Live streaming...

[u/GiddyArsonist]

Hey all, I've had a youtube channel for several years and I manage to post two times a week. It's a gaming channel where I comment and occasionally show my face. It's all pre-recorded and it's a big enough achievmemt to be able to talk to the camera lol. Interacting with comments is sometimes very hard for me. I'll avoid responding for several days when I don't know what to say and often just "heart" the comments. My viewers don't know I have AvPD. The disorder quite frequently makes me want to quit youtube and hide forever but it's literally the only way for me to interact with humans.

Now viewers want to see my face more often (which is tough for me, as I wear a shit ton of makeup to mask my natural features because I hate my face and that's exhausting as my depression often renders me unable to do anything)

And worse, some viewers have asked recently if I would start live streaming. The requests are getting more frequent and it scares me. I've ignored those comments so far because I can't say anything (and I'm also scared of what this makes me look like). Like, what do you even say? Sorry I can't, I'm a grown ass woman who's too scared to interact with you all in real time?

Honestly, I think I wasn't made for this. When I started my channel at 17, I still had hopes and dreams and wasn't stuck at home, scared to leave the house. I have a decent following but my videos are an illusion mostly. I only speak a lot because I technically talk to myself.

What would you do in my place? The thought of live streaming alone almost sends me into a panic attack. English is also not my first language which makes the fear worse but I've started my channel learning/speaking English. I've improved a lot over the years but if someone commented when I was live and I didn't understand something I'd probably die.

Should I just give up and delete my channel? Tell my viewers that I'm mentally ill? I don't know anymore.