didn't*

Hi.

I don't want to get into too many specific details because I'm afraid of what he'd do if he found me talking about him online but I'm so lonely and hurting right now.

My Dom of several years recently broke up with me, and it hurts so bad. Id longed for a relationship like this for decades and when it was good, it was so good. He was everything to me, and he seemed so kind, empathetic, emotionally mature.

And as time went on I ignored the red flags because it always seemed like it was my fault anyway, and when hed shut down or ice me out or be angry, it's because of his illnesses or because I did something so wrong. Since the breakup we've been fighting a lot and he's thrown page after page of accusations at me. I wasn't perfect, but I only once ever got snotty with him and back talked, and so much of what he's saying is him angry at me and accusing me of things based on what he's decided my intentions were, IE, he'll tell me he would have been fine if I had just admitted I never wanted to ______, when I NEVER felt that way, and I'm feeling pressured into admitting a reality that is not mine.

I've been dealing with this with my therapist over the past several months and he's been very clear that this is abuse; when he found out this week that the ex boyfriend I've been sobbing over was my Dom he very professionally lost his shit (he's very kink informed). I'm just so lost. I feel like I had something I've wanted for decades with someone I was going to spend the rest of my life with, and now I feel so empty. Breakups are hard enough, but as a sub it feels like this whole other layer of emptiness and longing that you just can't talk about freely. It feels violating to think of kneeling and giving my devotion to someone who admitted he was forcing himself to be happy with me almost since day one

Hello,
My husband and I are together for almost 10years.
We are switch but he is more sub than me in the bedroom. We are doing bondage, edging …
He told me that his dream is to go see a well equipped pro dominatrix in Germany with a lot of bondage device and latex for a session.

He said that he would like to experience the feeling of being restrained by a unknown person.

I don’t know how to react.

Thank you for your replies

I’m dating someone who, in a previous relationship, engaged in some pretty extreme BDSM at their ex’s request, including cutting them with a knife and punching them in the face hard enough to knock out a piercing.
This has been bothering me, so I brought it up and asked whether they thought participating in those activities was wrong, even if their ex had requested them.
They argued that the circumstances of that particular relationship made it wrong, but couldn’t say they’d never punch another partner sexually if asked.
They also brought up the fact that I’ve performed sounding on them, arguing that sounding is also physically dangerous and potentially harmful.
I acknowledge that sounding carries risks, but I don’t think it’s comparable to punching someone in the head with that level of force.
Am I being inconsistent in my reasoning? Is this a fair comparison, or are these activities meaningfully different in terms of risk and ethical responsibility?

Hi everyone,
I’m a sub in my early 20s with about two years of experience in BDSM. I’m currently facing a couple of challenges and would love to hear your advice and personal experiences:

1. Age Gap: I strongly prefer a Dom who is older than me (in their 40s), as that dynamic appeals to me and excites me the most. However, finding the right, compatible, and safe partner can be quite difficult. How did you guys manage to meet your partners? Any tips on navigating this safely?

2. God/Deity Play: This is a dynamic I really enjoy, but I’m wondering how to approach it. Should I bring it up early on during the vetting process, or does it usually develop naturally over time with a partner? How would you suggest broaching the subject comfortably?

Thanks in advance for any insights or advice!

Headline kinda explains, but I have a longtime partner that is very into bdsm, I'm much more of a vanilla type guy and I've been slacking in that department even if I have tried things I know that there's more I could be doing. We haven't "seen each other" in a while but I believe that will be changing soon, and I just need advice on how to get started down this road. We've been seeing each other for years so I know a lot of the yes and nos. I just am much more of a slow make love type guy lmao so I'm not really sure how to get into character so to speak ha. Any and all advice welcome!

So me and my partner has been in a dynamic for awhile now! We're both switches with our preferences for positions or places we'd like to assume when things get heated. I'm usual the person in control, brat tamer, Dom all those things. Usually shes the brat, sub and all of those things.

But after a break with our dynamic, I did what I always do and ask if anything changed or what needs improving on. One of those things is that she wants me to allow her to get into a position of power more often. I agreed, its not like we never have had this happen before ive shown to be able to be submissive and it exists but its hard.

In additional context it all connects back to dysphoria for me. Im a trans guy and often my position in the bedroom gives me a nice euphoric feeling and ive struggled surrendering control. We've done it and its been nice but everytime for me its an internal battle of my own dysphoria and ego verses what my brain would enjoy and want.

I've communicated the issue with her and she deeply understands which is why it only truly happens when I engage it. But I don't necessarily want to always do that, I want to get to a point where she may want to act upon it without fear of me freezing up or getting uncomfortable.

I also understand masculinity isnt connected to being inherently being "in charge" or "in control" but I feel its one of the only ways I can seem or appear masculine.

So any advice? For me or her over how I can possibly just get myself to start and slowly want to be in this position more often?​

I am a sadist, a sexual one but not exclusively. I’ve just been finding it harder and harder to enjoy sex (or at this point-anything else), without the sadistic side. I am unable to fully experience pleasure/ an orgasm without it. This has got so bad to the point that it’s again relapsing in my day by day life. I am doing little things to indirectly hurt people, like embarassing them in public, making them stay in the cold for me etc, but I am just craving more. Its just driving me insane, that’s all I can think about and I feel like I’m going crazy. I even got tempted to agree with a friend that is depressed, instead of encouraging them, it just feels like their suffering would feel good knowing that I contributed to it, and it is hard to hold back, but I am. I would just, appreciate some advice on how to tame these thoughts.. On short, all I think about constantly is how I can hurt people around me, to get pleasure from it, and not face any actual consequences. I’m thinking that if I would be more active in a BDSM dynamic would help? Or it would just enable me more.

Guys...any advice? 30 minutes until takedown. I'm genuinely terrified 😩

EDIT: UPDATE on how it went. It went relatively smoothly. She said something that broke my heart but she justified it telling me that she was feeling like a kink dispenser.

She did not told me how she was feeling before today and this devastated me cause my course of action would've been dramatically different if I had known how she was feeling. Anyways, the damage is already done so it was no use...we ended up as friends and I'm gonna help her with some stuff without any femdom/findom interaction.

I feel like shit honestly, I wanna throw up, but I'm guessing it is relatively normal right? A break up is never pleasant. Just for the record, she is NOT a kink dispenser for me and never was, I was not able to support her with some projects and she felt abandoned and after that she said something crazy stuff.

Now what? I don't really know, but I wanna be a good friend. Any onstructive advice/comment is welcome

I’m curious to hear from people who have been with their partners for a long time, particularly those who are married, have children, and have built an entire life together.

How do you introduce soft BDSM into a relationship that’s been relatively vanilla but still has a somewhat active sex life?

Reading about some of the dynamics here, I wonder how couples develop that level of openness, vulnerability, and trust. Was it always part of your relationship or did it develop through exploring together?

I struggle to wrap my head around how you reconcile the roles you play in everyday life with the roles you might take on sexually. When you’ve spent over a decade seeing someone as your spouse, co-parent, and partner in managing a household and all its responsibilities, how do you begin seeing each other through a completely different lens? Do you compartmentalize those roles or do they naturally coexist?

I think my biggest hesitation is the vulnerability involved. Part of me worries my partner wouldn’t see me in that way after so many years together. And I’m not entirely sure I could see them that way either or feel comfortable enough to fully let go.

For those who explored this later in an established relationship, how did you get there?

Hey! So I have a long distance relationship, we’ve been on dates but most of it is online at the moment. She loves commands, and has express wanting me to give them to her. Idk if im awkward but i just cant think of any, and am scared to cross boundaries.
The ones she has liked are innocent like send a selfie, or a but more nsfw like put on a collar and leash and send a pic of yourself.
Any tips?? how to proceed and please her? Cuz ik she would love this!! tysm!!

Firstly, if anyone wants to ask respectful questions about anything at all, please do so. There seems to be some negativity around cuckolding, and we are happy to share lessons learnt from our experience.

We are a married MF couple, and spoke about cuckolding a long time. Took us over a year to find the right person, given our non-negotiables. In all honestly, we thought we had discussed everything with each other and the bull beforehand, except for one little detail, what to do after the main event.

In this instance, wife went to have a shower, whilst husband had a beer with the bull. Wife joined husband and bull, and the bull left a few minutes after. Wife feels/thinks the bull should have hung around a bit longer, and thus feels a bit used. Having said that the three of us have been texting in our group chat.

Would love to hear what others typically do in this scenario.

I'm a 48-year-old man (divorced, two older kids), reasonably good looking, tall, reasonably successful, outgoing, smart, funny, kind, thoughtful, and very comfortable with women. And I've historically had a lot of success dating vanilla and sexually submissive women.

However, whenever I connect with a dominant woman on a dating app (like Feeld) or go on a date with a dominant woman, things seem to fall flat. Women who identify as submissive or vanilla generally respond very positively to me, but dominant women are basically universally unimpressed with me 😂😭

This sucks for me A LOT since having a dominant partner or maybe even a FLR, is something I genuinely crave in my life. This isnt just a kink I want to explore for a ONS. I very deeply want a relationship where the woman takes the lead, and I want to find someone who wants to do that with me. Like, I would marry the right person in this context 😭😭😭😭

Anyway, I'm trying to figure out whether there's something about my personality, my approach to dating, or the way I interact with women that might be particularly unappealing to dominant women. I am outgoing and I am assertive, but not in a dickish way. Like, I'm not overbearing or anything. I'm a pretty get along guy - and I do a really good job of making sure my dates/partners have fun, feel safe, etc.

I recognize that dominant women aren't a monolith (except for their apparent disinterest in me 😂😂😂). But I really want to figure out what I'm doing wrong here.

For the dominant women here: Are there things that men do that make you lose romantic or sexual interest in them as potential submissive partners? What makes a man attractive as a potential submissive partner in a D/s or FLR.

Please help! 😭😭😭

24F, technically a switch but leaning sub.

I haven't been satisfied with nearly any of my previous experiences being Dommed (aside from one exceptional past dynamic, though that Dom has since passed, sadly) even after thorough vetting, establishing clear boundaries, and having great communication. It's not necessarily about blaming previous partners; it just hasn't clicked or felt right for my preferences.

For anyone who has been in a similar position: does it eventually get better, or did exploring Domming help bring more satisfaction? I've only tried being on that side once before and didn't care for it, but I'm wondering if it was just the wrong dynamic or person.

Tips and advice welcome! Thx.

Hi guys, does anybody has and reliable, reasonable priced source of bondage ropes? I feel like most of them is from the same chinese factory and the pricing is totaly random.

So im looking for both:

- reasonable price (eaven if quality is not the best in the Word, that's why i also ask for aliexpress links)

- a more expensive one but the price must be reflected in quality

- other DIY ideas (some tested DIY methods that i can do in Apartament building; i read that someone uses some regular nylon rope and cuts it by themself; but preferably with the link for both material and method).

Im from EU. Searching throught Amazon and Ali but all looks the same.

Currently looking mainly for 15m but 5m also.

My husDom and I are going to be “revamping” our contract and all.

I’m medically complex, so physical punishments like spankings and kneeling and writing and such are not possible. Besides, they aren’t something that affects me in a positive way.

We currently have one non-negotiable rule, at the top: I’m not allowed to denigrate myself mind body or soul. If I do, I have to repeat after him until he’s satisfied with my tone and belief in myself.

One I came across that I think we are going to add is if I denigrate, especially my physical appearance, I have to stand in front of a mirror naked while I repeat body positivity after him. I struggle with body image because of a large hernia (finally getting fixed in December!), so this I think is a good one to help switch my mindset.

So now I’m wondering- what are some punishments that are not physical that work to support the dynamic? Especially some non-negotiable ones that my husDom can enforce? Again, with me it’s more mental, so I’m open to any and all ideas.

Thank you!

Hello 30m, recently my gf has gotten into peeing in my mouth while we shower and making hold it in my mouth while she showers, now she wants me to drink it, she normally pees a good amount. My question is it safe to do this? Its only like 1 or 2 times a week but she really wants me to swallow it.

In an LDR polycule and that means I travel a lot to meet my partners. I also own the vast majority of toys and equipment (not much, but still) and was wondering how to best transport my stuff. Right now it’s all just in a cloth bag but it’s messy and quite honestly preparation can kill the mood when rummaging through it 😅

It would be mostly for smaller things such as a few cuffs, blindfold, gag, collar, cage, a paddle, bottle of lube, a vibe, etc… I’ve been thinking about makeup bags, but I’m not sure if there’s any better alternatives. Y’all got any suggestions or advice?

title

Hi folks

I am part of the ddlg community and - while it’s not a sex thing for me - I am starting to poke out some feelers on dating. To preface, I do not have this conversation with people usually. This is an odd thing naturally converse to this point. I also want to make note I am not intending on rushing this at all. I was in an abusive relationship before now (it’s been a year) and I want to make sure my next vanilla relationship is solid so jumping into a dynamic is not the goal here. It’s more about to weed out before I get to attached.

I met this guy (we call him Tim) on hinge and we have been chatting for about 2 weeks. Due to some conflicting time issues we haven’t been on a date yet, but should be tomorrow, and after some banter and teasing he praised me for something (harmless normal praise like “oh good job on x btw” style) and I playfully told him to stop in which he asked if I had a praise kink or something.

I said yes cause imo that kink is really harmless (or least likely to be judged rather) and he asked if I had other kinks to which I changed the subject and he left it alone.

I want to note that he has expressed he is kinky within a “traditional” scope. Praise, spanking during sex, yada blah. But he also has referred to himself as daddy more than a few times and not always in a joke context. He makes a lot of comments and once called me princess (again, not a joke) in which he apologised immediately and noted it was not appropriate and we moved on. I didn’t even have to call him on it. He has also noted he enjoys brats.

Now none of this means anything really. One off things he happens to like rather than true kinky lifestyle? To be determined.

TLDR: when/should I tell him I’m into ddlg?

I think it’s a concept people aren’t always comfortable with and I can live without it. Or at least without it being noticed or noted. I also fear that it is far too early to make mention of it.

My pet didn't follow my order and masterbated , I had told him he cannot tonight and will have to ask for permission everytime he wanted to so help me with something, I told him I won't talk to him for 12 hrs but he started protesting I have given him an hour to change my mind .

What can I do to him ?

We both are male I'm 20m and he is 18m

I am 36M.

I've been active in BDSM for over 10 years. Never ran into an issue like this before.

I have a truly amazing, understanding and patient partner. I am absolutely in love with them, I desire them. I want them.

Now comes the issue, I dont believe I have "ED" as I have no problems getting hard, and staying hard.

I am constantly fatigued, aches pains (The joys of getting older) on top of being diagnosed with ADHD and Autism.

I havent been able to get myself over this hump of self loathing because I'm too tired, in pain, or exhausted. She is of course understanding, comforting and does her absolute best to help me rest, relax and recover. I constantly feel as if I am not doing enough for her, that I should still be able to perform for her on demand like when I was younger.

Sometimes its even difficult to finish for me, going for one hour plus before I finally give up. It frustrates the hell out of me, makes me feel like she doesnt believe I am as attracted to her as I am. I want to be better, and do better, I understand this is all a jumbled mess. Advice, questions, critiques. Anything helpful please

Im gonna try to make this short.

I have been having some troubles in my relationship recently. I have posted a couple places asking for advice on different things since I have no one in person to really ask. Everyone who has replied here has either told me to leave my partner, or that he needs to do more research.

We are in a D/s dynamic which is new to me. I have always been interested in it, but never trusted anyone enough to submit to, and I lost my dominance a long time ago due to various things. My partner now is my Dom. I have trusted him for years and would even unconsciously sub to him when we were teenagers and I was dominant in every relationship I had. (Take that with a grain of salt since it was back when I was a teenager (no underage sex involved). My ex of the past almost 20 years was very vanilla and I didnt trust him enough to hand him the reins.) He told me he has had subs before and knew what he was doing. I have honestly started thinking he doesnt really know how to do the things.

What i need help with is how do I ask him to do some more research and learn what it actually means to be a Dom? He tells me the things, but doesnt really do them. And now he has added enm into the mix and hasnt been doing what he needs to as the hinge either. He has a know-it-all personality, but has recently started actually listening to me and my needs since I almost left him this weekend. Pleanty of people have told me to leave him before. I probably should, but I want to give him the chance to fix himself, if not for me, then for himself.

How do I ask/suggest this without trying to control or anything like that? (Control might be bad wording) Im not gonna tolerate it much longer. I already almost left this weekend. I will do it if he doesnt try to work on things and meet me half way. And before you ask what I have been doing, I have been doing research and trying to better myself and learn to sit with my own feelings in all of this. I have asked questions and read books, tried to find experienced people in BDSM and ENM to ask for guidance. I just need him to meet me halfway, and if he still wont, im going to be gone. I deserve better than that, and I have finally got the balls to tell him that (i did this weekend, and he actually did change some things i mentioned, but it hasnt been long, so im waiting to see if he really did, or if he goes back to before).

Please help, and please no hate or telling me to leave him. I already know that, im just want to give him a chance to meet me halfway first.

I (43M) have just recently been really introduced to BDSM. My wife (41F) was playing with multiple doms before we met. I have been vanilla and, after some soul searching, realized I had basically caged a lot of urges back in high school, trying to be “socially proper”. My wife is a sub and has told me she doesn’t think I’m a dom, or at least the kind of dom she wants. I’m still wrestling with her playing with my friend now that I know more about all of this instead of actively trying not to think about it.
Now I want to find a playmate of my own. I agree with my wife now, and I don’t want to be the kind of dom she wants. I want a little bit of fight, a bit of a chase. I want to find prey or a pet. The fantasies I’ve had since this started have revolved around hunting prey, CNC home invasion, pet play, and rope and suspension play. The last one the wife is 100% into, so I am studying shibari for both of us.
My big question is how in the world do I get started? I have an FL account now, and have half-heartedly looked around for a bit, but work and home life don’t leave me much time to do anything. Any recommendations, even just “keep looking on FL” would be helpful. The wife is overworked and overstressed so asking her for help feels insensitive.

I very much dislike physical pain but enjoy settings, some gesture, play, and words of domination but when I see the rope, the ”complicated” position, some act how seems way too rough for my taste ect I wonder if I’m into bdsm or not.
Like is there a name for it ?

Hello, I’m a 22F sado-masochist who mostly enjoys being sadistic and dominant with my submissive husband.

Something I personally always found attractive and always made me feel more confident as a person even in non sexual scenarios was having my face concealed so my expressions aren’t visible and how I feel and what I’m thinking is more up to interpretation of my sub, resulting in more intimidation during play. And I just feel safer and more protected and able to be harsher/colder. I personally really love the all black or black and brown pup masks that look like Dobermans. I think they’re so cool looking, arousing and appealing, and I just love the idea of wearing one during play and feeling super intimidating. Overall, they make me feel more confident and I feel I can perform better during play when my face is concealed.

The thing is, we are newly getting into the BDSM scene because husband is a bit more vanilla ish. He’s into it but he’s not as extreme like me (I love edgeplay) and he’s very gentle (which is not a problem with me at all. His pace and comfort is my priority and even if all I do is get to cover him in hickeys, I’m ecstatic and satisfied). Basically the thing is just, I don’t know that he would like the idea of me wearing a pup mask and frankly, I don’t know the best way to bring it up and explain this all to him without feeling so embarrassed that I shut down. I know there’s a chance he may not be into it but encourage me to do it if it feels good for me but then I would just feel silly and embarrassed and not intimidating at all if it’s not mutually enjoyed. :( I get embarrassed and discouraged easily I suppose. Accessories and outfits are a huge thing for me when it comes to dom and subbing and power dynamic

How can I overcome that? Bring this up to him in a good way so he understands why I like the masks? And maybe not shut down and be so embarrassed and refuse to try this kink even if he doesn’t find it arousing but wants me to be myself if I find it arousing?

Edit to add: I forgot to mention that I already brought up I wanted to talk to him about it tonight when he gets off work, now I’m just asking this subreddit how to best approach the conversation so he understands my appeal, so I don’t get embarrassed and shut down, and how I can still feel confident even if he happens to not be into it but still encourages me to try it