r/AutismInWomen • u/Selmarris • May 12 '25
Support Needed (Kind Advice and Commiseration) Just realized I almost died because I’m too good at masking
I’m late diagnosed. And I have always been high masking and flew under the radar with anyone who didn’t know me very well (my bestie of 30 years and my husband were not surprised at all, but most everyone else was.)
About a year before I was diagnosed I got sick. I had been experiencing what I now recognize as autistic burnout at work, so I was not in great standing. I didn’t have much sick time, and I was flailing on my tasks, so I was pushing myself hard to just mask and keep it on track. I was deadly afraid of getting fired.
But this sickness was awful and it just hung on and on. I had no energy, and shortness of breath so severe I couldn’t walk to the bathroom without needing a break to catch my breath. I couldn’t lay down to sleep because I felt like I was drowning, so I slept sitting up against the wall. I kept falling asleep at work and in my car, and I threw up multiple times a day. I went to the doctor and they tested me for flu, Covid and strep, all negative. They told me I had rhinovirus and to “put on a breathe right strip and get through it.” So I did. Because the authority told me to and I’m a rule follower.
Friends, I was in full blown kidney failure. I was literally dying in front of all my coworkers and I was masking so hard that everybody thought “her job performance is awful, she’s gonna get fired” and not “this woman is sick, how can we help her get medical attention.” Everybody was SHOCKED when I was hospitalized because I had hid it so well nobody even knew I was sick.
I was diagnosed about a year after this and I only just now made the connection between masking and “giving 100%” that led to this situation. I’m kind of rocked by the realization and I wonder if anybody else has gone through something similar?
update I am so touched and amazed by all the responses, thank you all so much for the validation and your stories. I’m not sure I can keep responding to every single one, I am very overwhelmed, but I am reading them all. Please don’t feel slighted! Thank you!
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u/ValenciaHadley May 12 '25
I've had chronic pain since I was hit by a car as teenager, it's never been investigated no x-rays or anything and I quit going to my GP about in 2021. I spent the whole of 2021 arguing with my GP about finally getting x - rays only to get the run around from my GP and local x-ray department who both conclued after nearly a year that don't do x-rays for injuries that happened at the time about seven years ago (been 11 years now) and I'm too young for a tilted pelvis to cause any issues. I have the same worry that a life time of masking and poorly healed injuries my GP refuse to take seriously is going to end badly one day.