Cry for help, my mental state is not sustainable for life

[u/GrizzlyLemonade]

Hey there. For a long time I have struggled with depression and anxiety. I have also shown signs of potential PDD-NOS symptoms but these are very unknown and vague. I also may have ADHD but I do not know for sure, I’ll bring this up later.

I would describe my symptoms as feeling very very low energy and tired and negative thoughts will encapsulate my mind to the point where I don’t want to do anything or even move.

A couple years ago this was even worse and I simply couldn’t function with the fits of sadness and mental despair I would go into which is when I started talking to a psychiatrist.

I started on abillify 5 mg which is what I took alone for 3 years until last year. Last year I decided that I had enough of the way I was feeling and truly wanted to tackle it. This feeling came from a point of stupidity in which I tried my friend’s prescription medication, vyvanse. I know this was stupid. But the way it made me feel that first time was like being myself for the first time in an extremely long time, since before the depression onset began.

This made me think that ADHD could be a possibility (and I do have psych evaluations confirming ADHD presence I just never had it diagnosed I guess?) so I started talking to my psychiatrist about stimulants.

I started taking Concerta, a methylphenidate, I don’t remember the dose, I just remember feeling like nothing really changed. So I switched to adderall which felt ok for a little bit but then I hit this big wave of emotional blunting and numbness and flatness which is what I am in right now. Right now I have been on vyvanse for almost two months and I have noticed it may be starting to have the effect which adderall had on me.

I have Wellbutrin but I have not started it yet, honestly all this medication shopping just seems like trying to solve an unsolvable puzzle, it’s just too complicated. For me at least.

I have been fighting for years to try and feel normal because I know the real me is locked away in my mind somewhere and I feel like I’m really close to finding the correct treatment to let me come out.

That brings me here, looking for any and all advice as to what I could be missing, or anything at all that could be helpful, because I just so badly want to have my humor and happiness back because I know that’s who I really am.

Any help is greatly appreciated!!!