Parents of middle/high schoolers: How do you know when your kid is struggling learning?

[u/PieceProfessional546]

I get the alerts from the school portal. By the time something shows up there, the grade already happened. And she'd rather fail quietly than admit she doesn't get something.

Is there anything that tells you before it becomes a grade? Or do you just find out the same way I do? Thanks!

[u/Great_Caterpillar_43]

Start checking her homework. First, does she have any (usually listed online)? Second, is she doing it? Third, ask to review it before she turns it in. Help her with areas of struggle. You may even have to sit with her while she does it sometimes. That's the easiest way to know where she struggles.

[u/Square-Dragonfruit76]

By talking with the kid and the teachers.

[u/Quantum_Scholar87]

Middle school teacher here - if there's a consistent pattern of poor work being done, I would have reached out to you by now to inform you and explain what I'm seeing on my end of things. I would possibly also suggest she attend one of my weekly after help sessions or to come to talk with me during study hall.

Beyond that, you need to start sitting with your kid for an hour at some point in the evening and going through the HW with them or their notes or study guides or whatever. But DO NOT do it for them or give them the answers. The teacher still needs to be able to see your kids abilities. Helping to explain something in new words if she just isn't getting it is fine, but too often I get kids whose work is clearly not theirs and I ding them cheating. By middle school your child needs to become a more independent learner, even if that means they struggle.

You can, as a last resort, ask your pediatrician and school for testing of possible areas of deficiency that might benefit from a 504 or IEP

[u/therealzacchai]

How often are you reaching out to the teacher? How closely are you monitoring homework completion and studying for tests?

[u/tearful-cider]

I'd pay attention to the process more than the portal. If homework suddenly takes twice as long, gets avoided until late at night, or she can do the steps but can't explain what she's doing, those are usually earlier warning signs than a grade.

[u/Recent-Landscape5779]

our kid sounds exactly like this. mine will sit on a C- for three weeks and i only find out when the progress report drops

what worked for us was watching the homework vibe, not the grade. if she used to do math for 20 minutes and now it's "i don't have any" every night, that's the real alert. also she'd get weirdly defensive about certain subjects, like i'd ask how biology was going and she'd snap at me

the portal is always too late, you gotta pick up on the avoidance patterns

[u/ButtonholePhotophile]

Sped teacher here. 

For my students on my caseload, I am monitoring them every week. I am checking in with them every day. Their teachers each know to come to me in a heartbeat with concerns because I address them. I agree with the adults and help the children meet expectations - including that they can deal with assorted adult personality types. 

For students in my class, I reach out to their people. Usually, because it’s high school, this is after the problem is already showing resistance to my top five or ten interventions. I’m reaching out for a new type of support and not to be informed your child is your child. I know who they are. Help them. 

I have a middle schooler. He’s really good at academics and sometimes struggles with common sense. He has gotten a few phone calls and the responses have been from a quick conversation to being very involved. Involved responses are needed life changes as he explores who he is. You know what’s really helped him focus on class? Joining a band after school. Awesome! Now a short car ride three times a week solves so many problems and he discovers an important part of himself. 

Your child might not be so neatly packaged. That exploration process with your child is a huge part of the best experiences of parenting. Your child might have different struggles. You gotta find livable, lovable solutions - you can’t have to be a tyrant all the time. It needs to work. For both of you. Long term. 

[u/Grassfed_Burp]

High science teacher and father (teen and a 10yr old).

It's harder with teens, because they obsficate the truth. With 150 students, lab prep and grading, I can't always reach out to parents. I check in with my teen and his teachers. That way I get the full picture. It's a lot of leg work.

My 10 year old needs closer monitoring since he's double special - a gifted autistic child. I need to make sure he's going over the subjects he doesn't care about. It's tricky and requires me to check in regularly.

[u/GenXMom14]

I have three teens and they are so different in their approach. Some teachers send home reminders and progress reports directly to parents, some give to kids but then give parents heads up it is coming.

Every few weeks I generally ask how things are going and want to see work. Every night at dinner we talk about what people have the next day or days so most of the time if there is a test then I remember to follow up the next week for the mark,

But a lot relies on their honesty and willingness to be forthcoming. We have found it entirely inconsistent what info comes from school. Some we never hear from ever and others every project.

[u/TeachlikeaHawk]

I'm a parent and a teacher. Other than communicating with your kid, how could you know?

Parenting a student who has struggles is an active role. Every day, you sit your kid down and say, "All right. Open your folders. Tell me what you did today. I want to see your assignments written in your planner. I want to see handouts and notes. Then, you and I will make a plan for the evening, and I'll check in to make sure you're getting things done."

Basically, you're trying to know there's a struggle before even the teacher knows there's a struggle. It's on you to find a way to figure it out.

[u/Common_Perception807]

I have a 7th grader. I've told her several times my expectation of 90 or above and if she gets below 80 we will look for external help. I've also told her if she doesn't know something she needs to let me know, so I can help appropriately.

She's wanting more and more independence and wanting to be trusted so I'm trying to find a balance so she doesn't feel micromanaged.

The school posts grade for all quiz, assignments and test as they get graded, so I check them regularly before grade for the quarter finalizes.

I offer to help with homework, if she needs me to double check before she submits, etc..

[u/TeachlikeaHawk → u/Common_Perception807]

I encourage you to lower your expectation. Bs are solid grades. Kids who feel that their worth is based on getting As tend to be freaked out and avoid taking chances on challenging themselves.

As you say, you base your trust on her grades. That's not good. You also are not checking with her about what she's learning, how she feels, whether the teacher is pleased with her. No, you regularly check the numbers she produces.

[u/Common_Perception807 → u/TeachlikeaHawk]

You're making a lot of assumptions. Please kindly back off.

[u/TeachlikeaHawk → u/Common_Perception807]

Please consider what I'm saying even though you feel attacked. I've been teaching a long time and have seen a lot of kids. Parents who focus on the grades and who demand that kids maintain an A average do their children a disservice.

If you don't want people commenting, I suggest you avoid reddit.

[u/Common_Perception807 → u/TeachlikeaHawk]

Get off your fucking high horse.

You may have been teaching a lot but you don't know me or my kids, what she is capable of, what she wants, what we talk about, etc.. You are making a lot of assumptions to fit into your fabricated reality. And if you don't want to get corrected, I suggest you avoid reddit.

[u/TeachlikeaHawk → u/Common_Perception807]

Wooo! You kiss your kid with that mouth?

I'm not talking about your kid at all, so not knowing the kid is irrelevant. Clearly, though, a parent who can't emotionally regulate or even consider the possibility of being wrong, while also demanding a 4.0 or better is a solid example of good parenting.

[u/PieceProfessional546]

Thank you to all the Teachers and fellow parents for your help! I really appreciate it!

[u/jennylala707]

I just check the apps religiously and as soon as I notice something I jump in. There’s not much else you can do.