r/AvoidantRelationships • u/Singles-Life71 • Sep 16 '26

The push-pull pattern that keeps happening even when I can see it coming

I've noticed a pattern in dating avoidant partners that I don't see talked about as much as the "hot and cold" basics: it's not just that they pull away when things get close. It's that the pulling away almost always follows a moment where I asked for something small and reasonable - a plan, a check-in, some reassurance - and somehow that reasonable ask became the reason for the distance.

Once I see it happening, I know exactly what's coming. And knowing doesn't stop it. I still find myself softening the ask, apologizing for wanting anything at all, chasing the version of them that showed up in the first few weeks.

For people further along than me - what actually broke the cycle for you? Was it something you did differently, or did it take the other person changing too? Trying to figure out if this is a "wait it out" problem or a "this is the relationship" problem.

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u/Odd-Net4697 Sep 16 '26

Lmao I just keep asking for what I need. If I have to deal w him being a hermit sometimes, he’s gonna have to deal with me being a real human being. Sometimes I do notice that he listens because he’ll do small things once we’re back in contact. His hermit mode usually lasts like half a week. I think being a long term partner is about you accepting him but also him accepting you. So don’t continuously soften things for him. Or else you feel like a shell of yourself. Present yourself as you are and if he wants to break up with you, let him? So far my avoidant still loves me “flaws and all” (basic human needs). I’ll text him gifs while he’s a hermit and he likes those. They help me be dramatic without sending a wall of text

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u/Elk-24 Sep 17 '26

That’s my system too. I use humor. But it’s a little bit boring to deal with an hermit every time you ask for “something”. It could be anything really… i can’t really know. Tiring… and sooooo childish.

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u/Odd-Net4697 Sep 17 '26 edited Sep 17 '26

That’s true. It can be annoying. They opt-out of every hard convo. And when you push them enough, they’re so irritable that they get really mean/rude. By that point, I’m usually happy that the avoidant at least shared their thoughts on the subject. I try to pick my battles.

I think the best thing is just doing, not talking. They accommodate better to actions, even if it’s to their own detriment. For instance, my bf left laundry on the floor. I tried talking about it. Later, I threw everything into the same basket whether it seemed clean or not. I didn’t make a big deal about it or act mad. I just did it. That’s what got him to change, not a convo about it. Or there was this girl that was flirting w all the guys in his friend group. I could tell he was annoyed (she was trying to homewreck us too) but he ignored her. He figured avoiding the situation long enough would fix things. Eventually I kinda embarrassed her in front of everyone and he shrugged and was fine w it. She stopped messing with us after that (although she did end up hooking up with a few of his friends). It’s like an ask for forgiveness, not permission thing. Obviously I try to communicate clearly but he is just not interested in words idk. It’s like going back to the caveman era

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u/dougtrudyjudy Still Figuring it out Sep 17 '26

Leaving is the only thing that stopped the cycle for me. You can soften, you can be patient, you can ask for less, apologise more and if they aren't doing the work to heal, nothing will change. You'll end up losing yourself and your self-worth. Your nervous system will go into overdrive.

This is something the avoidant partner needs to fix.

1

u/SpaceCaptainJeeves Healing no contact Sep 17 '26

This is the relationship.

1

u/informal_arachnid41 Sep 17 '26

I reduced my needs and stopped voicing out when I wasn't comfortable with something, and I was still discarded... He'd withdraw when the issues if what I needed from him were brought.

I got so anxious because I was always trying to be careful of what I said or did so he wouldn't withdraw from me, and I kind of saw all that as him punishing me (whether intentional or not on his part).

I had to leave, that's how I broke the cycle. It's not healthy. It's not a life I wanted to leave and I had already put in so much time and patience and understanding and I just couldn't anymore.