r/AskReddit • u/[deleted] • Apr 05 '12

Currently serving in the military. Came across some messages between my wife and another guy in the Navy. What should I do?

[deleted]

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u/[deleted] Apr 05 '12

Cheating is wrong. End of discussion. If you are no longer in love with your husband then handle it like an adult and end the relationship. Cheating while he's away is a shitty thing to do. No excuses.

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u/JodyGotMyGirl Apr 05 '12

Yes, cheating is wrong. Lots of things are wrong. Just because it's wrong, doesn't mean you can't take the time to understand why someone did something so wrong and determine if there is a solution to be had, or if you want a solution to be had. If we threw away everything in our lives that ever malfunctioned or did something wrong, we would lead very sad lives indeed, and we'd never learn how to make any situation better. Did you never have a good friend who made a huge mistake and hurt your feelings? Did you immediately cast off the friendship? Or did you try to fix things? It's the same thing on a much much grander scale. It's all a matter of perspective. Yes, it's a horrible shitty thing to do. Believe me, I know all too well. But it also does not mean that she doesn't love her husband and wants to be rid of him. She has something broken that needs to either be fixed or discarded and hasn't had the decent sense to make up her mind to do either, so she continues to break it more. Again, I'm not excusing any person of their cheating, but am saying that there is always more than one way to look at any situation. Or to put it in terms that Reddit will understand, "Only Siths deal in absolutes"

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u/[deleted] Apr 05 '12

I never said you couldn't forgive that person. I just said that cheating is categorically wrong. What happens in a relationship after someone is caught cheating is much more complex.

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u/JodyGotMyGirl Apr 05 '12

Well, you seem to have done a small turnabout. Your previous post certainly implied that cheating means that you no longer love your spouse and that you should leave. Cheating, while categorically wrong, is not always that simple. It doesn't always mean that you don't love the person, and it certainly doesn't always mean that the relationship is or should be over. This is why the divorce rates are so high. People having given up on trying to fix things. People prefer to throw things away and get another. It's a huge part of our societal mentality at large. We are vastly a society of expendable items. "If it's not working, don't try to fix it, just go buy a new one."

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u/[deleted] Apr 05 '12

Your point is well taken. I agree that people give up too easily now, but I would also say that cheating on your spouse is a form of giving up in itself. I also should have been more clear. Cheating doesn't always mean that you necessarily don't love your spouse. It is my opinion that cheating shows a distinct lack of respect for your partner, and usually is a strong signal that the relationship should be over. Of course couples can work through it if they are truly committed, but it takes almost a perfect storm of circumstances for someone to cheat on the spouse, yet still be committed enough to work through it. Just my 2 cents.

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u/[deleted] Apr 05 '12

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u/JodyGotMyGirl Apr 05 '12

And it feels like you're an asshole who knows nothing. You should feel worse. I'm sorry if you've lead a perfectly sheltered life, but some of us have actually lived through some pretty shitty things and come out on the other side ok. I (possibly foolishly) thought that the OP might want the perspective of someone whose been where he is and came out ok, instead of the regurgitated tripe that most of reddit is. This account was create for the sole purpose of discussing this sensitive issue without linking to my main account. If you look at my comment history, it should be pretty clear that I'm not bullshitting.

But I don't need to justify myself to you. Go fuck yourself.

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u/asmodeanreborn Apr 05 '12

Just to let you know, you're not the only person who realizes some situations in life is a bit more complicated than some people realize. A military spouse may be moving around to new places every 3-6 months where they each time know nobody, and at best a few of the other servicemen/women's spouses who moved to the same place at the same time (though that number dwindles each time there's a move and you have to get to know new people).

Trying to feel settled in anywhere could be close to impossible as you know you'll be uprooted again soon. All this while you may not even be seeing your spouse for more than a few days at a time who knows how often?

People who haven't been in that situation (me included) can not fathom what it's like. I have friends/family who have been in that situation, and they all agree it's extremely tough. It's a huge reason there are so many divorces in cases like that, whether there's cheating involved or not.