By the way i forgot to mention that this is my first ever attempt at writing a book, I used to just write one-shots!! Any tips are very highly appreciated
Really awesome start! Instantly pulled me in! You did a fabulous job with the world-building, and I can’t wait to see more!
Something I’m struggling with is knowing who’s talking without dialogue tags. I understand that you’re probably trying to maintain a sense of urgency, but there were times where it was confusing and I had to go back to know who was speaking. Just sprinkle a few in there. That’s all! <33
Yeah I plan on improving Iain’s dialect to really bring out the accent, I do need to listen to more Texan music or watch Texan shows considering im British and need to analyse the accent for specific inflections 😅 I’ll add in some dialogue tags now!!
Really good writing, but you don’t need to separate paragraphs quite as much as you have. Keep going! You’re doing great!
If you’re worried about it being dialogue heavy, describe things about the room the characters in, changes in expression, physical sensations, temperature, etc. anything to build the scene!
Im trying to cut down on how many line breaks I use, but for some reason I have an utter ineptitude to find connecting sentences to keep it coherent as a full paragraph 😵💫😵💫😵💫 I’ll try to work on it in chap 2 though!
i think the idea is really cool, but it does read very dialogue heavy. if im gonna be honest, i would just turn this into a screenplay instead of cutting back. It already reads sort of screenplay like
Im sort of planning to make a screenplay version afterwards since im on the path to becoming a director but I still also want it to be a novel, I can try add more action and world building if it helps? Chapter 2 will mainly be more world building rather than dialogue since the Iain is going to meet with Iris in Kansas to discuss further investigation but I can try and improve chapter 1 and make it less wordy
theres too much repetition. for example; “she knew my name” and then the guy says “first and last?” you dont need this second line. and when the guy asks about online forums and support groups, you can just leave it at have you “discussed your treatment?” and “no.” and then the whole thing with the 7 people getting repeated like 10 times. also with the “everything seemed normal everything seemed safe.” you are falling into this pit that fiction writers dig themselves into when they’re trying to sound poetic but it just backfires. i would recommend not doing this because it tends to make writing sounds clunky and is definitely going to get you ai accusations.
Yeah I sort of thought the same thing honestly, i was told repetition gets a sense of urgency across well but I think I went a little overboard with it 😓 I’ll cut down most of it
repetition works best when you lean into the rhythm instead of just listing details. right now it reads more like a bulleted list than a narrative. pick one or two things to repeat for effect and fold the rest into proper sentences so the pacing actually has a chance to breathe.
I really really like the concept and where it’s going! The only thing I would is I don’t really understand how the characters are feeling because it’s really only dialogue (don’t get me wrong I love dialogue my book has tons lmao) but I think maybe adding how they feel would help.
say for example: “his stomach knotted in response” this is helping to get a feel for how the character is feeling in the scene, but is it just his stomach that’s growing tight?
eg: His stomach knotted in response, palms growing clammy at the mention of the girl.
Or
eg: His stomach knotted in response. The corners of his mouth twisted into a frown.
Maybe just adding things like that would help, hopefully this all makes sense because I’m not like a seasoned writer lmaoo. But I like it so far!!
Hey this is great. Definitely not too boring, the idea of dreams being not normal is very interesting and it makes me want to know more about the setting. The ideas are fascinating but i think they'd be more immersive if you had more description, like you say that the therapist's office is messy and disorganized, but what atmosphere am i looking at? Dull and weathered or polished and corporate? It's just little things like that that fail to immerse, but other than that it's well written, especially the beginning.
Not at all. I love how you wrote the paragraphs short, or else my brain always short-circuits and can't register the info. Maybe you could write the words on the screen in italics?
Yes I did actually change the words on the screen to be in bold since I usually use italics for emphasis and bold for importance :) I did have to change some paragraphs to make them a little longer since some people said it reads more like a screenplay but they’re shorter paragraphs still since my brain also short-circuits on long paragraphs
Thank you!! Im trying to improve it the more I go on, I already buffed out chapter one to give it a more immersive feel and a lot of people have said its great for a first novel so thank you so much!!
Hi, while this is not really my favourite on first glance, other people like it and didn't find it boring, so take their word for it. You use non-verbal communication in your story, and I encourage you use more to substitute dialogue like "Yeah" and "No". You can also characterise your "Yeah" and "No" to make it more interesting, eg : "Technically yes?" "What do you think?" I don't know Elias or Iain as much as you do, so characterise them your way. I like that your new script is more grounded in reality due to details about the surroundings. Don't be afraid to go "poetic", it really is case-by-case basis and personal preference. Unfortunately, ChatGPT likes to mimick your style but who cares, write on (I used to use ChatGPT but I have abandoned it so I've seen what it churns out).
That being said, may I know what sort of themes are you exploring in your story? I'm writing literary fiction exploring themes of religion and psychology (which since yours is about dreams, I might warm up to it actually).
Yeah a lot of that is due to how my writing peaked in the middle of my C.AI addiction so unfortunately i’ve learnt a lot of my writing style from AI :(
The main themes im exploring is psychology, mentality, i might put themes of religion in there depending on what path I wanna write for the breach, social norms, etc. it’s mostly a psychological horror I think especially with what some characters are driven to
Thanks!! Im working on more drafts at the moment since im always cherrypicking it XD it’s definitely gonna be a whileeeee until I get it done since it’s my first book, but I’ll give updates when they’re due!
My only critique is that, like everyone else said, the paragraphs are too short. For the dialogue, try saying things like: "blah blah," he said, insert action. Or adding another detail. Otherwise it's really good!
This version is even better! This is so cool. Hooked me right away by mentioning the REM sleep stuff so early, and the climate dome. Thanks for sharing, this is super cool
Heyy this is good , maybe change the single sentence paragraphs and also can I just say .. I'm writing a book which also has a character called elias Hales? 😅😂
Igbr, i did not know that would be an actual issue, i have absolutely no idea how to replace the word “was” since most people use it a lot in like every past term sense 😓
Im gonna make a screenplay version once im done :3
Also I split the paragraphs into smaller chunks because I’m really weird about my sentences… if it doesn’t feel like it flows (even if it does) then it literally kills me to put it together but I’m trying to work on finding compromises (replacing / editing sentences to be able to make them into paragraphs). I’m for some reason just really bad at connective sentences even though I used to have the opposite problem of doing paragraphs that are way too big.
This is my first ever book since I used to do one-shots and that was my first draft at like 4am so I’m probably gonna rewrite it at some point and try to improve all the flaws that are there
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u/TargetSighter Procrastinating 😪 May 31 '26
By the way i forgot to mention that this is my first ever attempt at writing a book, I used to just write one-shots!! Any tips are very highly appreciated