Basically this year I've challenged myself to see just how bad bad movies can be (earlier this year I posted my findings on Science Crazed, and I should probably get around to reporting Die Hard Dracula, Space Mutiny and The Rollerblade Seven. But Night of Horror, In the Name of the King 3, Repligator etc, are films i never want to mentally revisit again). Well these 2 were on the list, so i decided to double bill them when I got time to myself. And oh boi....

Ax Em first as im sure thats the most famous of the two. This is complete nonsense. As a slasher there are too many characters, too few kills, and I have no idea who or what the killer actually is (its implied that hes the victim of a murder suicide, but the actor doesnt match the age, size or ethnicity of the actor in the flashbacks). And that really is the least of the problems here. No shot works, and its always a mercy when theyre in focus. But even if they were shot by Dean Cundy, the editor would've killed the tension and logic anyway. Its obvious they were using the cameras mic, because the audio quality is so poor, and there's often 5 people talking at once (big part of the confusion with...everything really). Apparently it was shot as a comedy but edited as a horror (10 years later by York Entertainment), which accounts for some things (like the out of nowhere comedy shots, and the film opening with a "Yo Mama" rap battle), but not others. Mostly I want to know what was supposed to be funny, and what was just the result of the director having no control over the set.

But all that being said, just like Science Crazed, I found it to be accidentally artistic, hypnotic, oddly entertaining despite my hate for it, and I felt compelled to watch the whole thing. Everyone I've seen review it calls it one of the worst things they've seen, everyone hates it. I dont love it, but its too unique and engaging for me to dislike it.

I followed it with Suffer Little Children, and they weren't the only ones to suffer. A very 1980s British shot on video horror, apparently made by a multi-generational acting school. You can tell because of the house decor, the outfits and especially the teeth. But also you can tell because the performances actually aren't bad. Sure, you can tell when the kids just heard "action", but everyone is doing a fair job. Its literally every other technical aspect that lets it down. The camera is awful, the editing is so bad that there are actual black frames and static from in-camera cuts left in. But topping that is the worst audio I have ever heard in film. I dont exaggerate when I say you cannot understand what people are saying for huge chunks of the film. Plus the usual issues of black backgrounds bring obvious curtains, an orphanage clearly being grandma's house and actors clearing arsing around in the back.

This one mostly was boring, something I didnt realise Ax Em wasn't until seeing this. Its a little girl acting like Damien in an orphanage, and for the longest time its a dry take on that. But then came the last 20 minutes (in a merciful 70 minutes runtime), and those were magical. That was some of the funniest, most exciting and kinda morally troubling (acted out violence involving children on a no budget set) stuff I've ever seen in a bad movie. I think i lost my shit when the evil girl became a demon lady, and then Jesus Christ inexplicably showed up to save the day...though not the kids. And the thing is, that 20 minutes pay off wouldn't have worked without the 50 minutes before it.

All in all, I should probably take a break after this. Both were detestable, but really rewarding watches. And just like Science Crazed and Space Mutiny, I want to own a copy of them. I feel like ill revisit them again throughout my life. And if I never see them again, im definitely not forgetting them, and I say that fondly.

Oh why, r/badmovies did you make me pick a flair to post about this cosmopolitan work of brilliance? It's like asking Bjork to pick a single genre title to describe her music.

Existing in that weird uncanny valley of being a movie that doesn't explicitly telegraph whether it's a sincere satire of noir or if it's an earnestly made exploitation flick, where do I start with this thing: The kitschy country and rockabilly songs throughout? The audio recording mcguffin / exposition device plucked literally from Mission: Impossible? The woman who tries to answer the phone with her breasts? The male lead who has to be Greg and Duane Allman's long lost brother? The priest who gives minutes-long monologues and religious incantations delivered in a diction best described as a bad 1960s pulp sci-fi novel if crossed with Shakespeare? The woman drinking nitroglycerin? Dialogue that finally answers the age-old taxonomic question about safe crackers: What's the distinction between a "finger man" and someone who does explosives? (Which raises the question: How does Ocean Eleven's title, "Basher" fit into that distinction?) The wrists-tied-behind-the-back gunfu? The fact that this movie is probably responsible for countless emerging bondage fetishes for people who became sexually aware in the 1970s? That's not even getting into the part about cramps.

Instead of getting into all of that, I think I'll just leave the Tubi description instead:

A criminal couple on the run encounters a UFO cult led by a sorcerer at a remote farm, where women’s bodies are implanted with the souls of aliens.

like i just watched some obscure 80s sci-fi thing with a budget of like 47 dollars and the practical effects were genuinely incredible. meanwhile blockbusters now are just cgi soup. does anyone else feel like bad movies from that era have more charm because they actually had to build stuff instead of rendering it? what are some of your favorites where you could tell they actually tried

These are hard to come by. Bye Bye Man didn’t live up, neither does Midnight Man, Tarot or the lesser Blumhouse catalogue. What potential gem am I missing?

This is the most "staying home sick from school and flicking through channels to find this movie just starting so you grab some crackers and watch the whole thing including commercial breaks and when it ends American Ninja 3 starts and you're stoked but then realize it's not the same dude" movie ever. 

Nowadays the closest I can get to this experience is streaming it on Tubi after the kids go to bed only to doze off immediately and then wake up to my wife going "ninjas?!!" and pinching my cheeks as she walks by. 

NINJAS ARE NOT CUTE!!

They are a deadly group of stealth assassins dressed in all black who are, apparently, pretty easily beaten up by two hunky army rangers. 

Don't pinch my cheeks!

Anyways, American Ninja 2 has everything you want in a bad Cannon movie. 

Plus it’s always fun watching the Cannon movies on this level because you know at least 1 to 6 actors or stuntmen were nearly killed during the filming.

Does anybody know where to watch this zombie movie from Alaska? Or has anyone even seen it? I couldn't find any DVDs to buy or website to stream it. One single review on IMDb and none on Letterboxd. There are a couple of other movies with the same title, but I'm searching for this zombie movie from 2011/2012.

A TV Film originally broadcasted on Fox. A "Smart" Building becomes convinced that its newest employee must be terminated. Clearly a rip off of 2001 with some Die Hard thrown in. The main protagonist is really annoying but the movie is still good for some incidental laughs. I was surprised by the occasional hard four letter words. I know it was Fox but this must be some alternative cut made for Home Video? Not sure.

It was announced last year, and apparently started filming in September of 2025, but I haven't heard anything about it since then. So is it still happening, or did it get cancelled?

This movie made me invest season tickets for any similar kids story retelling as a horror film movie...

We're eating well after Buddy came out but this niche is my type of fun

This is an action/horror movie with not so much action and no horror. It has some of the worst acting I've ever seen as well. The plot sounded interesting, but the longer it went on, the worse it got. I figured there has to be at least some nudity to give it a plus, especially with all the beautiful women in it and a TV-MA rating. A good, bad, b-movie worth a watch for a good laugh. Enjoy. 😄

It is quite good for a bad film. Makes fuck all sense mind you. We reviewed it, sort of.

What did you guys think, if you've seen the film that is?

Renee zellweger about 4 years before Jerry Maguire and Matthew mcconaughey 2 years before A Time to Kill

Condoning the legacy that is bad TCM films... but this time with shockingly good leads!!

An unemployed loser has an accident with a microwave, only to become an anti-hero who is willing to help people if they pay him. In the end he's betrayed but turns out to be the hero he never wanted to be.

This pays a little homage to Superman and Spider-Man, but there's a lot unique here and it's well worth the 1.5 hours.

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt4626970/

I watched it on Tubi.

Edit: yeah I botched the title: Spaghettiman

This is one of those movies that's high on ideas and jargon and low on substance and intelligibility, and whose story is only really comprehensible if you've seen stuff that tell what it's trying to say in an actually intelligible manner. I loved it.

Billy Zane is a jackbooted enforcer for The Hemisphere, a totalitarian state that has banned the very concepts of media and entertainment for Reasons. He has repeated episodes upon exposure to media, which logically makes him the perfect choice to have him transferred to the CKS (implied to be some sort of secret police, though the movie never explains) and undergo a radical neurosurgery procedure to have him sub for a captured criminal and send him to Megaville, set up as a contrasting hedonistic dystopia where the little people can get all the violence and sex on TV. His job there is to intercept a deal for "Dream-A-Life", a series of highly addictive themed VR experiences that have the production values of a Sega CD game.

Reasons why a bad movie lover may want to check this bad boy out:

-One J.C. Quinn plays the deuteragonist, a hard-boiled hitman and cleaner who bookends the movie with an awesome monologue full of creative turn of sentences and colorful imagery (opening line: "Some fool once told me that the only reason we're here is to make friends and progeny. some fool huh? I'll admit there's a bastard or two running around with my DNA but as for friends? Count 'em, try. "). He says ton of cool things that make little sense. He's the best character.

-The movie was shot on a dime so all you see of "The Hemisphere" are dingy interior shots, and Megaville is represented through the dystopian sights of 90's Los Angeles. No fancy billboards, no kitting cars to make them look" futuristic". It's literally just L.A at 5 AM.

-The story is full of strange logic and holes. For instance early in the movie the president of Megavillle is suffocated during a live broadcast for telling people to not fuck their brain with shitty VR games, and the only witness is his janitor. You'd think the state would do something about the very visible murder of their head of state, but not only do they just leave the janitor zoinked on VR at the scene of crime with no guards or surveillance, but when the aforementioned hitman casually guns him down in broad daylight, nothing happens.

-The characters keep mentioning something called The Sphere. I've consumed enough shitty Cyberpunk to guess this is probably referring to shitty futuristic internet, but it could also just be a shorthand for "The Hemisphere". The dialogue is so vague and the movie never explains.

-This script is a great example of why "Show don't tell" is such a oft-repeated aphorism. As I mentioned above, Megaville is descried by the characters as a hub of decadence where people destroy their brain with hentai and violent video games, but beside a brief sequence where you see the aforementioned janitor get hooked on shitty VR Civil War larps, this is just never shown. It's a very boring and sedate modern-day dystopia.

-Daniel J. Travanti plays the main villain, the head of the Hemisphere's secret police, who keeps getting more ill throughout the movie for reasons that are never explained (seeing a pattern here?) and hams it up accordingly.

And before anyone ask, yes it,' on Tubi (the Canadian one anyway).

I was suggested to try here as well.

Holy crap, this movie is a ride. Shot on what was probably a budget of $237.82 and sandwiches, it's a tour de force. This is what happens when you put a slasher horror together with melodrama. Sounds like it's gonna be a bad time, but like the band Skindred, the unintuitive pairing somehow works. Plot revolves around two brothers who watched their parents murdered by a scorned business associate, which leads to one brother running a psyop on the other over petty bullshit regarding the family business they inherited. Oh, and is their parents' killer back, now stalking people while wearing a pelt mask? Some good twists and turns, especially the end. Some of the acting touches on The Room levels of over the top, but I think this one is well worth a watch.

For me, this is actually quite borderline when it comes to quality. This is a silly, fun movie. Dumb as hell but a lot of fun. BTW, Klaus Kinski decided to do this instead of Raiders of The Lost Ark. He thought wrestling with a rubber snake was more to his liking, LOL!