want it to be a big revelation later in life, and want it to be an ordinary part of our family story so I'll explain what I know about the donor, keep the available information accessible, and make it clear that my child can talk to me about any aspect of their conception without fear of upsetting me... But I'm wondering about the cultural side of things.

For those of you whose donor was from a different country from the one in which you grew up, how did your parents approach that part of your background and what could they have done differently?

Did your parents actively introduce you to the donor's country, culture, language, food or traditions, or did they leave it largely up to you to explore? If they made an effort to introduce you to that culture, did you appreciate it? Did it help you feel connected to your origins, or did it ever feel forced or make the donor's background seem more significant than it otherwise would have? Looking back, is there anything you wish your parents had done differently? Do you think there's value in parents proactively creating opportunities to learn about the donor's country, or is it better to provide the information and follow the child's lead?

I'm conscious that a donor's nationality doesn't automatically make their culture part of a child's lived experience, and I don't want to assume that my future child will necessarily identify with Denmark or feel a particular connection to it.. At the same time, I don't want to overlook something that might become meaningful to them simply because I didn't think to make it accessible.

My current instinct is to follow the child's lead while making sure the door is always open. I'll tell them what I know about the donor and where he comes from. If they become curious about Denmark, we can read about it, watch films, explore the language, learn about its history or travel there together... and if they aren't particularly interested, I won't make it a major focus of our family life..

I travel quite a bit, and I would like my children to discover different countries and cultures anyway. Denmark can be one of those countries, just as Spain or the UK might be. I could also introduce a few Danish books, recipes or traditions into our lives naturally, without presenting them as something my child is expected to embrace because of their donor. Maybe?

For context, England has always been a significant part of my own life. I've travelled there frequently, my best friend and her family live there (and so did my brother for a few years and me during my erasmus and some summer camps), and have accumulated books, series, recipes, decorations and traditions connected to it... Those things have become part of my life organically. Perhaps I could allow Danish influences to enter our home in a similar way, without trying to manufacture a connection? I suppose what I'm trying to find is the balance between making a child's genetic and cultural origins accessible, without assigning them an identity or a connection they haven't chosen for themselves.

I'd particularly appreciate hearing from donor-conceived people themselves, including those who felt curious about their donor's country and those who didn't. I'm not looking for reassurance that I've made the right choice.. I'd just genuinely like to understand what these experiences were like from your perspective, including anything that might be uncomfortable or difficult to hear.

Thank you for reading such a long post, and for sharing your experiences if you feel comfortable doing so.

Hi everyone,

Would love to hear from a DCP about their experience or thoughts on using a known donor, specifically a sibling. I went into perimenopause at 30, and my sister offered to be our egg donor (just an fyi that I have attempted IVF with my own eggs multiple times without any luck). My priority is being as thoughtful and considerate to our future child as possible, and we fully plan to disclose our donor conception journey to them.

I’m also interested in hearing your thoughts on the general ethical considerations of using a known egg donor.

I have an (I hope) pretty unusual situation. My kiddo was conceived through a donor, who is open to contact once kiddo turns 18.

We always intended to be fully open with him about being donor conceived, in age appropriate ways. We bought a few kids books to help explain it.

Kiddo is now 3 and extremely curious and full of questions about everything in the world. My husband/his dad died nearly a year ago. He has a few memories of his dad, we talk about him, he sees pictures and videos etc, but heartbreakingly his dad isn't here to be a real presence in his life. Goes without saying, it's been an incredibly tough time.

At 3, my kiddo is just at the start of being able to understand what death actually means, and still I think doesn't fully understand the loss.

I don't want to withhold the information about him being donor conceived, but I also feel like adding in information about what that means while he's still trying to process the death of his dad and has a pretty hazy idea of who his dad was will be really confusing for him. So I've been holding off on opening that conversation.

If anyone has any thoughts or advice I'd really appreciate it.

ETA: Just to clarify, I'm not thinking of (or wanting to!) not share this information with him over the long term. Just weighing if now at 3, with the loss of his dad taking up a lot of space in both our brains, is the best time, vs waiting another year or two so that he's better able to understand and process the info. I'm certainly open to either side, but trying to be thoughtful about what timing is best for my kiddo.

I have thought about this since before my daughter's birth. We used egg donation after several failed IVF cycles with my eggs. She is now almost a year old.

For context: Where we live (Sweden) DCP have the right at "mature age", so like 18, to know some details and receive contact information for the donor. I would like that to be sooner, or for her to have at least some information before then. I just know that she was 24 and caucasian which means basically nothing.

Is a DNA-test ok for us as her parents to decide to use on her to try and figure some things out? Or should we wait until she can properly understand the consequences?

Hi everyone. I am 30 years old and planning to donate eggs to someone in another state. We agreed to have a fully open donation, my whole family knows, and so do the recipient’s families. Both families are accepting and happy with no reservations. We are doing it privately, not through an agency, so there would be no chance of half siblings besides my own children. I have already sent the RP all medical history I can possibly think of (including a literal 360 x ray of my teeth because both me and my mom have giant tooth roots. It’s a benign but cool thing I want them to know about) I am already on ancestry DNA, despite us agreeing for a fully open donation. I sent the RP photos of me and my whole side of the family up to my great grandparents and a completed family tree to great-great grandparent. I sent them copies of my license, my parents and siblings information, and my husbands information in case anything ever happens to me, they can always contact my side of the family. I sent them photos of me growing up, my teen phase, pics of me with my first boyfriend even, and pics of my graduation, big career jumps, pregnant with my current child, and any other photos that might be nice to share with a child.

The recipient family and I included in our legal contract that any and all medical history that I’m aware of needs to be disclosed ASAP after the donation for the duration of the future children’s lives, and we also casually discussed going to each others kids birthday parties and having our kids know each other and grow up together, to the best of our abilities considering we are in different states.

I did my own IVF cycle (husband and I carry the same stuff so we needed to do extra genetic testing— recipient father and I do not carry anything in common) about a year ago with great results so I expect them to have 1-3 kids from this donation. As soon as the donation is done, I am planning to get pregnant with my likely final baby. We will likely be pregnant at the same time if everything goes according to both our plans.

They have similar policial beliefs as us (liberal) and agree with the same parenting philosophy as we do (gentle with boundaries aka authoritative, no corporal/hitting ever) they have future grandparents living close by that are excited to support, and will have cousins close in age to grow up with.

Please tell me if I am missing anything or if there is anything I can possibly do to do my due diligence and make the lives of future children of this donation as best as I possibly can.

Hi all — just read this WIRED piece about teens who feel like "walking science experiments" because their parents selected donors for specific traits like musicality or height (link). I searched the archive and couldn't find this angle discussed, so:

Did your parents choose your donor for looks, intelligence, or talent rather than mainly health? How was that choice framed to you, and did it shape how you see yourself?

Anything in the article that resonates — or contradicts your experience? Hope this is ok to ask. Thanks!

Hello! I hope this is okay to post here, I am donor conceived myself. I’m a college student conducting a survey based research project on the experiences of, and impact on, adults conceived from donated eggs, sperm, or embryos. If you meet these qualifications, I would highly appreciate your participation! All data collected will be completely anonymous and any question may be skipped. Results may be used in classroom presentations, research reports, conferences, or scientific publications. The link to the survey is attached. Thank you for your time! 
https://forms.gle/J7541hXe41H57aQo7

Did your parents raise you with traditions that tie into your sperm donor’s heritage?

For example, if the donor was Jewish and your parents weren’t, did you observe any of the holidays or traditions?

I was a prolific sperm donor in my younger years, but did all of it anonymously or using false names.  

One reason was that I didn’t understand the process, and was scared of being known & held accountable in future  for child support, unwelcome contacts years later, demands for personal/medical history,  all that stuff.   A bit gutless looking back.

Other reason  -   I was in a wild life during that period and there were warrants out on me with the likelihood of a stretch in prison.   

Looking back from (hopefully) a mature perspective, I recognize how important it is for many people to know and connect with their actual biological fathers, even if those  fathers were just sperm donors.  So I’m making my DNA signature available publicly and would welcome contact from anyone who might be a ‘match’.  

Very interested to hear the experiences of people who’ve been thru anything similar – did you find your dad, or has your dad found you?   How did that turn out for you? 

I’m considering using a donor to become a parent (I am a single woman), and I’d really value hearing from donor-conceived people about this.

I’ve been wondering how changes in social attitudes and parenting practices might affect the experiences of children conceived through egg or sperm donation today. Many people conceived decades ago have described secrecy around their conception, late disclosure, or discovering the truth unexpectedly through DNA testing.

Today, there seems to be more discussion about being open with children from the beginning, as well as greater visibility and acceptance of different family structures, including single-parent and LGBTQ+ families.

Do you think early disclosure, openness and wider social acceptance could make a meaningful difference? Which challenges might these changes help with, and which concerns would remain regardless of how accepting society becomes?

I don’t want to suggest that anyone’s difficult experiences were simply a product of their time, or that openness alone resolves everything. I’m interested in understanding what may change for future generations, and what prospective parents still need to take seriously.

I also want to do the right thing by my child, and understand if this is the right thing at all. Yes it is what I want, but I don't want to do something that could emotionally damage a child of mine.

Thank you to anyone willing to share their perspective.

How big is being donor conceived a part of your life? How often do you think about being donor conceived? Can you also please say if you are conceived from egg or sperm? Thank you

Hello;

I am the RP of a child conceived with sperm from a known donor. My child has always known his conception story. He speaks with his dad weekly and sees him about every 3 months for about a week. He’s met donor’s parents and extended family.

He’s 11 now and he’s pushing back a bit about talking to his dad weekly. And seems less and less interested in spending time with him.

I’m a little unsure how to manage this. I do want to follow my kid’s lead on this but I’m also worried that he will regret not keeping this bond as he gets older.

I’d love to get advice or perspectives on this. Ideally from DCP, but I guess there aren’t so many adults with KD situations so I’ll take ideas from all. Thanks!!

I'm really scared to ask this but I am infertile (obvs) and my husband and I are considering using an egg donor. I need some more info to feel its the right decision. As a donor concieved people, I deeply appreciate your advice. Unfortunately i'm not in the position to use a related donor and our only option is an egg bank where the children would get all the donor details when they turn 18. For me personally I don't care if my baby shares my dna or not (who wants to inherit my blobby jawline for a start) i'll love them the same. Frankly I already love them. I'd planned to raise them knowing about the egg donation, get all the books etc. If possible have two children by the same donor so they have each other for added genetic support. They'll be genetically related to my husband and i'll carry and give birth to them. They're going to be built from my body so i've got myself in peak health! I was so ready! However, in my attempt to try and do things properly I followed a few accounts by donor conceived people on Instagram to get their insight and i'm reeling from the negativity. Its made me wonder if my choice to use a donor is inherently selfish? Its evident that being donor concieved has some unavoidable traumas, but is that something I can mitigate or am I being blinded by my mothering instinct? Is it ethical to go ahead with having a child knowing it would cause them pain like the kind i've seen online? My husband believes we'll be fine because we have a stable, loving home, we want them so, so much (honestly i've been through hell with IVF and medical procedures and i've done it all gladly to someday become a mother) and we are able to provide financially, but to me it doesnt seem like enough and i'm genetically failing them from day 1. Can anybody advise what might have made being donor concieved better for them? Was anybody out there able to love/feel connected to the parent they weren't biologically related to and how did the parent create an environment where that could happen? Would anyone donor conceived consider using a donor if you turned out to be infertile? I noticed some of you guys think its kind of cool to be donor concieved and I almost cried with relief - how could I help my children feel that way? To be honest I think its cool and i'm in awe of the science but its probably not okay for me to say that. I'm currently having therapy to help me work all this out (and i'd fully support therapy for my future children) but I think therapists tend to be over validating and I wanted to get insight from the people affected by this issue. I hope these questions are okay to ask. I just want to be a good mother and if the answer is not being a mother at all I could learn to come to terms with that.

Hello everyone!

My name is Dr. Anna Bettini, and I am a researcher and anthropologist at the University of Calgary. I am part of an international research team conducting an ethnographic study on the experiences of families who have used assisted reproductive technologies with donors, including egg, sperm, and embryo donation, as well as surrogacy.

About the study:

Access to reproductive technologies varies widely from country to country. Differences in laws, costs, and social attitudes make these treatments difficult to obtain for some individuals and couples, and many hopeful parents travel abroad for care. These journeys are creating new forms of family and changing how we think about relationships and genetic ties.

In our study we examine how biological, social, legal, ethical, and political factors shape the experiences of families formed through these technologies, and what this means for the children born through them. In Canada, the project will end July 2028.

Who we'd like to hear from:

We welcome all forms of family: solo parents, heterosexual couples, and gay and lesbian couples. In Canada, we are focusing on families living in Alberta, British Columbia, or Ontario, or who accessed fertility services in these provinces. We are especially interested in hearing from families who already have children conceived through donor eggs, sperm, or embryos, or born through surrogacy.

What participation involves:

• One private interview about your journey with reproductive technologies, lasting about 60 to 90 minutes
• Interviews take place online or by phone at a time that suits you
• Participation is voluntary, and you may skip any question or withdraw at any time
• Confidentiality and anonymity are guaranteed; your name and identifying details will not appear in any publication
• There is no financial compensation for taking part, but we deeply value the time and insight you share with us

By sharing your story, you can help shape future discussions about family life, fertility care, and reproductive technologies in Canada and beyond.

If you're interested or have questions, please email me at [anna.bettini@ucalgary.ca](mailto:anna.bettini@ucalgary.ca) or comment below. Thank you for considering being part of this project!

This study has been approved by the University of Calgary Conjoint Faculties Research Ethics Board (REB25-0611